Respect Your Husband 101
Respect Your Husband 101*
*oh, and can we add a bit of self-respect this year, also?
It’s a new year, and we’re starting a new round of respect here on the blog. On Facebook, you may have seen the below:
Expectations are important. The first dare deals with these because there are MANY things to consider (and why we have you write them down, then come back and look at them later – like we do with the “expectations & dreams” pages in Daughters of Sarah). Here’s just a few:
- If we have high expectations, we can achieve greater things
- If we have high expectations of ourselves, we run the risk of perfectionistic behaviors and stress
- If we have high expectations of others, we run the risk of communicating to them that they are a disappointment when they don’t achieve
- If we have high expectations of others, we risk putting our hope in a person, instead of God
- But…sometimes when we have high expectations of others, they often live up to them (as long as our expectations are positive and communicated encouragingly)
- And our high expectations can place our hope in ourselves
- If we have low expectations, we can offer ourselves and others grace
- If we have low expectations of ourselves, we run the risk of not trying very hard
- If we have low expectations of others, we run the risk of communicating to them that they are a disappointment because
we don’t think they’re capable of much – and the same goes for ourselves
So you see why Dare #1 is focused on YOUR expectations and where YOU are at. 🙂
I have a few other different things to suggest to you if you are learning how to respect your husband.
First, read this to find out where this all started, why respect matters, and what my intentions are.
Second, if you can, do the book in a community of women in your neck of the woods (here’s the Small Group Leader’s Guide for free) (and here’s more info on small group stuff) and if you can’t grab a community, here’s a coupon for our eCourse which is starting a new group January 11. The below is a coupon you can use to join women around the world who can’t find a local group. The discount is over 50%. If you click on the below it will take you to the eCourse sign up. I think it’s $80 for the 12 week class.
Recently from a woman in a good marriage who graduated from the Respect Dare eCourse – “I don’t want a good marriage – I want a FANTASTIC marriage, and to have that I need to follow God’s plan. Respecting my husband is part of that plan (Eph 5:33). As I worked through the 40 Dares, I began to take a hard look at myself…as I began to change, I noticed that my husband was responding to me differently (and he had no idea I was doing the Respect Dare), that was my little secret). He became even more affectionate, helped me with kitchen chores so I could join him for time together sooner, and talked to me more… Her name is Toni, and I’ll have a link to more of her story up tonight.
If you are married to a Christian man and you are still feeling unloved or wondering if you are being abused, if you’ve already DONE the Respect Dare and it hasn’t helped (or made things worse – see why here) or if you already know you struggle with boundaries, you’ll want to sign up for our FREE beta Strength & Dignity eCourse.
Click the above link or the image below. It’s free til we’re out of Beta. You do it on your time, your schedule, in the privacy of your own home, via email. You’ll get all the short assignments and access to the forum. You’ll need The RESPECT DARE book to do the class well.
I hope you’ll join us! 🙂 In either case, be here with us on the blog – we’ll be doing a FRESH walk through The Respect Dares, and we started today with Dare #1, a fresh look at those expectations!
Time to chime! What about you?
How have YOU seen expectations (both good and bad) impact YOUR marriage?
How did the Respect Dare’s first assignment impact you?
I can’t wait to hear from you! If there’s any post you share, I hope it is this one. 🙂 Be a Titus 2 woman, bring a friend along, and join us on the journey! 🙂
(PS if you are a blogger, and want to join us on the journey, we’ll be doing one dare a week – and if you contact me through the story/question thing on the sidebar, I’ll have something special you can do with your followers – but let me know by Friday!)
Love to you,
How have YOU seen expectations (both good and bad) impact YOUR marriage? My husband has expectations that I feel I can not live up to. Sometimes it makes me want to improve and sometimes it just drives me further from his “ideal wife”.
How did the Respect Dare’s first assignment impact you? I set some expectations for myself and I felt comfortable with that. I found that I still “expected” things from my husband and realized I needed to let them go. Not easy. Very necessary.
Awesome. I still “want” things – but there’s a difference between that and “expect” don’t you agree? 🙂 LOVE that you are wise on what’s necessary – it is easier to put our hope in God when we take it off our husband! 🙂
I am glad you are doing this Respect Dare again. We have moved recently, and I have found my attitude and behavior slipping. Why is it natural to be disrespectful and we have to work at being respectful? I consider respect as “positive regard” for my husband. Seems, when I am overwhelmed, I begin to critique him. I suppose there is a bit of Eve in all of us ( well – in me anyhow). I really liked the prayer at the end of this chapter, and it gave me hope. Know that the timing of all of this is right.
Nina, thank you for taking so much of your time to bless us with these posts, dares and challenges!
1. How have YOU seen expectations (both good and bad) impact YOUR marriage?
Good: My expectations were reduced to zero when we were on our honeymoon and honestly, everything since then has been a total bonus. I see why God did that now! I certainly did not at the time. I have learned that if we treat our man as he can and should be, well, he will become as he can and should be and I have seen when people treat husbands as they are, that is what they remain.
Bad: Well, after a rough start, so far, so good but Christ promised us sufferings. They are part of the program. We were even told, ‘Blessed are they that mourn,’ and I accept it. I’ve got nothing that I hadn’t bargained for. Of course, it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others.
2. How did the Respect Dare’s first assignment impact you? What do YOU want to be different in 2016? Do you want God to change your marriage? How have you seen “habituation” and gratitude affect your family?
