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/ Got Conflict??

What Do You Do When Verbally Assaulted?

There are many things you can do when you are verbally assaulted, and if you have an angry man you are married to, or you have regular disagreements with people, you are probably wanting to know how to disagree with them without feeling like a doormat.

Or maybe you are still wondering if you are “allowed” to disagree with your husband, according to the Bible.

If you don’t believe the Bible is the Word of God, none of this matters. If you don’t believe Jesus Christ was and is the Son of God, died, rose again, and would do all of it for just YOU, none of this matters, either.

But when you do believe, you aim to please God. You live your life out of a heart of gratitude.

And you still might struggle with submission – but it isn’t what you think it is.  Here’s some good stuff on how to NOT be a doormat.

And if you are wondering how to respectfully disagree, check the exchange between me and the guy named, “thehaproject” and then look at the exchange between “Jean” and a number of different women on this post.

And understand if your husband is verbally abusive or beating you, I am not talking to you.  You need to get yourself safe.  I am speaking to others who are dealing with this.

Here’s the bottom line, based on my observations. Might be Truth, might be worth what you paid for it, which is nothing:

ALL people are deserving of respect, including our husbands. Being disrespectful during conflict, or “standing up for your rights” aggressively, however, FAILS in building relationship and in being heard.

Defensiveness breeds more defensiveness and heightens argument and disagreement.

There is another way. And that’s what The Respect Dare is all about.

Proverbs 18:2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions. (Are you listening and trying to understand before you disagree or “call him on it”?)

Proverbs 11:27 He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it. (Are you giving the benefit of the doubt and focusing on common ground, or are you looking to point out how the other person is WRONG?)

Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. (Do you have to solve it NOW, or can you calm down, pray, and then walk through things in a winsome way? Can you wait until God’s timing is right to deal with an issue or must you force the issue in your timing?)

Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. (Notice it doesn’t say to verbally assault him back – we are to treat others the way we want to be treated.)

Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Sometimes we are “thin” in our ability to love well. Our “love muscle” that bears with another is weak.)

Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. (We need to mature in our faith, and we need to reflect Christ’s character when we deal with others, and it will help them mature – are we getting in the way of another’s growth because we fail to do this? Arguing and defensive behavior makes other people more defensive.)

Galatians 5:22-23a But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Do you have these fruit in your life? The presence or absence of the fruit of the Spirit is EVIDENCE of our relationship with God. Got fruit?)

And no, we don’t have to be perfect – there’s only ONE Jesus.  We will sin and sin and sin until we go Home. But will will also mature, and grow and grow and grow – if God wills it (Hebrews 6:3) and we do our part by studying the Bible daily, asking Him for help in knowing Him, praying, listening, and OBEYING what we are learning.

But here’s the thing – knowing that God wills whether people grow or not – can we recognize that the “immature person” we are dealing with is also there to deepen our faith and sharpen us?

We don’t learn patience, kindness, gentleness, etc., in the easy times, but in the hard moments when it is difficult to do so. 

As for me, I find the above verses both convicting and encouraging.  And the question I wrestle with sometimes too is this: Do I trust God with this relationship, knowing He means ALL things to work together to grow me up in the faith? In other words, this difficult person is in my life to help me grow in my relationship with the Lord…Do I believe what I say I believe? 🙂

And no, I’m not telling you to be a doormat. 🙂 Check the above links if you still think that.

I know, ouch. 🙂 For me, too, baby, for me too.

Several of you have asked me to write about how to deal with a “mocker” or “fool” or “scoffer” and I’ll be doing that soon. I’m glad you are here and would love to hear what you are thinking about all this today! Will blog on this week’s dare tomorrow. In the meantime, would love to have you subscribe or sign up for TIPS so you don’t miss a single thing! 🙂

Love to you,

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/ Biblical Womanhood

What if Changing A Marriage Was Simple?

One night, I said, “I can’t believe what I’m hearing from you. I just don’t even know what to do here.” My teenager threw his hands up in the air, and stomped out of the room. I was left standing, seething.

He probably felt the same thing.

I was exasperating him (sin, btw), and he wasn’t obeying me (also sin). My husband gave me some good advice – he told me to be the one to stop the cycle. He said, “You two are stuck in a spin of negatives – you need to create the positives.”

I knew my husband was right.

I also knew God fully endorsed what he had said.

So I prayed a lot about it. And I started working even harder at respecting my son, mostly by saying something encouraging and positive to him a few times a day, and being very gentle and positive with him in how I handled the disobedience.

I don’t know why the dishes were his thing, but he was constantly leaving dirty dishes out. I would ask him sweetly to take care of them – a time or two, and then I would take his car keys, and kindly, gently say, “Honey, I know you want to be a man of your word. You can have your keys back when you pick up your mess in the kitchen.”

There was no sarcasm.

That would not have been respectful.

And I confess to you I have been a snarky disrespectful parent in the past. It is sinful. It exasperates our kids, makes them angry. So I got things turned around. This was an example, by the way, of my submitting to my husband.

