Can your marriage be saved?
Maybe… consider these data-backed questions…
Do you need your spouse to acknowledge the hurt and injustice they have done to you?
Do you think you are more conscientious and moral in your marriage compared to how your spouse treats you?
When your spouse feels hurt by your actions, is it really important for you to clarify that you were justified in doing what you did?
Is it really hard for you to stop thinking about the injustices your spouse has done to you?
According to Scott Barry Kaufman in an article published Jun 29, 2020 on ScientificAmerican.com, if you find yourself saying “mostly yes,” on all of these items, you may have what psychologists identify as a “tendency for interpersonal victimhood.“
That mindset will keep your marriage stuck.
Every marriage is full of possibility for misinterpretation and miscommunication. Data out of University of Chicago shows us that we are wrong 65% of the time when we think we know what our spouse is thinking or feeling. Data from the Gottman Institute reveals that those that have marriage mastery give their spouse the benefit of the doubt most of the time, and are generous with explaining their spouse’s behavior – even when it could be perceived as harmful towards them!
It’s also anti-Biblical to take offense – check the verses:
Matthew 18:21-22, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
Proverbs 19:11, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”
Matthew 5:38-39, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”
1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Taking offense occurs in places where we are immature or not healed.
We want to NOT take offense. Don’t be THAT guy.
(and if you don’t see a way to not be a doormat here, understand boundaries may be a thing to learn about – we teach people how to treat us, so let’s take some responsibility for what we currently have)
That’s what relational wisdom looks like. If you find yourself disagreeing with these statements, maybe even saying “you don’t know what I deal with on the daily,“ you may have a negative BIAS and be taking things personally. Finding offense often (instead of other options) is a sure fire way of blowing up your relationship.
It’s the difference between wisdom and foolishness. And I don’t want to come across as judgmental. This is all based on data and you need to know about it because the chances that it is contributing to the destruction of your marriage is pretty high.
Even when a spouse has an affair or bankrupts the family with a gambling addiction that’s been hidden, that marriage doesn’t need to be over. What usually determines the death is how personally the other spouse takes the offense (and whether the offending spouse repents, of course). I’m not saying to not live in reality, what I AM suggesting is that you learn how to respond, such that you’re able to make an impact on the relationship in a positive way.
I’ve seen relationships where person on the receiving end of a spouse’s affair becomes the person that actually ruins the marriage by replaying the details and asking for even more of them, focusing on the negative and taking it all personally. The rumination, subsequent emotionality, consistent complaining within and focusing on what is “bad” gets in the way of healing what caused the situation to exist in the first place.
If this makes you angry, that is understandable, but that’s also judgment rearing its ugly head because we are not any better than the sin that someone else commits that’s different than our own.
Some people also do not seem to know that experiencing a traumatic event doesn’t always mean we have to respond with being traumatized. Unfortunately some people don’t even need what most would consider trauma to form a victimhood mindset. Amongst other things, a BIG factor determining outcome, as shown by data – is whether we BLAME or choose agency.
Why am I talking about this?
I typically give people a bit of time to discern whether their suffering is a momentary thing they are trying to find a way out of, OR if it’s a way of life for them. If it’s a way of life, I suggest therapy. It’s not that I don’t have empathy for people with a victim mindset. God (and a few close friends) know I was stuck in this myself for a bit. It’s an awful feeling – helplessness on steroids.
I just don’t work with people stuck in victimhood because I’m not a therapist. It also sucks the life out of me and I only have so much bandwidth in that space. That doesn’t mean I don’t have empathy, but you are welcome to think less of me if you like.
Coaching is about changing our life and relationships by taking responsibility and moving forward differently. It’s a GROWTH mindset – the pure OPPOSITE of a victim mindset. Those are the people I want to (and do) work with.
And our clients get great results.
Consistently.
The data is also in on complaining. It is really bad for our brain. I do allow our coaching clients to bring a problem to a session, for sure – but we don’t spend 20 minutes blaming everyone and everything because that belongs with their best friend or therapist, not in a forward moving coaching session. And it isn’t in their best interest.
Coaching has a PLAN for dealing with issues – one that solves the problem!
So if you have healed enough to be able to forgive your spouse and can focus on your own behaviors and contributions to the relationship instead of pointing the finger at the spec (no matter how large) in their eye, you are in healthy enough space to do coaching and then change your marriage.
If you aren’t holding onto those complaints too tightly, and WANT to take responsibility, we can also likely help you.
Know there is no judgment here – if you aren’t ready, you’re not ready. Go do therapy with the goal being able to thrive regardless of your circumstances, to take responsibility for your contribution, and to be able to forgive your spouse and not be bitter or resentful. Know also that therapy can also move you into divorce, often because it seems therapists don’t understand the PROCESS the marriage needs to go through to heal. If you find a therapist that can help you achieve your goals of forgiveness and agency, we can walk with you as you create different outcomes for the marriage.
Want to know more? Let me know – PM me here or email me “I’m ready” and let’s talk!
Love to you,
Nina
