A Secret to Turning Your Marriage Around…
We broke open our piggy banks and dug coins out of the couch cushions to put the down payment on a house the year we were married.
We literally scraped together enough to buy the house, but had to paint it for it to qualify for the FHA loan. We cashed in savings, dug the quarters, nickels and dimes out of the floor boards of the cars, and bought the tiny place.
And even though we had a little house together, we still dated.
Sometimes both Friday and Saturday were “on the town” nights, spent going to plays, dinner, or even eating a pizza in the car and steaming up the windows J at the lake because that’s all we had the money to do…
I entered his world, he entered mine, and we forged new territory of interests common to us both, together. We put our marriage first, intentionally spending time together.
We bought a dog, and went to training classes. (If you haven’t had a dog, btw, they are great “practice” for raising kids)
We camped.
And we did nearly everything together.
That was over 20 years ago.
Our latest really purposeful time together (other than church or our dates) looks really different… It’s our “job jar” weekly activities. Our daughter pulls one out, and we accomplish the task over the weekend.
Together.
Doesn’t sound that romantic, does it? 🙂
But, if you ask either one of us about how the rankings of our relationships go, I think you’ll get the same answer – God – marriage – kids. Problem is that our time is hugely eaten up by work, ministry, and driving kids around. So we don’t date several times a week anymore, but once or twice a month – and we probably should get back to once a week. Even going for coffee or breakfast is a date when it’s just the two of you. Thankfully, we spend time together, talking, planning, and doing.
Proverbs 2 today reminded me of what Jesus tells us in Revelation.
First, the Proverbs verse: “It (wisdom) will save you also from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God.” (emphasis mine)
How many of us have emotionally or physically left the partner of our youth? Ouch.
Now Revelation 2:4-5 (Jesus speaking to the church of Ephesus, which IMHO, is significant) “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.”
Doing the “things we did at first” changes relationships. Yes, you might not feel like it any longer, BUT, sometimes our hearts follow our behaviors. And if we wait instead for our hearts to change without taking action, well, we’ll wait forever.
So today, this spoke to me to apologize to my husband (I took something personally that he said last night and shot off a non-respectful response – that’s the “repent” part) and secondly, to “do the things we/you did at first” in our marriage. So I’m going to write him another note of encouragement and leave it some place he’ll find it.
Then I’m going to pray about something he might enjoy doing that we used to do together, and see if I can make that happen. For us, it’s great for either of us to plan outings.
When’s the last time you did one of those early marriage activities?
When is the last time you did something for your spouse with the sole purpose of bringing him (or her) joy?
Or sent flowers? Or bought a little gift?
Or left a sweet note of affirmation?
Or did a little something to make things easier for him (or her)?
Or pursued him or her physically like you did back then? J
Dare you to do any of these (and more) daily… and remember, if you are doing them with the purpose of receiving, it’s not a gift, it’s not Love, it’s an attempt at a purchase…so pray for His great love within you. 🙂
Double dog dare you to actually check the Proverbs link and read the verses, seeing what He has to say to you this day.
Triple dog dare you to comment, share or “subscribe” and join us on the journey! J
For what it’s worth, one of my kids is dealing with a medical condition that is impacting my ability to blog daily. It is still my plan to spend time with you at least 3 days a week, but I don’t think it is possible for me to continue shooting for 5. I’m really sorry. I’d encourage you to read the books of Samuel – they’re all about David. He’s the biggest whiner in the Bible (my kinda guy J) and yet God calls him a “man after God’s own heart.”
May we all pursue Him with as much passion as David.
Love to you,
~Nina
Thank you so much for calling your commenters such wonderful names as “lovely” and “beautiful”. For probably many of us long to be cherished. ..
I will be honest, this one was tough. I have stood by him through all the stuff, the gambling and putting us into bankruptcy 3 times, losing our house, the infidelity, the lying and so many other things. I think what hurts the most is not taking “ownership” and not saying and believing that he is responsible for his own actions. When he said things like, “I tried to win more money because I know how much you love this house and we needed more money to pay the mortgage.” Or, “I only was with her because you never feeling well and always had to deal with your sick Grandmother or the kids.” I think the last straw was when he called me a few weeks ago after being left out of jail and being fired from his job because of something he took at work that did not belong to him. It is hard to keep smiling and to be supportive when all you want to do is yell at him and scream and punch him! I keep asking God, “Ok, what do you want me to do next?. I really cannot do this on my own and have no one to talk to that will not judge I feel so lonely and angry and bitter and hurt. Right now all I can do is cling to the promises God has given me that He will never leave me or forsake me.
