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/ Avoid Divorce

One man’s opinion about defensiveness…

Ever ask a man about defensiveness?

A little while back, a class member asked me a question about her husband. He had made fun of a disabled person and was angry about how long it took to get through the grocery line. She has been at a loss at how to deal with these things. I blogged about it here. I asked a few men about this. My question for them was essentially, “How do you deal with a super-defensive guy?”

The below is some of what I heard back. The emphasis is mine.

Thank you for asking me about this issue that women have brought up about their men. Ever since you  asked me this question, I have thought about how I interact with my wife.  I found, over 38 years, you get into a pattern.  You get into an expectation mindset.  This is not a good place to be with your wife or anyone else.  They never seem to do what you expect, especially when you do not let them know.  You feel let down and unappreciated.

To answer the question for the women, not knowing their personalities, my first suggestion is that they start by sitting their husband down, if possible, and ask for forgiveness if they have been critical or contemptuous.  I know when my wife comes to me for forgiveness, it opens up communication and we can discuss a lot of things.  Feelings come out that you would not normally share out of the blue.

The uber-defensive men, have issues.  There are very few reasons for any man to be this defensive.  One, they are hiding stuff from their wife or two, they are hiding something from their wife.  There is absolutely no reason to be that defensive unless something is going on that he does not want her to know.  I am sorry but unless these guys are having their own internal crisis (their job, feeling of being trapped in the relationship because of children, feeling like they want more freedom, envious of guys who don’t have responsibility, etc) they are up to something that they are trying to keep from their wife.  Deflect, defend and respond.

The guys who are being mean to their wives and kids in public, personally, need to have their “butts kicked”.  Sorry but that is being a bully, not a father or husband.  Kids are kids and they do unthinkable things (like fall into ape exhibits).  Maybe this is a reaction based on how they were raised, but that is no excuse to repeat the “sins of the past”.  If that was an viable excuse then I should be divorced and should have whipped my kids with a belt!

Repeating bad patterns is a lazy way to parent and a lazy way to be in a life-long relationship.

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If, and I mean IF, these men are Christians, then they have NO excuse to be acting this way.  If God, when we accept Jesus as our Savior, promises a changed life, then this kind of behavior does not reconcile with who Christ expects us to be.  I would say their walk is at best, surface.  It is one thing to be the leader of your home, but that does not mean you need to be Idi Amin.  Discipline for kids is important but not without love and respect.

The guys who want “no boundaries” are guys who really do not want the relationship and the responsibility that comes with it.  Marriage is a partnership…and I would say an equal partnership.  The moment one party, or the other, thinks it is more about them and less about their spouse, there are issues.  These situations are for counselors.

I am not sure I was a lot of help here.  I can tell you,  just you sending this, made me think about what I do.  I love my wife deeply and like any guy I do stupid things, many times without thinking, but sometimes because I think I have earned the right to do this or that.  Heck I work, put food on the table and a roof over her head, I should at least be able to…(you finish the sentence).  Again, being married is give and take.

The moment one party feels like they are the minority partner, there are going to be issues.  If not spoken, then they will come out physically.  Whether it is a man staying out late with his buddies or some other sketchy behavior, or the wife withholding sex (which could be dangerous in many ways) the patterns will continue or get worse and there will be a lot of hurt and finger pointing when the relationship goes south.

The woman needs to get tough and stand her ground until she gets heard.  I feel awful for her if she is trying this hard to make it work.  Do these women have any couples, with healthy relationships, they can get together with? I know this kind of sneaky, however these men need to see how this works with other healthy couples.  Sometimes it takes that kind of influence…man on man…to get them to see a better way to be a husband and a father.

I hope this has been some help.  I am not perfect but any stretch.  It is only because of God in my life that I was able to break the pattern in my own family.  Plus I have an awesome wife.  She is the best match for me…God is good!

Thanks again for asking me.

What to do now?

