What I Wish Women Knew about The Respect Dare…
The title of this blog cracked me up, because I’m really no one who should have that much enthusiasm attached to her name. 🙂 I just want to remind everyone that any good you see in me is His Spirit within.
Thank you so much for the prayers, too. My son is healing nicely, although it is a hard road. I have a renewed appreciation for those with young babies at the moment, or other parents or wives doing round the clock pain management. At any rate, it occurred to me that you may not have seen this post I wrote for Peaceful Wife. It’s really important to me that you understand what it is about. I’ll be here on my blog today to interact, if you have things you want to talk about or questions you want to ask, so come back after you read it and let’s talk.
Something you need to know is that when she and I talked about what day to do, I just did the one I thought He suggested, without knowing what the dare was (I don’t have them memorized). Crazy-wonderful this was where we went! It’s something I feel really strongly about. At any rate, here you go: http://www.peacefulwife.com/2013/07/18/day-18-a-guest-post-from-nina-roesner
What about you? How do YOU handle telling the truth but while being respectful? Got examples? Would love to hear!
I soo appreciate what you wrote about the “sweet spot in the middle of His will” as I also have swung the pendulum multiple times in my 2 year marriage (3 year relationship). I have a thoughtful, kind, believing husband, yet I have vacillated between “submissive,” “loving” codependency and dealing with the repressed anger that I desperately need to release as I acknowledge past hurts and establish healthy boundaries in my life. My husband wants TONS of my time (We even work together–which has its positives and negatives), and I so dislike saying no to him because I fear conflict or even just that I might hurt his feelings or seem overly religious because I want to go spend alone time with God. I’m trying to find my sense of self as well as develop my relationships with God and my husband all at the same time. This can be so frustrating and overwhelming. I’m kind of consumed by it because I’ve allowed my marriage to majorly affect my God-time, my church attendance, my evangelism, my heart life, the way I eat and exercise, etc… Lol, things I agreed to while we were dating just to be nice are really affecting me now, and even though I know it’s my fault for complying, I still find myself blaming my husband on the inside and resenting him for not doing my job and protecting what is important to me! At least I can laugh about it– God is restoring my priorities and growing me up day by day. I just have to keep putting truth into my heart and be patient with the process of change. I really want to become authentic in my marriage and in all areas of my life. Any thoughts?
Oh! And I’m glad your son is recovering well. Trying times, but praise God! …Lol, I think I need to do more praising and thanking God in the midst of my situation, too… Good night, and God bless you! 🙂
Glad you are here! 🙂 Thoughts? Gobs of prayer! 🙂 And patience, and perseverance. And knowing Him well enough to be super bold and loving at the same time when you have to. Tough stuff indeed. 🙂
Love to you,
~Nina
I am always amazed at how my interactions with my husband are such a “big deal” to my MIL, and to those around us. MIL has been married 3 times, and will constantly down my husband’s plans, etc if she doesn’t like them. It’s been interesting to say to her, “This is the head of my household, and I will respect what he has to say.” And watch her react. She knows I’m not a doormat, and it’s been interesting to see that change in her. She now sees her son as a head of his household, and not the little boy that she thought she knew.
I think many women (myself included) hear and see so much of how we must FIGHT to be heard that we start buying into the lie that that’s the ONLY way we’ll ever be heard. If someone isn’t afraid of you, then they’ll take advantage of you – what a horrible thought!!
Agreed. Too much control, too much fear of domination, instead of one-ness. Crazy culture…and that other guy.
Nice tip for the rest of us here dealing with MIL’s, btw. 🙂
Blessings,
~Nina
I think we have a generation of women who have come to maturity fighting authority. You sum it up well “Wise women of strength and dignity are not threatened by authority.” It is part of the loss of culture that we are currently fighting against. We aren’t transitioning from children who are being administered to by authority to become healthy authorities in our own lives. Healthy authority can work with other ministering bodies without rejecting, becoming defensive or feeling invalidated. I see this in the schools, moms who when their child starts kindergarten enter the school system as parents seeking discrimination and unfairness. The school system Did Not Work until they became homeroom mom. It was riddled with dirty teachers and administrators who work in schools because? Well, we don’t know, but they weren’t being kept tabs on till today when we joined PTA Their child is not being given enough XYZ. They have a problem with the curricula because, their child is so gifted they can’t be expected to… and the list goes on. Same problem we see in marriages, we aren’t working with authority as a mature authority in our own right, we are still going through the motions of the same teenage rebellion, and using the terms that cause adults everywhere to drop to the floor in back breaking eye roll spasms. UNFAIR! and we’re off and running with parent teacher conferences, classroom changes, and more, all the while instilling the message in our children that if we don’t agree with every facet of an authority, we don’t have to fall in so long as we can undermine and discredit that authority. With this as a template for how to deal with situations in which we feel our interests are not being represented, we are locked in a battle that we cannot win without tearing down our homes and the institutions that we’ve built with our own two hands. We tear ourselves down because how can we become healthy authorities in our own right if we cannot interact with other authorities without becoming threatened and reverting to unhealthy and destructive patterns. Authority is seen as the equivalent of abuse. How can we become authorities without becoming abusers when our relationships with authorities have become in the eyes of most a relationship between victim and abuser. Unless we mature, there is no other role that we can see. Imagine how awesome your relationship with your childs teacher can be when founded upon respect and shared authority in guiding your child? Medical professionals are another area where the anti-authoritarianism has started preventing us from getting the treatment we need and deserve because our feelings of authority over our own bodies in light of illness and unsurety are shaken. Because I fear being out of control I must bring you down to my level. Imagine communicating openly and respectfully with all the authorities who minister to the various areas of your life and how pleasant your life can be, just for embracing that maturity and striving to embody what you hope to see in other authorities. Take it back to it’s simplest and most complicated application in our homes, we can absolutely have this relationship and this culture of mutual support with our spouses and become amazingly blessed in satisfying and productive interactions that better everyone for the participation.