This was one of those times when I got it right.  I sensed agreement in my Spirit with what he was suggesting.

Submission is not the same thing as obedience – and no, wives are not commanded to obey their husbands any place in the Bible …

but more on that on a different day.

So a few weeks ago, when my son and husband were discussing something and it got out of hand, I did what I sensed God wanted me to do.  I stepped in and said, “Guys. Look. I know you both love and respect each other, but that’s not showing up right now.  You both need to take things up a notch in how you’re speaking to each other. You’re both better than this. Why don’t you take a break for a few minutes, maybe pray about it, and then come back when you can both be calmer and just work through the issue instead of attacking each other?”

And they both agreed.

My son went downstairs, and my husband stayed put.

I sat down next to him, put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Baby, this is the same advice you gave me a while back. You were right then – and now I don’t want to see you caught in this negative spin. You’re a good dad. I know you want what’s best for him, and he’s making mistakes, but it’s going to be okay. Don’t own it. He’s a good kid. And before he was here, there was just you and I – and it will be just you and I again. We’re going to get through this.” He said, “You are right. I’m letting it get to me. Thanks.”

Some, maybe like the pastor I read online recently who literally said that “wives are to submit to their husbands in the Lord in everything literally means ‘in everything’ even pornography, wife-swapping, cheating on your taxes,” when talking about Ephesians 5:24, would define what I did as “unsubmissive.”

WOW.

Sorry no.

If you think submission makes you a doormat and you think you have nothing to contribute to your marriage, well okay then – I don’t believe that is what God’s Word teaches, but there are plenty of people out there that want you to believe that… and sometimes it is easier to just let someone else be in charge of everything and just go along with it.

I’ve been there. Really. I get that. 

But obviously, Sapphira wasn’t off the hook for doing what was right, even if her husband told her to do it, and neither are we. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that God’s Word doesn’t teach obedience for wives, but submission – it’s different. But there’s balance.

And I am hoping I realized this soon enough – when your kids are little, it doesn’t seem to matter as much, but when they are older, you wonder if there’s been enough proper modeling going on.  Do I want my sons thinking a certain way about women? Or behaving certain ways towards them? Or seeing Sapphira behavior?

Seems like Acts 5 tells a different story from the “submission=obedience” that so many would like to subscribe to.  Sapphira obeyed her husband.

Check what happened to her.

It’s not by coincidence that it is Peter who she lied to – and Peter who tells wives later to submit… I often wonder what might have happened if she had instead said to her husband, “Baby, I know you mean well, but we can’t sin against God – we can’t lie. I know you are a man of integrity, and I know how tempting this is, but let’s just tell the truth here.” But we wouldn’t have her example to learn from if she’d done the right thing, now would we?

Don’t misconstrue 1 Peter 3:6 into an absolute – it says, literally, “just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” Because if we miss the connection to Hebrews 11:11, where Sarah’s faith is praised, “And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise.” 

To fail to acknowledge her relationship with God is to choose blind obedience to man (contrary to Acts 5:29, and all the examples of others who knew God and disobeyed their authorities – Joseph and Potiphar’s wife, Esther, Abigail, just to name a few, all of which are examples to us). And let us not forget that Sarah actually suggested something her husband disagreed with, and when he struggled with it before God, the Lord told Abraham to listen to his wife and do what she said (Genesis 21:8-14).

For those using Peter’s suggestion as a command, we need to remember that he was the one that the Lord used to chastise Sapphira.

And then God killed her.

So contrary to some beliefs, “obey” is not a commanded thing for wives in the Bible – submission, which is willing, IS commanded, for those whose husbands are in alignment with God’s will.

Respect is also, but even if it is undeserved. There’s no “in the Lord” attached to it anywhere.

But understand that we think of giving respect as something that takes away from us, especially if it isn’t deserved, in our mind.

do unto others respect

If you think your husband needs your help, sometimes, however, and you understand that you are wired by God to bring relationship help to your family, then you’ll use your female gifting wisely – and your husband will see your wisdom, and will submit to God, in that moment. Know however, that you can also be in the way of God, too. Please bear in mind, I still fully believe that God holds the men in our marriage as head, and as accountable for our families. But He also expects us to gently, kindly, express Truth, in the Lord. Powerful phrase, “in the Lord.”

Remember, submission is willing.

And if we’re communicating with a non-submissive attitude, we are setting ourselves up to be our husband’s competitor, instead of his friend, we are taking a man who is wired by God to be on the lookout for threat constantly, and showing him that WE are his biggest competitor.

Respect waves a white flag and says, there’s no assault from me here.

??????????????????

Submission is one step more than that, and the lack of assault or competition is a given – it’s the waving of the white flag and says, “We’re on the same team.”

So it is simple:

  1. Know God by reading, praying, and listening DAILY
  2. When He brings a verse to mind, THAT is what you are to obey, because yes, the Bible does seem to contradict itself, but it really doesn’t – there’s not a perfect formula (remember, Esther, Sapphira, Sarah, Abigail – maybe I should write more about their example for us?)
  3. Have the teaching of kindness on your tongue, and be a woman who is gentle, quiet (not yelling or brash) and brave

And yeah, I know.

