3 Ways to Clean Up the Mess in Your Marriage

While there are many ways your marriage has become a mess, cleaning it up is actually a rather simple process. Not easy, perhaps, but definitely simple.

I know I have been talking about taking out the garbage a lot of late, but one of our participants wrote me recently and said that she’s been mad at her husband for not taking out the trash for months. He agreed to do this chore, and yet, she still has to empty it. When she simply asked him what was going on with that, he basically said, “You take it out before it is full. I never get to do the chore, because you always do it.” They had different definitions of “full.” He would smash the trash down in the can further, she would see it at the top and just take it out.

And of course she wasted a bunch of time thinking he didn’t love her because he wouldn’t do this one simple small thing to help out around the house. 

SO many marriage issues are around things WE don’t even see. Couples do this all the time.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

So let that tell you that as humans, we think we “know” something, or have an “urge” or an “inkling” about our partner or someone we are close to… and the problem with that is we are often wrong. According to research from University of Chicago’s Nicholas Epley, literally 65% of the time we are wrong when we think we know what our spouse is thinking.

So way #1 to clean up your marriage mess:

1 . STOP trusting your thoughts about your spouse. What this really means is to humble yourself and make a better assumption, that maybe God knows something you don’t, and the odds are that your omniscience is seriously fallible.

I am working with several people who want their spouse back and have trouble ceasing what we call, “push behaviors.” These are asks, demands, inquiries, some of which might be simple small stuff that would be normal in a healthy relationship, but when done to a spouse with one foot out the door, they simply speed up the “running them off.” Spouses who are in a mindset of being done are stuck in Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) – which needs to be neutralized. Arguing with them, making requests, etc., any kind of movement toward them (even affection) can feel like a “push.”

2. CHOOSE radical acceptance and embrace reality. Your spouse has said he doesn’t want to be with you. He criticizes literally everything you do, even if it is kind. STOP trying to interact. Accept this is where your spouse is. NSO must be neutralized, which means we let go of the notion that our spouse feels differently than they do and we give them SPACE. We are respectful, kind, positive, and work on ourselves. We don’t start conversations, don’t try to be funny, and we RESPOND to our spouse, if he even asks a question at all. We get out of God’s way so the Holy Spirit can do His work. We are agreeable, saying things like, “You might be right,” or, “I can see why you would say that.” Then work on yourself. Even if your spouse is wrong, you can’t impact that through arguing.

Whenever we blame someone else, we are sitting in the victim’s seat. Every time we focus on what the other has done wrong, maybe not even seeing what we did right before that, or minimizing it if we do, we give over the hope of change completely to THEM. They have to change for us to be okay. This never works. And it isn’t Biblical.

³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

3. Decide what you can take responsibility for and DO something different. No matter what is going on in a relationship, we can sit around blaming, OR we can lead ourselves by taking responsibility for our action or lack of it in a moment and then show up differently. To fail to do this makes us a victim controlled by the choices of others. I would even suggest that if to live is Christ, and we are being transformed into His likeness, then we would seek Him as our internal compass – our values would come from Him.

None of this is easy.

But it is fairly simple. And when people get it, I see relationships start to change, and the spouse is drawn back in.

Let me know if you’ve experienced any of this, and what advice you would offer!

Love to you,

Nina

PS… if you are looking for some help, check out our free space at https://greaterimpactwives.org , scroll down to the bottom and grab our FREE space for Strength & Dignity.

You might also be interested in this podcast episode: