Feel like a doormat? Might need some boundaries…
If you feel like a doormat in your marriage it might be due to a need for some boundaries.
I remember the first time a boundary of mine was crossed by a friend. I didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time, but I see it clearly now.
We were sitting in the theater, around age nine, and I had a box of candy. Over half the box was in my hand, because it was noisy to open the box out and dump them. As I sat and ate my Junior Mints, I realized my friend might want one. She didn’t have any money, so I was nice and shared. I whispered, “Hey, do you want some?” I held my hand out, piled high with the little brown orbs of peppermint yumminess.
I thought she’d take a few and be thankful.
She proceeded to scoop them off of my hand and into both of hers.
I was surprised. Shocked. Confused. Angry. I couldn’t believe she had done that. I wanted to say, “HEY. I meant like a few of them! What’s wrong with you?”
But I said nothing, because I was afraid I would upset her. And I didn’t have any experience with exercising my voice – I thought the only option I had was voicing my anger. And that seemed mean (at least I knew that), so I kept my mouth shut.
I spent the rest of the movie feeling sad about my three leftover pieces in the box, and lied to myself that it was all fine. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what.
Here’s the thing – it wasn’t about the candy.
It was about being taken advantage of by another, even unintentionally, and failing to speak the truth.
Speaking my anger would not have been my truth, by the way, but that’s for coverage in the Strength & Dignity eCourse.
Today’s dare is #3 – where we torture ourselves with dig into a self-evaluation.
This is an important step in growth, because to live in denial is to undermine our ability to see what is true about ourselves. What’s often true is that we have pieces of ourselves we cannot see. They might be visible to others, they might not be. What is 100% true, is that they are always visible to God. So today, we’re asking God to peel off our blinders, and do a little self-evaluation about respect. You have the Biblical wife one if you have The Respect Dare book. If you feel like you don’t know much about respecting yourself, then this will help today. We won’t go into a ton of detail about it here, that’s for the Strength & Dignity eCourse, but at least you’ll get a basic understanding and know where you fall.
It matters. Here’s why:
Marriages and relationships where both people do not have healthy boundaries destroy trust & lasting love.
If you are wondering if boundaries are Biblical, I assure you, they are. Here’s just a tiny bit of info about that.
For a person to practice respect and love for others, we first have recognize a number of things:
- Limits = “boundaries” for the purposes of this discussion.
- To the degree that I respect/love myself, I am capable of respect & love for others
- If I have limits to what I will or won’t do, I’m worthy of credibility, am perceived as a person of character by other people – we teach others how to treat us
- To the degree that I allow others to walk all over me (no limits) my respect/love for myself and the way others respect/love me is diminished
- Anger, contempt, disdain, or parental condescension is a relationship damaging way of communicating boundaries
- Gentleness and patience, both fruits of the Spirit, are the best way to communicate about boundaries
So in combination with the Biblical wife self-evaluation which contains elements about respecting your husband and following God, we’re adding this self-evaluation from the Strength & Dignity eCourse about boundaries. We have one on character that I’ll be talking about later this week. For now, however, just put a check mark next to ones that are opportunities for you (and if you are struggling with how submission plays into all this boundary stuff, get an understanding of how I view submission here first):
Boundaries Self-Evaluation
- I have a strong concept of what I will and will not do, based on Biblical knowledge. These are boundaries I set for myself, not in an effort to control other people’s behavior.
- When I’m not clear about what should be okay or not (boundary for myself or someone else), I research it in the Bible, or ask the person it might involve.
- My “yes” means, “yes,” and my “no” means, “no.” I don’t say things I don’t mean or agree to do things that are not right for me to do.
- I don’t judge myself for making decisions that other people do not like.
- I know what tempts me and I set boundaries to protect myself from temptation.
- I understand my weaknesses and set boundaries to strengthen myself.
- I have confidence in my ability to make the right decisions, ones that honor God and respect myself and others, in most situations.
- I am aware of other people’s boundaries.
- I respect other people’s boundaries and do not cross them or provide temptation to encourage others to cross their own boundaries.
- I respect other people’s right to say, “no,” or “yes,” without judgment or pressuring them to do something else.
- I understand that the bad behavior of other people has consequences that are theirs to own and not mine to fix.
- I own my own negative states of mind without blaming others for it.