Simple is not the same as easy – but the more you come to know Him and the more you obey Him, the more you are filled with His Spirit, and then it is His Spirit within you that makes it easier. 🙂 Thank you for your prayers for our taping – we’re SO excited about what God’s doing!! It went well, was an exhausting day, but we are done cutting footage.

Prayers are appreciated for the editing for Daughters of Sarah.

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We’re also trying to put together a short video that explains what it is about… which is no small task, given that we are 1) short  on funds, and 2) already not good at explaining what it is.

If you have taken Daughters here locally and want to help us with describing it, we’d appreciate a few stories or testimonies or ideas if you feel led to share. 

At the very least, please pray – and we’d love to have you involved in our prayer ministry – you’ll get just one email a week, plus you’ll get the inside scoop on what’s coming up – not that it’s the reason to join, but at least you’ll have more info than what you get here.  BUT, just like here, if you subscribe to the blog, you don’t get any additional spammy things. 🙂 Thank you so much! You’ve no idea how precious your prayers are to me, personally, and to our entire team.

And, if you are a parent, you know that can be like herding CATS…so know we have people that can help. If you are parenting small people, you should totally follow Leah BUT…follow Debbie if you have tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings. Like us on Facebook so you can know when Daughters of Sarah becomes available in video format this year. I’m also active on Twitter as @NinaRoesner.  Come join the discussion!

Love to you,

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/ Avoid Divorce

How to Destroy a Man…

“I just hate the world, Mommy…” she said.

“What?? Why?” I inquired.

“I weigh 20 pounds more than all my friends. A few of them are on diets. I don’t think I’m fat, but I’m not sure. And I keep thinking I should be dieting, too,” she replies.

Yikes.

“And did you know there’s girls that put feathers in the back of their throats to make themselves throw up so they’ll be skinny?” she added.

OH MY.

She’s ten.

Stop.

“Okay, so you know what? You are absolutely right to be frustrated with the world. So much around you tells you that you aren’t good enough and that you have to look a certain way, but that’s not right, is it? Who are these girls who are dieting?” I asked.

She told me.

“Well, they’re 9, 10, and 11. And they have cute little girl bodies – and yes they are a little on the chunky side, but most kids are until they start to mature – and everyone does that at different rates. YOU are nearly a foot taller than all your friends, so I’m not surprised you weigh more than they do. You do know you are the height of a 13 year old, right?” I said.

“Yeah, but still, it’s like I feel this pressure to be thinner than I am…” she replied.

“Where does that come from?” I asked.

“The enemy?” she said.

“Yes. Don’t listen. And don’t give in to those voices. They’re lies.”

We talked about bulimia and the horrifying physical consequences that result… although I didn’t give a name to the disease for her – she is too young, in my mind, to need to know its name…and I felt a little sad about this loss of innocence.

We don’t do a very good job keeping the “little” in our children – we seem to try to grow them up quickly. At warp speed we buy them adult clothing, put them into more mature situations than they should be handling, expose them to adult-themes all too soon.

And it makes me nearly half nuts to watch parents hand their kids a video game to switch their brain into passive mode, getting them (mostly boys) to shut up and calm down so they can carry on their adult conversation, or do whatever. Parents cave way too easily to the demands of the video/screen addiction of their kids, failing to set limits on the amount of time their brains are being rewired by these devices.

Dare you to read the concerning data on video gaming here. Double dog dare you to not ignore it. Triple dog dare you to set some limits (like an hour of outdoor physical exercise (not just sitting outside playing a handheld!) daily earns your kid a half hour of gaming) or get rid of them in your home.

There’s a quote on a sign at the bottom of the hill that goes up to my house – it says, “Do not pray for easier lives, pray to be stronger men.” It’s by JFK. This morning I am burdened for wives that are tearing down their homes with their own hands – our words destroy our little boys, our teen boys, and our men. They want to delight us and be heroes, and we constantly let them know they’re not measuring up. It takes years to undo the damage we do with our words…The result is rampant in the culture – boys are scoring lower on tests, going to college at a lower rate, and make up 2/3 of the special ed students… Grown men are checking out and choosing online gaming and internet pornography to dull their senses enough to survive the world they live in.

Double dog dare you to read why here: http://www.parentingoldschool.com/media/the-demise-of-guys-why-girls-rock-while-boys-mold/ . The other issue we’re seeing as a result is absent fathers, and men who won’t stand up for what is right, but are angry. Proverbs 29 today has a ton to say about this.

Recently, on two separate occasions, my husband got his righteousness on. I won’t go into the details, but he “called a spade a spade,” and rose up to protect his family. As a woman (and not a wussy one, I might add), his behavior spoke to something within me – and I deeply admired him.

I also told him that.

Know this truth – your husband will never rise up to become a man of righteousness unless you respect him, admire him, and encourage him – even when he doesn’t “deserve” it.

And the last time I checked, I didn’t “deserve” his love, and neither do you. We’re all a bunch of sinners. Extend the same grace you want to receive.

