Dare 2
Planted In Childhood
Ten-year-old Jennifer gets off the bus and jumps into the snow drift at the end of her street. Tiny flakes float from the grey sky, tickling her face as she dances along the sidewalk on her way home. She looks around and sees white crystals lacing the door wreaths, putting a smile on her face as she anticipates her school closing early this season due to the snow. The Christmas holidays are finally here!
Sliding the back door open, Jennifer slips off her boots and makes her way down the hall to her room for a quick change of clothes. She wants to watch a movie while she waits for her parents to come home from work so they can have dinner together. Reaching the middle of the hallway, she stops abruptly, alarmed. Strange sounds seem to come from her parents’ bedroom. Has someone broken into the house? Is that her mom’s voice? Opening the door a tiny sliver, she peeks in. Wait! Her mom is in bed with a man who is not her dad. Shock and confusion quickly sets in. For some reason, she feels the need to hide herself. They cannot know that she saw them. She has to get out, fast!
Not bothering to close the door, she tip-toes back down the hallway, her heart pounding loudly in her chest. She feels like crying but couldn’t. She grabs her boots and backpack, and hurries out into the cold afternoon, gasping for breath. Some tiny flakes land on her cheeks, forming white crystals on her wet cheeks. After spending hours shivering in the woods, alone and frightened, she notices the fading light as the sun bids goodbye. Mustering the courage to go home, she wearily heads back. Her mom was gone.
It wasn’t until years later, after many more incidents of adultery, that Jennifer finally summons the courage and conviction to tell her dad what she had seen that day. He whispered:
“I love your mom, Jennifer. I know she’s been with other men, but I’d never leave her. Let’s keep this between us.”
Nothing was ever said again.
It is common to provide excuses or levy judgment against our parents for their decisions during our upbringing. Jennifer had a multitude of potential effects to choose from—she could repeat her mother’s behaviors, try to make up for them by “over-serving” her father or husband, or maybe have an immense compassion for her mother, blaming her dad. She could even judge her own husband as untrustworthy based on her childhood experience. These are just a few possibilities.
Can you relate? Your family may not have exposed you to the grief of an affair, but perhaps other relationship-damaging behaviors occurred. Maybe, your dad was a workaholic and was never home, or your mom was seriously distracted and not available for you during your teen years that you struggled alone. Maybe, one or both of your parents had tempers that you learned to walk on eggshells to avoid the verbal violence. Maybe, there was abuse… Maybe these things happened with a sibling or neighbor kid. Know that my heart just hurts for you if that is the case. No child should endure the diminishing and demoralizing effects of physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual abuse. Please know that if we ever meet in person, I will cry with you over the pain you have suffered.
Regardless of your upbringing and the lingering scars it left, it is not my place to judge or criticize your parents, nor am I here to judge or criticize how you have been living your life suffering from the scars of your past. I genuinely believe that your parents were doing their best (even if their best seriously stunk!), and that they chose the path they deemed best back then, even if their actions may have been hurtful to you at that time. We know the enemy of our souls has seriously messed with you (and them), and we believe you can break free of the shackles of the past, whether it is anger, fear, people-pleasing, or literally anything lingering, given that our God is in you and greater than he who is against you.
Dare 2
Sit with the Lord for a few minutes. Calm your spirit before Him and invite Him to show you the Truth. Lord, what patterns in my current relationships are here because of my upbringing? Lord, what do I really believe about myself, You, or others that is simply not what You have said about who I am in the Bible? In Jesus’ Name. Amen and Amen.
If you look, you can probably see patterns repeated from your parents’ marriage and see connections between those patterns and what you really believe deep down, regardless of what the Bible says you should think. Many of the adults I work with think they are unworthy, unlovable or unwanted. Is that you? Know that God has His Truth, which I believe is THE TRUTH, and these are just a few of the things He says about you:
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV)
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13-14 NIV)
Confess your false beliefs about yourself to God, asking Him to heal you of them. Know that He wants you to align with what He has to say about you and not the enemy!
BOTTOM LINE
What you really believe about yourself, God, and others will impact your relationships.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Take a few moments to journal your responses to these questions:
- What patterns in your parents’ behaviors did you see growing up?
- How have those patterns impacted what you really believe about yourself, God, and others?
- How have those beliefs shown up in your own behaviors as an adult?
- How does the concept of “following God by believing Him,” instead of “following the enemy by believing lies,” sit with you?
Love to you,
Nina
PS. Want to grow in your ability to have boundaries and heal from past wounds? Join us in the eCourse and Coaching! https://greaterimpactwives.org
