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/ Biblical Womanhood

Who do you think you are?

Dare 3
Who Do You Think You Are?

While you’ve been reading and responding in this dare, you’ve had hundreds of little thoughts running through your head. Some have been about yourself, some are about me, about guys, girls, your parents, your friends, what’s due at work or school tomorrow… the list is endless.

And right now, you may be wondering what that has to do with anything.

They’re just thoughts, right?

Here’s why I’m pointing it out: all day long, we tell ourselves little stories, interpreting our circumstances into positive or negative thoughts. Inside our head, through conversation with ourselves, we create our perception of reality – this impacts our relationships with everyone.

Say for example, you text a friend and she doesn’t respond right away. The way you think about that interaction (or lack of) determines how you’ll perceive whatever she texts back when she finally does. If you think to yourself, “She doesn’t really like me that much, anyway. She is probably hanging out with someone else, like Stephanie, who is way funnier than I am…” you will probably read her return text through a negative lens.

The way we carry on that conversation within our own head, and our ability to transfer that conversation into one we hold with God instead of ourselves as our own advisor impacts how we experience our entire life.

The ability to be aware of our own thoughts and the impact they have on us is the most important first step toward growth and maturity.

And who doesn’t want to be mature?

The ongoing conversation we have with ourselves in our head is the heart of how we experience relationship with God, ourselves, and others. If we’re constantly streaming fear, judgment, anger, etc., instead of tuning in to what God is saying, we’re missing out on the greatest opportunity in the universe.

There’s a verse in the Bible, Proverbs 23:7, the first part of which reads, For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Essentially that verse explains that we become what we think about. Here are a few other verses that reinforce that notion:
Proverbs 11:27
He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.

Romans 8:5
Those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

Proverbs 27:19
As water reflects a face, so a man’s heart reflects the man.

1 Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

I Corinthians 14:20
Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.

If you’ve read 12 Truths to Change Your Marriage (Greater Impact, 2014), you are aware of the huge correlation between healthy thought patterns and mature, adult behavior. If we do not actively choose to continue growing in our faith, knowledge, and wisdom, we stay immature as people.

As we grow, we become more aware of how our selfish thoughts lead to selfish behaviors, and as a result, how our behaviors affect others. The first step in the maturity process is called, “self-awareness.” This is different than being “self-focused.” Self-focus involves pride, ego, self-centeredness, low self-esteem, etc. and has negative effects.

Self-awareness basically means we know ourselves well enough to interact in healthy ways – with ourselves and others. It’s the awareness of how our behaviors, or lack thereof, affect ourselves and others.

It’s a rather simple concept that all children begin to develop as they mature into adulthood. As adults, we continue to become more self-aware as we grow spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Choosing not to grow as an adult will stifle our maturity in our relationships with God, ourselves, and others. Choosing to stay self-focused instead of becoming self-aware will negatively impact all of our relationships.

Inc. Magazine has an awesome article on the concept and reveals 7 signs you’re not as self-aware as you think you are. The list of signs may surprise you.

Essentially, if you bully others, are defensive, controlling, are passive aggressive, grandiose, or have behavior changes that are noticed by others and denied by you, you may have some serious issues with whether or not you are self-aware.

Without self-awareness, we can’t possibly own our behaviors, respond positively to others when they have an issue with us, or improve and repair relationships through empathy, apology, and forgiveness. We do not behave like grown-ups in our relationships.

For example, let’s say you are backing out of a parking space at a busy grocery store. You look behind you both ways as you pull out, but you don’t see the kid riding the cart full of groceries at full speed. Thankfully, and of benefit to both of you, he sees you pulling out in time to jump off and stop the cart. He’s scared and angry, and scowls at you.

At this point, you have three options, and you may or may not be aware of them.

First, if you are self-aware, you’ll realize that your behavior negatively impacted this kid, and he contributed to the situation as well. It doesn’t matter who was wrong, the truth is that when you moved the car, you made a contribution to the problem. You realize this, roll down your window, ask him if he’s okay, tell him you’re sorry, and you let him know you didn’t see him – and his mother, who is right behind him looking relieved, will hopefully take care of instructing him on the safer practices of grocery cart wrangling. You may think about the incident later, but in a way that is neutral, rather than condemning of either of you.

Second, if you are not self-aware, you choose a negative attitude, maybe glare back at the kid, say a few choice words to your passengers about “stupid kids these days.” Perhaps you even go so far as to roll down your window and lecture him about his clear lack of intelligence and complete disregard for safety. You may even throw a snarly comment or two at his mom. The bottom line is that you do not see your contribution to the situation – you blame the kid for all of it. When you think about the incident later, you remember it with the same blaming attitude, telling yourself that the kid and his mother are better off because you let them have a piece of your mind. You may fill your head with a few more self-righteous thoughts about how you can’t believe what a terrible mom she was, letting him do that in the first place, and another thought about how you maybe even prevented a greater tragedy by showing this kid the peril of his ways. You have little to no empathy or understanding of what the kid may have felt (carefree – then scared) and blame him 100%.