I suggest taking inventory in the respect department. How are the words coming out of our mouths today? Bravery isn’t spiteful, rude, cruel, or contemptuous. EVER.

This is My command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.Joshua 1-9

AND…I appreciate this guy’s comments.  What do you think?  Check the comments in the other post from last week, and chime in!

Love to you,

Nina

Here’s a few more you might like:

How to stop the arguing

101 ways to respect your husband 

Are you a peaceful wife?

Ever wish your husband was dead?

17 life hacks for busy moms

When he doesn’t deserve respect 

CommunicationConfidenceInfluenceLife purpose & balanceSpiritual growthleadership (4)

 

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So what if she’s thinking about another man?

So what if she’s thinking about another man?

Ever wonder “so what?” if you found yourself with thoughts of another guy creeping into your mind?

We’re dealing with that some more today, and I’ve got a gift for you at the end of this post – a free download! 🙂 So stick with me til the end, K? 🙂

4 for the weapons of our warfare are not human weapons, but are made powerful by God for tearing down strongholds. We tear down arguments 5 and every arrogant obstacle that is raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to make it obey Christ.

1 Corinthians 10:4-5

Earlier this week, I wrote a post  about what can happen when women allow themselves to go places mentally that can destroy their marriages. The sad truth is that there are WAY TOO MANY women having warm fuzzy thoughts about men other than their husbands.

I literally thought this phenomenon only applied to wives who were in hard marriages, married with difficult circumstances.

That’s simply not true.

It’s more common than we think.

A lot more common.

I was surprised by the amount of email I received dealing with this.

But what really surprised me was the “late in the game” approach many of us seem to take when dealing with it.

1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to “FLEE” from sexual immorality.

And having done a ton of research on this topic and fought my own battles with it (just being truthful – have a bad interaction with the husband, no matter how awesome your marriage is overall, you will at some point be vulnerable enough to notice another man – it happens to us all, eventually – and don’t be putting on pride if it hasn’t happened to you yet – it likely will!) I’ve come to the conclusion that “flee” and “taking thoughts captive” need to start much much MUCH earlier in the game than they usually do.

REALLY LATE IN THE GAME:

“My mind wanders to him several times a day, remembering interactions, looking forward to seeing him again,” 

“A little fantasy about an ‘accidental touch’ is pretty innocent – it’s not like I’m thinking about him sexually” 

“I deserve a little happiness – he just makes me feel good about myself and I enjoy being with him” 

LATE IN THE GAME:

“I’m a little concerned because I’ve found myself thinking about him when we’re not together”

“I look forward to seeing him at work/church/school”

“He makes me feel smart/attractive/valued/cared for” 

STEPPING ONTO THE PATH:

“He compliments me and I feel good about myself – wish my husband did that” 

“I noticed he was kind to me – and thought about him later” 

“I didn’t realize I found him attractive until now” 

“Something happened and I thought about his good qualities”  

DANGER ZONE:

“His eyes held mine for a moment, and I liked it”

“I saw my friend’s husband being around more than mine was, and wished …”

“I was reading a romance novel/watching a movie/saw a post online … and wished my husband/marriage/romance was more like theirs”

Those of you who know me well know that I’m usually not one given to “ultra-conservatism” in general. I usually find it legalistic. I’m a “major in the majors” kind of gal. You may find my descriptions above a little “over the top” in the conservative department. I think this is really important though. REALLY IMPORTANT.

Why? I’ve seen too many cases where “something innocent” ends in something destructive.

And we all know who’s wandering around seeking to destroy.

This is major. And we consider it respectful behavior, something that SERIOUSLY PROTECTS your marriage, whether your husband ever knows about it or not – and for the record, you probably NEVER need to share these things with him. A girlfriend for accountability – sure, but your husband? Probably not – it will just hurt.

RESPECT 101

There are other thoughts, ones that are just as likely to destroy our marriages that we need to take captive… tiny little thoughts, the ones where we give our husband the benefit of the doubt or condemn him… You have no idea how important they are.

