3 Reasons People Will Tell You to Divorce – and Why You Still Should NOT
Her therapist AND her pastor encouraged her to block her husband on social media, cancel the romantic dinner date they had scheduled, and head to the lawyer’s office to file for divorce. “He is a narcissist,” the therapist had told her, without even meeting him. “He will never change,” came the verdict from her pastor.
His crime?
He forgot her birthday.
Nevermind that his business was in serious trouble and he lost his biggest customer the week before. Both of them had been struggling with the marriage while trying to raise four kids, support his business efforts, and continue to unpack after their recent move. He had meant to stop at the store the day his son threw up in his car with the flu, and during the whole week before her birthday, he was faced with multiple issues with his aging mother’s declining health. He was overwhelmed and forgot.
I’m not making excuses for the guy – he did seem to have a lot of opportunities in the “show my wife I love her,” category, but that IS the struggle most men face – hence God’s command to “Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it;” (Ephesians 5:25).
Her responses usually weren’t much better than his efforts as she led with complaint and criticism, clearly needing to work on “and the wife must respect her husband,” (Ephesians 5:33b).
And in typical fashion, her therapist and pastor only got her side of the story, and moved by her tears, felt capable of levying judgment on a soul who is also as precious to God as she is.
I don’t want to seem like I’m docking therapists or pastors – they are actually generally awesome people who really care for others, hence the professions they’ve chosen. What’s also true is that care sometimes leads people down a path they shouldn’t take. Same as this woman’s mother, sister, and best friends, all of whom were encouraging her to divorce.
And crazy as I sound, I’m told often, “You’re the only one bringing me hope that this can be salvaged.”
I should mention the couple has been fired by three couple’s counselors. Divorce was recommended by two of them, as the marriage was “unreconcilable.”
I get this. And I’m not faulting people. But couple’s counseling fails more times than it works because the couple is brought into the counseling office, the problem of the week is dissected, blame and tears ensue, and they leave feeling worse than they did when they got there. The data is IN from Gottman’s people – this does NOT WORK. When couple’s coaching or therapy DOES work, it is because of very specific proven interventions being implemented and unfortunately it seems not enough people know what they are. That’s a post for another day. But for now, let’s look at a few reasons professionals and everyone around you will tell you to bail. There are more than three reasons people will tell you to divorce, but in situations like the above, here are the most common ones I’ve seen:
- “He’s a narcissist.” That’s statement should be a psychological assessment based on actual interaction with the person being diagnosed, using a diagnostic tool learned in a two-year master’s program. Your mother doesn’t have that training, and a counselor that dishes that to you without even meeting your spouse should be questioned. Here’s why – they only see your side. YOU only see your side !! – so what you are presenting is literally HALF of the truth – or less. What’s also true is we are ALL seriously selfish and that’s what narcissism is. Boundaries, while initially unpleasant, typically fix this problem – because most of the time we aren’t dealing with mental illness but a lack of maturity.
- “He will never change.” This is the ultimate judgment upon another person. NONE of us have the right to sit in the judgment seat… and believe me, I’ve done it, but it is also SIN on our part. Consider the words of Christ in Matthew 7:1-2: Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. What “He will never change,” really decrees is “God isn’t powerful enough to change this guy.” I’ve seen a TON of marriages healed and people changed dramatically – often after being stuck for many years. Let’s not limit God.
- “I got nuthin’ else, therefore, since I’m so wise, this must not be fixable.” I believe this is a subconscious thought professionals and those who love us and mean well have when they’ve shared all they know to help, and it hasn’t, so they make the assumption it isn’t fixable. This is a lack of faith, a lack of hope, a sad place of determining the outcome while there is still breath. It took Sarah 25 years to get pregnant after God promised her and Abraham a son. It took Noah 100 years to build the Ark and the flood to come. It took Moses 40 years for an 11 day trek across the desert. Jesus said He was coming back “soon” 2000+ years ago… where do we get off being so arrogant? One of the reasons my husband and I hung in there when things were tough for us was above all else, we believed God. And the Lord helped us in our unbelief, also. He IS in the transformation business – He STILL brings life abundant, sets the captives free, brings sight to the blind. Of the many people out there who help those struggling in marriage, we are some of the few who walk with people who believe God above their circumstances. And I’ve personally experienced His relational healing, AND I’ve seen Him heal many other marriages. God is still working – and where two people believe in Him, there are miracles coming if they don’t give up.
Here’s why you should consider staying in your marriage – and I know this isn’t a popular opinion…
(I also don’t know the specifics of your situation, so no, this isn’t marriage advice specific to you, just something to consider and seek Him about!)
Everywhere you go, there you are. Second and third marriages fail at even higher rates than first marriages because the REAL issues that got you into this mess in the first place are STILL THERE. Within YOU. And you still don’t know what to do to handle them. So instead of tearing up the covenant you made with God (and tearing up your family in the process) why not LEARN His ways here? They are much higher than our own, hard even, but let’s at least CHOOSE our hard. Divorce is hard. working on your marriage is also hard, but will change you into Christ’s likeness if you pursue holiness. Even if you don’t save your marriage, you will be forever changed as you have a great opportunity right now to learn what you need to learn and become more like Him.
SO many things that are wrong in a marriage ARE fixable. AND – guess what? They just so happen to be the things we need to learn anyway to walk in His ways.
So after chatting with someone who thinks you should throw your spouse away since you can’t figure things out, I double-dog-dare you to reach out to me. You likely haven’t tried what we suggest. And NO, it isn’t a course in becoming a doormat and getting walked on, learning to suffer even more, or setting your bra on fire and steam rolling over your spouse either. It’s following God in specific small ways consistently over time – ways we’ve seen dramatically impact the people and marriages we work with. Is it easy? Not at first. And maybe off and on not so easy either. It IS simple, however, as He wants us to get it. What you’re doing now isn’t easy, either. At least you know this is a better way, one which will lead you to a deeper connection with God, yourself and others.
Know that I’m praying for you and we have a free space for you and a little pdf to help you get started. If you are ready for a change for the better (instead of a change running away from your current hard) join us! https://greaterimpactwives.org (free course at the bottom of the page).
Love to you,
Nina
PS… has your husband decided he is done? Let’s talk. When men get to this point you don’t have much time. You may be able to turn this around. If you got this in email, just respond, if you read it on the blog, just reach out to coachnina@greaterimpact.org and let’s visit!