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Dare 2: How to Overcome the Death of Childhood Dreams

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new

Seventeen-year-old Matt raced through the darkened suburban streets, boxing gloves slung around his neck. The championship trophy on the seat next to him radiated like pure gold. Corner lights guided his way until he burst through their front door and shouted:

“MOM!!! I won! I won!” Matt danced around the living room and into the kitchen where his mother was cleaning up the dishes.

“That’s wonderful Matt. I’m so proud of you.” She hugged her son close wanting him to know how much she loved him even though she hadn’t been able to be there for the big match.

“Would you look at that, Meg,” his father grumbled as he leaned against the kitchen wall. “How exactly does he think he’s going to make a living at boxing? How is that going to pay the bills?”

Awkward silence filled the room. Anger and resentment burned in Matt’s heart, flushing his neck and cheeks, but he knew better than to argue with his father, a man who had worked in hard manual labor long before he was Matt’s age.

His father’s scowl and piercing eyes punctured the silence nearly audibly. “Exactly. It’s not.”

“Frank. He’s not saying this is his life’s ambition. But he’s passionate about boxing – and he’s clearly good at it.” Meg smiled at her oldest son. Frank glared at her.

“That’s fine, Meg. When he’s thirty and has no job, you can support him.” He stomped off into the living room to finish watching his T.V. show.

Meg looked at Matt with a parent’s heart of empathy. He tried so hard to win his father’s approval, but Frank rarely had a word of praise for any of their children. He was a good man deep down but was passing on to his children what his own father had done to him.

“Matt…” she began.

“It’s okay, Mom. Goodnight.”

Back in his room, Matt threw his boxing gloves and trophy into the trash. He had dreamed of being a prize fighter, but he knew what his Dad said was true and it was time he accepted it.

He would never make a living doing what he loved. That night, Matt resigned himself to pursue something more practical.

Ten years later, at age 27, Matt realized he had betrayed himself that night. Now age stood in the way of his shattered dream, and while he couldn’t go back in time, he could choose to move forward differently. Matt apologized to his wife and three-year-old son for being argumentative and disagreeable, especially around his son’s love of cars. He had no idea if it would ever amount to anything, but he saw his father’s criticism seeping into interactions with his own boy, judging him. He saw his lack of support for his wife’s real estate career as being about his lack of pursuit of his own dreams. He knew these things were damaging his family. Realizing he had unfinished business, Matt prayed his way through his loss of identity. “God, forgive me for not stepping into who I was and letting my dad’s words decide my future for me. Forgive me for not listening to You, and forgive me for blaming my parents for my own lack of resolve. Help me support my son and wife the way they are wired, the way You made them. Help me encourage them instead of tearing them down. Please get rid of this critical spirit within me, and the focus on what I don’t have. Help me pursue this new love of carpentry and help me provide for my family. Help me be the man you are calling me to be. In the name and identity of Jesus I pray, Amen and amen.”

Bottom Line?

Until we actively step into the identity of who God says we are, we give our past permission to define us.

The Dare

In prayer, take a few moments to examine your childhood. Think about the joy certain activities brought, and the achievements you had. Consider the way God created you, including the things you are good at, the skills you have, the natural interests you developed, the talents and gifting He specifically gave you. Resist the temptation to follow the brain’s natural blame and protection cycles. Focus on the good, the strengths and talents you had. Perhaps you even take these things for granted because they come so easily to you. We often don’t value our talents because they come so easily. No matter how small something may seem to you, take a moment to be thankful for how you are made. If you need some awesome verses to spur you on, check out this great resource from Joyce Meyer.

What about You?

  1. What is God revealing to you about how He made you?
  2. Where do you need to extend grace to and forgive yourself?
  3. Where do you need to extend grace to and forgive your parents?
  4. If you could step into who you really are, what gifts, talents, skills, wiring, etc., would you explore first and how?
  5. What is ONE STEP you can take to move forward in living as who you really are?