Those blaming ones are the most important to take captive – spend a bunch of time accusing your husband in your head of having heinous motives, and you’ll see that affect your attitude toward him, then you’ll see it effect your behavior. When God says,

4 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. 6 It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

“Hoping all things” can mean “thinking the best.”

Same with not being “easily angered or resentful.”

These small thoughts make or break marriages. Check Shaunti Feldhahn’s research if you don’t believe me. Watch the video. It’s awesome and the book is stellar and should be required reading for all married couples.

Those little thoughts about other men? They start our hearts wandering on a path away from oneness to infidelity. Next thing you know, you are doing things you never thought you would with someone you have no business being with.

Thought —>Attitude —>Behavior

Two ways to look at this:

  1. Repeated accusations in your head —> Attitude about him formed —> Treating him as if accusations are true (think about it – let’s say someone has an attitude toward you that you are stupid. She constantly criticizes you. Doesn’t that naturally breed defensiveness? Low self-esteem? Anger? Resentment toward her?) Thinking negatively about your husband results in a negative attitude about him, which results in negative behaviors towards him and often HOPELESSNESS from him (why would he keep trying when you just think the worst anyway? – too often this is how it goes).
  2. Repeated allowance of affection or positive thoughts about another man —> Attitude about him formed —> Treating him AND your husband as if these attitudes are true (think warmly about someone, no matter how well you know them, long enough – you start to like him – and then you lose affection for your husband. You start to have affection for the other man, which opens a door that leads to destruction of your marriage and other things) Thinking positively about another man results in affinity for him, which results in positive behaviors towards him – and can result in returned affection from him.

So take your thoughts captive.

ALL of them. Have a zero tolerance policy. Declare your brain holy ground. This is respectful of yourself, your husband, your God, and your marriage.

Take your positive thoughts about other men & your negative thoughts about your husbandCAPTIVE.

 

Can’t stop thinking about the other guy? 

Here’s what we’ve found to help:

  1. CONFESSION – but not to your husband. You will just hurt him. Confess to God, then to a trusted girlfriend, to hold you accountable.
  2. FLEE – if you find yourself having the “warm fuzzy” feeling more than once for this guy, you have a problem. Find a different chiropractor, dentist, etc.
  3. IF YOU “CAN’T” FLEE, FLEE ANYWAY – K, so I’m about to be really unpopular, but if we really believe what we say we believe, we’ll realize this isn’t what we think it is – we are at war – the enemy is trying to take you down – and God may be allowing it because your idol is materialism and you love your stuff more than Him or your marriage… OUCH… I know… but be willing to leave your job, your school, your whatever to protect your marriage if God doesn’t help you take those thoughts captive.
  4. AVOID – this isn’t conflict – so I’m advocating avoiding putting yourself in places where you are tempted. Don’t read romance novels, don’t watch the love story movies, (or the porn – unfortunately that’s becoming a thing with women now, too) if you find yourself comparing your husband to the ones in the fantasy. Avoid working/serving/being alone with men. PERIOD. You are vulnerable and when you are vulnerable, you need to take steps to keep yourself and your marriage safe.
  5. BEG GOD (and know sometimes He doesn’t answer this one with a “Yes”) – on your face-style, doing all the above, if it is something you truly love or a situation you really don’t want to give up (like your job) beg God to remove the temptation. You’ll likely still have to guard your heart and take thoughts captive, but you’ll be doing it earlier, and maybe even stop having them all together if He grants this one.

And yes, I would hope a good Christian husband would do the same if he was struggling.

So don’t send me emails or post here calling me a misogynist.

I don’t have the bandwidth for that argument today.

There are what we consider just a few of the many “Wise Fences” of protection to put up around your marriage, too.

What other “fences” have you seen as helpful? How do you protect YOUR marriage? Feel free to chime in below. (and don’t forget your download!! 🙂 )

It’s taking me a little longer to put the survey results together, but I should have them soon.