Third, if you are not-self-aware, you over-react with blaming yourself for the entire situation, maybe even getting out of the car to apologize profusely to the kid, taking all of the blame for the regrettable incident, blind to the contribution that he made by riding the cart fast in a parking lot. You may even argue with him or his mom when they say something apologetic about his lack of attention to his speed or your tail lights. You “own” something that’s not yours to own – 100% of the blame. When you think of the situation later, you say things to yourself like, “How could I have been so stupid not to see him!” or, “I am terrible at driving – something like this always happens to me,” or, “I can’t believe how dumb I am – I can’t even get out of a parking lot without half-killing someone.”

Obviously the first option is the only healthy one in this circumstance.

Being self-aware results in respect for

Having an awareness of self means that we can see what is true – and not just with our contributions, but those of others as well. We realize our behaviors affect others, have empathy for them, and see the whole truth of the situation – instead of a half-truth or a full lie. We also see that we are worthy of respect in situations, and while others are not to blame for 100% of the incident, neither are we.

Being self-aware results in respect for others,

& respect for ourselves.

There are also going to be times when we are not responsible in any way for something that happens to us – there is wisdom in knowing when these times are, and not assuming all situations fit this category. If your house is hit by a meteor – you are not responsible for that. If a car plows through your front bay window and destroys a room in your house – not your fault. If you are born with dyslexia, a cleft palette, an auto-immune disease – these things are not your fault, either. We should be able to see even in these situations, however, that how we choose to think about them, regardless of who is “responsible” – can impact a lot, especially our relationships with ourselves and others, including God.

What About You?

How do these verses and thoughts affect you as you ponder them? Take a few moments to respond to these questions in your journal:

•What verse spoke the loudest to you today? Why do you think that is?
• Where do you think you fall in the “self-awareness spectrum?” In other words, to you take all the blame, blame others, or see both sides during conflicts?
• Think of your last disagreement with someone you love. How did you react in terms of what we’ve talked about? Did you blame? Did you have empathy?
• How important is it to you to be right in your interactions? Why do you think that is?
• Has blaming others (defensiveness) damaged or cost you relationally? How?
• Has owning too much of the responsibility damaged your relationship with yourself? How has that impacted your relationships with others?
• Have things you were not responsible for negatively impacted your relationships with God, yourself, or others? How? If you apply the verses to those situations, how does your heart line up with the Word?
• What do you think God wants you to do with these learnings today?

Pray with me?

Dear God, give me eyes to see and ears to hear. As Your Word says in Philippians 4:8, we are to think about the things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, and excellent. Proverbs 11:27 reminds us that if we look for evil, we will find it. Help my heart be pure. Your Word in Jeremiah 17:9-10 reminds us that the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick – we can’t understand it. “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” God, this truth is scary to me, because I know my heart is black as they come. Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. Your Word has so much to say about our hearts! Luke 6:45 reminds me that the good person, out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Lord, help me guard my heart and protect it from evil thoughts, evil impressions from music, TV, videos, social media… all those other things I put more of than You into it. Help me choose wisely the influences I allow. Help me focus on seeing myself and others the way You do, through the lens of the Holy Spirit and the coverage of Jesus Christ. Thank You that His blood covers the multitude of my sins and makes a way for me to be with You in this Now, and after death. Like Jesus grew in stature and wisdom with You and with men, help me grow up, God. I Corinthians 14:20 says that we are to stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults. Help me mature in my thinking, Lord. Help me be self-aware such that I see my contribution to problems, have empathy for others, but also see what is true about their contributions as well. Show me the truth, God. Help me think like Jesus. It’s in His Name I pray. Amen.

Dare Ya!

After reading your letter to yourself from the last dare (you’re supposed to be doing that every single day – which you may not know because I added that just now), make a “thought confession list” detailing where your thoughts typically fall out of line with Scripture. Be specific, ie: “I ate the last cupcake and totally blamed my brother for having two yesterday. I ignored that I actually did eat the last cupcake, and didn’t offer to share…okay, actually, I even hid when I ate it and then denied it later when he asked me about it.” In prayer, ask God for forgiveness for these things. Go to the people you have wronged, and ask them for forgiveness.

If you have wronged yourself by taking 100% of the blame for situations, list those out as well, then in prayer, ask God to help you forgive yourself. Ask God for help in responding to life situations in more healthy ways, regardless of which extreme you may swing. Ask Him to help you have a clean heart and bring to mind situations during your days to help you be aware of these things.

Share what you have done with a prayer partner or close friend, asking them to check in with you now and again to see if you are doing better in this area.