Am eager to hear from you today!
Love to you,
Nina
…

PS… if you are having a hard time nailing down what your dreams even are or choosing to live the way He created you, maybe it’s time to join our Strength & Dignity eCourse on our membership site. It’s inexpensive and it works – here’s what a few class members have to say:

My husband used to yell at me, my kids used to yell at me…everybody yelled at me and treated me like their slave, and I foolishly did nothing! Thank God that now He is showing me a new way – with the help of your course! I had already been trying to respect myself more when I stumbled upon your course, but it is really helping me grow in leaps and bounds!
 Jeanne
 
I have been searching for years for the material you have here, the way God is leading us through you. And honestly it’s an incredible relief. The work is hard. It’s a faith journey. But this is the true gospel here. I’m falling more in love with Jesus. And I’m letting Him love me. This course is reaching the deep places of my heart.

Louisa

Join us if you are feeling led! You don’t have to stay stuck!

Here’s a quick video to help you today!

How Blaming Others is Destroying Your Confidence | What To Say and How To Say It Podcast with Nina
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsxlTmlrMjQ

How to overcome the death of childhood dreams… Dare 2

/ Biblical Womanhood

How to avoid feeling shame …

Ever have someone shame you? It’s an awful feeling, don’t you think? The face-flushing, guilty-headache, hot-cheeked, where’s-the-door-right-Now? feeling that stinks like no other.

And you may not consider yourself someone who dumps shame on others – I certainly didn’t think of myself that way – but if we’ve ever begun a sentence with, “How could you…?” or “What were you thinking?” or “Seriously?” then you are as guilty of “shame dumping” as I am.

Let’s stop doing that, shall we? It’s simply not RESPECTFUL.

…

Last Sunday, being lazy, I texted a friend of mine, “Hey, what time is the party?”

I knew she was also invited to a mutual friend’s 50th wedding anniversary party.

Time stopped when she texted back,

It was yesterday.”

Manohmanohmanohmanohman…

My whole family had been looking forward to this event.

And I had it on my calendar for Sunday.

That wasn’t helpful.

And the flood of a hundred “OH NO” thoughts, missed moments for my friend, my husband and I (we hit 25 years in a week), our kids, and feelings of regret and remorse filled my eyes and spilled over onto my cheeks.

I had messed up. And not just for myself, but others who were counting on me to “have it all together.”

After telling everyone the bad and oh-so-sad news, I did the next thing – I took her gift, something she LOVES, along with the card, to her house. Thankfully, she was there – along with about 25 other family members.

I got to apologize to a crowd.

She and I cried together, and she dished me some grace. I apologized again. She forgave me.

And on the way home, God shared with me a few things.

You know those nudgings you had last week to find and check the invitation?

The ones you didn’t work too hard to carry out?

That was Me.

“Father, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to You. You are right. I should have paid attention more. You tried to help me, and I kept brushing You off.”

Remember how you asked Me to teach you to love last year?

Love yourself. Forgive yourself.

I knew I had let a number of people down.  I knew a few of them were disappointed in me. I knew I had hurt my friend by not being there on one of the most important nights in her life. All these things can feel like disrespect when you are on the receiving end.

Then I had this sense that even though all those things were still true, even though people still might feel pain because of my mistake, there was also something else, another very important Truth – that because of Him and what He did on the Cross, I was forgiven – I could still be sad that I missed it, but I could forgive myself – and that was loving myself well – and that was not only okay, but part of what He means when He talks about coming to bring us abundant life and freedom.

Then I noticed something… (stick with me to the end to grab how all this plays into today’s dare from The Respect Dare)

A few things were missing from this experience.

BLAME

And…

SHAME

And their sister…

SELF-CONDEMNATION

I felt like a grown up. I respected myself.

Since that day, I have managed to mess up SPECTACULARLY again.

AGAIN.

Yep. Three days ago, I REALLY disappointed one of my kids with a HUGE miss that will cost them and us a lot.