Ladies, WE need to rise up to do what is right in our homes, to create an atmosphere that will bring out the very best in the men that live with us. We need to communicate respect, in accordance with God’s Word in Ephesians 5:33. We need to help and not nag our husbands (check Genesis and Proverbs). We need to pursue our husbands sexually (yep, that’s in the Bible, too), and we need to stick with it and keep the vows we made. We need to figure out what Biblical submission looks like and do it (and sorry, but no, it’s not what you probably think – it doesn’t make you a doormat).  Otherwise we destroy our men and sons, creating an environment for passive and lazy men.

We need to stop fussing about the things we think are big now, stop pointing our fingers at our husband’s inadequacies, and get busy figuring out what God wants US to do and doing it, so that we can go help other women get this right. MUCH is at stake – look at the data, and run the progression out in your head. Where will we be in 20 years if we keep doing what we’re doing now? As our family units are destroyed, so goes our country.

We CAN change our families – and we need to.

Remember, there was a day when I rated my marriage a “2” and was bitter, discouraged, broken-hearted, and angry about how things had “turned out.”

Truth was, I wasn’t obeying God’s commands for wives.

Ten years later, after I figured that out, my marriage was radically different than it was.

I want that for you.

I won’t lie and tell you it’s easy, but it is possible.

And totally worth it.

Dare you to spend some time with the Father today, perhaps chewing on the Proverbs above. Double dog dare you to join us in this prayer today …

Father, Your ways are not our ways. We cannot love and respect without Your intervention, without Your help in the day to day moments. Lord, we are so swayed by this culture, having bought too many lies, we can’t even see it. Help us know what to do, help us get to know You such that we can obey Your Word in the middle of interactions. Help us obey Your commands. Help us stick with our marriages. Help us build each other up, instead of being selfish. Lord, fill us with You so we don’t feel so empty… our longings for our spouse’s behavior change is really a recognition of the absence of You in our hearts… In doing these things, Lord, we trust Your glory will be revealed. We want the families and marriages You intended, but cannot get them on our own. Please help us do all these things in Your strength. In the name of the Father, the Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

So glad you are on the journey with me…

Love to you,

~Nina

/ Respect My Husband

Does “Respect” Mean I Can’t Share When He Hurts Me?

The answer may surprise you.  And how you choose to go about this one thing can deeply impact your marriage for better or for worse.

020713_0204_GotAnAngryM1.jpgYes.  You absolutely can communicate your hurts to your husband.  And if he sins against you, definitely should ask God if it is time for confrontation Matthew 18 style.

But… You may want to hold off until you’ve communicated for a period of time that you have stopped committing the sin of judgment, and are instead, unconditionally respectful toward him. Hang in here with me for a while, and I’ll explain why.

I know.  “Easy for you to say.” Ladies, I’ve BEEN there.  I’ve sat, cringing, angry and confused while hurting, in church when a brave pastor or two have told us wives to respect because, “God says so.”  I’ve seethed with anger and hurt at the thought.  I’ve not spoken to my husband for a full week because I literally couldn’t say anything nice.  Respect was to be earned, right?  Why should I respect a man who doesn’t “deserve it?”  I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  I do ministry now because God has called me to share what I’ve learned (painfully, I might add) so perhaps you won’t make the same mistakes I have made.

Most women who ask questions about why they should respect their husbands are feeling unloved and are in PAIN and really want to know, “Why should I take the relational risk of respecting this man who doesn’t treat me with love like he’s supposed to?” or, “HE’S not following the Biblical commands, so why should I?”  We want him to be worthy of respect.  We feel that way because God actually wired us to desperately want the guy we married to be a man we can admire and respect.  But because we listen to the culture, we believe the lie that respect should be earned, instead of listening to God’s Truth:

Ephesians 5:32-35 

32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Imagine for a moment that it’s the other way around, and our husbands are waiting to feel respected before they will demonstrate love for us.  Would you be okay with that?

Of course not.

First of all, please know that we fully understand the depth of the pain you might be in within the context of your marriage.  Nothing wounds a woman like marriage difficulties.  We’ve seen wives who are abused, demeaned, degraded, married to husbands who turn away from God, never knew Him, or just aren’t very far in their walk.  Men who abuse their children, men who won’t get a job.  Men who make bad decisions that steal security or embarrass the whole family.  Men who pursue other women or are addicted to pornography.  Men who leave for days and no one knows where they are.  Men who ask their wives to do the wrong things, men who are absent emotionally.  Men who want nothing to do with their wives relationally.  Please know our Lord holds your tears and understands fully the depth of your pain.

You should also know that men generally don’t think, “I’ll treat my wife lovingly when she treats me with respect,” but women will think, “I’ll show him respect when he shows me some love,” because we are (generally speaking) more relational than men.  Our brains physically have more connections between the “feeling” side and the “thinking” side, than men do.  So, while men might sense something “not quite right” in their marriage, it generally doesn’t naturally occur to them that they should be more loving.  And because women are more relational than men and because God actually created us this way physically, I feel very strongly that it is our responsibility as mature, God-honoring women to take action in this area.

