Dare 7
Connection Step 2:
Normalizing Your Feelings
Carol sat stunned in silence as she read the paperwork the deputy handed her. She knew she had overreacted to Jessie spending too much money on the golf tournament. She knew she had upset him when he left that day, now a week ago. She had no idea he would file for divorce, however. Her chest tightened, stomach knotting, her voice escaped her.
“I’m sorry. Have a good day, ma’am.” He turned and walked back to his squad car.
What would she do? Sure, things have been rough for a while, and Jessie had been asking to make an appointment with a couple’s counselor, but were things really bad enough for him to leave? Fifteen years of marriage and three kids —and he was just going to walk away, throw it all away? He had a porn addiction, too! How dare he do this to her! Familiar anger roared through her.
What she didn’t see at all, and unfortunately this is common, is how her belittling, criticism, complaining, and lack of appreciation and affirmation had been hurting his heart. Yes, he reacted with anger, but her demeaning and disrespectful communication for the last decade had finally tipped him over. He was done. Why would he stay when he literally couldn’t win with her?
Her story is a familiar tale of missed opportunities. I have worked with so many women who single-handedly allow God to work the change in their marriages.
Men are interesting creatures, admirable, really. In most cultures they do the work no one else wants to do but is wildly necessary for society to function. They are construction workers, handymen, plumbers, bricklayers, sewer and septic workers. According to Statista.com, as of January 2024, men make up 81.2% of the Army, and 90% of the Marines. According to Spectrum News, February 2023, men make up 95% of American firefighters. Look around—are the garbage collectors in your neighborhood mostly women?
(hang in to the end for an announcement…)
It seems like women are interested in equality only in the C-Suite jobs. I haven’t heard the feminists demanding equal numbers of female bricklayers. Ever. I’m not saying we haven’t had fairness issues, but around the globe, when we examine why women make less money than men, it is generally because they work fewer hours and often in jobs that don’t have rigid requirements.
What does this have to do with Carol and Jessie?
It is my observation and opinion that our culture is overdue for some appreciation for men. No, they are not perfect, but too often, they aren’t encouraged to be men in their marriages or in our culture, and instead, they are shamed like disobedient children. More on that on another day.
What I have also observed is that men tend to tolerate a lot, and when they have had enough, they’re done. When they seek counseling or relationship help (which is uncommon but becoming more prevalent), they are serious about it. According to a cross-national study on gender differences in suicide intent (Freeman), males have been found to have a disproportionately lower rate of suicide attempts yet a higher rate of completed suicides compared to females. Meaning, men don’t attempt suicide, they commit it.
When I see a man who says he is done with his marriage, he usually means it.
Fortunately for women, if he were a man of faith, he may most likely struggle longer than someone who is not—with acting on his desire to achieve peace through the only means he then sees (divorce) as he would also be wrestling with God around the decision. As wives, it would be helpful for our marriages if we learned more about men and how they operate, so that we could be more effective in our communication with them. Understanding the impact of our emotions on them and recognizing that our behavior can sometimes remind them of their mother is important for a healthy relationship.
I don’t know about you, but for most of my life, I wasn’t even aware of my emotions. They just happened and often carried me off with them. When I started studying the Bible, I discovered that anger does not bring about the righteousness God desires from us (James 1:20), and that behaving in anger was often considered a sin (Ephesians 4:26). This made me start working harder on self-control.
I had a lot of experience suppressing my emotions, so it wasn’t that difficult for me. However, I did not realize how unhelpful those habits were. I used to vent to my friends, but I didn’t know that research shows it actually makes us more stressed and angrier.
When we vent, we’re reinforcing negative neuropathways that are not helpful for change. For our lives to change, we must change first. No one likes to hear that, but waiting for circumstances or other people to be different makes us a victim. We don’t have to sit in that seat.
After discovering the benefits of identifying and naming my emotions, I was convinced. Research shows that labeling emotions helps us manage them. This matters because when our emotions are uncontrolled, we can have too much cortisol in our brain, and that is the hormone that is good but only in small amounts. Too much cortisol can trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses, causing the loss of some executive function in our brain and a reliance instead on our amygdala, which is primarily involved in producing primitive physical survival instincts rather than relational success. This essentially means that our brains operate at the level of a lizard.