Love to you,

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In the meantime, and I know it can be a MEAN TIME, you might check out one or more of the following top-shared posts.

101 Ways to Love Your Wife (viral) More stats
101 Ways to Respect Your Husband (viral) More stats
How to Calm Down an Angry Husband
15 Ways to Show Disrespect to Your Husband…
Why Is Your Wife Unhappy?

Also, Boot Camp 2016 is open for registration. Raise the Bar! (the public speaking workshop) is down to just 2 seats left, and enrollments in Boot Camp are limited. We are already almost 1/3 full – with many people returning from last year, and we’ve added 20 spots!!! Seriously, don’t wait to enroll or you won’t get a spot. Last year we took 40, this year we will take only 60.

We can’t do two camps this summer because of other commitments.

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If you feel led to be a Titus 2 woman using our unique discipleship method that leaves women forever changed, check it out.

Plus, it’s an awesome gift from your husband to you for the ministry God might be calling you to.

If you are booking retreat speakers, you can contact us  through the www.GreaterImpact.org website for more info. We typically book 12-18 months in advance.
And here’s the free download: The Small Group Leader’s Guide for The Respect Dare. We’d love you to support your January groups with this freebie and the videos. 🙂 Our website costs have gone up, so grab them while they are $29 – in January they go up to $49.

Small Group Leader’s Guide

 

 

/ Avoid Divorce

The marriage damage no one’s talking about …

There’s a thing that causes marriage damage no one’s talking about… at least not that I’ve seen much.

And someone needs to bring it up – and as God would have it, that someone this time is me.

It has to do with the attention of another MAN.

I received this via email a while back:

What do you do when the hurt & pain you endured from infidelity, lying, cheating, drunkeness, staying out all night and acting like nothing was wrong with what they were doing lasted so long that you lost all loving feelings? Now they are ready to work on the marriage, have stopped drinking and cheating, but I just don’t even care any more.  My prayer today, right before I saw the email on “Wounded”, was I pray Lord to You to summon the courage inside of me to pursue in the midst of my weariness. I exchange my strength for your strength by applying Your Word. I even noted ***ACTION REQUIRED***. But I don’t know what “action” to take other than turn it over to God and continue to deal with one situation at a time.

I desire a character change from anger, hurt, unloving feelings, irritability, sarcasm, procrastination, etc.; all towards my husband. I read that we should honor the feeble because we need them to help us understand that without God’s grace, we could be like them.

No kidding.

This isn’t uncommon. A wife (or husband) works hard, growing in her relationship with God, pursuing Him with everything she has, trying to be the best follower, wife, and mom she can be (and in that order), and still can be rejected… just like wounding can occur anyway in the referenced post above.

(Please note I am not speaking about abuse. If that is your situation, you need support and safety on a whole other level.)

So where is our hurting girl above at? This heart hardening is a thing only God can fix. A God intervening softening of the heart miracle thing only He can do – she needs to pray compassion for herself and her husband. She needs to bathe in God’s love for her so she can extend it to her husband once again. In His timing.

What a wife (or husband) does during and after that waiting time, while recovering from rejection, however, can determine whether or not the marriage can be saved. Let’s talk through a few of the options:

  1. Remain steadfast, continuing to learn, choosing to serve regardless of how she is received or rejected (Biblical)
  2. Continue doing option 1 and be open to what she might be missing (often she has unhealthy behaviors of her own, a lack of boundaries, and may be an enabler, or she is so narcissistic she can’t see her contribution) (also Biblical as an option)
  3. Take positive action given what she learns from option 2 (Biblical)
  4. Harden her heart and avoid interaction with her husband, decreasing pain in the short term
  5. Fill her life with other things/people/idols to dull the pain
  6. Consider separation or divorce (if she does this, she still must be seeking reconciliation – she can’t date or marry anyone else)

Here’s the thing few will talk about… when she’s “numb,” or “lost all loving feelings,” the marriage is super-vulnerable. If she’s living with constant negativity, criticism or abuse, even years of consistent lack of affection, she won’t realize it when it is happening, but the kindness of another man stands out to her, causing the assault of thoughts of an impure variety – and most of them are non-sexual in nature. The impure thoughts that can drive a dagger through the possibility of the marriage healing are simply fond and warm toward a man other than her husband.