We worked through it. I cried over making the mistake, no, that wasn’t why I cried… maybe it was possibly wasting time and money… nope, what was it??

It wasn’t my lack of perfection.

It wasn’t my pride.

What was it?  Why did I cry?

Loss.

I cried because of loss. For the kid’s opportunity that was gone… and for the chance to do well by someone who is one of my favorite people in life. The loss of blessing a loved one.

And he let me know how he felt, and I validated his feelings.

I apologized.

He forgave me.

I was a little concerned that he would be angry – and angry at me, not just at the situation, which was legit – for a long time. He had a right to be upset over what happened and upset at me for messing up.

He wasn’t upset at either.

And we BOTH had life abundant and freedom.

Our relationship is probably stronger, too.

He told me the other night that God may have a different plan than what he thought and that he was fine with it.

Again – the blessing of life abundant and freedom – and love.

So even though both of us are paying about this whole situation, dealing with the consequences, we are moving forward.

Together.

Without blame.

Without shame.

Without condemnation.

And WITH RESPECT.

And it is mutual – by “mutual,” I mean more than not taking it out on the other, but also not taking it out on ourselves. Respecting both – which in effect is obeying God. Which He TOTALLY digs.

Cast blame, shame, and condemnation OUT!!RESPECT yourself& others (2)

I wish more people in families could do this. I wish we did it more, honestly.

  • Allow mistakes and failures without blame, which shames others and damages relationships
  • Celebrate the learning that comes with mistakes
  • Validate another person’s feelings, even when those feelings aren’t awesome and are caused by something we did or didn’t do
  • Forgive others and ourselves
  • Mutually respecting ourselves AND others

Healthy relationships have little if any space for blame, shame, and condemnation. 

I used to think that the verse below meant I “did all the things” so my husband’s and kids’ lives were easy. I used to think (decades ago, thankfully) that it meant I was a perfect wife. You know, “Proverbs 31” and all that.

RD_dare-14

Since then I’ve dumped those two things. “Not harm” means nixing the shaming, blaming, condemning, contempt, nagging, complaining, disrespect, criticism, judgment, the pursed-lip eye-roll harsh tone of voice, and the “Why did you’s?” and “What were you thinking?” and “You always…” and “You never…” comments.

Part of “bringing good” is sharing the load of burdens, but also taking care of what’s mine to deal with.

It’s Biblical to deal with our own burdens, and it is Biblical to share another’s burden.

Sharing the load:

Galatians 6:2 Help carry each other’s burdens. In this way you will follow Christ’s teachings.

Philippians 2:4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Romans 15:1-2 We who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive about things like this. We must not just please ourselves. We should help others do what is right and build them up in the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 2:9 For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God.

Taking care of what’s mine:

1 Timothy 5:8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Proverbs 28:13 Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

1 Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

It’s having the mature, adult behavior to love others & self well.

We are called to grow and mature. He loves us too much to leave us the same.

Ephesians 4:15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,

I love my son’s band’s song, “Safe,” as one thing it deals with the fear of maturing. He’s getting married next week. It is all good. (His band is really good, too. Sorry for the shameless plug – I’m going through a lot of “happy/sad” as a mom this week!)

Untitled design (17)

Speaking of “good,” now that I’m older, and I see the tons of good that God manifests out of pain and hardships, I’ve redefined the word, “good.” I think it’s more in line with His, too.

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

I guess it could NOT be good if you aren’t answering with faith when you are “called according to his purpose.” If this confuses you at all, learn more about this powerful and simultaneously terrifying thought here.

I know women who don’t protect their kids from an alcoholic and abusive husband. That’s NOT good. I’m not going to start a rant disparaging men, because frankly, women aren’t any better – we all have our issues as a collective within our separate genders.

I should also mention that sometimes, maybe even often, if we are stuck in sin, part of how He wired us includes an allowance of the blame, shame, and condemnation – UNTIL we repent, which means to ask forgiveness, try to make things right with whoever we’ve hurt and God, and then change our behavior.

