Where did you go off track in your marriage?
Kara cried. Sharing her marriage troubles with her friend Gayle, she said, “He gets to do all these wonderful things, have lunch out with friends and coworkers, and I’m stuck at home with kids all day. When he finally gets here, he’s upset because dinner isn’t what he wants and I’ve made the kids wait and they are grumpy… it’s just a mess. Sometimes he doesn’t even eat what I’ve made or if he does, he has to “fix it” so he can eat it. Then he crashes on the couch and I’m stuck with cleaning up and getting kids ready for bed and there is NO HELP from him!! I’m so done with this!”
Sound familiar?
I hope not, but if you are like most people, you keep doing your best but wake up one day wondering how you got where you are in your marriage. Things seemed to be cruising along, maybe just fine, and then small irritations surface, and then more challenging ones. Next thing you know, you are wondering if you married the wrong person and what happened to the love you once had. Divorce seems to be the only option in light of the porn addiction, emotional abandonment, or other big issues.
What to do?
Don’t lead with complaint
Missing a fundamental difference between men and women, most wives will lead with complaint. “You never do anything to help!” or, “You’re so selfish, you only care about yourself!” or, “I’m drowning and exhausted and you don’t even care!” None of which are useful, but rather immature reactions to the stress and pain. YES, communication should occur – but please stop doing what does NOT work, and that is complaining. Men won’t just jump in like your girlfriends – in man-speak that means, “I don’t think you can handle this.” So stop complaining. It hasn’t worked anyway, has it?
Stop acting like a dude
When we want something from our husband, too often we act like men, being directive in communication. “You need to xyz,” or by simply not politely asking for what we want. Avoidance is also NOT a solution. We have a feminine superpower that attracts and influences men, but unfortunately our culture has successfully tried to do away with the aspects of womanhood. Women that act like men in their communication patterns are often met with a lack of influence and negative perception. You can choose to not like the facts, but they are there, nonetheless. We encourage you to act like a woman and stop trying to act like a man.
Accept that men and women are different – and that’s okay
One of the differences between men and women is our brains. Current research shows a difference in connectivity within the brains of men and women, making (in general) men excel at task-focused projects, and women excel at language and perceived multi-tasking. We have found in our anecdotal experiences with clients and class members over the years that men will generally do what is asked of them, if there is a good reason for the activity AND their relationship is not stuck in Negative Sentiment Override. Women seem to get caught up in “over-serving,” taking on too many things, and not asking for help.
(Read about why we sometimes have difficulty getting help when we DO ask here)
Effectively manage your emotions to maintain or create credibility
Self control is a fruit of the Spirit, for sure. AND as it turns out, it is KEY to having successful relationships. This article talks about self control and power, but I look at it like it is influence. One of the reasons we lack influence in our relationships is due to a lack of respect. We blow up the respect others could have for us by disrespecting ourselves by losing emotional control. (Find your emotional intelligence quotient here)
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32
None of this is new information – most of it is in the Bible!
What about you? Where do you see yourself going off track in your marriage?
Love to you,
Nina
PS… want help? We have been helping wives be seen and heard and create connection in their marriages. We have a proven method for deepening your connection with God, yourself, and others. Check out our free space at https://greaterimpactwives.org – just scroll down and grab your free seat! Or reply to this email and let’s chat! 🙂
Hi Nina,
Thank you for this article. It was exactly what I needed to read tonight. I long for a close, and peaceful marriage but often feel alone and confused when trying to communicate with my husband (who I love dearly, but who can also be emotionally distant). I’ve been reflecting a lot on my own actions lately and have recently become very aware of my own lack of emotional self-control. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t recognise this issue sooner, but even though I’m now aware of it, it is still incredibly difficult to change. I have, in the past, relied heavily on my husband for emotional support and still have a tendency to sometimes be emotionally needy. Could I ask you to please pray for me as I seek God’s wisdom and guidance?
Thank you, Jess
Happy to pray for you, Jess! And I want to invite you to sign up for our free space at https://greaterimpactwives.org – scroll all the way down to the bottom and sign up. You will get encouragement and hope along with the support you need to follow the Lord in this space! This is redeemable! Am living proof that God can heal you!
Happy to pray for you!! Can’t see if I responded already, so I apologize if this is twice! And no worries – there is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus !!! He doesn’t judge you and neither should you judge yourself, just choose to work on it and let Him rule your heart!