This one. Brutal. 🙂
Dare 5
Keeping The Peace
The first time Carol heard the message on “words” was a sermon on YouTube. The pastor said the problem in relationships is we cry out for Jesus to help us, get on our knees in spiritual warfare, then let the enemy use our mouths as a landing strip for his airplanes to drop and detonate bombs on those in our midst. Ouch.
As Carol pondered all that God was saying to her recently about the power of her words, she remembered the many times her husband didn’t listen to her, even about the simplest things, let alone deep topics. He often had his eyes on his phone and would even take calls in the middle of their conversations. She would either retreat into herself or lash out in frustration and hurt or, worst of all, she would pretend it was okay, planting that fake, submissive, good wife mask on her face. With a sudden realization she understood this was lying. She was lying to herself and to her husband and disrespecting them both in the process. No wonder she was so angry.
God is Truth. Satan is the father of lies. By lying to “keep the peace at any price,” she had unintentionally given the enemy a foothold. Carol knew her husband had areas where he needed work, too. She had to be careful not to take all the responsibility. That was another area of lying God was showing her.
Standing on the bridge with Phillip, watching the rivulet gently wash over the rocks, Carol committed herself to speaking only truth. She would speak with love and respect, to herself and to her husband. In the moments when her emotions got the better of her, she would remove herself from the conversation and talk to God. Standing in truth, she felt hope for the first time in a long time. Phillip was right, she had light for her home, and she had a better idea of how to share it.
Dare 5
For the rest of this dare, and hopefully your life, stop lying to yourself and others. You don’t need it, but you can give yourself permission to buy time when you feel pressured to respond untruthfully. “I need to pray about that,” “I am not sure what I think just yet, I’ll let you know,” “My heart is a full on YES to that, but my capacity is unfortunately a NOT NOW,” are some phrases in the What to Say Department that can help.
Modern Christian Psychologist and author, Dr. Jordan Peterson, teaches us that whatever happens because of telling the truth is usually the best thing that can happen, even if it doesn’t look to us like it went well at the time. Stop measuring “good” by outcomes! If you are following God, He is responsible for the results, not us. We have seen this play out time and time again since I started coaching people in the early 90’s. I see women struggle with this concept quite a bit. Cross-culturally, results of one of the most valid and reliable personality tests, the Big Five Personality Index, shows that women, on average, are statistically more agreeable than men. We are wired this way because we inherently know that conflict is bad for infants, and so we are wired for relationships. This also unfortunately means that women (or others with low identity) will often be tempted to water down, alter, or otherwise hedge at the truth, due to the agreeableness of our nature, unless we are backed into a corner or dealing with anger or resentfulness. The result for you and me, however, of presenting a mask to keep the peace at any price is a deep type of self-betrayal that undermines our identity.
We learn that we can’t even trust ourselves to protect ourselves, so our identity becomes fluid, easily influenced by others, instead of being rooted and firmly established in God’s Word and His opinion of us.
When we present a mask instead of our true self, we lower our own sense of confidence. We essentially lose the ability to trust that we can take care of and protect ourselves. This may lead to anxiety and fear gradually working their way into our hearts. When our sense of identity is compromised, our feeling of safety is threatened as well. Consequently, this cycle tends to intensify, possibly leading to depression and feelings of hopelessness. It seems like a cruel joke that in our effort to make things better, we inadvertently make them worse. When truth is brought into the picture, things change. I have witnessed marriages turn around when one or both spouses lay their truth on the table—even when it is an ugly truth like, “I don’t feel love or even kindness for you anymore, and I am sick to death of living with you.” (not that I’m recommending these words, by the way). Pretending delays progress, as lies are like a layer of dead wood and weeds that have to be picked up and pulled out before we can even get to the fertile soil and begin tilling to heal the relationship. Counselling or coaching frequently yields nothing until we can work with the truth.
Now that we’re all feeling discouraged, let’s bring in hope! There is a way past this—towards joy and confidence. We know how the brain works. We know what it takes to set our identity on solid ground. We know how to bring forth confidence from this place of discouragement and lack of hope.
It is a simple action, though not as easy as it sounds—we must stop lying.
Some would say, “tell the truth,” but the problem with that is that we all have our own version of truth, and we aren’t ever quite sure what “the” truth is—only God can fully know that. Moreover, if we are not mature emotionally, our emotions would most likely influence our perception of truth.
Choosing to stop lying also means choosing the consequence of that truth. It is far better to honestly express what you are feeling or thinking, instead of playing the game of trying to appear as others expect you to. That deception heralds from the enemy’s playground.
So, stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. (Ephesians 4:25 NLT)
And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32 NLT)
“But I’ll just cause conflict, right?” is a likely thought floating around in many reader minds, I’m guessing. So here is what is also true—and it may be useful to understand something else that is very important: the way you share what is true matters. First, stop lying to yourself and others. Start there. Second, learn to speak the language of respect which will help you deliver uncomfortable truths to others in a way that lessens the chances of conflict in your relationships. This book will help you navigate the big aspects of self-respect and respecting others.
BOTTOM LINE
The truth will set you free.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Where do you struggle most with telling the truth? Why?
As you look at your marriage, does it seem based primarily on truth or lies? A good litmus test would be the question, “Does my husband know me, or know how I feel about the most important things in our relationship?”
What fears do you have about telling your truth? (It is normal, by the way!)
What do you think God will do to honor your progress in this area?
PS… if you are ready to consider Now being the time your marriage actually changes, email me “hope” at Coachnina (at) greaterimpact.org – we are starting another round of the Marriage Intensive and I’m screening couples. Maybe THIS is the year YOUR marriage changes in 6 months!