We assume here that you’ve worked out a few of the “basics of being a Christ-follower” and know that the goal is to be more Christ-like with your life.  This then assumes the simple Truth that if you have chosen to follow God, you would naturally also choose to obey God’s command in Ephesians 5:33b, “and the wife shall respect her husband.”  Doesn’t mean it is easy, but you would work hard to figure this out because God commands it.  You will experience a number of things in seeking to live out Ephesians 5:33b, all of which will bring you closer to God and your husband.  Here are a few things we know to be true, based on the thousands of women we have dealt with who choose to do The Respect Dare® book or E-Course:

  1. You might “get results” from your husband in 3 months, 3 years, or 3 decades.  Maybe longer.
  2. 1 Peter 3:1-6 tells us that men who don’t even know God at all can be saved by their wife’s treatment of them, so in the long run, your “respect efforts” are completely worth it.  If God can literally save these men, what else will He do for those wives who already love Him?  Remember, He’s a Father who wants good things for His children.  He wants your husband to be in heaven.  He wants him to turn from his ways and accept the gift of His son and all that entails.  You might be “the only Jesus your husband ever sees.” Salvation and the daily playing out of what Christ looks like are the opportunities you are presented with.
  3. If you measure your “respect efforts” by your husband’s “responses,” you will FREQUENTLY be disappointed. The culture influences our thinking and we’ll not see all the neat things he did, but rather focus on the thing he didn’t do, or vice versa, whatever’s most negative and hurtful to us.
  4. If you measure your “respect efforts” by whether or not you are pleasing to God, you will have a strength and dignity within ALL your relationships that other people won’t even be able to understand.  Living life for The Audience of One, fully knowing that you are doing the right thing builds confidence like nothing else does. 
  5. Wives who frequently lose their tempers and yell, frequently nag and complain, criticize their husbands in front of others or to them, or withhold sex, undo what progress they could be making with communicating respect.  These behaviors are not “winsome” and destroy trust. God wants us to be winsome, for His sake and ours.
  6. If the husband doesn’t trust his wife, this process takes much longer.  Meaning, if you’ve spent ten years (or two or thirty) treating him disrespectfully, you can’t expect him to completely trust this “new respectful you” in 40 days.
  7. Husbands who have been deeply wounded by their wives will sometimes “test” their wife’s “new respect efforts” by acting crummy to her.  On purpose, even.  They want to know if your new behavior is “legit” or if it’s going to wear off.  This isn’t a nice thing to say, but it happens.  Some of this is due to the fact (again, based on research in “For Women Only”) that men have fragile egos.  They want to be able to “be real” and crave intimacy with us, but are literally afraid to be hurt.  So they will keep their guard up if we are not a “safe place to fall,” meaning, “I feel accepted, encouraged, and respected by my wife, no matter what I have done.  I can come to her when I am happy, or when I am disappointed.  Her respect for me is unconditional.  I don’t have to perform and be perfect to meet her approval – it’s always there.”
  8. Wives who go through these “tests” well will greatly impact their husbands.  When are we more like Christ than when we are loving those who don’t deserve it?  Remember, husbands experience our love through our respect. Know also, that you might have an opportunity to be firmly dignified in your response.
  9. Wives typically don’t know enough about men to easily get respect correct in their relationships with the men in their lives – husbands, sons, coworkers, etc.  For example, most women don’t know that men find our asking them, “Why?” is disrespectful to them.  We think, “I don’t mean it that way, why would he take it like that?”  “Why?” is a challenge word to men.  It means we don’t trust them or the decision or course of action they’ve taken.  They take it personally.  Who would have thought that?  Yet research supports this.  We teach women to “speak the language of respect” to be more effective in these relationships.
  10.  There are little things we do every day that communicate, “I don’t respect you,” to our husbands.  MOST of these things are completely unintentional on our part, but intent is irrelevant if we’re trying to be effective.  Because we are more relational than they are, with more connections in all areas of our brains, it’s up to us to learn to speak their language, not the other way around.
  11. The culture teaches us that marriage is supposed to make us happy.  The Bible teaches us that marriage is supposed to make us holy – if we choose to follow God’s advice.  Marriage is the first organization designed by God, other than His own Trinity.  It’s really important to God.  Very specifically, marriage is designed to give the world a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church.  We wander around calling ourselves, “Christians.”  His reputation is on the line.  He’s going to grow us to help us get this right for His glory.  See Ephesians 5:32-33 above.
  12. After we have fully learned to die to our own selfish desires, after we have learned to treat our husbands the way God wants us to, we can continue our development as relationship architects and move our marriage toward “mutual respect.”  Look at this as a new phase, as though you have now passed “basic training” and have thus earned the right to teach your husband the way you want to be treated.  He needs your help in communicating relationally with you.  Because at this point our husband trusts us, because we have actually become good at speaking his language of respect, we are then (and only then) effective in our communication to him of how we experience love from him.  He will want to hear this.  Then they, because they feel safe and respected by us, typically eagerly pursue our happiness.  They want to delight us at this point.
  13. When you get to the place where “mutual respect” exists in your marriage, and you are wise in how you communicate with your husband, you can tell him difficult things about your relationship and he will appreciate hearing them.  He’ll then work harder to change because he is motivated by your unconditional respect of him.  If he doesn’t have this, the communication will likely be discouraging for him.
  14. Most women have the process reversed and try to teach their husband how to treat them first.  This never works.  Most men typically don’t pursue delighting wives who don’t respect them.  They figure, “What’s the point?”
  15. We have seen women who are physically, verbally, or emotionally, abused by their spouse separate from their husbands.  They felt led by God to do so.  We support them.  We have seen other women who are physically, verbally, or emotionally, abused by their husband choose to stay with him and endure it because they felt led by God.  We support them, too.
  16. Wives who really want to change their marriages CAN and DO learn to speak the language of respect to their husbands.  They see their new communication skills impact their relationships with ALL the men in their lives.  For example, if you are having trouble with your 6th grade boy, recognize he is looking for a little respect from mom! Men (and boys becoming men) don’t appreciate “mothering.” 
  17. Wives who say their husbands don’t do anything worthy of respect aren’t looking closely enough.  No one is a complete disaster in every single area of his or her life.  For us to say there’s nothing our husband does that we can respect is more a reflection of our poor attitude than of him.
  18. What looks like respect to one man, can look like disrespect to another, in the small nuances of communication in a relationship.  There are many “big” ways to communicate respect that will apply, generally speaking, to all men; but each man, and therefore each marriage, is going to be a little different in the small things.  What that means is if I say, “Never ever let your husband know he’s going to miss the exit,” that might work in one marriage, but it might feel like, “You aren’t my friend,” in another.
  19. “Help” looks different to each man, too.  For some, packing his suitcase for him before he travels might be a wonderful thing.  For another, it might make him frustrated.  That’s why we recommend each woman gets to know GOD better. That’s why we recommend learning how to communicate and ask more questions.  These will help you understand the men in your lives because God and your husband already knows him intimately!
  20. Wives who grow their relationship with God see Him working things out with their husbands in His time.  These women are discerning enough to actively choose to become more patient and are able to give their husbands the time they need to grow the way God wants to grow them.  They don’t try to change the man they married.  And these ladies recognize the difference between trying to change someone, and influencing those around them for the cause of Christ.

