Dare 8
Connection Step 3:
Receive Comfort
Have you lost respect for your spouse?
Think about that for a minute. Have you demonstrated any of these?
- Needing to “be right”
- Discounting his opinion
- Eye-rolling
- Disgust towards him
- Interrupting
- Being impatient
- Hounding him when he doesn’t want to talk
- Annoyance
- Arguing instead of discussing
- Yelling at him
- Being unappreciative
- Criticizing him
- Complaining to him
- Taking what he provides for granted
- Judging his behavior
Do any of those ring a bell? I have felt them, and I am thankful those feelings and behaviors are, for the most part, gone.
You might not see the correlation to respecting someone else and generating their respect for you—but there is one. Today’s dare is a brutal awareness about this topic. Just know that I’m a changed person in this area, thankful beyond measure for the work the Lord has done in my heart.
The one who deserves the highest level of respect and honor is our Lord and King, Jesus Christ—the name above every name, whom God himself exalted to the highest place (Philippians 2:9). One of the ways that we can honor Jesus is by submitting our lives to Him, and that includes running to Him—allowing Him to take control of our situations, knowing that He allows the situation we are dealing with, in the first place, for a purpose. So, if we come to Him with gratitude for it, we honor Him. Jesus then brings comfort in the peace that surpasses all understanding.
Know also that boundaries are necessary if you want to be respected by someone else. We will cover those in a few weeks—after you’ve got a foundation that we can build upon.
One issue I have noticed with the first Respect Dare book is that it assumes the reader has established boundaries. It is more of a die-to-your-selfishness type of book, so bear that in mind if you are reading it.
First, allow me to apologize for the bluntness of our topic today.
Perhaps you feel like he does not deserve respect, but is respect something that is earned?
I get that. I used to feel the same way. We sometimes think, “I will treat you with respect when you act in a way that deserves it.” Here’s a brutal truth that kicked my tail: contrast that thought about showing respect when someone “deserves it” with being a respectful person yourself.
So, we must stop judging others and start treating everyone with respect—even your husband. Isn’t that what Christ did when He took upon Himself the scorn of all? Yet He was undeserving of all our disrespect and dishonor—for He was the sinless, blameless, spotless Lamb of God (1 Peter 1:19).
Don’t waste your energy feeling shame on this. It is a novel concept for most, and the world’s voice is quite loud. So, of course, you didn’t know! Jesus Himself did not condemn you!
The next question I usually hear when talking about this is, “Well don’t I deserve respect? How come it’s all about respecting him?”
Okay, so yes, you deserve respect—as much as he does.
Why? Because you are both precious to God—and that’s what respect is—treating others with awareness of how precious they are to God.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)
Why is it that in our culture, saying aloud we should be treating one person kindly or fairly immediately equates to treating another person unfairly? Like—why is it that when I say I appreciate country living, people already assume that I hate living in the city? And if I have empathy for men, that I somehow hate women? Black or white extremist thinking has seriously invaded our culture!
Maybe if people knew it was a symptom of mental illness they would stop.
I’m going to rabbit trail for a second because I believe what happens in the small communities eventually ends up in the culture as a whole. Hang in with me, it’s relevant. Family members have stopped respecting each other, and over time, this has bred a culture of disrespect in our neighborhoods, academic institutions, and businesses, ultimately in our country. (You don’t know what this means? Check Amish Mafia and what these guys are addressing. Culture has seriously changed in the last twenty years.) You may have seen how Bill Ackerman was in the middle of pointing out Title 9 violations and the discriminatory practices at Harvard (among other things) that have nothing to do with bringing the best people to positions, but rather, making race or gender status more important, ultimately resulting in a climate at Harvard where the culture is toxic for those who don’t align with the same beliefs. One doesn’t have to kick the ball far down the field to see what this will do to our country. To fail to bring the most qualified candidates into positions, regardless of age, race, sex, religion, disability, and to hire based on skin color, gender identity or sexual preferences (DEI is discriminatory in some situations) has little to nothing to do with actual skill, and over time, it lowers the organization’s capability and potential. The best candidate, regardless of their age, race, gender, etc., is what we should be looking for, in my opinion. As a former HR manager, that’s what we did when we hired people – looked for the BEST qualified candidate. I know if I need heart surgery, that’s what I’m going to look for also… think about it.
What does this have to do with your marriage? We can make a difference in the world by starting with how we treat those we should treat well, those in our family, starting with ourselves and the man we married.
To behave with disrespect towards another person is not a reflection of their character, but of ours. Our mistreatment of someone else communicates that we are disrespectful. Please know that it is disrespectful to yourself to raise your voice at your animals, children, an audience, employees, friends, siblings, or your spouse.
Yelling is a thing children do because they want their way as they still lack emotional control. Don’t be that way.
And can we please take the concept of “they don’t deserve respect” off the table? The last time I checked, we all, me included, “deserve” the fires of hell for our sins against God, but through Christ, we are washed clean. Accepted. Honored even.
Let’s look at the “Comfort” step of the Connection Steps. Here they all are again:
- Be in our Now by Noticing and Naming our own feelings
- Normalize those feelings
- Receive comfort from ourselves & God
- Listen for a gentle truth from the Lord
- Take responsibility for our part in the issue
- Make a Commitment to Act with Integrity
Third Connection Step: Receive comfort from ourselves & God.
But first, we need to acknowledge the “Comfort Step” in our Connection Steps, where we first give our cares and worries to God—with gratitude and then receive His comfort. This allows us to respect ourselves as worthy, precious, and valuable to God, allowing Him to bring comfort, as we allow ourselves to be comforted. It would also be great to receive comfort from those close to us, or even from our local canine companion. (I highly recommend Golden Retrievers—they have comfort down!)
Sitting with God after discussing your feelings and why they are normal creates an opportunity for Him to bring comfort to you. He will remind you of His great love for you. Handing Him your anxiety says that you honor His throne in your heart.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)
Dare 8
Today, choose to give your anxieties to the Lord, expressing gratitude for whatever it is He is about to do with the challenge that is causing you stress. Choose to receive His peace. Breathe deeply through your nose slowly any time you feel anxious or angry, and discuss these things with the Father, with thanksgiving. Rub your shoulders and biceps, starting at the top, working your way down for 90 seconds. Ask God to reveal what you are feeling, why that is normal, then let Him comfort you.
BOTTOM LINE
Treat all people with respect because you are a respectful person, not because they deserve it.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- What feelings bubble up as you consider unconditionally respecting those who do not deserve it, especially your husband?
- Take those feelings to the Lord, working through the Connection Steps, and receive His comfort around them. What do you sense Him telling you about this?
- What can you choose to do differently because of what God has revealed to you?