Be sure to share here some of your big A-HA!! moments, & comment on others’ responses in an encouraging way – if you’ve taken our eCourse, you are familiar with this type of encouragement experience.

By the way, we have a new group starting this week – TODAY-STYLE – if you are a married woman and haven’t done our Respect Dare eCourse, you should, especially if you haven’t got a group nearby that you can join. We’re doing something really special this round – I absolutely LOVE this – Sandi, the “Dean of Respect Dare University,” and I are doing these 15-30 minute calls each week and I’ll be answering questions – this round only. I hope you’ll join us – we have a bunch of women who already got in this week, I think they’re planning on Dare #1 for today. 🙂

Love to you,

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Oh, and if you got this as an email forward from a friend who cares about you and your family, know we’d love YOU to join us on this journey. The road is long and hard, and often paved with tears, but worth traveling – and you’re not alone.

You can get marriage TIPS! articles, a free copy of my eBook, 101 Ways to Respect Your Husband, and other marriage info here. I’ll be taking down the 101 Ways eBook in the next week or so and putting up a new eBook, so grab it while you can. :) We promise not to share your email with anyone, ever. You’ll get just one or two TIPS! articles a week, plus a blog post as they come, usually 1-2 a week.

If you are just joining us, these might be of interest, too:

Dare 2: Identity

Dare 1: Expectations

Back story of why I’m doing this…

/ Dares

Are You Causing Problems in Your Marriage?

To think that we might be causing some of the problems in our marriage should shake us to the core. Like I said to my two teenagers yesterday, “Both of you are contributing to this.” I’m not off the hook, either. I know I am responsible for my share of the problems in my own relationships.

Let’s go there. I know, scary, right? First, watch the video.

(But also know the good news is if we’re causing part of the problem – we can STOP.)

It’s legit. The main point is simply this – when we argue, unless the other person is uber-mature and humble, we force him to become MORE deeply entrenched in his position, instead of considering what WE want him to be open to.

The video is just the science behind this:

Instead of arguing, if we will have but empathy and compassion for another’s opinion or behavior, and give voice to our understanding of their position, we can then ask a thoughtful question that can turn others toward a completely different way of thinking so much so that they will even convince themselves their own position or behavior is wrong. 

Bet you can come up with a bunch of verses on empathy and compassion, listening, being patient, kind, etc….

After chewing on those for a bit, you might want to read this to understand why defensiveness matters in your relationship with your husband, your kids, and even yourself. The video adds another “how to make someone defensive” tip to the list.

And if you find that you make others defensive a LOT, then you might want to read this to learn a quick way to stop. Read this to find out why it’s happening in the first place. If you are angry and resentful a lot yourself read this – because maybe, just maybe, you’ve stopped being his wife, and are acting like his mom. Or maybe you are just too critical and not compassionate enough toward yourself.

Or maybe you have a guy who is just plain angry all the time.

Causing Defensiveness- (1)

How do you know someone is defensive? 

Easy. They are justifying their behavior.

They aren’t taking ownership about something they should not have done, should have done, etc., and are explaining why they did or didn’t do what they did or didn’t do. You bring a complaint to the person and suddenly there’s a bunch of defending going on, hence the word, “defensive.”

As my husband likes to say, “All excuses just diminish one’s character.” So as a result of the defensive response, you then feel even more resentful, bitter, critical, angry, hurt, whatever. So yeah – no empathy or compassion for you, only justification.

It’s toxic to relationships.

Toxic to the relationship you have with yourself, too. Seriously – think about it. If you are critical of yourself, then you shame yourself, you aren’t behaving in healthy ways. Don’t believe me? Check this post. Then start taking every thought captive – even the ones about yourself.

Today I’m wondering… and I have three questions for our deep thinkers here who want to respond….

1) What is the thing you want to change about someone else who doesn’t want to change?
2) Is what you are currently doing making them defensive?
3) If yes, what can you do instead?

So many times I see this with about 1/3 of women – the woman tries all the things… follows all the experts’ advice… but her husband? He thinks life is just great – and takes advantage of the situation…takes her respect, takes her love, takes her care, takes her effort, takes and takes until she finds herself depleted, hurt, and angry. Even if she knows God, she’s still not as mature as Jesus. She’s spent. Poured out. She’s ASKED for what she wants, and he still just takes from her.

So what happens?

She checks out. Letting him have her heart becomes too risky. So she puts her heart in a jar and chooses apathy instead. He might notice. If she separates, he notices and might try. If she’s emotionally distant, he tries harder.

Why? Because we are wired to pursue things we can’t have. We are easily disatisfied creatures.

And then, if she doesn’t respond, he often gives up, too – but sooner than she did. The hard thing is that by this time, her heart is hard. If it doesn’t soften, the marriage dies.

So today, I want to ask YOU a question.

