Do you ever wish he was dead?
If your marriage is a mess, or even just difficult, have you ever wished he was dead? Have you ever wondered if you’d even miss your husband if he died?
Or are you comfortable in your anger and hurt and can’t wrap your brain around the thought?
Maybe like me, you also take a lot for granted.
Like you never ponder his (or your) mortality, and so you’re just upset at him all the time. Maybe you’re conflict avoidant and refusing to deal with the issues in your marriage. Maybe you’re just choosing to fight or ignore him, and live a completely separate life.
If he died, would you wish things had been different?
Can I gently encourage you to learn something from this Now that I’m struggling through? Can what we’re facing somehow move you towards doing something different, even if you are afraid it won’t work? Even if you’ve tried about 300 other times? — because God’s timing for healing isn’t always our timing?
This holiday, I tried hard to do better. I woke up and was thankful that I did.
When my husband woke, I was really thankful for that, especially given the ugly Now we’re in. I know God means it for Good, and I know He’s always about His business, and I know it’s sin on my part to disagree with the path He’s chosen, but honestly, I don’t like it.
Not one bit.
I just don’t.
I would have picked something else, like a non-fiction book on whatever topic it was we’re supposed to be straining our growing hearts toward through this Now.
But I didn’t get asked.
And I confess, a few days before Thanksgiving, I was angry.
Angry that I even have to consider what lies ahead. Angry that He tells me some things, and leaves other things hidden.
I know anger is a secondary emotion… what I was really feeling was fear.
Because I’ve been through two thoracic surgeries with our two boys.
I know how week-long hospital stays work. I’m afraid of that time.
And I’m afraid because I’ve had experience. I’ve dealt with nurses who aren’t paying attention and make major mistakes like epidurals running out resulting in horrifying pain for one of my sons. I’ve had a nurse try to steal my son’s narcotics. I’ve set the timers for the medications, woken every two to three hours round the clock, often before they went off, and called the nurses myself when they were late with pain relief.
I’ve slept on the chairs, not showered for a week.
I’ve sat not knowing when to be concerned at the alarms going off, and being afraid because I didn’t know then how little oxygen is too little… and wondering why does pneumonia happen and require oxygen in the first place… and other things I won’t mention because, well, they’re just not meant to be shared with anyone outside of family.
But then come the Psalms. These pages in my bible are growing thinner, I think, because I’ve been in those chapters so often this year.
Praise the Lord!
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens!
2 Praise him for his mighty deeds;
praise him according to his excellent greatness!
3 Praise him with trumpet sound;
praise him with lute and harp!
4 Praise him with tambourine and dance;
praise him with strings and pipe!
5 Praise him with sounding cymbals;
praise him with loud clashing cymbals!
6 Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
4 The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.
5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
6 for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.
After the Psalms come His peace… actually somewhere in the middle.
I remember to breathe again – and then do the next thing.
His Word is breath and life to me… and reminds me that He is in control, that He allows what He wants to, and that my job is to worship and obey.
Worship and obey.
How do I know what to obey? By “meditating on His law” in other words, knowing the Word, daily ingesting it, daily filling my mind with more Christian than secular influences. It’s a struggle, yes, but worth doing. Necessary. I’m a mess when I don’t, and I wish I did it more consistently.
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. God, give me breath today that I might utter back praise to You. Fill me with Your Spirit, Your Word is my daily bread, I need nothing else but to read it, to think about it, to pray it back to You in worship, and then obey it. Thank You that the more of You I get, the more of You I want. I love the thirst for Your Word, Your Truth. You are the only thing I need. In Jesus name, amen and amen.
When I look back on what’s true, what He’s already done I see change. I remember writing a post about being terrified of riding this horse.
Now, thanks to God and an amazing trainer, I am no longer afraid.
Last week, I road blindfolded without reins – up a hill. It was awesome.
I had already pushed through the fear, faced it nearly daily for months, even though I’d gotten to this place where I dreaded riding because I was so afraid of getting hurt.
Because I didn’t quit, though, I’m different. More confident in literally every area of my life. You can’t go around fear, you can only go through it. Awful at the time, worth it at the end.
It helped tremendously that I had a trainer that I trusted enough to just do whatever he said.
Once in a while, my brain goes to the “What If’s” of this Now… but then I remember other things, like how we “just happened” to find out about his condition, and how we’re so incredibly blessed to even know about it… and how we both have breath, and we are praising Him for that.
My DH spent all day in the kitchen on Thanksgiving doing what he loves to do – brilliantly weaving flavors together, filling our house with the aromas of herbs, meat, and comfort. I spent parts of the day on and off doing what I do with him, just following him around the kitchen helping. I did make a pie. It was epic… so was his turkey and stuffing.
