Dare 9
Connection Step 4:
God’s Gentle Truth
“She just doesn’t respect me at all. I get three words into starting a conversation with her, even after I’ve asked her if now a good time is to talk about something, and she interrupts me, starts arguing, and says something condescending. I can’t win.”
I asked him if he had tried to insert “The Break”—a method of creating a space in a conversation where a couple can take a few moments to go work the Connection Steps with God, then reconnect.
“I will say, ‘Hey, I love you, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.’ She then follows me around the house demanding we finish. I start to get angry, and then I say something mean because she’s just not listening.”
My client is dealing with a rough situation. He respectfully approached communication by asking if it was a good time for his wife. He then created a healthy boundary when she became emotional and began damaging the relationship. He is trying to do something helpful, but his wife isn’t having it. Maybe you are the one trying to create a space where you can go work through the Connection Steps, and your spouse insists on having the conversation now. What do you do?
Here’s a small suggestion. Take responsibility for the fact that you are emotional. Understand that it is hard for your spouse when you take a break from a conversation to gain emotional control. They may feel abandoned or rejected. What you can do in that situation is reassure them of your love for them, even give them a kiss, and say something like, “I respect and love you too much to inflict the ugliness that I feel right now onto you.”
The Bible tells us, “In your anger do not sin.” Many verses also tell us not to be harsh. Harsh communication is to be avoided. It is not something adults should participate in. So, how do we avoid being harsh in our speech and behavior? We allow the Lord to mature us through the Connection Steps.
Once we start becoming emotional, we need to be aware of what we are exactly feeling by naming and normalizing them. This can help reduce their intensity. Providing comfort also helps release calming hormones, putting our brain in a more open and receptive state. This allows us to come before the throne of God, to listen and receive His gentle truth!
Fourth Connection Step: Listen for a gentle truth from the Lord.
Listening for a gentle truth means that we can be calm enough to sit back, be objective, and allow the voice of God to present His perspective. We might have to ask Him, “God, what do you want me to know about this situation?” and then simply wait. It is amazing how our eyes will be opened to things we couldn’t otherwise have seen.
His Word teaches us to be persistent around these things, to knock, seek, ask— repeatedly, until we have immersed ourselves in unity with His voice. We need to hang in there with these emotions as we sort the gentle truth with Him.
This is a good thing because, as we grow and mature in our understanding of God, He births within us the emotional strength and fortitude to not only be there for others, but to sit with those who have a different perspective. We can then see where we may have contributed to the problem at hand without becoming defensive. We might even realize that our emotional reactions, or even outbursts, are connected to unresolved issues from our past that the Lord brings to mind.
Amazingly enough, if we ask God what He wants us to know, He will speak the gentle truth, His Truth, even the truth about ourselves. He will confirm this with His Word from the Bible—this is a very important step. The lies we believe from our past traumas, even those during our childhood, become filters that blur our current reality. The exciting thing about this is the simple but overwhelmingly profound declaration from Jesus when he said, “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32 ESV). You may not be instantly healed from future triggers and emotional responses, but you will gain a surprisingly new awareness that gives you tremendous power (the healing power of the Holy Spirit) to overcome your mistaken beliefs and empower you to make better choices in the future. It’s a transformation you will want more of.
Dare 9
This week, keep naming and normalizing those feelings, as you comfort yourself and listen for a gentle truth. Journal about what God reveals to you during these times.
Watch out for the temptation to “be done” after finishing the first two steps. We found that people often feel better after these two steps, so much so that they choose not to continue anymore. While it is awesome to feel better, the goal is to do better—to be better. Unfortunately, we have seen people repeating the ill behaviors and habits that got them into difficulty in the first place. Finishing The Connection Steps will help clear your path towards hearing more from God, allowing him to reign over your life. Eventually, you would be able to reveal the new you next time!
BOTTOM LINE
When we are calm enough to hear God, He will reveal a gentle truth to us.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- Has God ever revealed something to you that you didn’t see before?
- What hard situations has God brought you through that have developed your character?
- What do you sense Him saying to you about this Dare?