Understand that God created marriage to glorify Him.  When we get married, we choose to participate in this context.  It was never about making us happy.  Remember, He’s going to grow us.  He wants us to accurately reflect His glory.  If we choose to follow His advice in the Bible, we will have peace and joy during the journey and less pain.  The journey is hard, but we are not alone and we have strength if we follow God.  If marriage was easy, people wouldn’t get divorced.  Whether you choose God’s path, to follow Christ, or not, your marriage will be difficult.  But with Christ, you won’t walk alone, and you will have joy, comfort, and peace that surpasses all understanding.  And you’ll make an impact in your family and in the world that wouldn’t otherwise occur.

So should you choose to communicate respect to a man that doesn’t treat you right?

Yes.

Why?

Because God says so.

It never was and should not ever be about how deserving of respect your husband is or whether he is living his life the way he should be.  It IS now and always has been about whether or not you are going to trust God knows what He’s doing and obey what He’s telling YOU to do.

Take the Biblical journey of marriage as He intended.  It’s hard, bumpy, long and tiring.  It’s worth it.  Do it God’s way and you’ll experience joy, peace, comfort, and deep connection with the Father, and your husband.  And remember, it’s not about your husband’s response (although you’ll probably eventually get one if you can hang in there enough for him to truly trust you).

The bottom line about what respecting your husband is all about is pretty simple (not easy, but simple): It’s about your relationship with God.

Unconditional respect.

Dare ya.

🙂

So two recommendations, in order:

1) Get The Respect Dare book and do it. You will grow your relationship with God and learn to speak your husband’s language of respect.

2) When you finish the dares AND (this is key) your husband answers the question, “Do you feel respected by me most of the time?” with a resounding, “Yes!” THEN get Dr. Kevin Leman’s book, Have a New Husband by Friday  to learn how to develop “mutual respect” in your marriage.  It’s available at Amazon.com, too.  Today’s Christian Rep article might give you some more insight in this area: http://christianrep.com/blog/2013/04/03/how-love-respect-impact-our-marriage/

Glad to be on this journey with you!

~ Nina

Hate Patriarchy?

In honor of what God has done by finding a publishing outlet larger than Greater Impact Ministries, on the release date, 12/11/12,  I went to Amazon.com to check out The RESPECT Dare and discovered it had received its first “1″ review rating:

Hmmm . . . I try not to give negative reviews, but I would not recommend this book. Personally, I’m not into books that support patriarchy and this is exactly what this book is about. It’s written to wives and it instructs them to respect their husbands. While there is nothing wrong with respecting your husband, I think that this type of book can be a slippery slope for some people especially if they are vulnerable enough to grab a book like this off the shelves. I wouldn’t have selected to read a book like this if I just walked into a bookstore and was able to choose anything I wanted to read so I can’t really say that I found the content or format to be too interesting. In fact, it actually made me feel a little sad. To me, marriage is about friendship and support and I don’t think that job should fall solely to the wife as this book suggests.

