Dare 6
Connection Step 1:
Name Our Own Feelings 

Leaving the restaurant after a beautiful meal and a generally excellent experience, I stopped at the welcome stand because the manager and the assistant manager, both women, were there. 

“I want to thank you for the lovely job you did tonight. My friend has serious food allergies, and we’ve eaten out many times at many places. It can be stressful. You all put food allergies at the top of your attention, had many gluten-free options, and were truly considerate of her physical condition. Home run. Your stopping by the table to reassure her of the kitchen’s concern for her safety, was huge. And the food and service were amazing. I was wondering if you are open to a piece of feedback that tainted this experience a little for me?” 

The manager smiled and replied, “Of course! And thank you so much!” 

“We just came back from the rest rooms. There are no signs on the doors. And honestly, the little red and green ‘occupied’ signs are a bit reminiscent of a porta-potty or an airplane bathroom, which doesn’t seem fit for the elegance of this restaurant. It took a moment for me to discern they were unisex. So, my friend went into an empty one while I waited, as all the little signs said ‘occupied.’ When a door opened and a man walked out, I literally thought to myself, ‘umm… no, thanks.’ And yes, that might make me seem sexist, but I don’t want to put the seat down; I don’t want to touch something potentially peed on. I waited, and when the next door opened, it was a woman, so I went in after her.” 

At this point, the assistant manager rolls her eyes, interrupts me, and says, “We clean those bathrooms every 30 minutes. They are fine to always use.” 

I smiled and said warmly, “As a customer, number one, I don’t know that. Number two, you aren’t cleaning it right after a man leaves the bathroom, and it is an ‘ew!’ experience for me, as a woman, to think about putting the seat down, touching a toilet, after I’ve had such a lovely meal. It’s where I’m at. The bathroom itself was super masculine, also, with hard to turn pipe fixtures instead of handles for the water. Anyway, you did such a good job with everything else, I thought you’d like to know how I felt about my bathroom experience.” 

She gave me a patronizing look, then stared at her manager, who gave me a business card and had at least enough savvy to smile and thank me for my feedback. 

In a day and age where we are so conflict avoidant that we are aligning with mental illness in a “the Emperor has no clothes” kind of way, the only way to bring sanity back to our culture, it seems, is to start a conflict. 

A side note on this whole gender-phenomenon—just because I think a thing about myself doesn’t make it true. I spent a few years being anorexic in high school. Should I have been given liposuction for the fat only I saw? Do some research. The countries that aligned with “gender affirming care” have backpedaled and have tons of regrets, undoing the so-called “progress” now that they see the suicide rate is not impacted by these life-altering surgeries. 

We are watching women’s sports being destroyed because wise female athletes are not interested in being injured, and sacred female spaces be gender neutralized and taken over by biological men with mental disorders. Even though laws have been enacted, some girls are still not safe and forced to undress in front of biological men in their locker rooms. We shall see where the lawsuits land.

The stakes are high for young women, even in Christian circles. Being able to speak up in culture matters as much as being able to speak up in your marriage. How we do that also matters. 

This leads us now to The Connection Steps. For nearly all of our clients, learning this method is worth the journey and even called a “Game Changer.” I pray you stick around for this life-changing challenge.  I have confidence in saying this because God is indeed responsible for the changes that you will witness in your own life. I personally just said yes to the things He revealed, and I have watched Him level-up many others while saving marriages in the process. I cannot not share! 

Here is how this applies to your marriage. 

In the situation above, I spoke with women, so I used affirmation and complaint to communicate. 

Had either of them been male, I would have spoken with regards to “provision,” as men are motivated to provide something specific when it is mentioned. They may interpret the complaint and not come back with what the woman wants. I would also ask permission to share something negative and cushioned more because that is respectful. So, had I been speaking to a man, I would have said the following instead: 

“I really enjoyed literally everything about the dinner, the service, and the way you care for people with food issues. Seriously the best dining experience in the city for people like my friend. You made her feel seen and heard, and not a burden. But can I just mention something that bothered me? (wait for the head nod) I didn’t like the bathroom experience. As a woman, no offense, but I wouldn’t follow a man into what turned out to be a really masculine space, wondering if I am going to have to touch a toilet seat after such a beautiful dining experience. I’d like it if you would please provide women with separate bathrooms, so I don’t have to think about something unpleasant after the elegant positive experience I just had. If it’s not too much trouble, I’d also like the faucets to be easier for my arthritic hands to turn and not be masculine pipe valves. I might come back if that occurred.” 

That might seem rather small of a change—and if you are a woman reading this, know that your brain is wired to make the abstract connections occur easily. Men are just as intelligent but if we want something specific, we need to respectfully spell it out, rather than leave them guessing as to what we want. Our brains are different. Men are naturally more aggressive than women, and so they will more easily get defensive. While we want to be clear, concise, and direct, we also want to be extra gentle to communicate a lack of aggression on our end. 

What is also true is that at that moment, I was not at all emotional. It was quite easy for me to have a kind and gentle tone, even when the assistant manager rolled her eyes at me. The reason for that was simply this—I know who I am, and I believe that what is at stake is important. I am also not a victim, but I view myself as someone who needs to step into leadership in this space. My heart was also in a place of truly wanting to help this restaurant succeed as they had otherwise done so well. 

You may wonder—how did I get to that point of gentleness in my speech and demeanor?  

That was not how I used to be. It all started with learning what we refer to as The Connection Steps. We believe that these steps create connection with God, ourselves, and others. They help us master emotions and deepen our awareness of what is occurring right now. 

It is very simple—whatever we pay attention to grows.  Think about the last time someone you love angrily complained to you about a thing you were doing. Think about the negativity that brought up in you—the distance it created between you and the person. 

