I know I have wondered what to say & how to say it.
You know, those freak-out moments where you stand deer-in-headlights style wondering what just happened, shocked at what’s been said, done, or discovered…
and there’s a moment of fight-flight-freeze, and it’s all motivated by not knowing what to do…
I know you understand it, and I hate that for you. For myself, also.
And… after 30+ years of working in the communication training industry, both with Dale Carnegie training and Greater Impact, I can tell you there are some things I’ve learned that the average Joe doesn’t know, AND they’re NOT concepts taught in graduate school!
I have struggled in my relationships until I learned these things. I’m not perfect, but I can literally say I’m at peace everywhere. Even in relationships that aren’t where I’d love them to be, I can still be at peace and have joy.
You can, too.
Two Tips Worth Their Weight in Gold – Research by the Gottman Institute
Tip #1 giving the benefit of the doubt is a key in happy marriages. If we have a negative view and think the worst, guess what? We’ll often create that, even if our partner isn’t guilty of what we think they are – relationships can’t stand up to the stress of accusation. Decide your spouse’s motive for not emptying the dishwasher is because they are having an affair and sure enough, you might end up actually creating that reality over time. Living with someone who thinks critically instead of being positive about you can be exhausting to deal with and damages relationships.
Gottman’s research also indicates that 91% of the time we aren’t emotionally available to our partner. That leaves slim chances of effective communication and high chances of miscommunication – unless you are using Tip #2 setting a good time to talk, which is one of our basic tenants of wise communication. Think about it – just because you are ready to have a deep conversation doesn’t mean the other person is. They will more often than not feel attacked and respond defensively, especially if they were mentally engrossed in something else. If you set a time that works for both of you, everyone shows up as their best self, mentally ready for the conversation. I’ve seen this small technique dramatically impact relationships over and over again – sounds small, but again, relationships are made up of the small moments. Trust is built in the small moments (so says Gottman’s research, anyway).
It’s a thing.
Help is On the Way
I used to be uninformed, and many people don’t know this stuff. So I want to help.
We’ll be posting something new starting July 20 – the What to Say & How to Say It Podcast – 40 Dares to mutually respectful relationships. You can subscribe to the Podcast here on Charisma Media. It is a deep dive into current research and Biblical concepts to help us interact in ways that honor God.
I also promised to post the content of my new book, currently titled the same. That will start showing up soon, also, if you already receive this in your inbox.
At any rate, I’m both excited and a little nervous – new stuff, people don’t like change, even when it’s good, so while I’m excited, I’m feeling a little “out there” as this is the stuff that we’ve seen really impact relationships. Fail or succeed in these areas and you can see how it impacts!
And me too.
I’m still working on being more like Jesus and will be til I die. I learned today that some denominations disagree with the sanctification “process” and believe we are completely transformed the moment we believe. I believe that, AND I believe my brain and body need practice in real-time for me to yield to the Holy Spirit in every interaction, hello. I’ve also got some self-limiting beliefs and lies I’ve bought into planted by our enemy – unless those pieces of the Bible aren’t true, and I’m just supposed to have been perfected all the way around once I believed. I’m not seeing any evidence of that in this world. Or maybe I’m missing something. What do YOU think?
Love to you,
PS – we have openings in our Strength & Dignity Wives online eCourse, and space for you in Greater Impact Coaching!
Setting a good time to talk makes all the difference! If one person is hungry, tired, stressed, already focused on something else, forget about it! This is not a good time to have an important conversation. I have made this mistake many times, not being patient. Patience and trust is needed; in the right time, the conversation will happen. Forcing it puts the other person up against a wall- not mutually respectful.
I think sanctification and regeneration are a process. Scripture seems to support this according to this statement: Ephesians 4:21-24 ESV
Assuming that you have heard about Him and were taught in Him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
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