Think in terms of the people you make defensive. Tweens and teens and husbands coming to mind…???

How often do we lecture others or “give information” as “help” … and is that actually helpful? If the point of that communication is to encourage change, are we effective? With them? With ourselves?

So for today, after you watch the video, I dare you to think of the last time you made someone defensive, including yourself. Were you giving information? Lecturing even? Did they (or you) start justifying or making excuses or explaining?

What question(s) to put them on the other side of the issue could you have asked instead?

  1. What do you want to change about someone who doesn’t want to change?
  2. What could you be doing to make them defensive?
  3. What question(s) could you ask instead?

And for extra credit, how is that respectful?

Think about this… have you ever argued anyone into the Kingdom? Or “won an argument” with your husband? If you win and he loses, you BOTH lose. 

SO very glad you are here! 🙂 Can’t wait to chat!

Love to you,

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Oh, and if you got this as an email forward from a friend who cares about you and your marriage, know we’d love YOU to join us on this journey. The road is long and hard, and often paved with tears, but worth traveling – and you’re not alone.

You can get marriage TIPS! articles and a free copy of my eBook, 101 Ways to Respect Your Husband, and other marriage info here. We promise not to share your email with anyone, ever. You’ll get just one TIPS! article a week, plus a blog post or two here and there.

/ Biblical Womanhood

Do you ever wish he was dead?

If your marriage is a mess, or even just difficult, have you ever wished he was dead? Have you ever wondered if you’d even miss your husband if he died?

Or are you comfortable in your anger and hurt and can’t wrap your brain around the thought?

Maybe like me, you also take a lot for granted.

Like you never ponder his (or your) mortality, and so you’re just upset at him all the time. Maybe you’re conflict avoidant and refusing to deal with the issues in your marriage. Maybe you’re just choosing to fight or ignore him, and live a completely separate life.

If he died, would you wish things had been different?

