“Lauri, I work all day. The last thing I want to do is watch some guy and his wife tell me how to run my life. You want to watch that stuff, fine. But I don’t. Try having dinner ready for a change.”

Some days, Lauri would lose the whole afternoon in sorrow. She never neglects the baby, but often, the house isn’t as clean as it could be, and meals get thrown together at the last minute. She and John had agreed for this season that she would be home with the kids and look after the house while John works. He doesn’t pressure her about anything else. She even has time to pursue her painting hobby and works a few hours for an online business. But she hasn’t been doing much painting lately. During her baby’s nap time, and even during some of his awake time, she would scroll the internet for solutions to her lonely marriage. When John arrives home, rather than having created a peaceful and welcoming atmosphere, Lauri would often feel frustrated, running about trying to do everything at the last minute. Then, she would begin venting out her frustrations to him, criticizing him, and this would usually erupt into a fight or end up with him skulking off to another room.

One afternoon, Lauri sits down to scroll as usual, but it turns out, like the sleeping baby, the internet was down. She checks her phone and sees it’s going to last a while, so she’ll have to use data.

She sighs.

She was nearly out of data for the month.

What now?

She feels the quiet nudge of the Holy Spirit, an invitation to spend some time together… “I do spend time with You, God,” she says aloud. “What are you trying to say?”

The words, spoken into her heart, were so sweet, like a gentle breeze beckoning her to some lovely hideaway.

She finds her Bible and spends the next hour reading and praying. After some time, she looks around the house. Charged with a renewed energy, she goes to the kitchen and fills the crockpot with ingredients for dinner.

John comes home that night to an inviting aroma of dinner wafting out from the kitchen. For the first time in a long while, the house feels different. Rather than going to another room, he comes into the living room where Lauri was playing with the baby. The three of them spend the evening laughing and chatting. Everything feels warm. Later, John bathes the baby so Lauri could shower and get ready for bed before he joins her.

It is not politically correct to suggest women take care of their kids, or their homes. Yet, at the same time, we are bombarded with social media images demanding perfect decorating, perfect meals, and well-groomed children lined up wearing pastel suits and dresses with not a hair out of place.

Simultaneously, the media depict women would do well if they were to work outside the home full-time, have all the things in place, and deeply connect with the kids and spouse.

Impossible.

This is best exemplified by former Pepsico CEO, Indra Nooyi, in an article in Quartz magazine written by Max Nisen in 2014 who says,

Later in the article she also says,

Our culture does a good job of shaming women into a mindset of dissatisfaction regardless of their circumstances. However, God’s ways are different. He wants us to have joy and be women of strength and dignity regardless of our circumstances.

If we travel back to the Garden of Eden, we would see a place filled with beauty, nakedness, and a complete lack of shame. Our social media accounts are fodder for judging others and ourselves. The world has lost its collective mind so much that in some spaces, it is politically incorrect to refer to women as women. Some politicians even avoid defining the word, “woman,” because they would be caught in their folly in their rejection of its natural and biological meaning. At the time of this writing, we are struggling to hold onto our hard-earned place in women’s sports and seats at the political tables. I’m curious as to how our daughters are going to navigate the world if they must be referred to as “birthing persons” or “people who menstruate.” There is a universally connecting right of passage in being a sore-breasted 12-year-old, nauseous from the first ibuprofen for the cramps, one whose pad’s overflowed and she has to humble herself by asking a friend, school nurse, teacher, or worse yet, her dad or older brother, for help in an embarrassing situation. This is a topic worthy of another full book, but one thing I have noticed in my half century plus of walking the earth is that while things seem crazy around the roles of women, we are also simultaneously living in a time (and have been for many years) where women can, for the most part, choose their own path.

What is also true, and I mean this with every fiber of my being, no matter what path you choose, there will be opposition to it!

And the path of “having it all” will work for women who are willing to sacrifice family, relationships, or status, because it is impossible to do it all and do it all well.

In 1995, I gave birth to my first child. Having worked hard to earn a master’s degree and having spent over a decade already in the workforce, I had no intentions of leaving corporate America to hang out with some boring baby all day. I truly had no idea what I was getting into. In looking back, I am so thankful to God for the wisdom He gave me through friends and family and our church. I scoured the child development research available. _How many hours a week could I be away from the baby without damaging him?_ Some would say, potentially rightfully so, that this was the wrong question. I didn’t know any better. However, and it was the question I had.