Wow.
Girl, you have some deep thoughts, well articulated. I’ve read this twice and I concur. Things I’d not thought about, too. I think you are right. 🙂
LOVE that you are here, baby!
~Nina
I’ve done TRD twice now, and it has changed our marriage. For the better. Things are so different now. I respond differently, he acts differently in response to that. It’s not perfect, it never will be, and it is not EASY either.
We are struggling with lots of things – some male/female, some personality and culture. Some just from shadows of old expectations and new attempts at making things different.
For example: last night, on the phone because his work is keeping him away, he said some untrue and hurtful things. Before TRD I would have LOST it. Even after the first time through I would have responded badly. He knew they weren’t true, he was venting and he was also trying to force me into taking the reins back and taking away from him the decisions that are his. Instead of fighting, or calling back when he hung up, I prayed. I cried a bit. And I wrote a poem.
http://sunflowershan.wordpress.com/2013/07/24/choices/
Today it is okay between us – and I’m not rising to bait that isn’t meant for me. Keep me in your prayers my sisters. This is a hard summer in many ways, and yet a blessed and sweet one too. Salty sweet as a friend said yesterday.
Thanks ladies!
I so wish I could fill in on everything!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like you’d have a lot more VERY SEPCIFIC advice if you knew the context of everything.
In one way —- I think my husband is trying to make sure he is more important than my best girl friend.
In another way, he’s hurting my feelings by minimizing this friendship and planning an event a specific time when she can’t come.
ACK!!!! I know this makes it sound complicated and it is but it isn’t…. again, I wish blog comments were voicemail messages so I could ramble details faster!! LOL!!!!!!
Feel free to send me an email with more info at information(at)greater impact.org . And I don’t give advice, but encouragement… 🙂 only the Father can really know what you should do! 🙂
This book has literally changed my marriage. I was raised by a domineering cold mother who talked very disrespectfully to and about my dad. Likewise, my husband’s mother completely emasculated his father. My husband always felt the need to assert himself, and I realized it was because I didn’t give him the respect he so desired. I am far from a doormat, and admittedly, I struggled with some of the dares, but this book really opened my eyes and has taken my marriage (which was all ready pretty good) to a new level.
My dad used to say all the time, “You can say anything you want to me as long as you say it in a respectful way,” and I realize now how much that applies to my husband as well. As long as I say things in a loving way without sarcasm or a “tone,” he is very open to hearing and receiving my thoughts.
Thanks you so much for the book!!
Mary,
I am so excited for you! Praising God with you over what He’s done. You chose to be obedient, which is huge. I really believe God wrote the book, any good you’ve seen is all Him, baby! 🙂 So glad you are here with us.
Love to you,
~Nina
Nina – this happened this morning 🙁 I don’t think my husband liked it at all. I think he was teetering on being mad, and feeling like he failed me.
I am pretty sure I said everything with total respect and without pointing fingers, being upset, raising my voice, saying anything in a jabbing manner —- but here I am now, with him at work and me wondering, Should I say anything else??????? Should I make sure he doesn’t feel disrespected? Do I need to just let it sit? ((Which I’m sure if hard for you to answer without having the word for word run down of what was said.))
I feel so unsettled — is that how this is suppose to feel at first????
Kayla, I certainly don’t assume to answer for Nina, but here is truth that we have all learned to one degree or another – if you are using new muscles (your respect muscles) they are going to be a little sore. If he’s not used to this kind of interaction, he may try to draw out the “old familiar” not because it’s good or better but because he’s used to it. When we try to do an interaction a different way, we’re going to be unsure of what we said. I can tell you that many times, I still did not communicate well when I first started trying. I would get so frustrated because I had “done” the dares and now it was supposed to “work” all the time. This may not work for you, but something I do is a check up. “Hey, hunny, this morning when we were talking about this incident, did you feel respected in how I talked with you?” Or in general “When we are having a difficult/hard/emotional discussion, what are things I could do that would show you respect”. I think husbands’ answers will be similar but not the same. But these might be good check in points for you.
I totally understand the feeling of not being sure you did it right so wanting to use more words and more emotion to make sure he KNOWS that you are trying. Sometimes more words are necessary and sometimes they aren’t.
I’ll say a prayer for you as think this over and go through your day.
Many hugs,
Leah
Kayla –
OHMYEVERLOVINWORD!
🙂
I have no idea. Seriously. I totally understand that unsettled feeling – but it shows up when we step outside our comfort zone, and we need to widen it, and allow God to widen it. AND, allow God to widen our husband’s. So yeah, sometimes I wanted to rush in and comfort myself or him, but I always just had to pray about it. God is faithful, and if you know the Word, He will bring to mind what you need to do in any given moment. Sometimes He had me call or leave a note, sometimes He wanted to do His thing without my involvement.
Praying for discernment for you, baby. So glad you are here!
Love to you!
~Nina
Oh, and I really liked Leah’s “follow up” question later in the day. It’s great for learning about him as you walk through this stuff and I’ve done it gobs of times. 🙂 But always defer to God over anything you ever hear from us! 🙂