Quick TIP! For Handling An Angry Husband…
Got an angry husband?
You know that heart-pounding-freaking-out feeling that you hate? That moment where he’s suddenly upset and you are surprised and then your own flight or fight response kicks in?
One thing that might help is simply this: create safety for him.
Know why he looks angry? He’s DEFENSIVE. He’s wired to be on the lookout for threats – and he thinks you just became one.
And you can do something about it.
Sounds crazy, right? Might even fit in the “Why is it me that has to do all the work?” category… but you have to realize that YOU are hardwired to deal with this more easily than he is. More on why that is here.
So next time, try this: create safety by getting rid of his fear.
“I might be wrong, but are you concerned that I think you did something dumb here? I’m not. I realize you were doing what you thought was the right thing. I appreciate you even handling it in the first place. What I’m wondering is how we can make the best of the situation now, and that’s what I’d like to talk through.”
So in other words, get rid of the fear by dealing with what may be the trigger – by stating clearly what you are NOT doing, and then stating what you ARE.
Fear is generated by the assumption of heinous motive to cause harm. Create safety by getting rid of it. State what you are NOT doing, then state what you ARE.
Be RESPECTFUL. It changes everything.
Try that today – it will require not taking things so personally, too! 🙂 That can be hard, but know most of our assumptions are just as wrong as his are! 🙂 And the Spirit will seek out what’s good and noble and praiseworthy, just to name a few things.
On another note, we’re pretty excited about something. We’re launching Daughters of Sarah in January – would love to have you be on the team!
You can find out more here – there’s an application – and it could end up giving YOU the entire set of videos – for free! 🙂 Hope you’ll come over and play with us!
Love to you,
~Nina
I can’t seem to approach very many topics without questions and questions make my husband angry. He lies and I know when he’s lieing and I can’t figure out how to get him to change.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Finally something I can do different that may make a difference. I never thought of it like this before. I SO appreciate your sharing this wisdom!
Tara
Your post today really gave me new insight. I never viewed the cause of my husband’s defensiveness and angry response as a manifestation of fear. We are WORKING to overcome an affair (his) and anytime any question is asked, even things that would never have been an issue in the past he becomes very defensive. But if I am able to approach subjects differently, he responds differently. God is teaching me and caring for me everyday.
Wow.. Never looked at it this way.. Very insightful. I know I am guilty..
I love this very practical tip. I wanted to pin it on pinterest but your link not working?
I think it might be working again now. :/ Not sure what happened! So sorry!
N
I like your post and I get what you’re saying. However, this doesn’t apply to a chronically mean and angry man. (rage-aholic)
My dad controlled his family by his rage, our friends feared him, our pets feared him. Unfortunately my mother didn’t know how to set a boundary. Fortunately as an adult, I can and do.
Good point! I should have made that caveat. :). And praise God you have stopped the cycle!
Can A man be on the Daughters of Sara team. I am an active member at Lakewood church and have many women that I would like to expose this information to. I love YOUR blog and what you are doing. I wished my wife and I had found this before our divorce. I now try to help other Marriages not suffer what we did through various resources such as yours and I work a lot with the hurting men. Please let me know and thank you for your ministry and words of wisdom.
I think that sounds awesome! 😉
Nina