- I do not own other’s negative states of mind and do not feel responsible for fixing how they feel.
- I do not enable self-destructive behavior that damages me, children, or our marriage by covering, hiding, avoiding, ignoring, or tolerating.
- I engage in “proactive boundaries” when problems are small instead of waiting for a “reactive boundary” when things are out of control.
- I communicate my boundaries in a gentle way when they are violated.
- I am aware of and evaluative of the pain my boundaries cause others.
- My boundaries are not parental in nature, designed to “punish” my husband for his “bad” behavior.
- My boundaries are designed to bring joy to our marriage.
What about YOU? Am interested in dialogue with you about boundaries today. How have you seen boundaries impact relationships, or respect for yourself and others?
Love to you,
Nina
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Nina
I’m taking the respect dare course. Should I have gotten an e book in my email.? I am working through the dates with the other ladies. It’s a great class. Already learning a lot ! Thank you
Stephanieredd@me.com
Today with this assessment and my sermons that I pod cast I know where I need to go.. We are in Joshua chapters 12-14. I need to go back and thank God for all he has done, and remember that there is still more work to be done in me… I cannot do as the Israelites did in the Promise land and just learn to live with my bad stuff.. or I will just have to go back to reclaim areas I have already won previously… Well today I know this is what has happend. I have to reclaim my old victory and relearn respect and trust again… I lashed out in anger and frustration and that is just not ok.
I agree with your comments. I have slipped back lately, due to a recent move, etc. I am glad to be doing the Respect Dare again, and the Strength and Dignity Course. I need it.
I don’t share much as I’ve had resentment against my husband for the many little (what I took as insults )throughout the day. He’s a negative person & my love language is words. But God is changing my heart & is helping it get into my heart (instead of just my head) that is’t not personal, it’s the way he talks. The last few days I’ve not been responding at all & letting it go. I feel much calmer & a lot less hurt. I can’t change him, I can only change my response,
“What about YOU? I am interested in dialoguing with you about boundaries today. How have you seen boundaries impact relationships, or respect for yourself and others?”
. . . . My counselor is always tell me to “install a firewall of boundaries on my emotions and clean up my spiritual registry.” That would be just dandy if I were a computer. . . —Oh, if it were only as easy as talking about it. . . . .I don’t do boundaries well, at all. I either have doormatitis or lawsuititis. . . but I think boundaries are really important. . . . . In fact, the way I see it, the idea of submission is never meant to allow someone to overstep anyone’s boundaries and submission ONLY has meaning in the context of boundaries, because, to me, those boundaries promote self-control and freedom. . . .If a women is not free and in control of herself, she is not submitting anyway, right? She is a slave subject to a slave driver, and she is out of the will of God and living in sin. The ability to be emotionally attached to others, without giving up our sense of self and our freedom to be apart seems so vital. As does giving our husbands the ability to say “no” without fear of loss of our love. When someone says “no” to me (—especially in my family), I try very hard to respect that “no” without withdrawing emotionally (—in punishment toward them) because that seems to me to be trying to control them. I think the more severe the dysfunction you experienced growing up (—mine was maxed out), the more difficult boundaries are for you. . . . That said, I also like that boundaries can be renegotiated depending on our safety level. The safer you feel, the less you need boundaries. For me, I just really have a hard time operationalizing all that. Every single time I make the decision to love someone, I open myself up to serious suffering. People can just tear us asunder. —But, if I want to avoid the suffering, I never experience the joy of loving. Again, I think the more severe the dysfunction you experienced growing up, the more difficult boundaries are for you. —Lord, here I am, will you please help me not freak out or worry and just trust you. Lord help me to set boundaries that will keep me safe, respected, yet heard.
Good morning Rebecca,
I loved what you said about renegotiating boundaries. That’s so true! I think that’s an important part of growth. I’m wondering about this statement “The safer you feel, the less you need boundaries.”? I’m thinking that perhaps you mean that we don’t have to be so vigilant in watching our boundaries because they aren’t being crossed all the time? I’m a huge fan of boundaries and “Boundaries- When to Say Yes and How to Say No to Gain Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I believe their book describes healthy people as boundary lovers and that the need for boundaries is always there. The boundaries may change as you so wisely mentioned, but as they say in the book, we need boundaries to be a whole person. To help us and others know where we start and end. What is our responsibility and what isn’t.