You are right. You cannot do this on your own.
Starting with ourselves is what God wants us to do – we encourage women to take a look at what they are doing, are they being respectful, loving, etc….
and THEN, if the answer is yes, then we encourage you to deeply seek God’s advice. Sometimes we have to set boundaries, but if we do so in a vindictive, manipulative and angry way, we don’t have His blessing. If our hearts are broken for our brother (yes, I know, he’s our husband, but first, he is our brother in Christ) and we sense God is leading us to help him in that way, then we must obey.
God has His timing, and it’s always perfect.
A great book on this is Dr. Kevin Leman’s “Have a New Husband by Friday,” and while the name is humorous, it’s a great delivery of how we can be a friend, instead of the man’s mother, or an enabler.
Having said all that, however, please seek His guidance. He may have things you are to learn prior to taking any action.
But you are fully right – you do not walk this path alone. And your Lord is beside you 100% of the time. And we are with you on the journey, as well. Different men, different places, different circumstances, but nearly all women are suffering to some degree within their marriages, and we just want to encourage them in their pursuit of peace and joy – by helping them find Him and His ways.
Love to you, beautiful!
~Nina
First off, what Laura said. I, for one, am grateful that you bless us at all with your insights. I will gladly take them as and when they are given.
Second, I am seeing about 90% of my own story in what Grace wrote–my husband and I will have been married for 7 years this December, but we have been involved for almost 21. And I fear through all of the ups, downs and past hurts we have once again reached the “roommate” phase–the difference this time being that I think he’s tired of fighting for us. I have handled his heart carelessly and I understand the distance is a form of protection from a pattern of emotional abuse on my part (though it doesn’t hurt any less with that understanding). I pray that I have not come to this epiphany too late to reconnect and rebuild this love and relationship to its former “youthful glory.” It would seem that he avoids spending time with me because he is angry or frustrated (or both) at having accepted this treatment for so long–being ignored, betrayed, treated as less than a priority–and expecting a change. I have been trying very hard to leave the solution in God’s hands where I put it and not try to keep reaching in and fix it, but my “spirit-man” (as Jesse Duplantis would put it) is a 99 pound weakling. I am trying to change that, and reading your posts helps me to hold on to some hope that things will get better.
I thank you again for gracing us with your thoughts, however frequent or infrequent–each post is a priceless nugget of wisdom that I truly take to heart.
Thanks so much! They aren’t my thoughts, however, if they are blessing you, give Him the glory! Trust me, left to my own devices, I’m a complete mess. 🙂
Can I offer a small thought about your situation? One that might be worth what you paid for it, which is nothing?
🙂
Jesus gives us the key to turning our relationships around in Revelation 2:5…”Repent, and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.” While the language is symbolic, it’s also prescriptive. I believe He is telling us these things:
1. Apologize (to God and your husband) for what you have done, in a heartfelt way, stating clearly what you have done, why it is wrong, listening to how He (and he) feels about it, asking for forgiveness (and the human may have trouble with that, but that’s okay) from both God and your husband, then verbally committing to learning more about how to get things right, and doing better.
2. Do the stuff you did in the beginning of your relationship when it was good. 🙂 Little things, daily. Without care of reciprocation. It’s very simple, (not easy, but simple) to rekindle love if one is patient enough…be his friend, (don’t treat him like a girlfriend, but be his friend – there’s a difference), have your own things you do for yourself (in otherwords, your image of yourself is based upon what God thinks of you, and lastly, treat him as though he is special – because he is.
In 20 years you’ll be 20 years older regardless – why not invest that time learning all that God has for you, within this context of marriage, designed to make us holy, instead of what the world thinks, which is “happy” ? 🙂
Love to you, dearheart. We pray for you! I hope you are on our facebook page, too, we have lots of little discussions about this stuff there.
And thank you for the grace. We’re all works in progress! 🙂
Blessings,
Nina
I like the advice from Marriage Builders that it takes 20 hours/week of Undivided Attention between a couple to rebuild romantic love, and 15/week to maintain it. The kids need a healthy, marriage as their example and for security. I think people are often WAY too busy to nurture the marriage.
