Why respecting yourself changes your marriage…
What if respecting yourself mattered in whether or not your respect for your spouse would even be received? Check out this very real conversation I had last week with one of my coaching clients.
“This is going to sound so small…” Veronica said.
I got excited – BIG changes in relationships come from observations and the creation of small events over time.
“We lent my husband’s truck to his brother this weekend… I followed him over there in my car… and for the first time in many years, I drove him home after he dropped it off,” she continued.
I listened.
“Normally, in a situation like this, I would have just got out of the car, get in the passenger side and let him get us home, but this time I asked him if he wanted to drive, and he said, ‘no, go ahead,’ and I did.”
“This is such a small thing, but we drove all the way back without him criticizing me, telling me which route I should take, etc., honestly I haven’t driven him in years because it’s been terrible.”
“So what’s changed?” I asked.
“There’s a new level of trust, and I don’t know, something…” she replied.
“Could it be he respects you more now?” I asked.
“YES. That’s definitely it!” she answered.
Want that to be you?
Honestly, who wouldn’t?
But HOW?
How does a woman create respect for herself while respecting her husband?
There are many ways, but for now, I’ll give the broad swath of the three main ways:
- Boundaries around how she takes decent care of herself AND what she will and won’t hang out for (note – this is different than the disrespectful controlling behavior of having boundaries on OTHER people’s behaviors).
- Emotional maturity – this is when she can listen and acknowledge a different opinion without taking offense, yet still be able to communicate her thought without losing it emotionally (men don’t respect emotionality)
- Being kind and gentle but also being honest (you damage your relationships when you lie to others – and those closest to you can usually tell because of the micro-expressions you flash without knowing. They may not know what the truth actually is, but they do know something seems “off” and that decreases trust)
Those are the BIG ideas of which there are a ton of small moments, small things to say and do and stop doing, small boundaries, and tons of healing that God does to help you not be triggered and reactive.
Want help? Check out the primer on emotional maturity here in our FREE Strength & Dignity Steps Community (scroll down to grab it or the whole course!) There you’ll learn the Steps to Connection with God, yourself, and others!
Love to you,
Nina
…
Is your husband open to change? Perhaps consider joining us in the Marriage Intensive next month. You won’t be rehashing the past, but learning how to move forward positively. You’ll create a culture for your family – one that’s intentional, not accidental. You’ll learn what healthy couples discover and get SUPPORT and PRACTICE over TIME – not sessions where blame is experienced. It’s an environment where positives are part of the process in a HUGE way – the data shows that unless they are, the marriage doesn’t change. You’ll learn the specific positives to add and how to do that! You might even look forward to each session! Reach out at coachnina (at) greaterimpact.org and let’s talk.