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March 26, 2017 / Avoid Divorce

Unconditional Respect – Shouldn’t Husbands Have to Earn Respect??

Unconditional respect – Shouldn’t husbands have to earn respect?

Late for an appointment, Jim and I sped down the freeway in the fast lane.  Seeing our exit coming, I wondered if I should say something. Normally I wouldn’t have hesitated, but I’d been reading a book that indicated correcting your husband’s driving was NOT respectful.

I knew Jim would be angry if we were late, but I wanted to honor God, and wondered if what this book said was true.  Maybe it would or wouldn’t be a thing in my marriage. So I simply asked, “Baby, if I were to tell you that is our exit, would you consider that disrespe—”

Before I could get the rest out, he crossed three lanes of traffic, stopped at the red light and looked at me quizzically. “What are you reading NOW?”  Listening to my dilemma, he explained, “If you had said, ‘You IDIOT, you’re going to miss our exit,‘ I would have felt disrespected. But for you NOT to tell me – well, that’s not being my friend.  I rely on you to be my friend.”

What I learned from that simple exchange was this:  respect is spoken in marriage most effectively when we wives ask questions and to understand our own spouse.  I’ve had many women over the years ask me for advice, and I have often replied, “I’m not married to your husband.  Why don’t you ask HIM what he thinks or feels about that?”

But there was also a bigger learning – respect doesn’t mean we don’t have communication about certain things or that we have to  I ask questions all the time, while that can be helpful, especially with hyper-defensive people.

Love & Respect is really more about being gentle in how we talk to others – especially in marriage. 

God knew what He was doing when He commanded husbands to love their wives – they don’t instinctively love us unconditionally.  God feels so strongly about men loving us well that He tells them their prayers will be hindered if they don’t.  In the same way, wives’  unconditional respect for husbands doesn’t come naturally, so God specifically tells us to do so.  Ephesians 5:33 is pretty specific to both parties, regardless of the “it must be earned” culture that we live in.

Earn Respect vs Unconditional Respect

Our choice as godly wives is simple:  1) wait for our husbands to magically earn respect, or 2) unconditionally respect them.  We’ve seen marriages and families dramatically and permanently changed through the wife’s application of respect.

Maybe the question isn’t, “Shouldn’t he have to earn it?” But rather, “Am I a respectful person?”

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15

Dare ya.

What about you? How do you walk this out? And how does respecting yourself play into these things? Let’s talk – you can leave comments below.

Love to you,

Nina

Want more? Check out this link:

15 Ways to Show Disrespect to Your Husband

Read how the novel about 6 wives’  journey through the Respect Dare began:

Dare to Respect – a Novel by Tammy Oberg De La Garza 

 

 

 

Want to see how earning respect plays out in relationship with your teens?

Me and My Big Mouth – Debbie Hitchcock blog

 

 

 

Lead women? Want to lead studies that forever change women and have results that stick? Find out more here:

Titus 2 Boot Camp:  September 7-10, 2017

 

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  1. Pingback: Self-Respect + Respect for your husband helps your marriage... - Join the RESPECT Dare for Married Women - with author & trainer, Nina Roesner
  2. wendy harris says:
    March 27, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    I know men can be drawn to look at a woman if she’s beautiful and it’s okay as long as their thoughts don’t go further into that. But what about if your husband even looks at a younger girl like a teenager in that way? should that be talked about?

    1. Nina says:
      March 29, 2017 at 11:45 am

      Wendy –
      It depends. Is it a glance? Is it frequent? Does he have mentors that teach him to “bounce his eyes” and is this someone that lives with you? Leering is always inappropriate. There’s not a lot to go on here with your question, but if you are wondering, it might be good instinct – or insecurity. I’m praying about this for you!

      Love to you!

  3. Becca says:
    March 27, 2017 at 9:07 am

    GREAT advice! So many times – SO MANY – I will do something to be a “better” wife, and my husband will say the same thing – WHAT ARE YOU READING NOW?! And I can’t fathom why he’s getting upset because I’m reading blogs trying to figure out how to make things better. But he doesn’t always agree with everything I’ve read. He also gets frustrated when I get frustrated that he isn’t responding the way “Article XYZ” says he should.
    Maybe the better idea would be to ask questions to try to better understand MY husband. Maybe I need to learn what respect looks like to HIM. Thank you! This may seem like a little thing, but I think it’s going to be huge.

    1. Nina says:
      March 29, 2017 at 11:45 am

      I think it is huge, too! 🙂

  4. sandi says:
    March 27, 2017 at 8:10 am

    Hi Lmsdaily,
    I wonder if you’d benefit from Nina’s Strength and Dignity eCourse? Sounds like you’ve been really working yourself and your relationship with the Lord for a couple years now, so it may be time to work on some loving boundaries. Also, as I’m sure you already know, the Audience of One sees your hard work and is please even when your husband fails to appreciate it. 🙂 I’d encourage you to pray about the Strength and Dignity course. He’s a link if you want some info.
    http://ninaroesner.com/strength-dignity-ecourse/
    Blessings,
    Sandi

  5. Lmsdaily115 says:
    March 27, 2017 at 6:15 am

    I have been on the respect journey for over 2 years now. Although I am so grateful with what I have learned and that I know I can be a much better wife having finally understood the need to a man to be respected, I am struggling. I really do practice respect and it becomes more and more natural, I still get nothing back. I’m not being respectful to “get something back”, but 2 years of no physical touch, not even a hug or shoulder bump key alone intimacy…I feel like I am now being taken advantage of. He gets massages, I get nothing. There is a huge take more than is given mantra going on and I don’t know how much more I can take. If he is sick, I care for him, cook special meals, dovextra so he can rest…nothing in reverse. I ferl like I love a dead fish. Is thete a point where respecting ourselves counts in there too? I’m all for respecting my spouse, in fact, I prefer it, but I’m having a hard time with the total dis-respect back.

    1. Nina Roesner says:
      March 27, 2017 at 8:20 am

      Baby, there is a piece missing – self respect. I fully agree with Sandy’s recommendation!! And I encourage you to have a boundaries discussion. Soon. While being kind and gentle but firm and truthful. Praying for you, beautiful!!

      I do hope to see you in the Strength & Dignity eCourse.

      Love to you!
      Nina

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