When you bring a concern to your spouse does he turn it around and make it about what HE needs?
Or worse yet, does he get defensive and start arguing?
If so, you likely end up in a fight, right?
Then if you listen to the culture, they label this behavior as narcissistic, toxic, or abusive, and try to herd you into the attorney’s office – which then starts you down the path of separation and divorce.
Just as an aside… I have friends who are therapists who don’t operate like this, but some have told me it is a lucrative way to make a living, as your client will need another one to three years of counseling if they divorce. Our goal in coaching is to help you turn your marriage around in 3-6 months and get rid of you as a weekly client. I know ethical therapists, but I also know some who encourage divorce.
It’s understandable to consider these things… after all, it IS immature to not take responsibility when you hurt someone. And it isn’t good for the relationship.
Both my AND my husband’s individual therapists labeled me and him as narcissistic and abusive.
They diagnosed us without EVER meeting with us.
Wasn’t true. And it nearly had us filing for divorce.
We were actually talking with attorneys.
BOTH therapists were wrong. And I’ve seen this plenty of times working with couples who have been to counselors.
What if what you are dealing with isn’t truly narcissism but a reaction born out of hurt AND maybe a not so effective way of bringing up issues?
Too many of us bring up problems by complaining, which never works.
What if there were a better way? The enemy is winning in this game – and you may be missing an opportunity to actually CONNECT with your spouse in that situation and turn things around so that BOTH of your concerns are addressed.
Your husband is acting this way for a reason – likely because he feels threatened, maybe worried you will take advantage of him. Even if you haven’t ever done that – he may be concerned about “fairness” perhaps… OR that he is being judged BECAUSE you just have an issue – and his personal history has taught him he is worthless if everyone else isn’t happy… maybe it is something like that and NOT narcissism.
I personally understand the frustration and hurt and have likely tried all the things you have, too.
I’m not judging you.
God showed me a better way, one that didn’t accuse my husband (or me) of abuse or mental illness labels. Harshness, selfishness, woundedness, and sin, um hello yes, but we both were participating.
I AM here to offer you potentially a better way – His Ways are higher than our ways, and before you decide you are DONE with your marriage, maybe let’s try one more thing – message me “one more try” and let’s chat about possibilities!
God may have a plan to save YOUR marriage just like He did mine and those we work with.
If you aren’t truly ready to try something new and different, invest the time and energy trying the right things that actually could make a difference, if you just want to complain about him, know I care about you, but you will just be wasting both our time. Reach out when you are really ready to do something different.
BUT… If you KNOW right now you are ready to take action and move forward, you can message me or just sign up at https://greaterimpactwives.org – note the free space will get you started, but real change will ONLY occur in coaching – AND ONLY if you are ready. If not, save your money!
Love to you,
Nina
