Dare 40 & 41- When I read these dares, my heart sank. My story? Progress? Expectations? Growth? Please, dont make me laugh. I felt so defeated, so frustrated. I fail every day, every moment of every day. As for changes in my relationship- he’s still distant, depressed, uninvolved and resistant to anyone- me or God. As hard as I’ve tried not to have expectations, I did expect to see some improvement in our relationship, maybe a deepening, a softening, an occasional welcoming smile, a turning toward his wife and children… (the image of him going through the door to Arbys and letting it slam in my face behind him just the other day as we were traveling to see my family comes to mind.) I’m so disappointed, even angry at times. I don’t have a story.
Regardless, I put the book aside and prayed. Please show me my story, Lord. Show me where You have helped me grow. Show me how going through these dares has improved things. For 2 weeks, I let the book sit, untouched. I knew about the assignments, but felt I had absolutely nothing to write.
This morning as I was getting ready for the day and my husband gloomily walks in and out of the room, doesn’t say good morning back when I say it to him with a smile, and when he leaves for work without hugging me back, God spoke to me, I have chosen you. You are a missionary. What? No, I’m not. I’m a struggling, working mother with two children, a home thats falling apart around my ears, a husband who is so distant I’ve questioned whether even You could reach him, Lord- how can I be a missionary? But thats what I am, persecution included.
Some people are called to be missionaries. Some are born into it. And some wake up and find themselves living as missionaries 24/7, 365 days a year- and dont even realize it.
I now know I have the privilege and honor of being a missionary for the Lord every day of my life. I may be the only picture of Christ that my husband ever sees in his life. I may be the only evidence of His love to my husband. Does he deserve it? Of course not- but I didn’t deserve the love of God either. Did the Lord give up on me? Thankfully, no.
So I guess that is my story, my revelation through this book and these many challenging dares- that I am a living witness for Christ every moment of every day to my unbelieving husband, even with myself having so many personal weaknesses. It is so true that He chooses the imperfect, the weak, even the failing and frustrated. But, just like God didn’t give up on me and loves me even when I fail- even when I’m downright terrible and unloving, I choose to continue to walk in His grace and show His love to my husband. Do I still have expectations? Yes. Will I still experience frustration and sadness? Yes. Is my God big enough to handle this? Without any doubt, I can say YES.
I Peter 3:1b-2 “They may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.”
Thank you for sharing. It helps to know I am not alone. It is a heartbreaking struggle daily–his harsh word—his distance–his lack of any feelings for me whatsoever. I pray that God will bring me to that place. Past the wanting to run–to leave. To where I can trust and feel loved by a man again….maybe someday 🙂
I am so sorry for your suffering. It is so very hard. You are NOT alone. Please read, “Why Respect?” and “When it Doesn’t Work” in the resource tabs.
Love to you,
Elisha, sister, your words encourage me. I am not alone. You are not alone. Even when we feel so alone, so slammed by the doors in our faces, we still have our dear Lord and through Him we can be those missionaries on the home front. What a blessing your story is. Thank you for sharing.