Psalm 38:4-6 My guilt overwhelms me–it is a burden too heavy to bear. My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins. I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.

When we keep doing the wrong things, we end up with guilt.

Who needs that?

So today, as I close after spending literally the longest time EVER writing a blog post (tough to do with a badly sprained wrist) I am choosing to look for and claim all the good things our Father gives us. I refuse blame, shame, and condemnation – for myself and others.

May we all have more abundant life and freedom as we walk out our faith!

What about you? Have you blamed, shamed, or condemned yourself or others? Have you experienced freedom from that – either sometimes or often? Would love to hear from you!

Love to you,

Nina

/ Dares

Who is to blame?

Who is to blame?

As I wrestled with the rope knot on the tarp covering our boat, two thoughts fought for the lead spot in my brain.

The first thought, given that it was Memorial Day and this used to be my dad’s fishing boat, was of the man who taught me to fish. I still admired and missed him. I let my mind wander down memory lane, fondly thinking of the man who taught me more about life and work than anyone else.

The second thought wasn’t one I wanted to entertain for long. I’d be lying if I said it was easy. The joints in my fingers and wrist were screaming from bone-on-bone arthritis making its presence remembered.

A little anger crept in as I fussed over the stubborn knot.

Anger is better than pain any day, right?

It covers sadness, fear, and discouragement pretty well.

Sort of.

Anger is more often not righteous, but rather fodder from the enemy’s fooling.

The “what if’s” started filling my head…

I’m just 49 – what if it’s worse by the time I have grandkids? How will I take anyone fishing in a decade?

What if the pain gets to the point that I can’t make dinner?

How am I going to help my kids and grandkids when my hands hardly work already?

What will this be like in ten years, given the misery I’m dealing with NOW?

I realized I’d left my time zone and present Dr. Who-style. I’d walked away from the Now I was in to where fear and frustration live, bitterness too – in the non-existent future or the unchangeable past. I fussed about both. Regrets over baton-twirling days in high school and poor college nutrition came. Thoughts of what I ate, the chemicals in my environment, and large corporations filled my head.

I began searching for someone other than myself to blame for the condition of my hands. I hopped aboard the pity-party train, fussing about connective-tissue disorders that disable us. 

I forgot all my blessings in an instant.

Too often we find ourselves fussing about what could go wrong and miss what is happening NOW. 

As I brought myself back from a future I wanted no part of and reminded myself of what is true, I paid attention to my surroundings.

I had much to be thankful for, and blaming – whether aimed at myself or someone else, wasn’t going to grow cartilage in my joints – but it could increase my pain, taint my outlook on life, and steal my joy. And the research even backs up the Bible once again… 🙂

So what was also true?

I’d lived with the pain for nearly a decade and things hadn’t gotten worse.

The sun shone in the Now I was in – so why head off to someplace that didn’t exist yet, if at all?

Why was I being unkind to myself? And others? Why was I trying to find someone to blame? 

RD_dare-12 (1)

I stopped the blaming.

When we returned from the lake, I checked the news. I saw I wasn’t the only one given to blaming this Memorial Day Weekend.

Instead of focusing on thankfulness and stories of heroes from the past that sacrificed for our freedom, I mainly saw my city of Cincinnati making news for the death of one of our zoo’s gorillas, Harambe. 

Social media displays everything from destroying the parents of the four year old who fell into the enclosure to attacking the zoo for mourning the loss.

Animal rights activists are calling for the zoo to free all the gorillas and put them in a sanctuary and Matt Walsh decided to make the incident an abortion issue. Others have started petitions to make the parents declared “unfit” for losing sight of their child, while some bloggers dish grace. Some are even trying to turn it into a race issue.

My point? I can see all the perspectives – what I’m writing about today, however has nothing to do with anything anyone else has said yet.