We gave thanks together as a family, and the words seemed to have more weight, more meaning to them this year.
Why is that? Why do we get so blind? Why does familiarity often breed contempt instead of contentment? Why do we focus so much on what’s wrong instead of what God wants us to see? Why does it so often take a crisis or a threat for us to be reminded of how awesome everything really is if we’ll just SEE the way He does?
I don’t know about you, but I too often in the midst of the minutia moments of a day think about the wrong things. This Now, in particular, has that struggle at full throttle.
And it’s sin.
Lately, I’ve been wondering, as I’ve been thinking too-soon in our marriage about the mortality of my life partner… I know I would miss him terribly if he died, as would our kids. I would more than notice – I’d be a tiny bit happy for him, jealous even, because I know where he’s going, but I would also be agonizingly lonely.
Lonelier than I’ve ever been, even in the roughest spots in our marriage.
Do you ever think about that – I mean really think about how you would feel if your husband died?
Do you ever then wonder if HE would miss YOU if you died? Do you wonder what kind of wife you’ve been? What kind of wife you’ve become?
Has the pain in your marriage changed you? Have you gone through it or around it?
For better or for worse?
I don’t honestly even know. I know I’ve been far FAR from the perfect wife.
As for me, right now, I’ll take all the second chances available. Desperate-to-do-better style.
To be completely transparent, I am either completely blind to the possibilities or have peace about the outcome for us. We’re at an amazing hospital with stellar results for the procedure(s) he’ll go through. I would like to think that if something bad was to happen (and the odds are small for that) God would be preparing me for that. He’s not. I could be wrong, but I’m not going to think about those things. I acknowledge death is always a possibility (his daily commute should have me shaking – city traffic is worse than velociraptors as far as I’m concerned).
But instead, I’m clinging to Philippians 4:8, preaching His Word to myself multiple times a day, lest that other guy gain ground.
Quite honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing, or how this will be in the middle of the next Now. I’m not looking forward to it, but am trying to experience and be His grace to myself and others.
But for today, I choose to be Thankful. I choose to SEE.
Are you struggling, too? Do those questions above slay your broken heart like they do mine?
We all need heart surgery, don’t we? Would love to hear from you about yours today. And thank you for being here. I’m grateful you are on the journey with me.
Love to you,
I was shocked to read the title of this post, really I was, it was like suddenly here’s a group of people who get it…..I don’t know how to get past this hurdle. I need help. I feel like a shadow of who I was when we got married, I have been so belittled and drained from all the critical and hurtful behavior that I hardly know who I am anymore. I love the Lord, I desperately desire to serve Him and to be obedient. Some days it seems downright impossible to be respectful to a husband who is so unkind that I wish he would just go away. His behaviors is so incredible hypocritical that it’s burdensome, he expects a level of “behavior” from the children and I that he doesn’t come ever close to attaining himself, he puts rules on us that he himself doesn’t attempt to follow. How do I get past this? Please sisters help me to right my attitude and to walk in truth. I teally do feel very alone, I have been forbidden from having a phone, I can use his, told I am not allowed to have a blog, I am isolated from just about everyone….I have two special needs children out of our 5 and I feel so close to burnout some days…Those days seem to be the ones he likes to highlight any faults he has with me. It feels like anytime I find a hobby a way to release the tension and stress productively I.e. Sewing, blogging, knitting….. He has an issue with it and will pick and begrudge until I just give up. He only seems happy if I am broken and busy doing housework. I’m tired, my children need me. I feel alone. I am reading the Word and in know God is with me, but I sure would enjoy some human interaction too. Going to church almost feels fake as we put on a good face and look like everything is fine when really there’s one man in front of people and another behind closed doors.
I greatly covet your prayers and wisdom.
Can you delete my comment? I am concerned someone may read it the wrong way and take offense, I would appreciate it if you would delete it for me. Thanks.
You know I have been thinking about this a lot, why I was so honest in my initial comment, why then I felt so much guilt for it, enough that I would ask you to delete it…..I have been allowing hatred and sin to rule in my life, seeing it written out like that was very convicting. How could I possibly fantasize about my husband being gone? What a terrible thing. The bible talks about when we hate someone and how it’s as if we have killed them in our hearts. I kept having that come to mind and I realized that I am wrong, I am in sin and I need to repent and trust the Lord and the plan he has for me. My husband has been cruel and unkind yes, but i have not been trusting the Lord and his plan. That He can grow me and change me through this to be more like Jesus. You don’t have to delete the comment, I was being honest, and the Lord, so gracious to me has shown me my sin and will set me free from this hateful spirit through the precious blood of Jesus, please pray for me sisters that I would be faithful, that I would learn though this and that I would not harbor resentment or anger in my heart anymore.