I added the bold, because I think that marks the heart of what those who take issue with The RESPECT Dare find problematic. For the last seven years, we have been ministering to women in damaged marriages – women, who for the most part, have one key thing in common: They take issue with the issue of authority. They hate the thought of submission and respect as it feels like “giving something up.” I happen to understand this, because I used to be one of them. They also, for the most part, don’t know what to do to change things.  Some of them are angry, frustrated at things they think they understand, but may not.

Are you one? If your heart is hard and you can no longer consider concepts outside of what you consider equitable, you might hate The RESPECT Dare. You will see “patriarchy” in its most negative of forms everywhere in the book  – the stories of women dying to self within the context of marriage will not be viewed for what they really are, women living as Christ and serving others within the specific context of marriage and family, but instead, through the lens of the dominated, the lens of the oppressed.  You might even call the book “dangerous” as it encourages women to serve, to obey God, to love – and you might be tempted to ignore the advice given to abused wives, which is to be safe, get help, do what God wants you to do.  What is interesting is that those who criticize harshest fail to notice the title – The RESPECT Dare.  It is a book created to teach us how to respect.  Women in abusive relationships might be wise to consider safety options first.  I didn’t write it with the audience being women who are abused, but rather the average wife, one whose marriage is difficult, and she does not know what to do.  It’s also not that I have a problem with abused women, either – please don’t extrapolate that from the lack of attention.  That would be the same as saying I have a problem with disabled wives (a “category” of which I actually belong) because I didn’t focus on them, either.  If you expect every single situation to resonate with you in your situation, you will definitely be disappointed.

I was telling a dear friend of mine last week that I used to deeply despise the concept of submitting to God, and to my husband.

What I didn’t know then and wouldn’t even consider for the longest time was that it wasn’t what I thought it was.

072512_1124_ICantDoThis1.jpgFor decades, I placed the secular culture’s view of submission onto the concept, instead of learning what God meant by it. Even though I loved God and wanted to know Him more, I wasted years of potential intimacy with Him, because I refused to even entertain the possibility that there was something I might not know. Fed by an extremist experience of the feminist movement’s ideology and the misled arm of Christianity that sees church abuse in every imperfection, I balked at the notion of submitting to God in this area. 

What I didn’t realize was this was not discernment on my part, but rather disobedience. I saw only the good results of the feminist movement, ignoring the misperceptions it created within me that influenced my marriage.  And instead of seeing the whole picture – and being mature enough to also see the bad, it was only when I gave birth to boys that I could really start seeing the negative influences. I haven’t discounted the good, either, but I do see more of the whole picture – can you?

I also viewed the Bible through the lens of my own woundedness and background – I thought I was seeing the texts in the proper contexts of the time they were written in, but instead, I was using that as an excuse to remove the power from the Scriptures. God’s Word is timeless, it’s a living document that connects with me right now – and it tells me that if I love God, I was to respect and submit to God and my husband, and if I did, if I obeyed, that God would dwell with me.

John 14:23 says, Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.

I love how Mary Kassain talks about complementarianism:

Who we are as male and female is ultimately not about us. It’s about testifying to the story of Jesus. We do not get to dictate what manhood and womanhood are all about. Our Creator does. That’s the basis of complementarianism.

A complementarian is a person who believes that God created male and female to reflect complementary truths about Jesus.

If you hear someone tell you that complementarity means you have to get married, have dozens of babies, be a stay-at-home housewife, clean toilets, completely forego a career, chuck your brain, tolerate abuse, watch “Leave it to Beaver” re-runs, bury your gifts, deny your personality, and bobble-head nod “yes” to everything men say, don’t believe her. That’s a straw (wo)man misrepresentation. It’s not complementarianism.

I should know. I’m a complementarian. And I helped coin the term.

(You can learn more about this on the TrueWoman blog. Our Creator has made a large generalization about what men and women are about. Within that, there are many small nuances and differences – that’s why we can’t ever get 100% absolutes on anything. I feel called to speak to this large generalized average, instead of focusing on the smaller segments that are outside of that. Please do not judge me for not speaking to homosexual Christians, pornography addicts, abused wives, or other segments – even though I will write about these things occasionally. Try to understand that I feel called to speak to the “average” woman who does not understand respect and submission in her marriage and/or thinks her husband has to earn it. I trust God will take care of those who already get this. I trust He will also take care of those in different demographics outside the topic He’s given me to discuss. The absence of my attention doesn’t mean I’m anti-anything, it means rather I am doing what I have been asked to do – to do someone else’s work would be stepping into their calling. To criticize their lack of attention would be judgment on my part. I’m not the last word on anything, and neither are you.)

