THE One Thing to STOP Now to Change Your Relationships.
Are YOU making this common communication mistake? If you want to have real influence in someone’s life, STOP doing this one thing that is sabotaging your relationships.
Lee pressed the phone receiver against his ear and with his finger plugged the other ear in an effort to hear the woman on the end of the phone. She had advertised a free refrigerator which his wife, Jan, thought would be a good idea for the summer. But Jan, wouldn’t stop talking, giving advice actually, and Lee’s frustration was growing.
(Tune into today’s podcast “What To Say and How To Say It” with Nina Roesner of Greater Impact.)
“Lee, tell her your name!”
“What? Oh, yes. Sorry. I’m Lee.”
“And make sure you use the straps to secure the refrigerator.”
“Yes, Jan. I know. Now, please, let me talk.”
Despite Lee’s pleas, Jan continued interrupting. Finally, he secured the address, hooked up his trailer and made his way to collect the refrigerator, all the while fuming.
“Does she think I don’t know I could do this with my eyes closed!” Lee said to no one in particular as he drove along the winding road. He was happy to do these small tasks for Jan, but sometimes he wished she understood how her unsolicited advice made him feel disrespected and resistant to helping her.
It’s Only Natural…
Offering advice is a natural inclination for many of us, especially when we have knowledge or experience to impart in a particular area. What we often fail to understand is how our unsought offerings are disrespectful and create resentment. Or perhaps you find yourself in situations where you feel you are “Casting your pearls before swine.” (Proverbs 18:13)
(Tune into today’s podcast “What To Say and How To Say It” with Nina Roesner of Greater Impact.)
If you are bent on giving advice and feeling good by solving people’s problems for them, know this is counter-productive. Gottman’s research even says so.
For parents, teenage rebellion and lack of influence are often the outcomes of giving advice which in effect, robs kids of the positive reward system designed by God. Dopamine, the motivational hormone, is released when we discover a course of action on our own, without being told it. Someone telling us what to do gives them dopamine, but it doesn’t provide the listener with dopamine, hence the lack of motivation to take action. All people, regardless of what age they are, long to create their own lives. We not only rob them of dopamine, but autonomy and esteem when we tell others what to do.
If you want to have more influence in other people’s lives, ask them what they think they should do, what they’ve done in the past, how that’s gone, or what they think a wise friend in a similar situation would do. Coach them. Avoid resentment and enter the realm of trusted advisor by NOT giving advice and watch your influence increase.
Would you like to learn how to encourage others in a way that honors them and creates deeper connection? Then tune into today’s podcast “What To Say and How To Say It” with Nina Roesner of Greater Impact.
What about you?
What are YOUR thoughts about giving advice? Chime in and let us know here!
Love to you,
Nina
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PS – Want more? We have openings for you in another run-through of the Strength & Dignity eCourse for wives – l hope you can join us! 🙂
NOTE: I want to apologize to our readers who may be offended in any way by the story. It was one submitted to me for use here, and I’d like to make the point that either male or female could be the “critical one” in the relationship. I don’t mean to stereotype or offend by what was submitted. Please know you can submit your own stories for consideration in future blog posts (you don’t need the whole lesson, just the story) by contacting me here.