I love this whole conversation you’ve had with yourself. 🙂 And yes, hatred is sin. And, when you find yourself filled with the Spirit such that you have a gentle, kind, loving demeanor more often than not, then go read Leslie Vernick’s “How to Do Right When Your Spouse Does Wrong.” She also has several books on verbal abuse that are awesome. 🙂
And we are privileged to pray with you, beautiful. 🙂 Know you are not alone.
Love to you,
My dh of 15 years is borderline personality disordered (BP). To keep it short – it is like living with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, walking on eggshells, and being challenged to stretch and grow every single day! I have had thoughts of wishing he would die. Those thoughts only come during or right after a BP episode. His episodes make a roller coaster look like a mellow ride. Gratefully my husband is a born again believer in Jesus Christ and he always returns to the true self God made him to be. I understand and wholeheartedly believe that I have and will keep growing as a result of being in this marriage. I don’t really want my dh to die, but during episodes it looks inviting. I am grateful that God has my full attention now and I have to give God the credit and glory for how he did it. Our God – the master orchestrator!!!
I know a lot about BPD and sweet sister, you’re an amazing woman for having the attitude you have towards your husband! If only I could learn from you! God bless you.
Oh dear Sister! Nina, we were given news in September very similar to yours – except we had no idea before that! My husband had a congenital birth defect – a heart murmur caused by a “leaky valve”. He is 35. The cardiologist wouldn’t let us leave the hospital until we scheduled an appointment with the surgeon. We found out in one day that he needed open heart surgery for a condition he’s had all his life. Because his heart murmur had never been caught, the extra pressure from the leaky valve caused an aortic aneurysm of 5.6cm (that was the size the day we found out – they start monitoring at our cardiologist’s office every 6 months once your aorta reaches 5.0cm…His aortic root was also enlarged and needed repaired. My husband had surgery within a month. When they did his surgery, the found a surprise – one of his coronary arteries had twisted and grown through his aorta – they didn’t know this until he was in the OR. They had to remove a vein from his leg to reconstruct that as well. So, now he has a mechanical valve, that is VERY loud at first, but can be tuned out; and his aortic root, ascending aorta, and a coronary artery had to be reconstructed. God has brought us through. He also had pectoralis excavatum, but nobody had ever picked up on it! So now we are faced with keeping a close eye on our bio son – making sure he doesn’t have a congenital heart defect that nobody caught. I know where you are in the Now, sweet Nina. Be encouraged. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7. I clung to that verse throughout the past months, and I still find comfort in it, as I hope you can too! Love, prayers and a big cyber hug to you. Thank you for your book, I am currently leading a group of my three closes friends through the book. Today is Dare 2. I am looking for a good report about your husband if surgery is what is needed. If there’s ever a time you need to talk to somebody that has been through this, please contact me!
Nina, the title of this article caught my eye immediately! I have been married for almost 39 years, and the first 25 were spent wishing that my husband would die. I’m ashamed to admit it, but it is the truth. Both of us are Christians, and both of us are committed to each other for life. Neither of us had done anything that would cause divorce to even be mentioned, but I was so unhappy. My husband was raised in a very dissfunctional family, and I was the one who was going to ride in on a white horse and bring him eternal happiness…except that two months into the marriage I realized what a huge mistake I had made. He did not know how to be a husband. Later I learned that he did not know how to be a father. All he wanted to do was work and come home and work some more. The children and I were so lonely, and I thought the only solution left would be for him to die, and then I could get on with my life.
In 2000, the Lord gave me the opportunity to live without him for years on end. We lived in a different state than his parents, and one day we got phone calls from family and friends saying that his parents were not doing well and needed help. Within the same week his old boss called and asked if my husband would like to go back to work there. He said yes and I was ecstatic! Now I could finally be rid of him! Within three months I felt the Lord gently speaking to me, asking me since I expected so much from my husband, surely I should be the wife to him that he needed. I began to love and serve a man that, when he did come home, spent most of his time working in the garage. I cried out to the Lord because I felt myself sinking fast. He began to teach me unconditional love, giving when nothing was being given back, total surrender of my feelings to God and continuing to work for Him, and as I did, He began to give me compassion and love for my husband. I had to drive him to the shuttle so that he could get to the airport, and driving home alone I began to miss ministering to him. I began to pray for him like I had never prayed before. Suddenly his visits home began to take on an anticipation and joy that I had not known since we were first married. He began to look forward to coming home as there was no fighting, no accusations, no criticism. I began to realize what I had become and how God was changing my heart toward my husband, and I was ashamed at the bad habits I had fallen into. As I ceased to criticize, complain and accuse, my husband began to respond to me as a husband that truly loves his wife.