To solve problems, we need to be in the logic side of our brain. To be able to tap into the executive function when emotional, we need to tame those emotions, deal with them with the Lord, then walk out a new path, repeatedly, for our true self to be revealed—which is our identity in Christ. Men have a unique brain, one that allows them to basically put things in “boxes” and not think about them at that moment. They can separate how they feel about something and solve the problem. Women have a harder time doing this because there are more connections between the right and left sides of our brains. We need to deal with the emotions first, then solve the problem.
The Bible calls this process, “taking thoughts captive,” or “being transformed by the renewing of your mind.” It’s what changes everything. And it starts with grace.
Remember The Connection Steps?
- Be in our Now by Noticing and Naming our own feelings
- Normalize those feelings
- Receive comfort from ourselves & God
- Listen for a gentle truth from the Lord
- Take responsibility for our part in the issue
- Make a Commitment to Act with Integrity
Second Connection Step: Normalize those feelings.
While we may know about receiving grace from God and from others through their kindness or goodness, it is important that we give grace to ourselves, first by not judging ourselves, and second by not assuming that God is disappointed in us or is judging us because of what has happened. To normalize our feelings is to recognize our humanness without judgment. Doing so allows us to extend grace unto ourselves for recognizing that, as humans, we make mistakes. I believe that one of the reasons God wants us to operate in a community is because it is only by being with other people that we can be better persons—after all, iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). Together, we are wired to do better when we are connected with one another, more so as a group.
When we take a few moments to realize other humans could feel the same way we feel or have done what we have done, we are connecting ourselves to humanity as a whole. This is important as it reduces the power of feelings, helps us regulate them, and keeps executive functions working in our brains.
So today, I am encouraging you to normalize your feelings. This may seem like a wild idea—like you are letting yourself off the hook but hang with me for a second—it is a small mental exercise that helps you move closer to your ideal and vision! God’s ways are not our ways. Don’t be afraid of not judging yourself. The Bible tells us there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).
You won’t be abandoning your ethics—you will simply be choosing to extend compassion to yourself to help you heal and move forward. Here’s more info on why you need this. Check out all three aspects—you’ll see that the full compassion experience is being mindful about the true severity of our situation without diminishing it—to put things in the proper perspective.
Know this too—people simply cannot move forward while repeating the thought pathways of judgment from the past.
We have to create a forward positive vision of ourselves in order for change to happen. And this involves having grace for ourselves.
We should learn to tell ourselves that it is normal to feel the way we do: “Of course I would react this way given what I’ve been through,” and “Many others have experienced similar things,” and, “It makes sense that I’d respond like this—other people have, too.” When we are mindful of our feelings, we don’t let them carry us away. We can experience the Now we are in, without exaggerating our situation by remembering that others would probably have things worse than we do. We avoid catastrophizing our situation, minimizing it, or suppressing our emotions—all of which are unhealthy options.
As a caution though, while it may be common, or even normal to judge yourself instead of extending compassion to yourself and normalizing your emotions, it is definitely not beneficial to you. You cannot give out what you do not have within you. Choose today to receive God’s grace.
You are human, and you are going to make mistakes. You will need these mental skills if you are going to have any influence on the conflicts in your life.
Dare 7
Continue to journal about your feelings—but add normalizing your feelings to your writing. Without self-judgment, allow yourself to fully experience the compassion you can best accord yourself, normalizing your feelings in a balanced, mindful way. Help yourself understand how similar you are to the rest of humanity. This will help you stop striving to be perfect as you will realize that humans make mistakes. Jesus tells us to be perfect, just as our heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48), yet the process of sanctification leading to perfection (holiness) is a lifelong journey. Each day is step in our sanctification process through Christ Jesus. When you feel even the slightest emotion, irritation, hurt, resentment, or any negative feeling, STOP. Name that feeling—ask God what it is and then talk to Him about what happened to you that makes how you are feeling normal, how anyone would have responded the way you have. Make this a daily habit as you journal through The Connection Steps. You will definitely learn them.
BOTTOM LINE
Wise women build others up instead of destroying their homes with their own hands.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- What thoughts do you have about exploring your feelings?
- Sometimes people don’t like to normalize their feelings because it feels like they are letting themselves “off the hook.” Is this you? Why?
- What do you need to address to choose to give yourself grace in this way?
- What do you sense God is revealing to you because of this Dare?
PS – congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, perhaps you can hang in there to be part of God changing your marriage. This is the LAST WEEK to sign up for the Marriage Intensive – email me at coachnina(at)greaterimpact.org (or reply if you got this via email) and we’ll see if it’s the right solution for you. SIX MONTHS from now, your marriage can be night and day different!