I want to talk about our desire to BLAME when something goes wrong – not just as individuals, but as a culture. 

What I find interesting as well, is that you can switch out the names and find people are saying exactly the same thing – about the zoo staff and the parents. “Negligent” has been used to describe both.

Unreal.

And very much like the calling card from that other guy.

My point isn’t about the issue – like most arguments, both sides have merit, while both sides could also be seen as wrong.  The Bible tells us to “have nothing to do with foolish arguments because they produce nothing but quarrels.” Look long enough, you’ll find “experts” who will say anything.

2 Timothy 2:22-23

Flee from youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But reject foolish and ignorant speculation, for you know that it breeds quarreling. And a servant of the Lord must not be quarrelsome, but he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, and forbearing.…

Titus 3:8-10

This saying is trustworthy. And I want you to emphasize these things, so that those who have believed God will take care to devote themselves to good deeds. These things are excellent and profitable for the people. But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies,arguments, and quarrels about the Law, because these things are pointless and worthless. Reject a divisive man after a first and second admonition,…

How are we doing in that regard today?  How’d we do over the weekend? 

Do you have the habit of participating in stupid and foolish arguments in your marriage?

Dare you today to be careful what you choose to argue or disagree with someone over. Division isn’t worth it – and people usually have a reason for thinking what they do – even if it isn’t what you think, it doesn’t mean they are wrong.

Dare you today to choose to be agreeable instead, searching for common ground between you and others – that’s what builds the connections we all so desperately seek. Besides – our tendency to be disagreeable is rooted in pride and our preference of being right over righteousness.

As for me, I’m trying to avoid causing more dissension. I hope our veterans got as much attention and appreciation for their service as the Zoo incident did this weekend. Did they? 

Or did we all let Satan win a round? Remember his goal is to destroy and separate – do you see how that is happening?

Dare you to forgive. More on that here if you are interested.  Need help forgiving? Try this – it’s proven.

Love to you,

Nina

Here’s a few more you might like:

How to stop the arguing

101 ways to respect your husband 

Are you a peaceful wife?

Ever wish your husband was dead?

17 life hacks for busy moms

When he doesn’t deserve respect 

 

 

 

 

 

 

/ Kids & Parenting

Is perfectionism destroying you or your family?

Is perfectionism destroying you or your family?

I have several people in my life who are battling anxiety. In a discussion with one of them recently, my friend let me know that she feels “robbed” by the anxiety, as though it actually steals something from her. Another friend’s therapist recently labeled her negative thinking as perfectionism and related it to anxiety.

Interesting.

I thought about that a lot.

I think they’re right.

I remember being perfectionistic in how I home schooled my first born. I was anxious about messing up his education. I sent him to kindergarten because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to teach him to read. When I learned that I hadn’t been doing anything wrong, that his brain just wasn’t ready until half-way through his kindergarten year – and all the light bulbs turned on then for him – that info gave me the confidence to home school my other kids for kindergarten. I was ready to teach my other two how to read, and to be patient while they learned in the timing that was right for them.

But you see how perfectionism robbed me of a cool experience with teaching my first born to read? My lack of info fed that fear, too.  Don’t miss the connection.

You know how parenting brings our best faults to light in really obvious ways? When I had a first grader and I was teaching math, I did a few major things wrong. I focused on the results with his papers and tests instead of the effort he put into them. I realized the negative effect I was having one day when I watched him take one of his tests. He didn’t know I was standing behind him.  As I watched, I realized he wasn’t even looking at the problems, he was just writing down random answers.

I asked him why he was doing that. He looked at me and said, “It doesn’t matter how I do, it’s not going to be right anyway.” My throat caught. “Why do you say that?” I asked him.

“I don’t always get a star or a chocolate,” he replied.

If he got 95% or better, I gave him a reward. Rewards were supposed to motivate kids, right?

This wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

“So you don’t feel like trying? I don’t understand,” I said, truly confused.