After a year I told the Lord that I desperately wanted my husband to come home to be with us, and that we could be that happy family I had always dreamed of being. However, in my spirit I felt Him saying that it would be seven years until that could take place. To the month, it was exactly seven years until my husband could return home to us! Now every time I am tempted to fall back into old patterns of behavior, He reminds me of those seven years without my husband and I immediately look to Jesus to continue to teach me how to be the person my husband needs. In doing this, God has helped my husband to become the man that I need, shown him how to be the father to his children that they need, and now how to be the grandfather that the grandchildren need.
All praise, honor and glory to Him for His benefits to us! And thank you, Nina, for titling this article as you did. I have never shared anything of this with anyone before, but I hope it is an encouragement to someone out there who needs a hand to hold during a difficult time.
Your story touched me. It gives me hope, as well as challenges me as a wife. Thank you for sharing. I pray the best is yet to come. 🙂
I wanted to let you know how privileged I feel to have been the place where you shared your story. It’s amazing, and a testimony to the Lord. 🙂 I’m really proud of your bravery in sharing this! He’s done much healing in you to bring you to this place, and I’m glad you shared. 🙂
Love to you,
It’s 4:00 a.m., and I cannot sleep, one of many sleepless nights. I struggle with my husband in regards to his behaviors around attractive woman, targeted mainly at younger ones. To make matters worse, I knew this about him before I married him two years ago, but I didn’t know to this degree. However, I thought after sharing my concerns and how I felt disrespected as his wife, surely he would stop, especially because of how much he said he loved me. Found out, he’s not big on empathy or sensitivity. Unfortunately, I am one of the many women who thought I could “change him”. There are so many good qualities in him, yet I chose to ignore the most important one that didn’t exist: integrity.
Some days, I wonder if I’m supposed to stay with my husband because of his behaviors with and curiosity of attractive woman. It’s like his character changes from the loving husband at home (most of the time) to one who outside the home is single looking for a girlfriend. He’s not an open flirt; he’s very sly in how he gets women’s attention. What he does is seek validation from them. He will go out of his way to place himself (physically) in the presence of an attractive women or find a reason to talk with them. I almost wonder if he even knows he is doing it…it’s like he does it on impulse. I have witnessed this so many times, I’ve lost count. And the one that hurts and is concerning the most is a young female relative of mine, who has sexual addictions and seeks power over men. Before I realized how he liked to be validated by women, I warned him about her behavior and to be cautious in her presence. But what happened is, it back fired. He loved her attention (she’s very alluring with her charm). I would catch him staring at her or looking for an excuse to go into a room she was in several times. He was always inquisitive of her. When I shared my feelings of disbelief that he would respond to her the way he did, he became angry and said I was paranoid and jealous of her…that she was a nice girl. (My husband is very good at deflecting and putting things back onto me. Rather than own up to his behaviors, he tells me it’s all me, that I’m crazy!) I felt betrayed and sickened that he wouldn’t be more like a father role to her and treat her like a kid (he’s nearly 30 years older), especially knowing that she has issues. Instead he fed right into her addiction. (She has since married and moved out of state.)
At times, I will be walking with my husband, and if an attractive women goes by, he will INSTANTLY find an excuse to leave me and go nearby where the person is. An example: We were walking down a shopping isle talking and an attractive woman walked past us. INSTANTLY, he “all the sudden” needed to get something from another isle and said, “Honey, why don’t you go look for ?, and I’ll go look for ?.” Another time, we came out of the movies and were needing to use the restrooms. However, when we rounded the corner near the restroom, there was an attractive woman. My husband stopped dead in his tracks and said, “Go ahead. I’ll wait out here for you.” There are many examples, but I think you get the picture.
My husband, to the public, is an upstanding man in the community who volunteers his time to different organizations. He is over-the- top nice to people outside our home and will do anything for anyone, yet can be very condescending to me and very insensitive to my feelings. He’s vague in where he goes or talks to on the phone. The scary thing is, I married my stepfather. He was just like this, an upstanding citizen outside the home, yet could be very mean to my mother and us kids. It’s like they are superior and don’t have to answer to anyone nor should they have boundaries of any sort.
