Dare 12

Got a Joyless Marriage? Here’s how to get some back!
Fight For Joy 

Covid created new spaces in many of our homes. Jean’s office finally migrated from the dining room to the small attic on the third floor. After climbing the stairs, she dumps a stack of paperwork on the desk, takes a sip of coffee, and starts opening the mail. One of the envelopes was addressed to her husband, estranged at that time. Though Jean had never opened his mail before, she got the sense that she should this time. After praying and receiving prompting from the Holy Spirit, she opens the top and reads the letter. It was an unpaid toll from the highway which had now accrued a penalty. She sensed the Holy Spirit nudging her to pay it for him.  

Finishing the task, Jean files the letter away without a word to her husband. He wouldn’t know about it until many months later, if at all. She doesn’t know this now, but these simple acts of kindness, offered without grumbling and complaining, go a long way in softening the rough edges of hard hearts who have gotten into the habit of returning evil for evil rather than good. She was thankful for her women’s Bible study group doing Shaunti Feldhahn’s Kindness Challenge. Even though her husband Paul was no longer living with her, she found many easy small ways to be kind to him.  

Over the years, Jean has read many books on marriage, desperate for answers to their many problems. An oft repeated sentiment is that the best marriages are made of two servants. Although she understood there would be times when one spouse would serve more due to illness, work demands, children’s needs and so on, she envisioned this sharing, this carrying of the equal load of love, much like the “unforced rhythms of grace” Jesus speaks of in Matthew 11 (The MSG), as each spouse takes their turn in acts of kindness. 

In her difficult marriage, this had not been the case. After the initial honeymoon phase, it seemed she had been left to take care of everything while her husband pursued other interests. Yes, he worked hard, but that was where he sought and found his pleasure, often neglecting birthdays, holidays, and just being absent for the day-to-day living of their lives. Jean had suffered many lonely years and had grown weary in doing good, ripping up the seeds along with the weeds before she reaped a harvest. Jean felt the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit urging her to begin doing small acts of service for her husband again. Only this time, rather than throwing her whole self into any task, she would pray first and discern what she was to do and when she was to do it. The thought made her smile, and she realized that serving this way would be fulfilling the Scripture to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). It was just as good for her soul as it was for her husband.  

Dare 12

Jean’s marriage is an all-too-common representation of the pattern many falls into. In the beginning of our relationship, we are full of joy, our capacity to handle struggle huge, we weather difficulty easily. Over time, the stresses of daily life become more frequent, and the man we married seems to have become a “creep,” and he might say the same about us. What has happened is simple, and the relationship experts, supported by an abundance of data, will tell you that our joy has become small. We lose the capacity for handling stress when we stop inputting joy into ourselves and the relationship. Dr. Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey share the Four Habits of Joy-Filled People, and they have books on joy-filled parenting and marriage. The bottom line is, in alignment with Dr. John Gottman’s research out of University of Washington, we need those twenty positive inputs for every negativity in order to have a healthy marriage. Knowing all of this, I am daring you to dig into kindness in four specific areas, starting with yourself, as you cannot pour out what you do not have within you. Marriages where we pour without filling leave us feeling empty, longing for more. Therefore, we need to start with ourselves and our relationship with the Lord. 

Over the next 40 days, I dare you to invest your energy daily into these four foundational elements of joy, based on the work of Warner and Coursey: 

1. Calm yourself. Take slow, deep breaths through your nose for at least 90 seconds when you feel stressed. Imagine yourself breathing in peace, and exhaling stress. Serotonin is released through prolonged nasal breathing which then lowers the level of the stress hormone, cortisol.  
2. Receive and give appreciation. Generate small moments of acknowledging the wonder around you by being fully present—inhaling the aroma of a cup of coffee or feeling the sun on your skin—having a deep gratitude to God for His creation and His grace in your life. Give yourself extra credit if you verbalize these things to the Lord or the people around you for their character or act of service. 
3. Tell a positive story. Create joy by positioning your communication from a spot of gratitude and joy. There is a significant difference between saying, “I got a new car, and it has three years left on the tires, and 100,000 miles remaining on the engine! It’s only eight years old!” and “I got a car, but it only has three years left on the tires and already has over 100,000 miles on it. Moreover, it lacks the cool electric features since it is an old car, eight years old to be exact.”  
4. Take captive the toxic thoughts. Become your best friend by being a positive cheerleader in your head instead of being the critic. Take those negative thoughts captive and tame them to the mind of Christ! 

We believe these are simple, small things that you can do to be kind to yourself. Your heart and mindset will change if you start here, and that positivity will then overflow to others.  

BOTTOM LINE 

When joy is lacking, everything becomes difficult. Cultivate joy by being calm, present, appreciative, positive, and kind to yourself, all with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. 

WHAT ABOUT YOU? 

1. If you can progress in the four actions mentioned above, what do you think would God do in your life as a result? 
2. Which of the four kindness and joy actions seem most challenging? How will you address and overcome these challenges? 
3. How do you want to reward yourself for the small moments of success with these actions? 
4. How will cultivating these four actions as habits change your life?

PS – maybe it’s time you took a forward step in your relationship to impact change. Hop into coaching at https://greaterimpactwives.org