Why What You’ve Tried Hasn’t Changed Your Marriage
Luanne stood in the kitchen, frustrated, gazing at her husband on the couch, watching the game. Every day the same routine unfolded… after working all day, he comes home, eats the dinner she’s prepared for him and the kids (saying next to nothing), then takes up occupancy on the couch while she does the dishes, cleans up the kitchen, gets the kids’ lunches ready for school the next day, checks the homework, puts the little ones to bed… alone. She finally pulls back the covers herself and crawls into bed, exhausted. Why was it always like this? Couldn’t he see she needed help? Seemed like she was doing it all and he was reaping the benefits. What to do?
Sound familiar?
If so, I’m so sorry. That’s a lonely place, isn’t it? Might even have you feeling hopeless today, seeing no end to this cycle in sight.
I hope you’ll allow me to bring you some hope…
Heads Up: It’s going to look different than some of the “advice” out there… there are people in Christiandom that are all about “saving people” and not at all focused on saving the marriage. We are different as we do not want to split apart a covenant with God. We also have seen many marriages healed – even ones that most people would say couldn’t be helped. We may be the only person in your corner saying we believe God is doing a thing, that He has a plan, AND that He can change your marriage. It doesn’t happen overnight. And those other people aren’t wrong about what Scripture says, BUT the execution doesn’t work in creating connection. It’s frequently done harshly (which is sin!), and in a way that doesn’t change the relationship. I won’t name names, but I have spoken to two of these famous people and their marriage saving results are between 2-7% “because the men won’t change.”
That’s not true. Men WILL change – but often only if they have to. This is where wise boundaries come in. That’s a long discussion for another day. For now, start by not participating in conversations when you or your partner is emotional. “I love you, and I want to finish this when we can both be calm.” Leave the room. Come back later. “Is this a good time to take another crack at talking about xyz?”
Most of the women who come to us are dancing to the beat of a similar drummer. They don’t know what to do, are close to leaving, but really, at their core, they want to honor the covenant they have with God and their spouse, but really REALLY want things to change.
They aren’t wrong.
Let’s check Matthew 19:1-9:
(note: for some of you, this just feels like being trapped and deepens the hopelessness… hang in with me today and we’ll dish some hope!)
19 When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went down to the region of Judea east of the Jordan River. 2 Large crowds followed him there, and he healed their sick.
3 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” 5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
7 “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked.
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. 9 And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”
10 Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”
11 “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps.
Brutal truth, isn’t it? Especially when nearly everything you’ve tried hasn’t helped, and often made things worse.
Here’s why: we haven’t tried what actually helps.
Human beings aren’t really that complicated of creatures. We will take the easiest path if shown it. Why wouldn’t we? Sometimes men will take advantage of women who cater to their every whim as if he is a child. That’s not respect. While I’ve seen the majority of Christ-following men start working on their marriages when their wife starts being respectful, that only helps if she also has boundaries. And has grown in her walk with God such that she ALSO demonstrates God’s love through the Holy Spirit’s action in her life. Why does it matter that she starts this? Usually she is the one looking for the help in the first place. Does this apply to abuse? It’s going to sound crazy, but YES. IF both the husband and wife are working with us. I’ve personally seen God turn around a number of marriages with domestic partner abuse. Often a separation is needed, btw., and this doesn’t work at all in situations of characterological domestic violence (which are few and far between). Let’s check 1 Corinthians 13:1-7:
If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
When we criticize and complain, we violate the law of love. How then do we facilitate the opportunity for partnership in our marriage?
Lots of ways. If asking for help doesn’t work, it’s often because of the state our marriage is in – both usually are experiencing “Negative Sentiment Override.” That state first has to be neutralized, THEN very specific positive inputs need to be added into the relationship to turn it into a place of connection, fun, joy, and love.
Where are YOU at? Has your spouse checked out? Will he willingly help if you ask? Or better yet, does he SEE you struggling and offer to help? That’s what you want, isn’t it? Well, unfortunately, that doesn’t happen in relationships stuck in Negative Sentiment Override. And if you don’t do something about this soon, it only gets worse.
How do you change this?
Dare Ya!
Start with yourself. STOP focusing on his behavior, and start paying attention to your thoughts and communication. If you are complaining, STOP. If you are criticizing him, STOP. START pointing out things he is doing right and positive attributes of his character. Ask him how is day was while being 100% on his side with support no matter what he says. Do this for a month or two and watch your relationship start to change. There’s more, but this will get you started. If you feel resentful in doing this, there is work to be done spiritually, as that is the result of giving to get, not Christ’s character within you in action. (If you are being physically abused, that’s a whole other situation, one that needs a conversation. Feel free to reach out, as I don’t want you or your kids enduring unsafe circumstances.)
BOTTOM LINE
We create our relationship through the communication we put into it – if you want a positive relationship, STOP feeding it negativity and START feeding it positives.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- How does this sit with you, to consider your own contributions to the relationship and take responsibility for your communication?
- Think of the last positive interaction you had with your spouse where you felt heard, understood, and loved. How long ago was that and how frequent are those moments? If they aren’t often, is your relationship stuck in Negative Sentiment Override?
- What’s in the way of moving forward here? Is it pride? Selfishness? Unresolved hurt? Have you worked through a healing process with God over these things?
- What would it be like to daily have positive communication and fun with your spouse? Are you willing to begin doing what’s needed to change your relationship?
Love to you,
Nina
PS… if you are interested in learning more about how to move your relationship forward, join our FREE Strength & Dignity group. People typically notice difficulty in changing their own Negative Sentiment Override and neutralizing the relationship. You can sign up on our website HERE. It’s women just like you who want to change their marriage!