Potential trigger … The ride home from couple’s counseling… if it wasn’t a positive, energizing discussion about the awesome that showed up in the session – if it was the all-too-common discouraging life-draining hopeless space of emptiness, anger, and loss…
If that’s relatable… I’d like to suggest a better way. You do NOT have to go through months of painful meetings digging into “what happened” and “what they did to you” to heal your marriage.
Instead, you CAN move FORWARD in a judgment-FREE zone.
That’s what coaching does. It’s NOT therapy.
Here is the thing – if you can’t let go of past grievances, need your spouse to “pay for what they have done to you,” well that’s you stuck in a victim seat – and you aren’t ready for coaching.
If you hang with me here, I’ll help you see a subtle difference.
Coaching deals with the NEXT “infraction” instead of being historical and trying to resolve things that already happened three weeks three months three years three decades ago – that does NOT often work – and the need to be understood in that space and work through it is just victim mindset.
Doing so will NOT help your marriage.
Can you accept that you did your best back then and that ship has sailed?
BUT, if you ARE stuck in blaming, that’s a space for therapy – something is broken within you and you aren’t ready for coaching. No judgment – I’ve been there, even now, I actually refer people to therapy when they can’t let go of a thing.
It’s needed.
It’s not your fault – there is a reason you can’t let go of that, and God already forgave everyone, so that reason needs to be sorted so you can forgive and move on.
The risk you run is ending up with a therapist who won’t help you see your own agency, take responsibility, and move forward differently. If you have a therapist that keeps you talking about your pain, know that is just deeply digging in those synaptic patterns – and you need a new therapist.
BUT…
WHEN you CAN own the fact that you also contributed to the situation (maybe needing to be able to stop lying that all was fine, when it wasn’t – or other things like the mean words you also said, even if they were a reaction, you did that – or other things… they are always there – can’t blame your spouse for you not having boundaries, even if you were doing your best and didn’t know how to have them!)
THEN… we can move forward.
Sometimes people don’t WANT to forgive or move forward because they think that means that gives the other person the right to keep hurting them.
That’s a lie.
Once you learn how to take responsibility for creating safety with the Lord for yourself and your relationship through boundaries, you won’t have that fear.
Or, you can keep waiting for the other person to own their piece, change consistently, and be what you think you want/need right now, but that seems to not be the common way things happen – seems like God wants us to level up to our circumstances, not wait for the circumstances to be easier…
If you are ready to stop blaming, take ownership, and learn NEW ways of handling issues – even ones that have happened a bunch – if your marriage is important enough for you to be humble enough to try something new, make an investment, and put in time doing the right things for the current situation (many people think they’ve “done all that” – when they’ve done what should work in a healthy situation, but it’s the wrong thing at the wrong time) then email me “change,” let me know what’s going on, and let’s have a conversation about whether we can help.
We don’t work with everyone, and if we decide we are a good fit for you and your spouse, I want to get you in before we raise tuition May 1.
Praying for you already!
Love to you,
Nina
PS – if you want to get started NOW – take our marriage assessment at https://greaterimpactcouples.org