Chances are that you reacted instead of responding to that complaint and their anger, right? 

And then the conflict escalated. 

The point here is we all have emotions. The problem comes when we think our emotions are telling us a truth we need to act on. Instead, we need to look at our emotions as cues to something that needs to be looked at. Odds are, we are feeling something from a different interaction, likely long ago, when we were hurt, and the situation was not resolved properly. 

What we resist persists. If we don’t interact with those emotions, they are still there and finally someone says or does something and we “lose it”—with words that injure and harm our relationships. 

Grownups are not supposed to act like this. Think about how a toddler throws a temper tantrum. That is essentially what you are participating in, and it needs to stop. Here are the reasons to put an end to these behaviors: 

1. Strong, dignified women can handle other people’s emotions without being offended—this is biblical, by the way). 

1. Men are put off by emotionality—they often feel disrespected by their wives when they act like this, even if it isn’t directed at them. 

1. We disrespect ourselves when we lose emotional control. 

1. Children are harmed by emotional outbursts and badly managed conflict at home. 

1. Being able to execute high-level communication skills requires access to executive function in the brain, which is not possible when flooded with cortisol, the stress hormone, which usually shows up during emotional outbursts. 

1. You are modeling the opposite of God’s love for His children to your kids, and they will pick up what you do, rather than what you say. 

If your relationship is a mess or it needs a serious tune-up, odds are good that you have contributed to the problem because of your lack of emotional control. When we have mastery over our emotions, we can recognize our role in shaping our relationships. Acknowledging our contributions will allow us to take responsibility, own our contributions, and start making positive changes. The Connection Steps will help you tap into the Holy Spirit within you and bring forth the identity you long for. 

The time will come that when you interact with your spouse, you will be more like a friend—someone fun, someone enjoyable to spend time with—and they will want more of that. You also could set boundaries for your own behaviors and responses in ways that create the positive outcomes that you want. You would be solving problems together instead of trying to win arguments. Both of you would become true partners to each other as God envisions your marriage to be.  

While each of us may have our own ways and means to be better in our relationships, additional coaching could be one of your best places that is worth exploring, and this is what this book aims to do for you. 

Here are the testimonies of some who have gone through the Connection Steps: 

 

When I use the Connection Steps, I see fewer arguments/fights in my marriage, my self-esteem does not tank as much as when I receive a “negative” comment (whether by my spouse, a friend, or stranger). I am more self-aware. The Connection Steps draw me closer to God as I have to step back and listen to the truth.​ – Leann 

 

The Connection Steps have helped me to stop beating myself up. I’ve started noticing that my new inner dialogue sounds like a friend, not an enemy. This has cut down on the personal meltdowns I would experience.​ – Paula 

 

They have informed my everything: I’ve discovered my triggers, my unmet expectations, my desperate need for Christ, my prayers and prayer time are more directed and meaningful. I feel the Holy Spirit providing His fruit and—if I let Him—He overflows them within me so I can pour out to others in the final Connection Steps. – George 

 

Here are The Connection Steps: 

1. Be in our Now by Noticing and Naming our own feelings 

1. Normalize those feelings 

1. Receive comfort from ourselves & God 

1. Listen for a gentle truth from the Lord 

1. Take responsibility for our part in the issue 

1. Make a Commitment to Act with Integrity
    

Studies by Dr.’s Neff, Kappen, Karremans, Burk, and Buyukcan-Tetik, and many others show that the above processes increase marital satisfaction, decrease self-criticism, reduce anxiety, increase motivation, and deepen romantic connection. The principles also apply to parent-child connection within families. I know you want those things in your life, too. 

First Connection Step: Be in our Now by Noticing and Naming our own feelings 

This first step is creating awareness of and entering into an exploration of your feelings on a daily basis, multiple times a day, at the first sign of any feeling, no matter how small. First, I’m going to ask you not to do anything yet. Please resist the temptation to judge yourself or to challenge your person. Simply immerse yourself in an awareness of how you are feeling in the moment. Use “I-language” and avoid using the words, “he/she,” or your person’s name. Here’s why—this part of The Connection Steps process helps you to be mindful about your own feelings so that you would be able to engage in difficult discussions or with emotional people in a new, more effective way. Over time, this process will help you remain objective. 

If you complain or blame, or focus on the other person’s behavior, you will only be interrupting the process. That’s probably what you’re already doing (been there, no judgment) and it doesn’t work, right? 

So, let’s stop that. 

Dare 6 

As you go through this week, I dare you to pay attention to your feelings in the same way an observer of a play would watch the stage. Name these feelings (good and bad) using “I-language,” speaking about your internal experience, not about what is going on around you and without judging yourself or others. Try to capture as many good and bad feelings as you can this week and explore and elaborate in your journal about the feelings that might be “underneath” the feelings you name. Sometimes, we know we feel a certain way, and when we think about it, we discover that there is a bigger emotion underneath it. Anger, for example, is called the “secondary emotion,” as it always has something underneath it like embarrassment, fear, discouragement, loss, etc. You don’t know what you are feeling? Ask God. I double dog dare you to start this process! 

BOTTOM LINE 

Our feelings are cues to something we need to explore, not indicators of reality. Explore your feelings with God and you’ll become more self-aware. 

WHAT ABOUT YOU? 

1. What stood out to you today about this topic? 

1. What feelings do you tend to avoid? 

1. Do you typically suppress your feelings or “emotionally vomit” them onto others, or both? How has this affected your relationships? 

1. What do you sense God is saying to you today about this topic? 

 Love to you,

Nina

PS – if you made it this far, you ARE committed to growth! Want to level up your marriage? We’re starting the last run of our Marriage Intensive in April at the current rate – tuition increases May 1. Email me at coachnina (@) greaterimpact.org and let’s see if you qualify.