Can I gently encourage you to learn something from this Now that I’m struggling through? Can what we’re facing somehow move you towards doing something different, even if you are afraid it won’t work? Even if you’ve tried about 300 other times? — because God’s timing for healing isn’t always our timing?

~~~

This holiday, I tried hard to do better. I woke up and was thankful that I did.

When my husband woke, I was really thankful for that, especially given the ugly Now we’re in. I know God means it for Good, and I know He’s always about His business, and I know it’s sin on my part to disagree with the path He’s chosen, but honestly, I don’t like it.

Not one bit.

I just don’t.

I would have picked  something else, like a non-fiction book on whatever topic it was we’re supposed to be straining our growing hearts toward through this Now.

But I didn’t get asked.

And I confess, a few days before Thanksgiving, I was angry.

Angry that I even have to consider what lies ahead. Angry that He tells me some things, and leaves other things hidden.

I know anger is a secondary emotion… what I was really feeling was fear.

Because I’ve been through two thoracic surgeries with our two boys.

I know how week-long hospital stays work. I’m afraid of that time.

And I’m afraid because I’ve had experience. I’ve dealt with nurses who aren’t paying attention and make major mistakes like epidurals running out resulting in horrifying pain for one of my sons. I’ve had a nurse try to steal my son’s narcotics. I’ve set the timers for the medications, woken every two to three hours round the clock, often before they went off, and called the nurses myself when they were late with pain relief.

I’ve slept on the chairs, not showered for a week.

I’ve sat not knowing when to be concerned at the alarms going off, and being afraid because I didn’t know then how little oxygen is too little… and wondering why does pneumonia happen and require oxygen in the first place… and other things I won’t mention because, well, they’re just not meant to be shared with anyone outside of family.

But then come the Psalms. These pages in my bible are growing thinner, I think, because I’ve been in those chapters so often this year.

Psalm 150:

Praise the Lord!
Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heavens!
2 Praise him for his mighty deeds;
    praise him according to his excellent greatness!

3 Praise him with trumpet sound;
    praise him with lute and harp!
4 Praise him with tambourine and dance;
    praise him with strings and pipe!
5 Praise him with sounding cymbals;
    praise him with loud clashing cymbals!
6 Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!

Psalm 1

Blessed is the man
    who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
    nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree
    planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
4 The wicked are not so,
    but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
    nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
6 for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
    but the way of the wicked will perish.

After the Psalms come His peace… actually somewhere in the middle.

I remember to breathe again – and then do the next thing.

His Word is breath and life to me… and reminds me that He is in control, that He allows what He wants to, and that my job is to worship and obey.

Worship and obey.

How do I know what to obey? By “meditating on His law” in other words, knowing the Word, daily ingesting it, daily filling my mind with more Christian than secular influences. It’s a struggle, yes, but worth doing. Necessary. I’m a mess when I don’t, and I wish I did it more consistently.

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. God, give me breath today that I might utter back praise to You. Fill me with Your Spirit, Your Word is my daily bread, I need nothing else but to read it, to think about it, to pray it back to You in worship, and then obey it. Thank You that the more of You I get, the more of You I want. I love the thirst for Your Word, Your Truth. You are the only thing I need. In Jesus name, amen and amen.

When I look back on what’s true, what He’s already done I see change. I remember writing a post about being terrified of riding this horse.

Now, thanks to God and an amazing trainer, I am no longer afraid.

Last week, I road blindfolded without reins – up a hill. It was awesome.

I had already pushed through the fear, faced it nearly daily for months, even though I’d gotten to this place where I dreaded riding because I was so afraid of getting hurt.

Because I didn’t quit, though, I’m different. More confident in literally every area of my life.  You can’t go around fear, you can only go through it. Awful at the time, worth it at the end.

It helped tremendously that I had a trainer that I trusted enough to just do whatever he said.

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Once in a while, my brain goes to the “What If’s” of this Now… but then I remember other things, like how we “just happened” to find out about his condition, and how we’re so incredibly blessed to even know about it… and how we both have breath, and we are praising Him for that.

My DH spent all day in the kitchen on Thanksgiving doing what he loves to do – brilliantly weaving flavors together, filling our house with the aromas of herbs, meat, and comfort. I spent parts of the day on and off doing what I do with him, just following him around the kitchen helping. I did make a pie. It was epic… so was his turkey and stuffing.

We gave thanks together as a family, and the words seemed to have more weight, more meaning to them this year.

Why is that? Why do we get so blind? Why does familiarity often breed contempt instead of contentment? Why do we focus so much on what’s wrong instead of what God wants us to see? Why does it so often take a crisis or a threat for us to be reminded of how awesome everything really is if we’ll just SEE the way He does?

philippians 4 8

I don’t know about you, but I too often in the midst of the minutia moments of a day think about the wrong things. This Now, in particular, has that struggle at full throttle.

And it’s sin.

Lately, I’ve been wondering, as I’ve been thinking too-soon in our marriage about the mortality of my life partner… I know I would miss him terribly if he died, as would our kids. I would more than notice – I’d be a tiny bit happy for him, jealous even, because I know where he’s going, but I would also be agonizingly lonely.

Lonelier than I’ve ever been, even in the roughest spots in our marriage.

Do you ever think about that – I mean really think about how you would feel if your husband died?

Do you ever then wonder if HE would miss YOU if you died? Do you wonder what kind of wife you’ve been? What kind of wife you’ve become?

Has the pain in your marriage changed you? Have you gone through it or around it?

For better or for worse?