That’s where they begin, anyway.

Where they lead is death.

I’ve talked with women that love God with everything they are but are in difficult marriages. They don’t want to think warmly of another man. But they find themselves doing so and are at a loss.

They are surprised.

Shocked.

“I can’t go to my dentist,” or “I look forward way too much to seeing my chiropractor,” or even, “The guy I have to work with at work is way too cute… and I don’t get it, he’s not even my type!” are some of the thoughts they have. “He is so nice to me… I’ve been so lonely for so long…”

Yikes.

Desperate for affection of any kind, they are easy prey for men who would take advantage of them in their vulnerable state.

Eye contact lingers.

A smile engages. Discussion ensues…

Then…

Enough for here.

There’s another thing few talk about… this notion that “Matthew 18 applies to marriage” (which I happen to believe, btw) – but what is often missed in Christian teaching is simply that all discussion of someone else’s sin against another needs to be done gently. Lovingly. There are many authors out there who are Christian that support “shunning” the “sinning” spouse… and given new info, many walk down this path, torch in hand, energized to “stand up for their rights” in a way that proves their “sinning” spouse is wrong… And I don’t have issue with women speaking truth in the middle of a moment, or setting boundaries… but I’ve listened to the training.

I’ve seen the results.

What they don’t know is this “shunning” and “verbal assertiveness” (which is just as often another way of labeling an unkind assault or defensiveness) has a low (less than 5%!!!) success rate in saving a marriage.

I know.

I have talked with many of the authors and counselors of these materials.

They admit they don’t save many marriages.

Why they continue is beyond me. I don’t get it.

What both of these groups need to realize is simply this: the marriage needs to be protected. A hedge, boundaries, rules, need to be employed for the  unloved and affection-starved.

At the first sign of a tempting thought, a warmth, admiration, or fondness for another man – RUN. Here’s a few verses that can help you with this:

Bad company corrupts good morals. (1 Corinthians 15:33)

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18)

The guy may be awesome – but his company is bad if you can’t capture those thoughts and tame them to the mind of Christ (and yes, this verse has many meanings).

What do you do?

RUN.

Flee.

Stop spending time with him.

Understand that if he “makes you feel good” and your husband does not, you are on a path that often ends in divorce.

And the other issue? Those that suggest “shunning?” Or the harsh verbal aggression in the name of protection?

Sorry. LONG discussion… but suffice it to say, these are NOT tools to wield at a “sinning” husband. Remember Jesus’ words, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,” and respond with love and grace.

That doesn’t mean “rolling over and taking it” or “becoming a doormat.” It does mean speaking the truth, while being gentle, loving, kind, patient… Strong. Oh, how about this verse:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

I have a much longer dialogue about Matthew 18 here and here – and most marriage experts, including the well researched Gottman method, ascribes marital failure to a husband’s unwillingness to be influenced by his wife (see the last point here), but women need to allow his influence, also – it’s part of submission. Being OPEN to our husbands.  At the end of the day, they are held “responsible” by God. So No, don’t follow them into sin (check the death of Sepphira in Acts and remember Acts 5:29) and Yes, “confront,” but it could look like a question, or a simple statement, “I know you love me (thanks Shaunti Feldhahn ((seriously read this one if you read nothing)), for all your boss research on men!!) and I am feeling hurt by our inability to connect on this issue…Can we (question that is positive oriented, like “focus on resolving this instead of what went wrong last time?” or, “talk through what we both need to happen over the holidays?” or “talk about how your work hours are effecting the family?” etc.).

