I’ve literally heard this particular set of skills called “the GameChanger” by so many clients (especially those in the Marriage Transformation as they are BOTH speaking the same language!) I’ve stopped counting. If you practice these – it will be that for you, also.
Dare ya!
Dare 10
Connection Step 5:
Take Responsibility
I remember feeling stressed about visiting family when I had little kids. I was a nursing mom in an era when that wasn’t cool—it was frowned upon, even. I had a child that literally couldn’t digest baby food till nearly age three. Every time I attempted to feed a new food, my baby would be miserable, and the poops looked like beer foam. We would be up around the clock for a good three days until the system settled once again. I finally just gave up and let this child tell me when they wanted to try something, and that totally worked for my child and me. We nursed for a long time.
Three years… though this wee one was eating some solids around age two, they couldn’t wean fully til around age three. Relatives gave me grief. Friends did, too.
As a young mom, I was not sure of what I was doing, and in the face of a doctor that insisted solids were better for her, at first, it was hard to feel good about the decisions I was making. I was not getting any support for what I was doing.
Initially, I spent a chunk of time feeling sorry for myself. I pulled out the victim seat, set up pillows and cocoa, roasted marshmallows, and invited others to my pity party (figuratively speaking). Finally, I explored my feelings with the Lord.
I felt misunderstood, and it was true that no one understood.
I felt condemned and unsupported, and it was true that I received so much criticism.
I felt exhausted, and it was true that the days and nights after once again trying solids were horrible for everyone as no one slept.
And that was hard.
So, it made sense that I would often have these negative feelings as I felt sorry for myself. But I didn’t enjoy how that felt, so I did something else. I was tired of being a victim.
I then chose to lead myself and my child in what was best. I took responsibility for an unpopular choice and acted with integrity. I even convinced the doctor to back off. My baby turned out happier. Healthier. In less pain.
We all slept.
I took responsibility for my choices. I set down expectations for people to be supportive when they clearly weren’t. I dealt with the outcomes and the side effects of my choices.
Eventually, the years passed, and we moved onto other things. Things got better for me internally when I accepted the reality of my circumstances, made a decision to accept the criticisms as normal, and took responsibility for my choice to put my child’s health above the opinions of others. I respected myself, and my baby. I was kind in how I responded to the well-meaning, uninformed concerns of others. The tension lifted within me, and it finally got easier.
I wouldn’t say it was fun, but it was easier, mainly because I stopped causing myself pain by wishing my reality was different. I found the good.
I decided that I could be grateful for the situation and enjoyed nursing this child and the connection that was built as a result. I felt good about putting what I felt I was being led by God to do above my own need for acceptance. To me, this was what’s best for my baby. Eventually, I stopped struggling with things altogether. I felt good about myself and what I was doing. I had confidence.
Remember “The Connection Steps”?
- Be in our Now by Noticing and Naming our own feelings
- Normalize those feelings
- Receive comfort from ourselves & God
- Listen for a gentle truth from the Lord
- Take responsibility for our part in the issue
- Make a Commitment to Act with Integrity
Fifth Connection Step: Take responsibility for our part in the issue.
Taking responsibility for what we do or don’t do, then acting in integrity, moves us forward in knowing our real identity.
We are no longer afraid of betraying ourselves on the whim of another person’s judgment. We recognize that someone else’s critical remark is usually a reflection of their character, not ours, that they are probably projecting onto us some fear, judgment, or jealousy. We stop giving so much weight to those around us and instead navigate what we know is best for us (and others even) because we know who we are.
It is key to our identity to know what we will and what we won’t do, then respect ourselves and others enough to stick to that. It is key to our identity to flip the victim’s mindset on its head, get out of that seat, and instead do what is right and lead ourselves and maybe even others away from it.
Problems come when we let ourselves feel threatened, when we are being wishy-washy, or when we are being inconsiderate to ourselves as we navigate these boundaries.
These skills are part of what we call the Connection support emotional regulation, which provides us with the ability to communicate while actually controlling our emotions without suppressing them. It is not right—and it is even self-disrespecting—to behave like a tantrum-throwing three-year-old, even if it may seem justifiable given the situation.
It sounds counter-intuitive to consider taking responsibility as a powerful way of changing our circumstances. It just seems so much easier to focus on what the other person did, blame them, and be sad in that, right? That’s actually true. It is easier. And we’ve done it so often, it may even be a habit for us. And other people are to blame, sometimes, right?
Let’s acknowledge that, often, the thing you are dealing with is actually unfair, unhealthy, not awesome, and maybe others could be doing better than they are. Maybe they are taking advantage of you. Maybe they do complain, then blame you for being discontented. Maybe their behavior is selfish!
Other times, and if we have negative patterns of thinking, it could be that there are other factors, such as our own involvement, or perhaps even a filter that clouds what we are seeing—so much so that we perceive something the other person didn’t even do or say.