I don’t honestly even know.  I know I’ve been far FAR from the perfect wife.

As for me, right now, I’ll take all the second chances available. Desperate-to-do-better style.

To be completely transparent, I am either completely blind to the possibilities or have peace about the outcome for us. We’re at an amazing hospital with stellar results for the procedure(s) he’ll go through. I would like to think that if something bad was to happen (and the odds are small for that) God would be preparing me for that. He’s not. I could be wrong, but I’m not going to think about those things. I acknowledge death is always a possibility (his daily commute should have me shaking – city traffic is worse than velociraptors as far as I’m concerned).

But instead, I’m clinging to Philippians 4:8, preaching His Word to myself multiple times a day, lest that other guy gain ground.

Quite honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing, or how this will be in the middle of the next Now. I’m not looking forward to it, but am trying to experience and be His grace to myself and others.

But for today, I choose to be Thankful. I choose to SEE.

Are you struggling, too? Do those questions above slay your broken heart like they do mine?

We all need heart surgery, don’t we? Would love to hear from you about yours today. And thank you for being here. I’m grateful you are on the journey with me.

Love to you,

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/ Avoid Divorce

An Open Letter to Husbands…

An Open Letter to Husbands …

You know the feeling, the heart-pounding, tight-chested, palm-sweating moment filled with dread. “OH NO. This can’t possibly end well,” you might think, as you watch her crying, listening to her complaining that she doesn’t feel loved.

The adrenalin has kicked in and you feel close to panic. All you want to do is get out of the room. Or maybe worse, you feel yourself getting angry.

Hopefully you don’t respond to either of those – but it’s likely you do, as most people (men and women alike) respond to situations like this or conflict with the “fight or flight” response.

This is your flesh, your nature, in action, cave-dweller against lion style.

And can I suggest ever-so-gently and with the greatest amount of respect, that how you handle this is going to impact whether you are warmly received (or hotly pursued) later?

Want to know what to do? And please know I’m not suggesting in the least that you don’t already know your wife, have great motives towards being the Best Husband Ever, nor am I calling you a slacker. I do want to help you hear some things you may not have heard before that could potentially change your interactions with your wife for the better.

I spend most of my time working with women who feel alone and unloved in their marriages. The truly sad thing is that seemingly most women fit into this category at some point during their marriages. The other sad thing is that many of their husbands just don’t know what to do. Please know that I encourage women to not just stick it out, but try to be great help to you, to respect and honor you, as their husband.  You might check a recent post that tells them to stop complaining about feeling unloved.

Might I share a few ideas, things that might help you in your marriage relationship with your wife (and heat things up in the bedroom)? Not all of them will apply, and it’s likely you are already doing many of these, but there might be a few ideas worth considering… 🙂

First, consider things BEFORE she starts crying, before she starts complaining.

Dear Husbands_ (2)

Think about her day so far, and the days leading up to this one. What has she done? When did she get up? When does she go to bed? If she’s working, she is likely tired. Research shows women need a little more sleep on average than men do – is she getting it? Did you know that by putting the kids to bed for her, or getting up a little earlier yourself to make the kids’ lunches for school or help get them ready, you may actually be saving her life? Research shows that a lack of sleep increases the risks for women of stroke, heart disease, inflammation and serious pain – especially if she already has arthritis, depression, and psychological problems. So if she’s freaking you out or waking up grumpy – as her husband, as her protector, she needs you to step in by stepping up to some of the work to help her get sleep.

Why don’t women take better care of themselves? Often it is because they are too busy. There’s always something to be done – and she’s bearing the burden for doing it. The kids need her, the laundry has piled up, the yard needs raked, dinner needs preparing, someone left dishes out, and the toilets need swishing. Research shows women wait longer to deal with heart attack symptoms, often to the point of being too late for early intervention. Women have also now surpassed men as more are dying from heart disease, and when they do get treatment, they often have worse outcomes and its often couple with depression. Research also shows that couples who share domestic tasks are actually happier than  those that don’t. She also wants you to do the heavier stuff – like yard work, cars, home maintenance, and maybe even the bill paying. Things that require some muscle also help make you more attractive to her.

Know that if you are sitting around gaming at night while she’s engaged with the kids or doing chores, your lack of engagement and play time will likely add to her resentment and frustration. This will naturally cut down on her receptivity in the bedroom.

Want to see how the hours spent doing chores for men versus women compare around the world? Check this link. The article is mostly about India, but the chart is uber-cool.

Think you are sharing things 50/50? You’re not alone – many men agree. What’s troublesome, however, is that the women don’t, and the facts don’t support this.

What is interesting is that there are groups in our culture that will insist that men and women are alike in every way. This argument can be dispelled if we simply look at women’s ability to bear children and nurse, and our physical differences. Many of the research studies saying men and women are similar only focus on the similarities – of which there are many – and thank God for that, otherwise marriage could be like trying to have an intimate relationship with a different species, like if dogs tried to marry cats – it wouldn’t work.

But those differences matter. And we all need to be aware of them.

Women, for example, care a lot about relationships. That means they care about their marriage being good. They want to feel connected to you. And the little things matter to her. So when she’s got to pick up your stuff, put your dishes in the dishwasher, or repeatedly ask you to take out the garbage, rake the leaves, mow the yard, paint the hall, make dinner sometimes, pick up your underwear off the floor, etc., this can cause resentment because she’s tempted to not view you as a man, but rather a child. Here’s why: she doesn’t want to take care of you like she does the kids. She wants a life partner.

