Need a backbone?

Over the last two weeks, I have spoken to about 20 wives and a handful of husbands. ALL but ONE of them admits to “losing their cool” when emotional with their spouse.

Most of them know that is a HUGE negative to their marriage and kids.

And most either 1) say their spouse is a narcissist, or 2) justify their actions because (see #1)

Can I humbly, gently, ever-so-carefully and fueled-by-love offer up that I have seen a ton of these spousally diagnosed narcissists change their behavior when ONE of them starts actually implementing healthy boundaries? AND develops emotional control?

There are a few other things, but these two are essential.

Seriously, let’s stop justifying our own ugly and even sinful behavior and do something that’s actually useful to turn things around.

I’m not trying to shame anyone here, but I have always believed that we teach others how to treat us. And in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can take advantage of you without your permission.”

Problem is most people don’t know how boundaries work. Their “yes” isn’t a “yes” and their “no” isn’t a no – they are “maybes” …

And that doesn’t work. If you hold to a boundary 27 times and then get wishy washy or cave on time 28, well, you’ve just taught people to be persistent.

And they respect you less because you allowed it. You aren’t a person of your word. And yes, boundaries can change over time, but that’s not what I’m talking about here…

Worse yet if you are putting boundaries on others, those aren’t boundaries – that’s just being controlling.

If you are emotionally vomiting all over someone, they lose respect for you and your influence disappears. Plus, it’s the sin of harshness, even if you are hurting. No judgment, just saying there is a better way.

I made all these same mistakes, btw. In my parenting and my marriage – until the Lord showed me that His ways are higher than our ways and how to walk in them.

If you are actually ready to grow a backbone WHILE having the “teaching of kindness on your tongue” as a woman of strength & dignity, send me the message, “backbone,” and let’s have a discussion. I can tell you after about 20 minutes if we can help you and your marriage.

If you just want to complain about your husband and blame him for all of the issues, please pass up my offer. Look, I know you are hurting, but I can really only help those who want to move forward with solutions. I am a big fan of empathy, and I really DO understand how hard this is, but if you truly aren’t ready to ACT with integrity and be bold and different to turn things around for you and your kids, please save me the phone call.

This method isn’t easy.

It’s work.

And it’s something you have seen yet.

If not, know that doing nothing is also a choice.

So is doing more of the same stuff you’ve been doing that clearly isn’t working.

I’m praying for you, regardless.

And I honestly do hope I hear from you.

Let’s get to work. Coaching will get you from where you are to where you want to be sooner versus later.

Love to you,

Nina

When you are really ready to seriously face what your relationship looks like in 5 years if you do nothing now, send the message, “backbone,” to coachnina(at)greaterimpact.org and let’s get to work.