—Oh, my, gratitude is absolutely the key!!! One of the main reasons that we lose our enthusiasm in life is because we become ungrateful. . . . . we let what was once a miracle become common to us. We get so accustomed to His goodness it becomes a routine. . . . . We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (awesome) gifts He gives us. —Hellfire & Brimstone, in the past, I have been totally and unbelievably ungrateful for everything. Like a completely spoiled brat, I took things for granted. God gave us minds to think with and hearts to thank with. Instead, I used my heart to think about the world as I would like it to have been, and my mind I used to come up with rationalizations for my ingratitude. —Murmuring, discontented, unhappy, ungrateful is NOT the way to be blessed. I have found that salvation from my discontents centers around a thankful and grateful heart. ―Jesus, you’ve given me so much I can’t repay. I have no offering (Ephesians 5:20). . . . . Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. . . . . When we are grateful and kind and sincerely say ‘thank you’ (—for even small, everyday things) everything changes. Thankfulness creates gratitude which generates contentment and that causes peace. ―God really does inhabit the praises of His people!
As usual, your comments are insightful and deep. I love your witness to expectations in marriage. “treat them as they are, that is what they remain” is such a profound and yet simple thing – we MUST treat people as He sees them – to do less is judgment and throne occupation by us, don’t you think?
And yes, easier to say, hard to see in the moments of denial and self-protection.
I fully agree that thankfulness is key. And I love how you put it – God really does inhabit the praises of His people!
So good to have you here!
Love to you!
I am and have been trying everything I can to make my schedule work to come to some (—to ANY) of your training. . . .It is always a conflict and I am over-committed by multiples but I so affirm what you are doing here. It is so valuable and important and it works because the wisdom of God in Christ works. . . . . By now, I have built up such an emotional attachment to your teaching and counsel (—your past posts going back years; books; teachings, etc. have been all over the country and Europe with me!) to the point that I would just cry through the whole program if I came, —and I know that is excuse making, but it is the truth.
“. . . . . – we MUST treat people as He sees them – to do less is judgment and throne occupation by us, don’t you think?” —Yes, I do think that now that you make me aware of it and that is why you are the teacher because YES, I agree but I totally missed that part. We are not, nor should we be God or Holy Spirit in our husbands lives. I should have made that point because it is THE POINT.
“. . . . the moments of denial and self-protection.” —Yes, I agree that is where it is coming from our defense mechanisms of denial and self-protection. I know you know this but I have to redeem myself (—ha, ha, ha, ha, ha). . . . . Anyways, I have been thinking a lot lately about how we all have a natural and destructive disposition toward the pursuit of satisfaction: We tend to seek some object that would seem to promise satisfaction: a person; a marriage; a job; a family; a certain amount of money. This very pursuit is, however, itself destructive, for we either don’t get what we seek above all else and thus always long for it, or we do get it and discover that it is actually unable to offer us what we sought (—like my honeymoon and early in my marriage, my idol!). . . . . Also, I think we have a natural and destructive disposition to seek out certainty: As children, we identify with false images that help us to cover over our weakness and dependence on others. As adults, I often see us caught within these false images too. Our various beliefs offer us a certain level or security and sense of belonging but they ultimately damage us by distancing us from others, causing us to repress doubt and preventing us from being positively impacted by people who think and practice in ways that are different from our own. Religion (—not a relationship with Christ, religion) falsely promises to offer the certainty and satisfaction that we seek: While certainty and satisfaction are being offered to us from multiple sources, the church offers the paradigmatic version of that pursuit. God is offered as that which will give us satisfaction and a certainty not available elsewhere. —BUT, anything that we believe offers this type of happiness and confidence (marriage, religion, et.al.) is actually nothing but an idol (AN IDOL) that offers, ironically, the opposite: dissatisfaction and uncertainty. . . . .This is very different from a relationship with Christ. Here is the question: “Do I really, r-e-a-l-l-y love and want Christ or do I just want Eternal Life, a good Marriage, or Happiness, et.al?” Christ wants us to crucify our selfish, me-first identities and die with Him outside the city walls, —nasty, nasty stuff (rejected by the religious, the culture, etc.) On the Cross, Jesus lost it all. It is beyond our comfort-laden, abundance-filled, self-improvement-addicted culture to understand that, and we (I) am immersed inside that culture —big time. Lots of heart work to do in 2016!!! —But, I *delight* in the fact that He knows my heart, because that means I know that He knows I want a deeper relationship with Him.
Much love to you (—Nina, you will never fully realize how much you have helped me to understand),
Wise words, gorgeous. And spot on, as usual. 🙂 praying He frees you up for Boot Camp this year. I’m blown away by all you add here – and consistently, and I assure you, any good you see from me is Jesus in me, the Him in me doesn’t screw things up! 🙂 I’m so glad what we do resonates with you – it is DIFFERENT than other things, not religion, not pretend, not perfect, but real, vulnerable, lasting, and I believe Inspired… though not the Bible… 🙂 and I’m not trying to add to what’s there, just trying to help people meet and know Him through what He’s created. 🙂
I think you get it. 🙂 Beautiful.
And we all have heart surgery needs. 🙂 Forever, and I’m loving that, too. 🙂 This year is full of promise, full of a hope I’ve not seen in such an intense way for some time – for many. I’m about to explode with enthusiasm these days and I’m glad you are on the journey with us!
Love to you!
I so appreciate the prayers to be freed-up! —And, I realize you have an entire team and lots of people are involved in making this happen. . . . I am praying for you and your team that God will do exceeding, abundantly above all that you could ever ask, or even think in 2016!
We totally second that!! 🙂
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