“I don’t know if #2 or #6 is right, so it doesn’t matter how I do on the rest. If I don’t get #2 and #6, the rest don’t matter,” he replied.

OH MY

I was raising a perfectionist.

Where did he get that?

I knew where he got it. I wasn’t raising one, however – I was creating one.

What we don’t deal with as parents in ourselves, we recreate in our children.

OUCH.

The characterflaws we ignore in ourselvesinevitably show up in our kids.Be brave.Confess. Apologize. Repent.God is in the transformationbusiness. ninaroesner.com

So I did a ton of reading about home schooling. And perfectionism.

And what I discovered shook me up pretty good.

The articles I read at the time were different, but the points were essentially the same.

Here’s a few current reads if you need to understand why it’s so detrimental to yourself, your kids, and your career.

Perfectionism is essentially the loss of the ability to see what is true. Even God didn’t shoot for perfect, He declared things done when they were “good.”

Perfectionism is over-doing what we refer to as “gap-focused thinking,” or when you live in the past, the future, or the “shoulda-woulda-coulda” instead of “the Now that currently IS.”

Instead of paying attention to the nice bunch of tomatoes you grew in your garden, enjoying each sweet, tart and tangy bite, it’s paying attention to a GAP – “If I had planted them earlier, I’d have more,” “If I only planted cucumbers, I’d also have pickles now,” “I wish they were bigger/better/more flavorful,” etc. It is sin because it denies the gift that God has given, what we DO have, and instead focuses on what we do NOT have – which basically says that what God has given or what the other person has done is not enough.

Not.

Enough.

And focusing on the gap denies us of the possible pleasures, joy, and blessings – I would even go so far as to say it denies us of the very existence of God Himself, because we squelch the Holy Spirit when we complain instead of appreciate.

We are actually doing the enemy’s work for him because he doesn’t have to work that hard to rob, steal, and destroy us or our relationships – we just hand them all over with perfectionism.

It should be no surprise that we destroy our relationships when we focus on the gap, also. No one can live up to the kind of pressure perfectionism creates and most people eventually give up trying.

It shouldn’t be surprising if you are doing the Respect Dare that we’d deal with this. Here’s the verse (my life verse, btw!) that has the power to turn things around for us all:

RD_dare-11

God has set me from from perfectionism.

I repented, confessing to God that I didn’t want to destroy my child, and begged Him to change me.

I apologized to my child, was completely honest about what I was doing and how it was wrong, and a sin against God. I let my kid know I’d asked God to forgive me and I was also asking him to forgive me.

And guess what? He did.

They both did.

There’s a fine line between being driven and being a perfectionist. It’s okay to have drive, aim high, and do your best. It’s even Biblical (Whatever your hands find to do, do with all your might, Ecclesiastes 9:10).

So yes, aim high, work hard, do GOOD.

Just don’t expect perfection from yourself or others. You’ll know you’re dealing with perfectionism because you have that whole “not enough” thing going on – either you putting it on yourself, or others putting it on you, or worse, you putting it on other people.

And watch out – it will seriously damage your marriage. 

What about you? Would love Love LOVE to hear from you on this – especially if you are also a reformed perfectionist! How did the truth in that verse impact you?

For me it was the “whatever is TRUE” part.  I’ll elaborate in the comments as we dialogue. Can’t wait to hear from you today!

Love to you,

Nina

You’ll also want to consider Boot Camp – I extended the discount of $50 til the 17th, assuming we still have spots available – and registrations are flying in!

This is like nothing else you’ve done before – the training is world-class.

I’d like YOU to pray about Boot Camp – September 7-12, 2016. More info HERE.

Are YOU called to lead women-

Room and Board is included – Check the details.  

If you feel called to lead others, to be a Titus 2 woman of influence in your neck of the woods, please seriously consider joining us in ministry. We’re training others to use the incredible discipleship method He has given us – and He’s growing ministry all around the world through women just like YOU. 

Space is limited. Grab your spot while you still can HERE. And remember to use your discount!