And then there are the times when he tells me I make him a better man, and that I have been a big influence (these past two years) with his relationship to the Lord and in learning how to be a good husband. He loved the Lord and went to church, but he wasn’t striving to walk the walk until we married. These are the comments that warm my heart and give me hope, yet I so struggle with what to do. I set boundaries, and he crosses them. I feel like I am accepting his behaviors because there are no consequences for his behaviors. I often feel like a mother having to teach her child right from wrong. His behaviors have not changed with women, in the least.
Do any of you suffer this type of issue, and if you do, could you share some tips?
Thank you, ladies. I’m getting desperate and could so use encouragement…I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry this is so long…I’ve been holding it all inside, and I finally feel safe sharing. I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t honor his wife.
. . . .The only real “tip” is Jesus —But next time it happens, you could try saying: Sweetheart, I’m trying to love you, Jesus knows that, BUT when you do “X”, in situation “Y”, I FEEL “Z”. Always make sure your husband knows how it makes you feel. Don’t fight; just that simple statement and walk away. (Don’t go beyond that and let the dam break). —-Don’t say: YOU are this; or YOU are that. I feel statements.
. . . I read these horrible stories and I always think “HellFIRE & Brimstone. . . . who needs Satan when you have men and sometimes women like this?” . . . That said, the most brutal aspects of your husband’s personality are the chink in his armor. —But in your flesh, there is NO route out of the maze. The maze shifts as you move through it, because your husband is alive (re-strategizing) even while he is possibly dead spiritually. The only “tip” is Jesus –He is the veteran of untold physic wars and husbands/wives hurtful words and mind games.
. . . So tap into Jesus because the more real you get with Jesus, the more UNreal everything you are worried about gets. . . . Many husbands/wives have seriously lost their way –and the way WE act can bring them back (Lord willing). I know, I know. . . . soooo easy to just say things when every fiber of your being screams dirty-for-dirty —I get it. –And yet, Jesus wants to see just how badly you really want to know Him. –And that’s where you will find Jesus –out there in the desert of the REAL. —That holy desolation where only the TRUTH survives, out past all the epistemology of propaganda. That place where everything NOT real is blown to bits by the solar storm of TRUTH. –And raw TRUTH, oh man, Raw Truth is NOT sexy because it has NO (zero) marketing plan. Just like Jesus in the NO-SPIN zone.
. . . So. . . . .When you do “X”, in situation “Y”, I FEEL “Z”. I feel statements. —-Not YOU are this, Not YOU are that. I feel. –or— I need (I need/ I feel) . . . Short, right to the point and leave the rest to Jesus. Again, you will find that the more real you get with Jesus, the more UNreal everything you are worried about gets.
. . . When I hear these stories, sometimes I wonder if men ever worshiped anything but themselves. —And what you have described is just completely disheartening/ depressing. . . .Almost as depressing as the question: Do you ever wish he was dead? —Dead??? –Wow, now that is as real/authentic as a sawed-off shotgun blast at close range. HARD CORE honesty. And that is depressing too. . . . And yet, depression is the inability to trust Jesus for a future. . . Your husband may be DEAD/BLIND spiritually –or he would never be treating you like that. –BUT, maybe think of it this way: Would you take offense if a blind man knocked you over? . . . ???
Thank you so much for your feedback. Your advice is helping me to take some deep breaths. I’m getting ready to do the “Walk Thru the Bible,” which is perfect timing, because I’m going to need that time with Jesus and at a much deeper level.
I know we all sin in the flesh, and his behaviors are not a reflection of me, but it makes me feel like I am fool because his behaviors have not changed and I feel like he doesn’t care how it makes me feel, thus making it hard for me to want to love him. Speaking of, the other thing I realized about myself since my post is that I have been loving my husband conditionally – NOT GOOD!
About what you said, “Always make sure your husband knows how it makes you feel. Don’t fight; just that simple statement and walk away. (Don’t go beyond that and let the dam break). —-Don’t say: YOU are this; or YOU are that. I feel statements,” — I have tried everything to be gentle, and he gets very angry and shuts me down. Perhaps, this time, I will just walk away and spend time with the Lord.
Can you explain the piece “,UNreal everything you are worried about gets.” In my head, I’m thinking, even if I pray, his behaviors are still real. And can you also explain, “… Raw Truth is NOT sexy because it has NO (zero) marketing plan. Just like Jesus in the NO-SPIN zone.”
Again, thank you so much for reaching out.