I also like how Mary talks about the concept of “patriarchy,” which seems to be the main issue for a group called the “egalitarians,” who believe there is gender equality in everything. I agree with that the genders are “equal,” and I also agree that there have been issues with forced subservience of women in societies, including churches. What I challenge, however, is that the teaching in the Bible that tells wives to submit and respect their husbands is only contextual and does not apply today because it makes us second class citizens. Not being part of the egalitarian movement, I can’t seem to find out if this perception is a foundational thought of the entire theology, or if it is a small group of extremists (like those in the complementarian camp who believe women should not even lead as worship leaders).  More on this here. I believe this is an incorrect thought, whether pervasive or not, and can be explained away by our very design, as discussed here. I do take issue with how some church cultures have removed a woman’s voice completely, even from worship, made abuse acceptable, and tolerated unloving behavior from their men. While it makes me sad that some men cannot hear anything from a woman because they are so threatened, I trust that God knows this and will bring them into His truth and will in His good timing.  Like those that leave that environment and attend church elsewhere, I choose to belong to a body that believes differently, as is my right.  And who is to say that God will not use those very circumstances to reach everyone in a family?  Just because we are right does not mean that God might not want us to endure a difficult situation like Jesus would while He works out His relationship with His other children. Or He might spare us from it – but who are we to make those choices for someone else?  All the more reason to focus on our own relationships with Him so we can KNOW what He wants from us – and leave our sisters and brothers to their own relationships with Him.

These sins of the body, however, do not negate that Christ Himself submitted to the Father’s will and not His own:

Luke 22:42 saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”

So yes. There is patriarchy in the Bible. God is the authority of Christ. But denying this and saying it is all bad is like saying all home school moms are bad because some abuse their children. Or like saying The RESPECT Dare suggests the “job of friendship and support should fall solely to the wife” – which is not what the book suggests, but rather gives a wife a way to learn how to respect, sometimes in truly difficult circumstances, and deeply impacts her relationship with God by obeying His Word – and yes, it is about her behavior, because it is written for her. If I were to compliment you today saying you looked nice, would you then take it to mean that I think you are stupid because I didn’t say something about your great intelligence? It makes me sad that some people think that way, but they do. So no, there’s nothing in the book about what your husband is supposed to do.  Sorry about that, but we need to stay focused on our own behavior.

It’s not a marriage book for both genders. “Don’t let your husband read it, or he might get the wrong idea,” is probably good advice, however.

Yes, it is a book for women – I could write a book for men, too, or a book for both genders (although the extremists in the complementarian camp – these people really do exist, and are wrong, in my opinion – would tell me I’m sinning by teaching to men) but He hasn’t asked me to write that yet, nor do I know if He will. I did what I felt led to do and I felt led to write this for wives. If you find that fact demeaning, please take it up with God.

And know I have other pages on my blog written for men, so please resist the temptation to sin by judging me.

But know this and consider yourselves forewarned: if you choose to respect and submit to your husband, and obey God, I guess you’ll be viewed as a second class citizen and a doormat like I am by some.

And know this too: It probably won’t matter to you, because you’ll be living your life for the Audience of One, instead of trying to please others.

And I realize that those of you who vehemently disagree with me (and I used to be you) are going to insist I have no voice in my marriage, that I am “the worst thing that’s happened to women” (from another blogger), and damaging to the feminist movement. For others of you, the Spirit may be louder than the voices of the culture (whether secular or flawed Christian), and you’ll see the book for what it is – a very narrow experience to learn some possibilities and examples of how to do something God asks you to do: Respect your husband.

Strong, dignified women are not threatened by authority or patriarchy because they live their lives for God.

Dare you to listen to His voice today, regardless of what He tells you. Double-Dog-Dare you to get confirmation of His leading via His Word, the Bible, which I believe is a timeless, living document that radically applies to our lives in very personal ways today.

I’m a trainer. Not an author. I had no intentions on writing this book, but God told me to do it, and so I did. And today, you can get it just about anywhere. We are celebrating, going, “Look what God did!

IF YOU HAVE “DONE THE BOOK” already, we dare you today, as part of our celebration, to let us know what God did for you through it. :)

Just FYI: I also asked about putting “God” as the author, because the whole book was written in a brief span of about a month and I’m sure He inspired the content, as I had never written a book before. They said, “no,” so my name is on it, but know I don’t take credit for writing it. Also know that it funds our ministry. And that I don’t take any salary from Greater Impact for any of the training or speaking that I do. So if you want to question me, or be mad about the book and its content, okay, but know it really isn’t me you are upset with.

At any rate, God Himself has made The RESPECT Dare available everywhere – today’s the official “release” date! As for us, we are celebrating this work that God created and got to market (I literally have gobs of “coincidence” stories about how it all came to pass – did you know the guy who “just happened” to get dropped in my lap as my agent also “just happened” to be the head of the team that did the book we recommend to small groups for the men to do all the time… The LOVE Dare? :)

Crazy crazy stuff. But that’s the journey, isn’t it?

So glad we are on it together.

The badge below is not in the book in those exact words, but it is the main premise of everything we stand for.

To God be the glory!

Love to you,

~Nina