To put it in perspective, it’s akin to how you’d feel if you  constantly had to cover for a friend at work, and he kept getting credit for the work because the boss didn’t know you were covering for him. Or if your coworker who worked less hours and contributed less on the project (because he was a slacker and spent his time golfing instead of working) got the same bonus as the rest of the team who put in long days, gave up family stuff and their golf outings to finish it on time. After a while, you might get tired of being taken advantage of like this. You might not give him such a high rating on his next 360 appraisal, right?

And please know that I’m not suggesting you do the more traditionally “feminine chores” – research also shows those things make you LESS attractive and have a little less sex than if you are doing the “masculine chores.” She wants help with the “heavy lifting” ones – probably because if you don’t do them, she has to – and she isn’t physically as strong as you are.

Check the comments about this topic on Facebook:

Melissa With three kids and grad school, I never get time to myself. He realizes that he can clock out and come home. My work is home. I never leave. I never clock out. I am always working. The difference between my job and his, is that he can help me with my work if he is feeling up to it. We make it fun a do work together to get it done more quickly.
Sheryle  There are times when I just simply cannot do what needs to be done. When I don’t have time or the energy to do what needs to be done. When my dear husband does what I need, I feel valued, loved and cherished.
Lakisha I think it is sooo sexy when I see my husband with a broom! I am only working pt but to see him come home and clean our bedroom or sweep the floor and take some of the work off me after working a full day himself makes me love him more.
Melanie My husband works full time and I work part time, and even with his busy schedule (he has 2 jobs and only Sundays off) he still cleans up around the house if something needs done and I haven’t gotten to it, and it makes me feel like he cherishes my time, because he knows how busy I am with taking our kids to school and all the errands and events that come with daily living. He shows me that he cares about me and our family, instead of just putting his feet up and watching TV. Thanks for asking these questions, it made me think and appreciate my husband even more 🙂
Karen Helps me to physically see we are in this together. Through the rat race, the children take overs, the Laundry pile battle, the sink is to small for the dishes events… I am thankful he makes sure I know he isn’t above getting dirty – domestically.
Tiffany It fills my tank. My primary love language is acts of service, so when he does house work, I overflow. However, in 24 years of marriage, I’ve learned not to expect it. I have also learned that have to ask for help if I really need it, because he’s not wired to see it.

 

Knowing that she cares about relationships, understand that you are making a deposit in the relationship when you do traditionally manly things – without having to be hounded (she hates nagging as much as you do) as that presents you as a reliable guy with initiative – and she’s going to feel closer to you and have less resentment, which is likely to result in more action in the bedroom. If you like research, here’s a list of articles that talk about the differences in the genders. If you just want to relate better with your wife, check out this page for 101 Ways to Love Your Wife.   Another awesome resource for you if you really want to dig into the research is For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn (it comes with a summary outline of the bullet points).

If you want to completely knock her socks off – ask her to take the Love Language Profile – and then read it, then DO things for her that speak to her love language without her having to ask.

And here’s a list of “Top 5 Things” you can do for your wife this week:

5 Ways to Stop Your Wife From Freaking

Bottom line – men and women relate differently, but if we will but have empathy for each other, understand some of our differences and put some effort into meeting our life-partner half-or-more-way, our marriages will be happier and we’ll model better things for our kids.

As her protector, she needs you.

Hope this helps. Like I said, not all will apply, but hopefully some of the ideas are worth thinking about.

Blessings to you, sirs!

Respectfully,

~Nina

 

 

 

/ Avoid Divorce

Have You Morphed into His Mom by Doing it ALL?? Respect Dare #33

A good friend of mine revealed recently that instead of being a solid life partner to her husband, somewhere along the line, she morphed into his mother. As I re-read Dare#33 today from The Respect Dare book, I can see how these things occur if situations like the one in the story happen over and over and over again.

This intrigued me, so I asked her to share more. I deal with many women whose husbands respond to the dares by becoming better men, but I also unfortunately see men who take advantage of their wives’ efforts to improve the marriage – letting them do all the work in the relationship, and even in the family. It’s an interesting notion, don’t you agree? The implication is that at some point, the wife ceases being a person walking alongside and the person walking in front, but at the same time, is viewed as an object, by her husband.

do unto others respect

“He just stopped taking care of things,” she told me. “First it was the bills, then it was work around the house, then it was the yard, then it was interaction with the kids.  I literally had to ask him to do everything, and he’d only do it half the time.”

I asked her how she responded.

“At first, I did the same thing the woman in the dare did – I just let it go. Stayed out of God’s way. We went for days without electricity once. I responded really well, too. I literally said to him when he wanted to know when the power company was going to fix things, ‘I’m so sorry this happened – you work so hard at your job, I didn’t want to burden you with the electric, we can camp until the money’s there,’ and it made him angry. It wasn’t that we couldn’t afford the electric, but that he just wasn’t paying it. We both knew that – and for whatever reason, my flexibility upset him.”

I wondered if he had continued going to church, learning from other men, growing in the Word and his relationship with God.

“No. He slowly stopped doing that, too. He still goes to church with me and the kids, but he stopped hanging out with men older than him, more mature in the faith. He seldom reads his Bible, and we don’t pray together,” she replied.

So what did she do?