Awesome, Pam! Do you have a linky for the article? 🙂 I’d love to see more on this – and I agree whole heartedly with you – nurture our relationship with God first, marriage second, kids third, others last! 🙂
Oh my goodness Nina! Thank you for this blog. I adore my husband today but I can’t say we have never had hard times! Hang in their ladies, do the right things by your hubby and I swear it will work out! You will be a better person than you ever thought you could be and you will be blessed!
Sometimes when I am tempted to get on a negative bender I began listing all the positive things about my spouse, after awhile I forget what I was mad about in the first place thinking about all the many blessings God has brought into my life because of my dear husband! 🙂
Now so many kids, and businesses, and degrees, and houses later….I can say, thank you Jesus for bringing us through!
Any good you see is from the Lord, Julia! 🙂 Glad you are blessed – He is faithful, indeed!
Thank You Nina for your message! Love to keep up with your blog as it seems so often to apply. Read this and had to smile. Had date night with my husband last Friday (the 2nd date out alone/together this year) and went to see Courageous. What an amazing movie! Even better was the drive to the theater, dinner after and the drive home. One to one, uninterrupted, quality, talking and listening time! I so often forget that my hubby is an intelligent conversationalist with an off the wall witty and sometimes sarcastic humor. It’s nice to be reminded that I actually like the love of my life 🙂 Now that the little ones are growing out of the demanding, needy phase, it is time to get those priorities back in order- God, marriage, kids.
Love the job jar idea, and will be praying for you and your family.
Thanks so much, Michelle, it’s His message, I just happened to be handy… 🙂 Good for you for dating your mate! You sound like God has kept your vision of your husband clear – stay plugged into Him so you can see people the way He does! 🙂 And thank you for your prayers! We appreciate them so much. 🙂
Thank you Nina for your response to Grace Fylingat Home. I have been married for only 2 years and things are not well between me and my husband. Tears started to form when I read your response “These struggles are not about your marriage…they are about your relationship with God.” Even though I can recognize that – it is hard to wrap my brain around what that means. Right now I am having a hard time trusting my husband because of trust issues from my past. So I am learning that my lack of trust towards my husband is a direct reflection of my lack of trust towards God in my life. I am learning that my focal point should not be my husband’s faults; my focal point needs to be Christ. Alot easier said than done! Nina – I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
OOh edit button: in my last post I mis-sited the Ephesian passage it was Eph: 5:33 “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she respect her husband.” 😉
Thank you for these words, I’m praying for you and your family.
Every marriage will have its bumps, rough and tuff spots! Dr. Eggerichs of Love and Respect Ministries (loveandrespect.com) promotes this idea (which helped me): “my response is my responsibility”! Not matter what we have done or what our spouse may have done, training our spirits to remain in love and respect unconditionally is where God’s power works through us Ephesians 6:33. Marriages can turn around with lots of prayer, humility and work. Something my husband & I started out doing was going to marriage retreats. Then kids came along, ministry got overwhelming, work got busy. We realized if we are not purposely “watering our own grassy spot” it would go brown and die. So in the last few years we have made a concerted effort to pray (Stormie Omartian’s books: Power of a Praying Wife/husband was very helpful) & fast together. Dedicating the fast to the marriage helped to us re-knit and bond in new in better transformed ways. We have read couples devotionals together – to create purposeful discussions. Today we are going to start the 6 Lesson series Love and Respect Building Blocks Vol. 1 for couples/small groups. I have been waiting months to start this one with my hubby. He has the desire to do these things but carving out the time has been the hardest part that has required patience on my part. Keep on fighting for love and respect in godly ways! Be Blessed!
Oh, Laura, thank you for the grace! 🙂 You’ve made my day. 🙂
~Nina
I read your posts daily, and this one hit home. My husband and i have been struggling for quite some time. I did the respect dare, and he basically put down everything I did, but I kept on. He cheated, got caught, and wants to fix things. I agreed, but now a year later, I have checked out. He is an un-believer and he feels it is his duty (and mine as his wife) to get me out of the church. I refuse to leave, so he is intent on making me unhappy. The problem is I don’t know how to check back in, when everyone is more important than me. When I married him, his word was as good as a contract. It still is to everyone but me. I haven’t moved out, because I feel like God is saying Stay.
You are right.