Boot Camp 1 (9)

Space is limited. Grab your spot while you still can HERE. And remember to use your discount of bringafriend2016 by registering by May 17!

/ Avoid Divorce

The marriage damage no one’s talking about …

There’s a thing that causes marriage damage no one’s talking about… at least not that I’ve seen much.

And someone needs to bring it up – and as God would have it, that someone this time is me.

It has to do with the attention of another MAN.

I received this via email a while back:

What do you do when the hurt & pain you endured from infidelity, lying, cheating, drunkeness, staying out all night and acting like nothing was wrong with what they were doing lasted so long that you lost all loving feelings? Now they are ready to work on the marriage, have stopped drinking and cheating, but I just don’t even care any more.  My prayer today, right before I saw the email on “Wounded”, was I pray Lord to You to summon the courage inside of me to pursue in the midst of my weariness. I exchange my strength for your strength by applying Your Word. I even noted ***ACTION REQUIRED***. But I don’t know what “action” to take other than turn it over to God and continue to deal with one situation at a time.

I desire a character change from anger, hurt, unloving feelings, irritability, sarcasm, procrastination, etc.; all towards my husband. I read that we should honor the feeble because we need them to help us understand that without God’s grace, we could be like them.

No kidding.

This isn’t uncommon. A wife (or husband) works hard, growing in her relationship with God, pursuing Him with everything she has, trying to be the best follower, wife, and mom she can be (and in that order), and still can be rejected… just like wounding can occur anyway in the referenced post above.

(Please note I am not speaking about abuse. If that is your situation, you need support and safety on a whole other level.)

So where is our hurting girl above at? This heart hardening is a thing only God can fix. A God intervening softening of the heart miracle thing only He can do – she needs to pray compassion for herself and her husband. She needs to bathe in God’s love for her so she can extend it to her husband once again. In His timing.

What a wife (or husband) does during and after that waiting time, while recovering from rejection, however, can determine whether or not the marriage can be saved. Let’s talk through a few of the options:

  1. Remain steadfast, continuing to learn, choosing to serve regardless of how she is received or rejected (Biblical)
  2. Continue doing option 1 and be open to what she might be missing (often she has unhealthy behaviors of her own, a lack of boundaries, and may be an enabler, or she is so narcissistic she can’t see her contribution) (also Biblical as an option)
  3. Take positive action given what she learns from option 2 (Biblical)
  4. Harden her heart and avoid interaction with her husband, decreasing pain in the short term
  5. Fill her life with other things/people/idols to dull the pain
  6. Consider separation or divorce (if she does this, she still must be seeking reconciliation – she can’t date or marry anyone else)

Here’s the thing few will talk about… when she’s “numb,” or “lost all loving feelings,” the marriage is super-vulnerable. If she’s living with constant negativity, criticism or abuse, even years of consistent lack of affection, she won’t realize it when it is happening, but the kindness of another man stands out to her, causing the assault of thoughts of an impure variety – and most of them are non-sexual in nature. The impure thoughts that can drive a dagger through the possibility of the marriage healing are simply fond and warm toward a man other than her husband.

That’s where they begin, anyway.

Where they lead is death.

I’ve talked with women that love God with everything they are but are in difficult marriages. They don’t want to think warmly of another man. But they find themselves doing so and are at a loss.

They are surprised.

Shocked.

“I can’t go to my dentist,” or “I look forward way too much to seeing my chiropractor,” or even, “The guy I have to work with at work is way too cute… and I don’t get it, he’s not even my type!” are some of the thoughts they have. “He is so nice to me… I’ve been so lonely for so long…”

Yikes.

Desperate for affection of any kind, they are easy prey for men who would take advantage of them in their vulnerable state.

Eye contact lingers.

A smile engages. Discussion ensues…

Then…

Enough for here.