“I woke up one morning, realizing that though we had talked through who did what years ago, he’d stopped holding up his end of the bargain, and I was covering for him. I had begun to fix things around the house – and I did that thing you suggest about talking to him first, finding out what he thinks I should do when he doesn’t keep his word, and he said, ‘remind me,’ so I reminded him. Nicely. Like ten times for simple things, and I was respectful, and asked like you say, ‘as if it was the first time,’ and he STILL let the water get shut off, still let things stay broken until they were expensive to repair. I got tired of dealing with it. So I started hiring handy men. I’d leave the bill, and when he wouldn’t pay it, so then I started paying the bills, too.

I woke up one day, and realized that I wasn’t in a marriage relationship any more, but I’d morphed into his mom. I don’t need a 40 year old adult child, I need a man, a husband. So I gave him some ‘good.’”

Huh?

“The Bible says in Proverbs  31:12, ‘she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.’ Proverbs 18:22 says, ‘he who finds a wife finds what is good and finds favor from the Lord.’ I was reading my devotional one day, wondering how to be a good wife, why my life was so exhausting and lonely, and Psalm 106 and 107 were on the schedule – and I was floored by how the passages both said that God is good, then went on to talk about all the consequences Israel suffered because they didn’t obey Him. I don’t think I need to be obeyed by anyone, especially my husband, okay, my kids, yes, but what I realized was that I was standing in the way of the consequences of his behaviors. The truth was that his lack of wisdom, his lack of maturity, his foolishness, negatively impacted his kids and me.

I had hid that from him in the name of being a ‘good’ wife. I protected him from it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And he took advantage of me, and I let him, and I realized I wasn’t being good, but rather NICE.”

OH.

If we read Proverbs (a book of the Bible on wisdom) we learn that there are basically 3 types of people:

  1. The wise man
  2. The foolish man
  3. The evil person

We all have all 3 within us – so don’t get on a high horse and start dishing judgment towards your husband and realize I’m not either.

I have areas in which I am extremely foolish – being organized is one of them. I also have areas in which I’m evil – I can be seriously selfish about certain things. God has also grown me in wisdom, but only because I’ve asked Him to and He’s chosen to do so, and then I’ve put forth the effort necessary to become more wise by studying the Bible, listening to Biblical teachers, and choosing more Christ-based inputs in my life than worldy ones.  I still have a LONG way to go, btw.

The Bible also tells us how to deal with each person (so you have to know who/what you’re dealing with before you take action):

  1. Wise guy: respectfully dish truth
  2. Fool: avoid the argument but allow consequences
  3. Evil: turn the other cheek

It’s easiest to see if you are dealing with a wise guy or a fool by gently being honest about how the person has hurt you – if they respond favorably with apology and empathy, then change their behavior, they are wise.

So if you are respectful, kind, gentle and loving when you let your husband know how his behavior hurts you and he actively apologizes in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7 style) then changes – he is wise.

Note that WE are wise also, if we respond to his concerns in the same way. 🙂

How are we doing in that department? Are we trying to meet his needs? Or is our marriage all about us?

If he gets angry, defensive, and argues with you when you discuss issues, understand you are dealing with a fool.  Sometimes it is hard to discern between a fool and an evil person, especially if s/he claims to be a believer.

Remember that we are all 3 people – so we may be wise in one area, and foolish or evil in another.

What does this mean?

While there’s learning that occurs and none of the experience is wasted as we learn to “die to self” and “live for Christ” it also means that being a “doormat” doesn’t need to be a destination for you as you do The Respect Dare. If you check, there are a number of instances within the dares you’ve read already that describe wives interacting with discernment, dishing truth, and handling evil and a fool. Dare 18 comes to mind as a great example of truth telling.  There are more.

Here’s the thing – if you have been married a while, been respectful for a while, and your husband is taking advantage of you, it may be that he is not wise or worse.

Stop mothering him, and be his life partner. If he is a believer, that means gently speaking to him first, and if that doesn’t help, escalate things Matthew 18 style. You might need to separate, whether inside your house or outside, depending on how bad things are – and know that if you do, the purpose is for restoration of the marriage.

And this doesn’t give you license to be disrespectful in the way you treat anyone – including your husband. ALL people are worthy of respect, but God commands us in Ephesians 5:33 to respect him in particular. So remember that a gentle answer turns away wrath and we are not to sin in our anger, and we are to be kind, gentle, loving, and good. NICE didn’t make the list. Know the difference. Sweet words are a honeycomb and strength and dignity does not need to shout.

I’m also NOT suggesting that he is no longer responsible for your family, that he is no longer considered the “head”  – but rather, having a different dialogue about what real help and good can be nurtured in a marriage relationship by a wife.

What’s interesting to me (and I think I need to ask Shaunti Feldhahn if she’s researched this at all – you should totally follow her if you don’t already!!) is that literally 100% of the women I personally know who have marriages over 35 years have reached the point where they 1) realized they were enabling, and 2) actively chose to STOP. These are God-loving, Bible-reading, WISE women. Don’t you find that interesting?

What’s also interesting is we’ve had several pastors and two Christian psychologists that we work with say basically that some men need this to occur for them to act like men toward their wife and family.

What do you think about these things today? What wisdom or stories do you have to share?

Would love to hear from you on this one…

Love to you,

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PS – Couple things you need to know NOW:

  1. The fall eCourse is filling up, so I know it doesn’t start for two more weeks (September 15) but if you want a spot, grab it while you can.
  2. If you are doing The Respect Dare in a small group this fall, we have some very casual videos (no where near the production of Daughters of Sarah, but the content is good) for you now.
  3. Also, Daughters is just 2 more weeks away from being available for you!!  We’ll have Part 1 (sessions 1-7) access for you then, and Part 2 available 7 weeks after that. Be sure to sign up for the TIPS! and subscribe on the side to the blog – we’ll let you know when it’s available.