I learned at that time that 15-20 hours a week was the maximum number of hours babies should be away from mom and still be able to bond healthfully and thrive. Months later, when I gave birth to my son, I didn’t expect to struggle with working part time. My heart ripped in half three days a week leaving him at the baby-sitter. I didn’t know that we had already bonded, especially that he had bonded with me, and that my absence would matter so much to him.

After going back to work three days a week, I noticed after a few weeks that it became easier to leave him. Not for him, but for me. It was easier for me. My pediatrician friend told me I was losing the bonding hormones. All would probably be fine, but that’s “all” it was.

Mortified, I quit my job shortly after that. I wanted all what God had for me of motherhood. The thought of losing a part of that to work was simply not an option.

For me, spending the money to have someone else (who I didn’t even know very well) raise my child so I could work 20 hours a week just wasn’t worth it. We had always lived on just my husband’s income, and so we decided that I would work part-time doing training (usually evening classes) and raise our son. We lived beneath our means and brought two more children into the picture, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I will also say that I surrounded myself with people who were also doing the frugal mom gig. Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS®) became a lifeline and means of sanity. Weekly Bible study group and my weekly night out of conducting training kept me sane. With all my kids now adults, I can honestly say it was an investment in relationships I wouldn’t trade for anything.

We have a saying at the Roesners, “To compare is to despair.” There will always be someone who has more, better, nicer, cooler, etc., aesthetics, people, or possessions. There will always be someone who has less than we have. God has given us all a life to live, hopefully children to raise, and families to create. No one dies wishing they had spent more time at the office.

Back in the Garden of Eden, prior to the fall of man, there was no shame because there was no judgment. What resulted from the first sin of rebellion was the realization of guilt, as the first man responded to God in Genesis 3:10, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid (NIV). Like Adam, we judge ourselves because of our shame and hide.

Let’s stop doing that.

Leaving judgment behind may require a cessation of social media scrolling. I assure you, it is worth it. Given how bad social media is for our memory and mental health, instead of trying to keep up with staged versions of others, let us move into the Kingdom of Heaven that is right here, right now, always right in front of us. That was and still is, Jesus’ message to us:

“Repent,” however, doesn’t mean the old-time notion of flogging oneself to earn or pay for God’s blessing. It simply means this—change your thinking. What would that be like, to change our thinking about our reality? What if Lauri, in the story above, like many wives we have walked with, could find better thoughts (Kingdom of Heaven ones) and allow God to bring forth the best in her, her husband, and her child?

Compared to a single mom stuck working two jobs to make ends meet and have health care for herself and her kids, Lauri’s life looks like a dream. What Lauri misses is boundaries, healthy communication skills, and most of all, a solid identity in Christ. That is the journey this book will take you on, if you let it.

For now, let’s begin the work around changing our thinking.

Know also, as we journey, that there is no judgment HERE. I don’t judge you or the choices you’ve made already, or the ones you will make in the future. I hope you’ll do the same with me! Jesus Himself didn’t judge us. He came to share the Father’s love with you, as do I. To fully receive it, however, we have to change our thinking. You have entered the judgment-free zone.

Social media, games, shopping, or news may not be addictions for you, but there may be better ways to spend your time.

DARE 3

Turn off all of your notifications on your cell phone with the exception of your calendar, or texting, if you have aging parents or school kids that may need you in case of an emergency.

Daily, look at the number of hours or (hopefully) minutes you spend on your phone and what you are doing. Bring this time before the Lord and ask Him to lead how you spend your time. He may ask you to sacrifice all of it. He may suggest 15 minutes a day only. Listen to Him and do whatever it is He brings to you.

Do this for the remainder of the Dare, in hopes of creating a habit of choosing to serve God with your time wisely, daily.

BOTTOM LINE

To compare is to despair.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Take a few moments to journal your responses to these questions:

1.Who or what is your “identity source,” meaning, who or what tells you how to dress, how to do family life how your husband should behave, how to decorate your home, whether you should work or not or how much work you should do, if ever, or what your value is?

2.If you never looked at what other people were doing, and never posted another photo on a social media platform, what would matter to you most about your life, your home, your work, your marriage, or your other relationships?

3.What have you sacrificed to please other people? What have the sacrifices cost you?

4.What do you sense God is saying to you through this dare?