So. Don’t stop respecting. 🙂 Regardless of how you are treated – love well, WHILE respecting.

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At any rate… we’re open for discussion again. 🙂 And the survey results will be up this week. Thank you SO MUCH for contributing! 🙂 Feel free to chime in about what you think of the above. Be sure to check Shaunti’s article. It’s awesome. 🙂

Love to you,

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In the meantime, and I know it can be a MEAN TIME, you might check out one or more of the following top-shared posts.

101 Ways to Love Your Wife (viral) More stats
101 Ways to Respect Your Husband (viral) More stats
How to Calm Down an Angry Husband
15 Ways to Show Disrespect to Your Husband…
Why Is Your Wife Unhappy?

Also, Boot Camp 2016 is open for registration. Raise the Bar! (the public speaking workshop) has just a few spots left, and we tend to fill up fast in the alumni tracks. If you feel led to be a Titus 2 woman using our unique discipleship method that leaves women forever changed, check it out. More info forthcoming in the next several weeks. Plus, it’s an awesome gift from your husband to you for the ministry God might be calling you to.

If you are booking retreat speakers, you can check openings  through the www.GreaterImpact.org website for more info. We typically book 12-18 months in advance.

/ Avoid Divorce

Why your marriage is a mess… and what to do about it #1

Why your marriage is a mess… and what to do about it #1

There’s probably a bazillion reasons why your marriage is a mess, but we’re going to start this week with a LONG and small segmented series on respect – one that will deepen our relationship with God, ourselves, and others to help you straighten things out.

And even if your marriage is NOT a mess – there’s stuff you need to know so you can help others. 🙂 

It’s what I call Minutia Momentum – and it’s based off a couple of proven (and Biblical) ideas. And it’s not going to make you a doormat.

First, understand what a “Minutia Moment” is by reading this. 

Then, get the skinny on Transforming Your Habits by subscribing to James Clear. He doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him, btw. He’s just a stinkin’ smart guy who understands how vitally important the tiny decisions we make every single day are.

We get freaked out when we think about the mess our marriage is in – and that freak out leads to behavior that actually makes things worse.  My marriage isn’t now nor has ever been PERFECT. It’s had plenty of messy moments, some that last a while. A LONG while. I admire my husband’s approach – it’s actually a bit better than most, and totally goes against our natural tendencies. He just focuses on one small thing at a time – and over time, those small things add up to lives CHANGED.

NOT focusing on the small daily positives (positive minutia moments) often creates more problems than are fixable. Check this for the top ten ways to destroy your marriage if you want to understand some of the Gottman Institute research behind that.

Too often when a man or woman starts making changes in their marriage after things have been bad for a long time – TLTL syndrome sets in…  “It’s too little, too late.” Both people need to understand that the minutia moments are the most important – if there aren’t many good ones, or if most is negative and not much effort is put into things, it’s unlikely the marriage will make it.

So we need to both give the small – and receive the small.

Because people are usually lousy skill-wise at something new – so we need to give ourselves and others TIME (and grace) for things to get easier and become more natural.

Ramping up the little positive things is often the best thing people can do. If your marriage is in a state where Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse are present, however, you need immediate triage. That starts with apology. And probably a Gottman counselor (85+% success rate with couples as compared to 20% traditional counseling. Spend the money. GO.)

We’re going to assume you don’t need triage, however. (If you do, leave a question in the sidebar and we’ll get to it in September). 

And stick with me to the end here, so you can chime in on how often you want the experience of what we’re about to start (although if you’ve been doing the dare journey with us, you’ve already started!)

So here’s what we’re going to do. James Clear talked about how adding just a little weight each day to his workout made it easy to have an end result weeks later that was actually a lot more weight – this works in relationships, too, and it’s part of the reason Daughters of Sarah and The Respect Dare book work.