. . .Lord, please don’t let me mess this up and at the least keep me from not doing harm. . . . . When I wrote that on the plane —I just I knew, I just knew in my heart you had already really, —really tried. Oh, how I prayed for you because I knew that. The whole time I was writing that I was thinking (–and I’ll just be totally honest) —Lord, God, the last time you lost faith in mankind, you sent a flood. . .This time you sent this women’s husband and he is making a fool out of her. . . . But all I know is this: You can walk hand-and-hand with Jesus in the FRIGID freedom of really surrendering to Christ (–and it is almost impossible to do, maybe actually impossible –and it sure looks at times like the foolish path). —Or you can stay on those shadowy elm streets where you let your insecurities cut you to gummy ribbons. The only real choice is the frigid, foolish freedom of surrendering to Christ. Christ may tell you to get the best attorney you can afford (I held back saying that the first time) but only Jesus knows if your spouse is a good or bad willed person —so Jesus needs to tell you that. —He needs to tell you that. . . . .It may be okay to separate from and finally divorce a bad-willed, narcissistic person. —And that is so, so hard for me to say that. My mind just screams: no, No, NO!!! Divorce is only allowed for adultery and then NO remarriage, ever. We have to have rules or the whole thing will just unravel! But as Jesus said: Luke 12:57 “Why don’t you judge for yourselves what is right?” . . . . —Lord, we have to actually to think for ourselves? —Lord, are you kidding me, —I need certainty! . . . .We can claim certainty but just like on so many other topics, we just don’t know for sure. The reason that we don’t know is really complicated and involves many dissertations on textual variants/ interpolations/ redactions/ textual alterations/ additions, et. al. —And that is where Raw Truth comes in as well as Jesus in the NO-SPIN zone. That’s where the Bible’s manuscript evidence has been demonstrated. The last 275 years of textual research has taught us that the recovery of original sayings of Jesus is. . . . . well, —w-e-l-l, it is just too much to summarize (you can start on it for free) THE LIVING TEXT OF THE GOSPELS (David Parker) see CHAPTER 5 The sayings on marriage and divorce . . . every textual variant is explained in those chapters https://archive.org/details/D.c.Parker-TheTextOfTheLivingGospels —That’s almost 2,000 year’s worth but we have even more variants on those versus because of manuscript finds in the last ten years. . . . The Bible is a complex book, it’s full of puzzles and mysteries (I wish it wasn’t). There are lots of equally supportable translations, et. al. . . . . And that’s the desert of the real.
. . . You know why I read this BLOG? —Because I think the work here is FAR more important than everybody here even understands. If Christian marriages are not good, well that is really just the LAST straw. If Christian marriages are not good, we really don’t have much of ANY witness. We can’t (–I certainly can’t, even with a PhD –if ANYONE can, help us all out!). . .—We can’t demonstrate the existence of a soul –any soul; We can’t demonstrate that heaven or hell exists –If anyone can, I wish they would —Demonstrating either one would be equally good. We can’t demonstrate that eternity is even a possibility for a soul. . . . If Christian marriages are not good, well that is really, really just the LAST straw. BUT if Christian marriages are good —that is demonstrable.
Most people are not bad-willed and I bet your husband is not either –but you may need to separate to get him to realize that. Some men only understand power. . . . But everything needs to be done with love. . . . . . Your husband just does not realize/understand how much FUN a good marriage really is. It just is, if you know the Lord and do it HIS way!!! —In fact, it shouldn’t even be that much fun but it just is. . . It just is!. . . If you are respecting and loving your wife really well, she’ll work with you –BIG TIME!
. . . The really cool thing is that it is clear that your heart is teachable and that you are willing to work on yourself –Bravo! –So let me remind you that if you are truly HIS, then you are a champion eternal, a daughter of the Living Light, a person of the highest caliber.
Thank you so much for your encouragement and really, really hearing my heart.
I will do my best to really listen to God and follow his instruction, realizing His way may be VERY HARD, but prove rewarding.
. . . It was an honor and privilege to hear your heart. Godspeed to you! —There exists, for everyone, -a series of words- that has the power to just destroy you. –Another series of words that can heal you. . . . If you’re fortunate, you will get the second, but you can be certain of getting the first –multiple times in this life. –That’s why we always need the Lord Jesus. The truth WILL set us free BUT first it will BREAK our hearts. That TRUTH often takes us places we never wanted to go –go anyway. . .
Thank you so much for your love and prayers. It helps me. But I struggle with trying to talk to God when I feel the enemy telling me to hurt my husband as he has hurt me but then I couldn’t since he thinks he’s done nothing wrong-I want to scream with the attack I feel constantly-please tell me how to find God when He feels so far away-
Susan. I’m so glad you asked. You are right to not listen to the enemy. And you have the power in Jesus Christ to tell him out loud to leave you alone. I can tell you that if you walk this path leaning on God, He will teach you, and you will grow, and His glory will shine through you. To reconnect with our Lord, start in Proverbs, read the date. Then multiply the number by 5 and read that # plus 4 more going backwards in Psalms. For example, the 1st you’d read Proverbs 1 and Psalms 1-5.