There’s another thing few talk about… this notion that “Matthew 18 applies to marriage” (which I happen to believe, btw) – but what is often missed in Christian teaching is simply that all discussion of someone else’s sin against another needs to be done gently. Lovingly. There are many authors out there who are Christian that support “shunning” the “sinning” spouse… and given new info, many walk down this path, torch in hand, energized to “stand up for their rights” in a way that proves their “sinning” spouse is wrong… And I don’t have issue with women speaking truth in the middle of a moment, or setting boundaries… but I’ve listened to the training.

I’ve seen the results.

What they don’t know is this “shunning” and “verbal assertiveness” (which is just as often another way of labeling an unkind assault or defensiveness) has a low (less than 5%!!!) success rate in saving a marriage.

I know.

I have talked with many of the authors and counselors of these materials.

They admit they don’t save many marriages.

Why they continue is beyond me. I don’t get it.

What both of these groups need to realize is simply this: the marriage needs to be protected. A hedge, boundaries, rules, need to be employed for the  unloved and affection-starved.

At the first sign of a tempting thought, a warmth, admiration, or fondness for another man – RUN. Here’s a few verses that can help you with this:

Bad company corrupts good morals. (1 Corinthians 15:33)

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18)

The guy may be awesome – but his company is bad if you can’t capture those thoughts and tame them to the mind of Christ (and yes, this verse has many meanings).

What do you do?

RUN.

Flee.

Stop spending time with him.

Understand that if he “makes you feel good” and your husband does not, you are on a path that often ends in divorce.

And the other issue? Those that suggest “shunning?” Or the harsh verbal aggression in the name of protection?

Sorry. LONG discussion… but suffice it to say, these are NOT tools to wield at a “sinning” husband. Remember Jesus’ words, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,” and respond with love and grace.

That doesn’t mean “rolling over and taking it” or “becoming a doormat.” It does mean speaking the truth, while being gentle, loving, kind, patient… Strong. Oh, how about this verse:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

I have a much longer dialogue about Matthew 18 here and here – and most marriage experts, including the well researched Gottman method, ascribes marital failure to a husband’s unwillingness to be influenced by his wife (see the last point here), but women need to allow his influence, also – it’s part of submission. Being OPEN to our husbands.  At the end of the day, they are held “responsible” by God. So No, don’t follow them into sin (check the death of Sepphira in Acts and remember Acts 5:29) and Yes, “confront,” but it could look like a question, or a simple statement, “I know you love me (thanks Shaunti Feldhahn ((seriously read this one if you read nothing)), for all your boss research on men!!) and I am feeling hurt by our inability to connect on this issue…Can we (question that is positive oriented, like “focus on resolving this instead of what went wrong last time?” or, “talk through what we both need to happen over the holidays?” or “talk about how your work hours are effecting the family?” etc.).

So. Don’t stop respecting. 🙂 Regardless of how you are treated – love well, WHILE respecting.

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At any rate… we’re open for discussion again. 🙂 And the survey results will be up this week. Thank you SO MUCH for contributing! 🙂 Feel free to chime in about what you think of the above. Be sure to check Shaunti’s article. It’s awesome. 🙂

Love to you,

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In the meantime, and I know it can be a MEAN TIME, you might check out one or more of the following top-shared posts.

101 Ways to Love Your Wife (viral) More stats
101 Ways to Respect Your Husband (viral) More stats
How to Calm Down an Angry Husband
15 Ways to Show Disrespect to Your Husband…
Why Is Your Wife Unhappy?

Also, Boot Camp 2016 is open for registration. Raise the Bar! (the public speaking workshop) has just a few spots left, and we tend to fill up fast in the alumni tracks. If you feel led to be a Titus 2 woman using our unique discipleship method that leaves women forever changed, check it out. More info forthcoming in the next several weeks. Plus, it’s an awesome gift from your husband to you for the ministry God might be calling you to.

If you are booking retreat speakers, you can check openings  through the www.GreaterImpact.org website for more info. We typically book 12-18 months in advance.