We’re going to stop listening to our nature:

You know what I'm talking about. It's (1)And after that, we’re going to take small, consistent baby steps toward respecting God, ourselves, and others, and we’ll see our relationships start to change. 

Small, doable steps, done daily, over time – minutia moments + time = momentum.

So I’m going to toss out SMALL Minutia Moment sized dares for you – ones that will change your relationships if done consistently over time. They’re Biblically based. 🙂 Research supported. Legit.

I’m going to get started Wednesday morning this week – you can join me, and I’d encourage you to bring a friend or two as we have learned that peer pressure can be a good thing if it’s encouragement toward the right behavior.  

We are wired this way for a reason and we can use this social influence to our benefit if we will but seek out the influences that encourage us in the direction we want to go. We have seen the famous Asch Experiment repeated in multiple demographics and it always turns out the same – people will knowingly go with a crowd, even if the crowd is obviously wrong. 

Wise women surround themselves with people who have the same goals as they do.

In other words, if you want to turn your marriage around, stop hanging out with the women who are busy husband-bashing. Stop spending so much time with people who are divorced or having marriage issues and thinking about divorcing.

Surround yourself with STRONG WOMEN. Seriously – and I mean strong as in, “I’m not giving up on this, God means all this for good, and I’m going to do my best to bring glory to God no matter how long it takes or how hard it is.”

Not kidding.

Why? It literally can be as simple as: if you want to get divorced, hang out with divorced people. If you want to get fat, hang out with fat people. It’s called conformity.

It’s real.

 

We’re wired this way. Purposefully.

And we can use it to our benefit.

Frankly, my ego is a little damaged by how simple this is, but God knew what He was doing – we just need to listen and use it to our best interest. (His best interest for us!!) That’s why the Bible tells us to avoid angry people or we’ll become just like them.

Other people are CONTAGIOUS.

Their thoughts, their habits, their lifestyles, even the way they look… So be wise in who you pick for “besties.”

(And I’m not saying dump your friends when they hit a rough patch – everyone has them. I’m saying have 3 solid friends who will love you enough to tell you the truth regardless of what it is.)

If you are currently doing the new dare journey with us, you’ll see this fits right in and is intended to carry us through to the next thing. I know some of you are doing groups with that, and this should fit into your groups with just a little tweaking. Please forgive me for being inconsistent with it – long story short, there were things I didn’t know I didn’t know. But we’re moving forward now. 🙂 

So what do you think? How have you seen small things impact your relationships? Are there small things that are done or not done that over time have caused issues? What do you think about turning this direction as we keep working through the dare process?

And here’s one more big question – how often do you want to talk about this? Is 2-3 times a week too much?

Can’t wait to talk about these things with you this week! 🙂 Give me a little grace on the timing of my responses – have a deadline with my publisher… 🙂 (Can’t wait to tell you about it, too! 🙂 )

Love to you,

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If you are just joining us, these might be of interest, too:

Dare 6: Got friends?

Dare 5: Are you destroying yourself?

Dare 4: Where to Start When You are Wounded

Dare 3: Who do you think you are?

Dare 2: Identity

Dare 1: Expectations

If you got this as an email forward from a friend who cares about you and your family, know we’d love YOU to join us on this journey. You can join the journey, get marriage TIPS! articles, a free copy of my latest eBook to help with your marriage, and other marriage info here.  :) We promise not to share your email with anyone, ever. You’ll get just one or two TIPS! articles a week, plus a blog post as they come, usually 1-2 a week.

 

/ Biblical Womanhood

Married? Miss THIS and you miss a LOT…

Maybe you’ve got this little secret-to-helping-your-marriage gem down solid-style, but if you don’t, if you miss this, you miss a LOT.

Been here?

4:30pm.

Kids running through the house, chasing each other, squealing like pigs.

Dog barking. Phone ringing. Pot boiling.

And he’ll be home in an hour.

To this chaos.

The messy Now you are in.

Unless…

“Strength and dignity woman” (Wonder Woman-style) emerges to rescue “Crazy Mom.”