And just listen. And obey what you read. And He’ll make Himself known. It’s His way.
Keep us posted.
Love to you,
Susan, the temptation to give in to the enemy’s enticements in your pain is great but it will leave you even more empty. John 10:10 The theif comes to kill, steal and destroy but Christ Jesus comes to give life and give it more abundantly. As you resist the pain by pouring your heart out to Christ rather than reacting to the temptation to defend yourself or lash out to hurt him thereby easing your own hurt (all things I’ve done)when you wait and submit to God’s Word for you in the matter you are demonstrating trust and your obedience will begin to open your heart to feel His presence in such a sweet way. This was such a huge step for me. To be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry considering everything he had done, and continued doing to hurt me. But somehow, God began the miraculous renewal of my faith and flooded me with His love by this first act of obedience. Praying for you and walking with you through this difficult season Susan for God’s glory.
I love this response. Exactly on target. Thank you.
Love to you, SO glad you are here!
. . . . . To the methodology above “. . . read the date. Then multiply the number by 5 and read that # plus 4 more going backwards. . .” . . . I would respectfully add this methodology: In the CONSENSUS apparatus (all the extant, valuable early manuscripts collated) of the Bible’s text, you will see the variant letter-ratings:
• The letter A indicates that the text is certain.
• The letter B indicates that the text is almost certain.
• The letter C indicates that scholars have difficulty in deciding which equally valuable textual variant to place in the text.
• The letter D indicates that scholars have great difficulty in arriving at any decision. —i.e., we just DON’T know.
• A-Ratings: 8.7%
• B-Ratings: 32.3%
• C-Ratings: 48.6 %
• D-Ratings: 10.4%
. . . So don’t forget to base decisions off of As and Bs . . . .Cs and Ds can be inspirational but decisions off As and Bs. . . . . .And let me remind EVERYONE that if you are truly HIS, then you are a champion eternal. –A daughter/son of the Living Light. —A person of the highest caliber. You (who have not already done so) can learn to read the text in the original languages and it changes everything for the better. –It’s just like the love languages. . . God’s are Koine Greek (primary), Hebrew, and a little Aramaic. Once you understand God’s language, syntax, logical flow, and the way those words work, how their meaning is determined (or not determined), the importance of context, and the avoidance of certain exegetical fallacies. . . . Look Out! . . . The difference between reading the Bible in its original languages vs. English translations is like the difference between watching a first generation black-and-white TV vs. a WALL-sized, high-definition plasma in Technicolor. Your Bible study is SO much more enriched—seriously better understanding, better accuracy, et. al.
I’ve been at the hospital proving to the nurses that my husband can walk with my help and no institution is necessary, thank you very much. Now I’m in the midst of wound care so severe that intimacy means we actually are sleeping in the same room but kissing is out of the question because he thinks, why kiss when we can’t do more. The moments when anger has blossomed from the seed of helplessness, I stand with shards of dreams at my feet. These are the moments when I remember my vow to God to refrain from dreaming about “someday” when I will be free again. It is not about what if he dies but more about what if he doesn’t this time. Today I honor God by honoring my husband. Today is all I can manage.
Oh, Amy. YES. Just do the next thing. I am praying for you. I’m so sorry for the Now you’re in, it sounds so hard. Hugs and prayers for you both. This cost you both much. Thank you for sharing.
Love to you,
Nina, Just read your posting–the title caught my eye since its what Ive been thinking about…A week ago my
husband totaled his car. He wasn’t hurt but could have been. Thanksgiving morning he cut me to shreds with a
45 minute list of my imperfections. I told him I felt he was so cold to me and that I come AFTER his office and his office mgr who texts him constantly. I know there is nothing going on between them but it still hurts when he
sits and texts her while Im sitting in the room and there is silence between us. He shredded me with rage covering the last 30 yrs. I am in such pain reliving his comments on a never ending tape in my head. His office is
everything to him and he resents that I don’t feel the same…I feel it is his “mistress.” He shows no remorse for
hurting me- he goes about his day as if nothing happened. I on the other hand, find it so hard to function let alone live. I thought about the accident and if he had died. I almost wish it would have happened so I wouldn’t
have had to hear him rant about all Ive done wrong in our relationship. And… I scare myself in my feelings of
relief if he was gone. He never takes blame. He is the king of rationalization. I am unworthy of his love since I
don’t participate in his love of office…I cry out to Our Lord to help me deal with the pain and for guidance as to
what to do now. You always say we are not alone. But I am alone. I have no one to talk to and God doesn’t offer
me peace. Maybe I should just kill myself and make him suffer-but then again everyone loves him and he would
find only love and sympathy. I don’t know what to do. The pain is overwhelming. I just want it to stop. I find it most difficult to do the Respect Dare. The waves of pain and anger overwhelm me. Does God care? Or am I
a disappointment to Him too?
