Deflating Defensiveness in 2018
My marriage isn’t easy, but I married a really wounded man, he was neglected as a child, and those wounds show up in his lack of trust that anyone is ever really there for him. Without learning how to speak the language of respect and deal with his hyper-defensiveness, our marriage and family would have blown up years ago. I had no idea how hurt this big hulk of a man really is… I’ve learned how to create intimacy and deepen the relationship as a result of Deflating Defensiveness! We literally would be divorced had I not found this! ~ Sarah, Ohio
When I get communication like the above, it completely freaks me out. Her marriage still isn’t a walk in the park, but it is still together. And she’s learned a ton about who she is and how to really help someone, how to love… it’s beautiful.
A few of Jesus’ last words on the cross were, “forgive them, Father, they know not what they do,” and He also was referring to US – not just the annoying people we deal with. We also get defensive, we also have moments when we say something mean, put ourselves ahead of someone else, easily get our feelings hurt, don’t give the benefit of the doubt… I’m not just talking about myself here am I? I wish I was perfect… I know you do, too… but we aren’t. We are also those people who “know not what they do.”
One of the biggest challenges we face is getting our identities wrapped up in the opinions of others.
You know what I mean, that nervous feeling we get when someone isn’t happy with us?
We can’t sit in their uncomfortable feelings of sadness or anger and take it upon ourselves to “fix it…” because WE don’t have a solid identity in who God says we are – we are bent instead on pleasing people.
I’ve stood in the throat caught, chest tight space between two choices in front of me… neither seeming good, one clearly upsetting to someone else…
…and I struggled.
I had a few contexts where I lost who I was born to be. Cared too much about other people’s opinions, literally forgetting who I was in those situations in my life. With just a few important people in my life, I lost my backbone, and over the years, allowed a few others to define me when with them.
Often I would do whatever caused them the least amount of stress, discomfort, or displeasure.
I didn’t even ask God what He wanted me to do most of those times.
I made their approval my God.
What I didn’t know for many years, is that people-pleasing has its own bitter end – the destruction of one’s sense of self. God pulled me out of that, however, and I literally was (and am being) reborn into a new person, one who knows who she is, Whose she is, why she is here, and most importantly, how to be that girl in the midst of other people’s disapproval, lack of support, discomfort, and even contempt.
I’ve found many who respect this new me, the me I am born to be, and best of all, I respect myself.
Like The Respect Dare, like With All Due Respect, and Daughters of Sarah, God had me in class for YEARS learning. Those books and classes are all marriage and parenting, but my Deflating Defensiveness personal training course from God began when I was 13 years old and started working for my dad in his radio stations. Given that I’m over a half-century old, this baby’s been in the works for a while… and we launched it in September 2017.
We are all called to be in ministry whether at home, in our church family or the community in general. This program gives you practical help in showing you how to navigate difficult relationships by fostering healthy conflict resolution and modelling empathy to build stronger relationships within your home and within your communities. This is a 5-Star experience, to be sure! ~ Sandi
I was struggling in my relationships and did not know how to fix it or what I was doing wrong. I needed answers and support. I needed to know I was not alone in my situation. The knowledge and practicing techniques experience I gained during those 4 days has made a huge difference in communication in my relationships and has humbled me to accept instruction with a willingness to be part of a solution. Friendships made while there gave me courage to move forward in the work of improving my relationships. ~ Kathy
We all have challenging relationships with family and friends. The skills we learned are helping us to keep these conversations on a positive level. It is empowering to know that we can interact with someone who is being negative, hear their issues and have them resolved in a positive way for both parties. The time spent in class, break out sessions and personal reflection was well balanced. My faith has been strengthened and I am more confident in many areas of my life. These 4+ days have changed my life. ~ Eileen
I want to invite you to do something meaningful this year. I want to invite you to deflate the defensiveness in your life. I am inviting you to create relationships of mutual respect, regain your self-respect, and connect with God in a way like never before.
Fix your marriage.
Avoid teenage rebellion.
Dare you to join us. We already have people registering – get your spot while you can, and I can’t wait to be part of your journey!
Love to you,