She doesn’t scream or yell at her young kids, because she wants them to listen to her without teaching them the only time to do that is when mom yells.

She steps in front of the racing little people, squats down to where they are (joining their Now), grabs one.

She  falls over, giggling with them.

Then…

…she whispers.

Suspenseful-style…

“I have a snack for you, but you have to super-stealth-style clean up all the toys on the floor. You have to do this without the bad guys hearing you – and you only have 14 minutes before the bomb goes off! Ready… super stealth quiet guys… go! 🙂 ”

Mother of boys, she’s got them inspired.

They lead the pack of 4 kids, two girls whispering excitedly behind the boys, gathering toys, putting away the pony castle with a sense of urgency.

“Good job!” she whispers as she sets the timer in the kitchen and finishes assembling the snack.

Oops. The pot on the stove.

No worries.

Knowing one day she’ll miss this Now she’s in, she chooses to see the blessing in the midst of the moment. She learns about happiness. And joy.

5:30pm.

Floor picked up, kids in the family room doing “book time” and loving it (because mom and dad resisted “easy” and “quick” by with-holding the screens), she finishes dinner.

His car hits the driveway an hour later, the snacked kids no longer “hangry,” the dogs start to bark with glee and she commands them, “Bed!” and they go lie down. Her husband walks in, the kids rally around him, shouting, “Daddy! Daddy!”

She smiles at him, steps out of the kitchen, wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him.

“I’m so glad you’re back!” she says, smiling again. “All done!” she tells the dogs.

Kids out of the way, the golden retrievers do their version of the “happy dance.”

Husband smiles. Kisses and hugs her back.

He sits down at the couch, takes off his shoes and socks. One of the dogs buries her nose in a sock, looking lovingly at him.

She knows he needs a few minutes of quiet, so she calls the kids to the kitchen and distributes the chores for setting the table.

They get busy.

The timer goes.

Dinner is ready. On the table.

“Come and eat, baby. How was your day?” she asks.

And so it goes…

small things = big things

when done consistently over time.

…

In the decade + years we’ve been ministering to wives, we come into contact with many husbands. I’ve personally asked more than a few how much the “greeting at the end of the  day” matters. Regardless of who is walking in the door, literally 100% of the men say it matters.

Most of them give me this LOOK and say something like, “Oh. Yeah, that matters. A lot.”

One pastor gave me the LOOK, and said, “It’s a HUGE deal – for most men. Like it counts for about 20% of how a man feels about his wife and his marriage.”

Wow.

When I was little, we used to cheer when my dad would come home from work – he liked everyone riled up, including the dogs. I’ve heard a bazillion variations on the theme, but it usually boils down to just a few similar things:

  1. Enthusiastically & intentionally notice him upon at the end of the day (whatever that looks like to him)
  2. Have things “under control” as much as possibly by planning ahead
  3. Give him a few moments to mentally shift gears and be in the Now with family
  4. Don’t dump a laundry list of complaints on him (or the kids! LOL) but be part of the peaceful environment
  5. Know it matters to him

What about you? What do you do? What does your husband like? Did you grow up with that? If you’re the one coming home, what do you do to connect?

Can’t wait to hear from you today! 🙂

Love to you,

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PS… I haven’t forgotten – if you want my response to the “submission = obey” post from last week, check the comments section on the post. 🙂 MANY thank you’s to the wise and well thought-out responses from you! 🙂

If you are interested, here’s a few of my favorites on the whole “submission” topic:

What scares you?

The secret of submission (my favorite)

All the fuss about submission

We’ll have more of the new dare journey this week, too. 🙂

If you’ve received this via email from a friend who cares about you and your marriage, know you can sign up on the sidebar. You’ll get a copy of the ebook, “101 Ways to Respect Your Husband” and tips for marriage from our Daughters of Sarah course.

Want more? Do the Respect Dare experience with an online group in the eCourse. 🙂