I’ve noticed that as my husband and I have learned to become boundary lovers, we’ve become HUGELY less defensive. We also seem to utilize boundaries at a more instinctive (not sure if there’s a better word?) level than when we first started. 🙂
I highly recommend all the “Boundaries” books by Cloud and Townsend!
Hello Sandi!
Thank you for your note.
You say: I’m wondering about this statement “The safer you feel, the less you need boundaries”? —Oh yeah, all I meant was I don’t have any boundaries with, say, the Lord. If I get up and it is like three in the morning and the Lord puts it on my heart to go downstairs and pray for people, I don’t say “Lord Jesus, you have got be kidding me, You know I am hopelessly in love with You but it is the middle of the night and I have my boundaries!!!” . . . .Now, I clearly see that with people, failing to set boundaries makes us feel used and mistreated. . . . I see that but I rarely implement boundaries with people. I guess a broken soul doesn’t invest in boundaries because the world has crossed them, without mercy too many times. . . . .You know, I have read Cloud and Townsend’s books. The issue with me is the implementation. It takes serious effort to say “NO” when my heart and brains and guts and, most importantly, pride are yearning to say yes. Also, the boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom too, —even in Christ.
Much love,
Rebecca
“Also, the boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom too, —even in Christ.”
I’m not quite understanding what you mean?
I totally get what you’re saying about implementing. When I was first learning boundaries, I started with boundaries I placed on my own stuff. It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but when I would get talked into doing something I didn’t want to do, I would do it with a lousy attitude. Kind of made sure everyone knew it was not what I wanted to be doing. So the first boundary I set was that I wasn’t allowing myself to have a lousy attitude if I agreed to do something. If I didn’t think I could manage to do it without a good attitude, I would say “no thanks.” and then deal with the possible hurt feelings. It was a really good learning experience for me, both in saying “yes” and having to have good attitude and saying “no” and sitting with the uncomfortable feeling that I’ve upset someone. I still don’t like upsetting people, but I’m learning to be responsible for my feelings and letting other be responsible for theirs. This has gotten easier with time and practice.
I sure hope you make to BootCamp! I would love to meet you in person. 🙂
Hugs,
Sandi
Sandi,
“. . . I still don’t like upsetting people, but I’m learning to be responsible for my feelings and letting other be responsible for theirs. This has gotten easier with time and practice.” . . . . . That is so, so wonderful. Good for you!!!
“Also, the boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom too, —even in Christ.” . . . . .Sure, when we learn to accept another’s boundaries, we are saying, in effect, “If you don’t give me what I want, God and I will find another way to get my need met.” It keeps the other person out of a position of indispensability, which is actually a form of idolatry. (Now, as always these are just my thoughts) . . . .But remember how we talked about how you can easily make an idol out of God Himself (placing God in the same category as marriage, money, homes, family, success, etc.) with the hopes of eventually not feeling suffering any longer (—just using God instead of money, position, marriage, power —to get stuff we want.) The Good News of Christianity is instead of God being that which fills the gap at the core of our being, the God testified to in the Scriptures exposes the gap for what it is, —obliterates it, and invites us to participate in an utterly different form of life, one that brings us beyond slavery to ALL idols. Our culture of consumerism has turned God into a product to be marketed, something that will satisfy, rather than God as one who cannot be marketed, and has come not to satisfy us, but to free us from our need for satisfaction. —And I think (I don’t know) I think that conclusion is systematic, that is, all the passages and texts fit together, not in isolation pulling a proof text from here or there. It is really tough, however, because the Bible says so, so many things that everyone can find their texts to back-up what they say. . . . .Anyways, that’s a “Boot Camp” all its own and one in which everyone would demand their payments back and the satisfaction level would be very, very low. . . .ha, ha, ha. . . . Nina is working on the high-gain stuff, which is wonderful. I really like that too!!!
May the Lord richly bless you. My prayers,
Rebecca
Amen. I have realised I have serious trust issues and very weak boundaries and self respect. I get hurt and keep my mouth shut because I cannot deal with the other’s anger when I express my hurt. It is very frustrating. I am hoping I can learn what is appropriate and how to not absorb the other’s anger, and how to express myself clearly.