This is the problem with blame. There are a few big problems with blaming others or thinking the worst of them.
First, when we blame, we create negativity in our relationship. Research by the Gottman Institute shows that giving the benefit of the doubt is a key in happy marriages. Their research also indicates that 91% of the time, we are not emotionally available to our partner. So that leaves slim chances of effective communication and high chances of miscommunication—unless you are setting a good time to talk, which is one of our basic tenets of wise communication.
Second, we simply cannot control what another person does or says. So, when we blame others, we give away our power to solve a problem or create different outcomes. It’s an immature way of handling what life throws at us. When we do this, we choose the position of being a “victim.”
However, when we take responsibility, we take ourselves out of the victim’s seat! We have the power to make our own choices about what’s best for the relationship. We may also discover from our “gentle truth” experience with God that we have contributed to the negative situation, but we are also now able to do something about it and similar situations in the future.
We cannot rely on the other person to behave differently. We can, however, do something about our own behavior.
Third, when we take responsibility, we need to own only what is ours to own. Being able to see this clearly takes some practice. The victim seat comes from blaming others or blaming ourselves—doing this is taking too much responsibility. Again, we cannot impact someone else’s behavior and assume that we are responsible for the whole situation or for their responses. This is lunacy at worst, and unproductive at best.
There is a lot of research on blame and why we do it, and there is just as much on why we should take responsibility instead. I hope you can see the correlation to the other links above that deal with self-compassion.
Dare 10
Today, make a list of the problems in your life, the things that cause you pain. Be specific. Here are a few common examples to get you started:
- My husband decides he doesn’t like what’s for dinner and makes himself something else.
- My husband has a pornography addiction.
- My mother-in-law is frequently critical of how I raise our kids.
- My brother complains non-stop whenever he is around.
- My husband is physically abusive.
Then, take each item on the list and work them through the Connection Steps. When you get to the fifth step—taking responsibility, focus on your responses and ask God how you could show up differently.
God will likely have some different ideas than you’ve had in the past. For example, if your husband is making his own food and it hurts your feelings, perhaps you could ask him what he wants for dinner for the week and then plan menus around that. If you do that and he still does something else, you can choose not to take it personally. You could also choose not to cook. You could choose to make food you enjoy. If your husband has a pornography addiction, you could decide to believe the truth that his sin isn’t about you, but rather a weakness on his part and pray for him. If he has erectile disfunction because it’s gone on for so long, you could give him the name of a local Celebrate Recovery group and let him know he doesn’t have to go, but that you would love it if you could both restore intimacy in your marriage. When your mother-in-law gives you unsolicited advice about how you are raising your family, you could choose to be a respectful person and say, “Thank you for letting me know your thoughts,” then continue doing what you deem is best. You could choose to see her hypercriticism as her issue and not yours. If she asks why, you don’t do things her way, you can reply, “Thank you for your feedback, but we’re doing things this way.” Don’t disrespect yourself by explaining. With your brother, you could deal with his complaining by listening and validating him by saying, “That sounds really hard for you.” He will likely then start to talk about why it isn’t really that hard.
If your spouse is physically abusive, know that you can take responsibility for choosing to stay with him. Or you could take responsibility for hitting him first or chasing him around the house when he said he wasn’t going to talk about whatever it was. All that behavior, however, is not biblical. It is called being harsh, sinning in our anger, etc., and our culture calls it being abusive. In many intimate partner abuse situations, both people are physically harming the other and it is highly likely that both are verbally assaulting one another, even if it is a reaction to what was just said to you. To only focus on his part is blaming and wrong, and it definitely means you are making yourself the victim. Many of these marriages are salvageable. I have worked with a number of them and have been met with success almost all of the time. While it is true that the most dangerous time for a woman can be when she leaves, choosing to stay and choosing to keep your kids in that environment is a choice you could make differently. Would you struggle financially or be a burden to a friend or relative? Probably. But we have to take responsibility and be brave to choose what could be a hard decision. Staying is hard. Working on the issues is hard. Leaving and poverty are hard. It’s all hard. However, know that doing nothing differently and expecting things to change is insanity, yet it is also a choice.
And even if it be true that I have erred, my error remains with myself. (Job 19:4 ESV)
For each will have to bear his own load. (Galatians 6:5 ESV)
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. (2 Corinthians 5:10 ESV)
BOTTOM LINE
When we take responsibility for our contributions in our relationships, we get out of the victim’s seat. We then choose how we respond, which often changes our results.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- How easy is it for you to stay focused on your spouse’s behavior instead of looking for ways you could show up differently?
- God tells us to be loving—to be kind, patient, slow to anger, quick to listen, not prideful, not needing to be right, not provoked, bearing all things and enduring all things. What words, behavior, and attitude can you undertake so you can approach things differently while also being loving and honest?
- What do you sense God is revealing to you through this Dare?
