If your marriage is miserable, one of the first steps toward changing it is realizing YOU are part of the problem.

Ouch, right?

And you may have 100 reasons why the other person is terrible and making things bad – those reasons can also even be TRUE.

AND… if you don’t recognize that the way you respond (or react) to what they do is keeping it going instead of putting a stop to it, well, things will never head a different direction.

Because someone needs to OWN their contribution – often it’s the more MATURE of the two who will rise to that opportunity. Then, they can hold the other to a higher level of being without being a victim, doormat, or controller.

Failure to take responsibility for what you have allowed (sorry if this feels like victim-blaming, but we don’t know what we don’t know until we do) keeps the cycle spinning. And it’s not your fault – you HAVE done your best and tried a lot of things, trouble is they are likely tools for healthy relationships or executed in the wrong timing.

You can’t know something if you haven’t been exposed to it.

For example, maybe you are consistently disappointed when you try to be vulnerable and share something important to you with your spouse. Maybe s/he pokes holes in your idea, or worse yet, criticizes it. So then you decide vulnerability doesn’t work, right?

That’s one interpretation- but it isn’t correct. Not even close.

We should only be level 10 vulnerable with people who consistently show up with level 10 support. Others, if they show up at level 2, should only be given level 2 vulnerability from you. And when they notice and ask why you spend so much time with friends, or how come you didn’t tell them about your promotion, etc., then you are respectfully HONEST with them, which creates awareness and gives opportunity for them to make a different choice next time. “When I bring something that is important to me it gets criticized and I feel judged instead of listened to and supported. I can’t trust you with truly important things because of that.”

S/He who can be trusted with little can be trusted with much, right?

But whose fault is it if you keep bringing important pieces of your heart to someone who doesn’t care for them well?

OURS. They’ve shown us who they are.

So stop that behavior, and then start creating opportunity for them to level up.

From one of our graduates:

I would never in my wildest dreams imagined that my marriage could be like this. We went from the constant silence to connecting daily. My husband can’t believe how happy we are together! – Cyndy L. California, USA

There IS a way to stop these cycles. If you are interested in learning more email or message me, “I’m ready!” (Coachnina at greaterimpact.org)

I’ll give you some of my time to help you sort next steps.

Love to you,

Nina