Our culture talks about conflict in a multitude of ways… normalizing damaging behaviors, labeling others as narcissistic, abusive, toxic, etc. Many of us were raised in homes where conflict escalated into something worse than unhealthy and actually became damaging because it was toxic.

According to Partners in Prevention:

(I’d also like to note that according to the CDC, nearly 1 in 7 men are also physically attacked in intimate relationships) What’s toxic? If it poisons who you are, if it wears away your identity like acid, it’s toxic. Should we be able to stand up to this and know who we are regardless? SURE. If we are more aware of Jesus than anything else in life, but who can bear up under relentless accusation for years? Who keeps Christ perfectly in front of them at all times and listen only to Him? Humans aren’t great at this.

So let’s dig in. Maybe you aren’t aware of what it can look like in the smalls. Here are a few situations to evaluate. Where do you see the toxic conflict? (not all of them have toxicity, but could)

Dana didn’t know what she could do to fix the relationship with her mother-in-law. Seemed like every encounter resulted in miscommunication, the latest leaving her son stranded at hockey practice. Dana thought Gramma was picking him up, Gramma thought she had politely said, “no,” to the request.

When Mikael asked her husband about the charges on the credit card and cash he withdrew from their checking account, he explained that it was all for work and that he would be reimbursed. Two months later, she still hadn’t seen any deposits replacing the withdrawals. When she asked, he repeated they would get reimbursed and that it took time. The more she asked, which has now become monthly, the more irritated he acts until this morning when he yelled at her.

Billie and her husband hardly spoke at all, and when they did, it was usually him complaining about political issues. She couldn’t agree with some of the things he said but didn’t know what to say to keep her truth and not anger him more. When he pressed her with, “Don’t you agree they are stupid?” after a rant about a political group’s behavior over the weekend, she paused, and he said, “You are clueless. And as stupid as they are. Can’t even answer a simple question. I don’t know why I keep you around.” She tried to defend herself by saying, “I was just thinking about it all. I’m …” He interrupted her, “You’re just trying to look good now!” Her anger grew and she retorted, “You are so arrogant! You never let me get a word in!” And they were off… spinning in a cycle of defensiveness.

Zoey walked into the bedroom and demanded, “Who have you told about our marriage counseling?” Bob sat stunned, wondering what she was talking about. Had something happened? She knew he had asked for prayer at church, but she was there for that, so this made no sense to him. He didn’t know what to say. Before he could ask what she meant, she continued, “You just want to humiliate me in front of everyone. Who are you telling about our personal business?” Bob said, “You were with me when I put it on the prayer requests last weekend. I didn’t give a lot of details. You told me I could do it and I told you what I wrote? What’s your problem?” The issue escalated and they spent 20 minutes yelling at each other about past wrongs, until she said, “You’re just like your father” and stormed out of the house. “She’s paranoid,” he thought to himself, then “I wish I knew how to make her happy. She’s so cruel and triggers me and I don’t know what to do or say. I’m such a failure…”

Joannah felt like a single mom, even though she was married. She worked part-time a few nights a week but also spent most of the day raising their four kids. It was time to ask Joe to be available to spend more time with the kids. She thought of his perspective, the long hours he put in daily in a stressful job, and how difficult it was to feed everyone when she left for work close to dinner time. She thought about how it might be helpful to have the kids help her make dinner before she left, and that way all he would have to do is clean up with them, and hang out, help with homework, and get the 10-year-old to baseball practice a few times a week. She might even be able to arrange rides to make that easier, too. “Joe, I appreciate how hard you work, and I want to talk about a problem we have that I need your help with. The kids aren’t getting much supervision and they are starting to get into trouble while I’m gone, so I’m wondering what you think would be helpful?” They then had a discussion about his need to de-stress after work, and he liked the idea of her making dinner for them. They talked for about 20 minutes and worked out what worked best for the whole family.

Where do you see toxic conflict showing up? I’ll chime in on Wednesday with what I see, but I’ll give you a hint – some of us are dishing a lot of what I call, “Identity Language.” This is where we blame other people, using “you-language” instead of “I-language.”

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1) “You are a terrible driver,” or “You just like scaring me while you drive,” and

2) “I feel afraid when I ride with you.  I’m not saying you are a bad driver, I’m just nervous right now.”

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In #1, we are using “Power Over Identity Language,” labeling the whole person as a “bad driver” and deciding we can be inside their head and read their thoughts and assign negative motives to them. That’s crazy. No one can read anyone’s mind – and behavioral scientists say that people who do this frequently are actually “projecting” what they actually think or do themselves, or are seeing the other person in an unhealthy, objectified way. The combination of the Power Over Identity Language PLUS criticism of a hobby you have that they don’t, or a viewpoint you hold that the other person doesn’t that upsets them, can indicate a significant lack of emotional maturity. It’s toxic in a relationship. Power Over Identity Language will often attempt to remove choice and freedom by bringing with it a command, like “Slow down right now!” It assumes a position of authority and superiority. (as an aside, sometimes these things are labeled “criticism,” and that’s also accurate.  All criticism comes from an attitude of superiority. It also demeans the intelligence, skill, or character of the other.)

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#2 is also Identity Language toward ourselves, respectful of the other, and in a healthy way. This is Respectful Identity Language, respecting self and others. It doesn’t blame the other person, allows freedom of choice without condemnation and it takes responsibility. The driver is still free to choose without pressure to be someone else, or accused of bad character, and is free to love in response. If they don’t, that is also their choice, and the rider may likely choose to not ride with them again since they were not taken into consideration.

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When we look at how happy couples do marriage, we can check in with Dr. John Gottman’s research. He’s been studying the same 400 couples for decades. He’s found that happy couples have a 20:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. During conflict, they have a 5:1 ratio of positives to negative interactions. How are you doing with this? It means we need to be sharing appreciation, praise, gratitude, etc., giving out compliments, pointing out strengths, a LOT MORE. Death to criticism, stonewalling, contempt, and defensiveness, and build the friendship, share admiration, build trust by receiving influence (check the 81% stat!), etc.

Love is always a maturity judgment call. Do we do what we find fun or what makes us happy or do we serve the other person? Is our need to drive fast in our hot car more important than our mother’s discomfort? Maturity and character will reveal themselves in these small moments in every relationship out there, starting in the dyads in our homes, branching into our communities, our states, and our nation.

Research shows that power corrupts, but is dependant on the character of the individuals involved. If we need power, we need to know it will destroy our relationships. Right now, I am praying for all of us. Fear facilitates a need for control, which is an attempt to have power over circumstances. You can see how that is impacting many things right now.

Where do you see Identity Language issues in the stories and in your relationships, or even our political situations right now?  I’ll be back Wednesday to talk more about this. In the meantime, here is a space that can help if you are struggling, come learn a better way: Joined Together.