Do you just LOVE the negative environment you’re in? Enjoying the constant complaining, criticizing, and condemning that’s going on?
I didn’t think so…
Wish you could change the atmosphere?
You know the feeling, sitting around the dinner table, everyone talking about their day, but instead of a “this is what happened to me,” in a positive light, it’s more of a “you won’t believe what so-and-so said/did,” and please add the “you idiot” tone of voice. You want to connect, so you chime in with something positive, “Well, at least it wasn’t (insert other horrible thing),” which doesn’t help, because even though your heart is in the right place, you are positive arguing (and people then get more defensive and argue back – think about it, has it worked?) Bottom line, you’re still adding more negative vibe, and that’s not what you want, is it?
What if you could impact your family with the application of a few simple sentences? What if you changed the way you interacted and could be more effective as a communicator? Here’s just a small tip, give it a try, and let me know how it goes…
*Update* But before we get started, please check your tone! This post is written with the intent of a bit of humor, but I’m not suggesting you assume the position of all-knowing counselor or parent, but rather you choose a position of inquisitiveness, genuine and sincere interest in the other person – yes that is my Dale Carnegie Trainer coming out, and yes, you will have to actually choose to be interested and genuine sometimes! Your tone should be soft, interested, and not at all condescending. I was told in the comments that my attempt at humor comes across as corrective, so I amended this post a bit to help with that. Probably won’t be trying that again any time soon LOL 😂
Instead of disagreeing with your cast of complainers, do these two things in order:
- Empathize – remember this is the articulation of the other person’s experience, NOT agreement. It’s an advanced communication skill. “That’s lousy,” or, “UGH! That was hard!” and, “How are you feeling about that?” then listen and give more genuine empathy. Please note that we are loving well when we remember that ALL of God’s children are precious to Him – so check your heart and ask Him for help if this feels at all insincere. We should actually be interested in another’s point of view, lest we think we are the expert. Who knows what we can learn here?
- Ask a Hopeful Question – this moves the person from their miserable past into a more positive potential future. “What would you like to happen next time?” or, “What would you like to see instead?” are both good options. “How would you have liked it to have gone?” or, “”What were you hoping for instead of what happened?” Then listen. Empathize. If they cycle back into the negative again, rinse well, repeat.
Let me know how it goes!
Can I trouble you to please pray for me and the ministry? I’m working on a new experience for wives, well, honestly all communicators, but you know I care a lot about marriage! And if you want to learn how to have these skills play out in an impactful way, consider joining in our Strength & Dignity eCourse.
Love to you,
Nina
“Agree with your enemy quickly in the way” Matthew 5:25…I have found it helps to try to start from a point of something you can agree with that they are saying. So often in conflicting thoughts we can sound opposing everything instead of offering a perspective that might open a bigger picture.
Yes! You are so right! If you are trying to change their mind, or if you are going to disagree because it is important that they know you have a different opinion, we should always start with common ground. It deflates defensiveness rapidly. 🙂 a ton of the things we disagree about don’t really even matter in the long run, also.
Love to you,
Nina
Hmm. I think that if someone used a tactic on me like that, I would be intelligent enough to recognize it for what it is, a corrective tactic whereby the other person is pinpointing my behaviour as incorrect and attempting to lead me to what they believe is correct.
I know folks who think they have a better bead on things than I do who speak like this and frankly it is annoying and insulting. Saying things like “And how do you feel about that? or what would you like to see happen instead? sounds exactly like you are sitting on the counselor’s couch and being counselled, which is automatically a one up sort of stance to take with another person.
I want to hasten to add that I don’t think this article intends to be condescending, that isn’t the desired outcome, but I am pretty sure if you approach someone who is being negative like this it will sound exactly that way. Corrective and censorious.
Typically evangelical Christian if you know what I mean. I’ve heard it said that we are supposed to come across like one hungry beggar telling another where to find food, but often we Christian types seem to like to come across as if we are actually the baker whose job it is to instruct other ignorant persons on how to bake a plain loaf of bread. Do we REALLY have to be the sin police and try to correct everything ? I see danger here in assuming responsibility and control that is perhaps appearing to be godly but may be not.
I do agree with the idea of empathizing though. Just thinking one has to be very careful with motive and delivery. Do we really want to be of help? Nothing wrong with relating and asking the other person where they are at in the process of dealing with something that makes life not much fun. Or are we actually being judges with devious motives, coming across like we want to help but really we’ve judged them to be negative complainers and now think its our job to correct them?
Did they ask us for this or give us permission to do so? There is nothing wrong with asking if they want to brainstorm ways of staying out of the fray or asking them how its affecting them as a way of opening the conversation without having the motive of correcting. Some folks actually do this because its a standard and accepted way of “talking shop”, just bantering about work. They aren’t meaning to be negative, but actually feel they are just being normal and grousing about work which everybody does.
Most people are smart enough to realize when they are being corrected no matter how nicely we cloak it or how politically correct our delivery is. The intent of this article is good and I agree with it, but I would suggest being very careful about motives and delivery in dealing with a situation like this and really asking God what He would have you convey first. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve taken it upon myself to address something with the best of motives ( and sometimes not realized that my motives weren’t as holy as I thought) and made things worse instead of better. That’s agonizing and distressing. Inquiring of the Lord first never hurts.
Patricia –
I fully agree – and I can see why you got the perception you did from the tone of the post. I was attempting some tongue-in-cheek humor, but I can see how it could come across as condescension and correction. I didn’t realize the offensive potential of the post and appreciate your feedback. I actually agree with what you said, and I have other posts that mention asking permission to give advice, but that really wasn’t where I was going. Nothing in me believes we should parent other adults. This was meant as a connecting opportunity, in which empathy and good questions, ones that help us more deeply understand the other person, do.
Honestly I have been inconsistent with blogging lately, so I shouldn’t be surprised that my heart isn’t visible in a post. Perhaps I’m also a bit rusty in writing and am thinking deeply about the perception I gave you. It grieves me, and it is my own fault, and I am pondering this information. I added a few lines to the post to clarify the tone, as I clearly miscommunicated.
I feel called by God to educate about communication skills, and admit some expect both Biblical teaching and communication tips in the same posts. I have non-Christian followers who seem to appreciate the practical advice (which is Biblically based) and feel called to approach blogging and ministry in this way. Nevertheless, I appreciate the rebuke and am chewing on your thoughts.
Love to you,
Nina