Are you inadvertently blowing up your marriage?
Several women have called me this week wanting to know if their marriage can be saved. I witness their pain, bring some comfort, and push aside the anger I have toward a culture giving bad advice and sending the wrong messages which landed them here.
And I would know, as I been there, done that. Bought the T-shirt.
At some point one often says something like, “He came to me and said he was trying, that he had taken the garbage out, that he had picked his shoes up, helped one of the kids with their math… he stood there like I was supposed to be proud of him or something… and I let him know that I don’t even really care about those things, I need him to connect with my heart, to really hear and understand, to love me, and until those things happen, he isn’t really trying… he just looked at me and then he left, hasn’t really talked much to me since… he is so disengaged I can’t see this getting better til he starts to really try…”
Do you see it?
Do you see how the enemy’s judgmental way of thinking snuck into her mind? Do you see how not understanding how men work, talking to him like he is a failed disappointment to you, leading with complaint, failing to acknowledge what he IS doing … shuts him down completely when he starts making a forward movement?
(and before you get upset with me, or think I’m against women, I’m not! 95+ % of my readers are women, so that is who I primarily speak to 🙂 Please know similar things can be said both ways 🙂 )
How do you think things get better? By stomping in any tiny forward movement of his?
If we study human motivation and influence, we can quickly see the recipe for failure above. Sometimes I get to talk with these men … often they have checked out completely, feel trapped, and don’t have any desire to even try because what difference would it make anyway?
They can’t win, so why try?
What they need is a caring respectful response that inspires them to try again. And a wife that knows how to not just keep from destroying a man’s motivation but build safety and trust in the relationship. For him AND herself.
I see too many women each week who are feeling hopeless; while thinking they are doing everything to fix their marriage and he is doing nothing. They are hurt, angry, and discouraged.
They HAVE been working hard, just not doing things that actually work.
I get that – I used to think similar things. I thought I was working hard and blaming my husband for a lack of effort on his side of the street. What’s also true is I missed daily opportunities to really connect and be an encourager, which would have set him up to succeed more easily.
(No, it isn’t the wife’s fault 100% that the marriage is a mess, but if you aren’t walking in your relational gifting, part of which is seeing the issues and then knowing how to act to change things, well, that IS something you CAN do something about! Expecting a man to know how to fix this when relationships typically aren’t where his gifting is fits into the foolishness category. It’s not your fault, btw, remember, I have also done this – the culture is against us, but the gate is narrow, and few find the path! This stuff is worth learning and working out!)
For me, all that pain is NO MORE. And God healed our marriage. It isn’t perfect, but whoa are things better! We are friends again and living a wild adventure on a farm now – something I’ve always dreamed of doing. And last year we made that happen.
I want this for you!
I’m living proof you don’t have to stay stuck. There IS a better way.
If YOU are truly ready to invest and put some effort toward doing things differently, we have seen God work through the Strength & Dignity course and through coaching. You don’t have to go this road alone! If you are too exhausted to even consider trying one more thing, here is a piece of free advice for you – take a week off, go stay with your mom or a friend and get some rest. If you don’t think that’s possible for you, that is a real concern, let’s talk about THAT because what comes next without rest for you won’t be good. Reach out with “can’t “and we will visit and bring some encouragement.
If you are ready to work, reach out with “work” and let’s see what God can do!
Love to you,
Nina