You can’t do this.
None of this can be done by you – but God has always been and still is about His glory, and He can help you do this. 🙂 You are a missionary in your home, lovely, and today, we join you in prayer as you seek His will. I love Oswald Chambers, “My Utmost for His Highest.” I hope you’ll get the book and pursue holiness – I so wish that God had made marriage to make us happy, but He created it to make us holy, and so we journey together.
Love to you, beautiful – keep us posted as His story of grace is lived out in the fabric of your life.
~Nina
sigh… I’m so challenged by this that I wish I hadn’t read it, honestly. This last month I took a sabbatical from writing my own blog (graciouslyathome.blogspot.com) and posting on my facebook page in order to give myself some emotional space to examine my heart about my husband. Through my own times of searching, and through conversations with him and with trusted friends, I have discovered that indeed I have emotionally left the spouse of my youth.
It will be 7 years in March, and we have faced some tough stuff in those 7 years. At some point, and I’m not sure when, we both made a decision to go through the motions. Neither of us were aware of each other’s decision, and individually we were not personally aware of the steps we were taking… but we could not avoid the conseqences, even in our ignorance.
We began to live around eachother. Roomates, occasional lovers, sometimes friends… but completely connected man and wife, with a healthy reliance on one another and the Lord… unfortunately, no. Through many hurts, achieved by unrealistic expectations and resulting disappointments, coupled with the emotional strain of loss, changes in employment, financial hardship, the complications of a blended family (he fathered a child in highschool), and the stresses of a child with special needs… we have lost our relationship. We are always resentful and discontent. And at times we now recognize we even hate eachother.
We had one good year, the very first year… before we became pregnant. And unfortunately, the foundation we had built our love on has not survived. We thought we were building on Christ. I truly believed that at least I was building on the Rock… but now, I’m not sure. Not because he was unfaithful… but perhaps we were building in our own strength. I’ve begun to question every choice made before we were married, how we rushed into our vows, and the timing of the entire ordeal.
Because my thoughts have wandered this far, entertaining the idea that perhaps we never should have gotten married in the first place, I cannot wrap my heart and mind around the concept of re-injecting some of our former activities into what we have now. I no longer desire to spend any time with him. I hear myself say these things and I wonder what manner of woman I have become. I believe so strongly in a Christ-centered marriage, in husbands being the heads of the home, in wives lovingly submitting to their men… but the hope for that to be present in our lives has long been snuffed out. Oh, how the enemy robs us of our joy. And how we let him if we are not careful.
Guard your hearts and marriages. Take part in these dares, and others, ladies and gentlemen. Keep your love alive. Lay yourselves down for your spouses and keep Christ as the center of your homes. Please. Because anything short will destroy your families.
Beautiful woman of God, my heart aches for you. And I do understand your pain.
It’s isolating.
It’s disappointing.
It’s discouraging.
You are wise to take time to be still and know Him.
May I ever so gently remind you of something I’m sure you know already? 🙂 These struggles are not about your marriage…they are about your relationship with God. Often for His glory to be revealed, the carrier of it must be refined.
You are in a desert, but worry not, 1 Corinthians 10:12-13, which speaks to all of us who attempt to be Titus 2 women for others – “So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you do not fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” His ways are not our ways, and your journey path is rocky and dessolate, marred with suffering and the sharp stones of refinement.
God created marriage like a rock tumbler, where we bump against each other until the edges are smoothed off…Hold tightly to your faith, dear heart, regardless of what your husband is doing – you cannot be His Holy Spirit. He has his own journey with our Lord. In heaven, you are not married, so remember, even here on earth, he is your brother. The greatest privilege on earth is to journey this life with your friend, your brother, your husband – but it takes some doing to combat the desires we have that have been influenced by the culture (“happily ever after” – made happy by a man) and replace them with the Lord’s (made holy and reflecting Christ and the church to an unsaved world – or unsaved spouse).
I pray you find your way through this to the other side where His glory is. God wired you to lead others, and the enemy is trying to dismantle you by going after your marriage.
Praying for you, beautiful!
~Nina
Thank you for your encouragement. I am so thankful I found your blog. I am sorry your son or daughter is struggling with their health. I’ll pray. And any encouragement (3 times a week vs 5) is such a blessing especially with your heart towards God and your family and life. Thank you for sharing with us. God bless. Laura