20 years ago, next spring, on the first day I stood at a table at church taking signups for our first marriage class, I was verbally assaulted by a woman who was angry I wasn’t serving singles.

“I can’t believe you have the audacity to stand here and offer a marriage class! You are excluding single women!” she literally yelled this at me loud enough that other people turned and looked…

I suppose I was also excluding men as they weren’t invited either. The course was, Daughters of Sarah. For wives.

I was new at ministry, and I’d be lying if I didn’t confess as out of line as she was, my confidence was shaken. I remember all of it like it was yesterday. I felt like I was wrong somehow, even though I knew I was doing what God had called me to do.

And I cried about it later, ruminating unhealthfully about the interaction, instead of taking courage in Him.

In the moment, I felt sad my mere presence at that table hurt her enough to yell at me. I did handle it properly by validating her experience, apologizing and agreeing that a class for married women didn’t include single women, and shared that maybe God was calling HER into THAT ministry.

Stuff like this has happened multiple times to me, sometimes in public ways, over the last twenty years. It’s never fun.

Last week I had a public exchange with someone that made me so very sad.

God did comfort me in it, however, as my conviction wavered, and I went to Him, asking if I was doing what He wanted, how He wanted. A devotional I had already listened to that morning came on in my car when I started it.

Acts 4:13-21 played for no reason that made sense. Verse 18 stood out to me.

What are we going to do with these men?” they asked. “Everyone living in Jerusalem knows they have performed a notable sign, and we cannot deny it. ¹⁷ But to stop this thing from spreading any further among the people, we must warn them to speak no longer to anyone in this name.”

¹⁸ Then they called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. ¹⁹ But Peter and John replied, “Which is right in God’s eyes: to listen to you, or to him? You be the judges! ²⁰ As for us, we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.”

I listened super early in the morning that day and didn’t remember these verses were there.

Hearing it again confirmed some things He has been telling me for the last three weeks that I have finally acted upon.

He has called me to be bold. He has called me to speak up – to those He has called me to.

My challenges with that aren’t relevant but suffice it to say I have struggled with this – a lot. And now, I can’t help but share what He has done and what is possible. I can’t not speak about these opportunities for those He calls to them.

And at the same time, it is a tightrope and not one that doesn’t offend people. I contacted someone on my team and a good friend and let them know I needed prayer as I was getting the crap kicked out of me on Facebook. Other people messaged me support and apologies for my experience. I asked them to pray for the one I offended.

It wasn’t fun.

And it occurred to me that maybe I should have a “trigger warning” for those who I am not speaking to.

In an effort to help you avoid similar pain, I want you to know that if you think I’m talking to you about your decision to divorce, I’m not, and reading what I write might cause you pain. (I say, “might,” because I don’t want to inadvertently also hurt or offend those who have worked through their pain and might be offended at my insinuation that they haven’t (and yes, that IS also a thing…)

(And having said all that, for some of you who want to reconcile even tho you are divorced, working with divorced people IS a thing marriage healers do – Gottman and his people actually work with a lot of divorced couples where BOTH people regret their decision and want to reconcile – but just because they or I am open to that still doesn’t mean what I write is for YOU)

And now perhaps I sound wishy washy and like I am trying to appease all. What’s true is that it grieves me when I am misperceived and in that misperception cause offense or hurt for others.

I also realize it comes with the territory.

I made a comment on FB years ago about what I thought was a ridiculous amount of butter I was using to make Christmas cookies and got taken to task by someone who couldn’t afford butter for cookies in the country she lived in. I felt bad that me being me hurt her, but isn’t that how life is?

If I post about my 3-year-old granddaughter’s birthday party, will I offend those who can’t have children, or those who don’t have grandkids? If I post my gratitude and praise to God at overcoming my disability, or a photo of my dog, do I offend those who are still suffering or whose dog just died? If I post about finally owning a horse, will I hurt or offend those who want and don’t have one?

Well,

Maybe that’s kind of up to them, isn’t it? If they take what I write personally and make it about them in a negative way, yes, it will hurt or offend.

Or they could be glad for my joy after nearly 50 YEARS of riding other people’s horses I finally have my own… Maybe they could know my joy isn’t an arrow aimed at them, but maybe an opportunity for God to heal something within them that was brought to light?

With the hell divorce and a difficult marriage is, it makes sense that it would understandably potentially be difficult to read what I write and not feel something negative from it.

Or you could feel glad we are helping others avoid what you went through.

Maybe you would even pray for us and the work and the couples we serve.

This is one of the things I have been called to do, and no, it doesn’t apply to everyone, and no I can’t help everyone. I know when I can, however, and am honest about that.

Please don’t be offended at my desire to help those I can. This work and ministry itself are hard enough as it is.

Maybe please just don’t read what I write. If my encouragement to others offends or triggers you, maybe stop reading stuff that isn’t for you. Or if you do, ask a question instead of levying your pain at me with the assumption I’m judging you.

I’m not.

We need to talk about what we do for others for them to even know we exist and can help. That doesn’t mean I am speaking judgment over you.

That’s the enemy.

HE is the accuser. I trust you have done your best and followed God every step of the way. I’m not challenging you or your relationship with the Lord.

I really know from experience that no matter what I say or how I say it, I run the risk of hurting someone. I have even been told I “fat shame” because I encourage people to eat healthfully and exercise – even though those are things literally everyone would probably agree are good.

I hope this clears up a few things. Know I won’t take it personally if you don’t follow me anymore or if you unfriendly me entirely. If that’s what you need to do, I want you to do that and I won’t make it about me.

If you have seen me say stupid insensitive things like “you’ll go to hell if you divorce” or “you don’t believe God if you can’t stay married” or anything judgmental and directly critical instead of sharing my own experiences in an effort to reach those we can help, feel free to reach out. I’m open to the feedback and want to interact over mistakes like that.

AND… if you are still reading, if you DO want to change your marriage, yes, there is a process that helps that happen. No, it isn’t a common one, unfortunately. I wish that were different.

So yes, please read, or better yet, reach out to me PM style and we can explore possibilities.

And you may think you know what we do, and have done it, but that isn’t likely. It isn’t any of the books I have written, nor the online courses we do. Those are for people with what we consider more “minor” issues. They are pieces of a foundation for a healthy relationship.

Not triage for a mess.

If your marriage is in need of something major and you are ready to do the work to change it, I am talking to YOU. If you are operating as separate ships passing in the night, or have constant conflict, saying things and acting like someone you don’t even like or recognize any more, I’m talking to YOU.

If you are searching for hope because you don’t know what to do, let’s talk. I’ll let you know if I think we can help. Message me “hope” here or at coachnina(at) greaterimpact.org and we will get something on the calendar.

Love to you,

Nina