Do you know what stage your marriage is in? When people are struggling, we typically see a three-stage evolution in a marriage. I’m not talking about the phases of marriage from infatuation and limerence to doldrums, but rather the stages of trouble and opportunity.

When I’m working with people, I usually start with the individuals, and whether or not I work with them as a couple is determined by whether or not we can move both of them through the stages. I confess it isn’t me that does the work, but the Holy Spirit. It’s also not me that does the miracles, but Him! And yes, occasionally, I can’t seem to help well enough now and then. When that’s the case, I let you know, as I can’t in good ethics take your money if we can’t get out of the first stage. I do give it a minute, usually a couple of months. It is super rare that God doesn’t move, btw. He has already been pretty clear about His will, so it really is mostly up to our surrender.

Stage One is where the couple is in crisis, believe they have tried all the things, and are frequently engaged in unhealthy conflict or a lack of connection patterns (including silence) that make everything worse… They see no way out, feel desperate, discouraged, and are often thinking of divorce or separation because they just want the pain to stop. It’s easy to be reactive and defensive over what should be small things but the emotions are just SO close to the surface… They are still blaming their spouse for mostly everything, can’t see their own victimhood or negative contributions. They are often seriously conflicted because they want to keep their covenant but see no way anything could get better. They don’t realize that they don’t know the answers here because they keep reading things and applying stuff and of course it doesn’t work. They don’t know that most of what they are doing would be useful if the relationship were in a different spot, but it’s not. Often there is a refusal to accept the reality of the situation. Thankfully, if they can believe God over their pain, we can move out of this pretty quickly, even within a month. Unfortunately, some people stay stuck here and won’t do the hard work of forgiveness or obeying God because of a ton of “really good reasons” that may end up killing the marriage.

Stage Two occurs only after a realization of the opportunity for forgiveness and a cessation of constant victimhood and blaming… they are still in the mess of learning what to do when, what NOT to do, how to have healthy boundaries while also loving well, finding our true identity in Christ, all while doing it badly at first then getting better at practicing the skills. Yes, it is still HARD but they are starting to feel connection and friendship with their spouse again and have moments of hope.  They have started putting some of the 20 positives into the relationship, and are open to doing the work while not being perfect at it. Trust slowly starts to build here. 

Stage Three is where they have MASTERED many of the skills of connection and conflict management, and have deepened the friendship such that they want even MORE – and their spouse does too! Creating dreams and shared meaning becomes the purpose of working on the marriage, making it bulletproof to the world, successfully handling whatever is thrown at you, together. It’s not perfect, btw, there are still challenges and hard conversations which get a lot easier over time. 

(If you see yourself in Stage 1 or 2, and are STUCK – it’s likely mostly everyone you have worked with doesn’t know the PROCESS a marriage and the individuals have to go through to move through the stages.  There IS a plan to move thru this – PM or email me if you want to talk about the options)

I have seen God work miracles in what would be considered truly hopeless situations. Filed divorces, separations healed – when we truly love God more than we love our lives or ourselves, He makes a way. He can bring you to a place of deeper connection no matter what stage you are in. Let me know if you want to learn more. In the meantime, I am praying His Hope over you 🙂

In Matthew 7 Jesus talks about taking our eyes off our brother’s speck in their eye and focusing on the planks in our own. His speck might be a big one, for sure, but as we judge, so are we measuring what we will be judged with. This process of change doesn’t make you a doormat, either – it’s a way through to healthy that you likely haven’t seen nor can imagine, but it is a journey worth taking. Might as well walk it in the marriage you have as the data says the second or third marriages end even faster. Why? Everywhere you go, there you are. You CAN change, you CAN be transformed. He sent His Son for this work and will finish the good work He has started.

Love to you,

Nina