When I would go group camping, with no expectations of coffee in the morning, it was a delightful surprise when someone whips up the brew on a Coleman stove in a percolator. Pure joy, in fact.

What if I expect my spouse to make coffee and he doesn’t?

What if he says he wants to make it, knows how to do it, but just forgets repeatedly?

I have an unmet expectation.

Whether my expectation is realistic, hopeful, or unrealistic is irrelevant sometimes. Depending on my maturity level and how I disappointed I am, how I handle these expectations vary. If I were immature, I would keep expecting my husband to make coffee, keep complaining to him and others about it, keep reliving it in my head, and all the while expecting the coffee to be there in the morning. And there we have the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Over time, this may build up to a chewy thick level of resentment, because doing nothing isn’t the solution a mature person would apply.

We can look at these simple expectations about coffee as analogous to our relationships with people. It is normal to have relationships where there are moments when our needs aren’t being met, people aren’t kind, and we feel let down. Expecting things to be different over time by doing nothing, however, is insanity. We think we are being good by avoiding dealing with the situation, when, in fact, we are being nice, which isn’t biblical. Something needs to change in the relationship—expectations of the other person’s behavior, our mindset, or our own behavior. Sometimes we expect people to act differently than they always have, to suddenly be kind, for example, when that would be new for them.

We get into further trouble when we expect relationships to be conflict and hassle-free, with deep connection in every interaction. My guess is there are spaces in some of your relationships where you wish things were different, and you just don’t know how to change what’s going on. Often those are the places where we have expectations, and they can get in the way of our mental health and our relational outcomes. Sometimes we have what society would consider “realistic expectations” that aren’t getting met. “Realistic,” however, would be defined by the “reality-check” we do. Is it realistic to expect someone to do something they clearly have no interest in doing? At some point, if we don’t deal with our expectations, they build resentment and come out sideways at the other people in our lives. None of this is pleasing to God or helpful to our relationships.

There is a difference between expectations and hope.

Hope is a healthy longing or want for something God says is good. We know what these things are by what God teaches us through the Bible. It’s good to hope our spouse will tell the truth. It’s good to hope they will be faithful to us in marriage. When our spouse lies or is unfaithful, we learn if our healthy “want” has morphed over into an expectation and a “need” by our response to their betrayal—are we okay? Do we panic? Do we demand and harbor resentment and contempt for them? Even though the desire for truth and fidelity is certainly “reasonable,” if we are devastated by our spouse’s behavior, lose our identity, and cannot go on without them, blame ourselves, etc., we’ve morphed our healthy “want” into a “need.” The reality check creates awareness that our spouse isn’t doing what we had hoped.

Grace and maturity leave us in a healthy space of being able to grieve the loss of what we thought we had, and hope for things to be different, but not have the expectations that end in resentment and contempt. This practice in psychology is called, “radical acceptance,” and it is a wildly healthy thing to do. Our ability to move forward, and even influence the relationship and the other person comes from our lack of desperation, our strong sense of self, a healthy understanding of what hope is, and an acceptance of reality – reality as it is, not as we wish it would be. We can handle what life tosses our way, not because of other people’s behavior, but because we know who and Whose we are.

Are You as Bullet Proof as Viktor Frankl?

Know that this is an extreme example, but one that demonstrates what is possible. Can we be okay regardless of what is going on around us? This isn’t to say that we aren’t hurt, that we don’t grieve. Rather, this is a matter of the extent of the wounding—how deep is it? We have had a relatively easy go at life these last 40 years, something our parents and grandparents didn’t have. Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, and Holocaust survivor, was thankful for a crust of bread in his pocket while being imprisoned in a concentration camp. He is the well-known author of Man’s Search for Meaning, and The Happiest Man on Earth: The Beautiful Life of an Auschwitz Survivor. Consider these things he has said:

Chewy thoughts, aren’t they? It makes our fussing over who has taken the garbage out last seem so trivial. We were not raised in a difficult time, nor is the current time exceedingly hard, comparatively speaking, to what Dr. Frankl experienced, so the challenges we have in our relationships seem mighty important and even insurmountable, indeed.

Dr. John Gottman’s research out of University of Washington has found that expectations play a defining role in relationships. Essentially, the study says that one’s expectations of being treated well or not become one’s reality. In this chapter, it is not being suggested that you do not desire the best for your relationship or think the best of your partner – that’s actually really useful, but a discussion for another day. Rather today, we have an “expectation and reality check” to see if you have expectations that do not align with the reality you are living in. Your expectations can become unhealthy if they diverge persistently from what is truly happening. So, let us look at the way you view your expectations as “healthy,” and find out how it defines your relationship. I believe that people tend to live up or down to one’s own expectations, except when they don’t. When reality does not match our expectations, reality check is in order. While thinking positively about someone is good and commendable, it is not our focus today.

Our first exercise is to lay down our expectations. This is indeed a challenge knowing that we may pick them up again repeatedly, only to set them down again. This is a struggle we have before God, as we try to claim our right to our own happiness by expecting things from other people. By laying our expectations down, we communicate our trust in God’s plan for our lives, letting Him do as He deems fit. Laying them down also releases the pressure you are inadvertently putting on the other person, which will eventually push them away. Rest assured that you will deepen your relationship with God as you learn and grow in this book experience. You will know how to cease the curation of insanity and respond differently without unrealistic expectations in more areas of your life. This results in less emotional pain for both you and the other person, and greater confidence and satisfaction in God and yourself.

Please note that I’m NOT asking you to simply “rollover” and allow yourself to be taken advantage of – boundaries are a healthy part of this process, but we’re not talking about those today. I’m asking you to look at what truly is your reality—the relationship you actually have, or the one you keep longing for?

DARE 1

Make a list of things that you wish were different and can’t seem to make change happen. Maybe they include expectations you have of yourself or God, also. Here’s a few examples of what you might have as expectations:

Please note that you are NOT giving up hope for what is good, but rather choosing to trust God with His plan in His timing instead of yours. The way you have been trying to impact things hasn’t been working anyway so what do you really have to lose? Why not try something different?

I know. Hard stuff.

When you have your list, make a copy of it. Put one copy in an envelope, label it, “Expectations I’m letting go of,” and put it in your journal to be looked at later. Set the other list on fire (be careful!) or destroy it in some other way, saying to God, “I release my expectations of myself, You, and others. I choose to trust You with transforming my mind so Your glory and goodness will be seen. I choose to lay down my desire and attempt to control the outcomes of these situations. I choose to get out of Your way. I choose to be brave and courageous and step forth as You call me to trying new ways of doing things. Your ways are not our ways, and I ask that You make me more like You.”

BOTTOM LINE

Unmet expectations plant seeds of resentment. God has a different plan than we do—be open to it and watch change occur in relationships.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Take a few moments to journal your responses to these questions:

1. What was it like to look at the expectations you have of others?

2. Do you have expectations that you think should be realistic and reasonable?

3. Which ones seem unrealistic, or otherwise perhaps selfish?

4. When people don’t live up to your expectations, where does judgment show up for you in handling that?

5. How have expectations and hope shown up in your relationships?