Sweet sister… please hear me: the enemy of our soul wants us to believe we are alone. That is not true! You are, even today, being surrounded by a fellowship of women who are lifting you up and petitioning God’s throne on your behalf! I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. If I were there, I would cry with you and hug you as would many reading your post. I have found that simply knowing there is another human being who cares about my pain was enough to keep me going when I’ve wanted to give up. I know Christ loves me. I know His promises are all “yes and amen” and I know He made us to be relational creatures in His image. I’m so thankful you have shared your heart today, that was a HUGE first step, that must’ve taken such courage. I’ll be praying for your heart and marriage and I know from experience that I’ve found hope in the midst of the pain. Please don’t give up!
Oh Susan…my heart aches for you…and to be honest I kinda want to slap your husband…you are not alone as the Enemy wants you to believe. To me it sounds as if your husband has some deep hurt and his way of dealing with it is lashing out at the one person he feels he can safely let the anger out at and you won’t leave him. I’m praying he awakens to the pain he is causing you and changes. I wish I had an answer to this, I wish I was near you and could hug you. My first advice is prayer…pray for you husband and his heart and need for Jesus (or at least that he will truly allow Jesus to be Lord of his life). I completely understand that doing The Respect Dare right now is hard, but I believe you need to complete it. In my own marriage, we were at a very rocky place when I started it. (It took me 4 1/2 months to get through the 40 dares…cause I just plain didn’t want to do some of them for him cause I didn’t like him enough at the moment). But finally getting through those tough times changed me to the point that even if my marriage stayed crappy…I was going to be obeying God by doing my part in the marriage by His standards. By doing so, my marriage turned around and is amazing now! We still have our issues and I times I want to throw my hands up, but my heft has changed and so has his. He too was more in love with his “job” and had a lady “friend” on the side. It hurt so much. Finding this group and The Respect Dare showed me no matter what I was not alone and God would give me the support and strength to do it. Prayers my dear!!
I am so thankful these sweet sisters have chimed in – you are NOT alone. You are a treasure, precious to God. How do I know this? And I do KNOW this… because I can read. Check this: http://ninaroesner.com/who-am-i/ and then remember this – ALL of the people in the Bible struggled. Suffered. All of them cried buckets of tears, shook their fists at Heaven, wondering, “WHY???” But God. He has teaching for us, things we can’t see in the midst of the Now we are in. Later, things are more clear.
Don’t give up. Don’t quit. And don’t turn your back on the gift of life He’s given you. Stop fighting and yield to Him – and His truth will set you free. It doesn’t make you a doormat, either. It makes you a woman of strength and dignity. A woman that speaks the truth in love. A woman who makes God smile.
Dig into the Word, spend more time in prayer – but spend time listening, maybe reading Proverbs and Psalms daily until you’re done, then do it again.
And know you are welcome here, anytime, and that you are loved by us, but definitely adored by Him.
You are His favorite! (and so am I!) 🙂
Love to you, dear sister.
This Now will pass. We cry and pray with you, and stand firm, holding you up when you can’t.
Praying for you, beloved.
I wrote before about our 3 week stay at the Cleveland Clinic and how sick my husband was in the summer of 2013. As much as I realized that death was certainly a possibility for him I just had a feeling of peace that everything would be ok. I felt like God knew I wouldn’t do well in this life without my husband. Fast forward a few months later to February 2014 when I discovered he was having inappropriate text conversations with my best friend and he subsequently told me he no longer loved me. That is when I got angry at God and asked over and over again why He would have him/us make it through all of that only to have this happen. What was the point? Why didn’t He just let him die? It felt like that would have been easier than dealing with him not loving me! Now several months later I can see things so much more clearly-I needed to change as a wife, ALOT! And I don’t think I would have made those changes without this struggle. I have learned to be respectful and submissive and things have gotten so much better. We have a long way to go but it took us years to reach the breaking point so I expect the healing to take time as well. If you asked me today if I am glad my husband survived surgery I would answer with a resounding YES! I am so thankful for him, thankful that we are communicating, sharing with each other, laughing, smiling, etc. I feel awful that I even wished he would have died but I know now that God was in charge, he knew what he was doing even if I thought it was awful! I read all of your posts and think of what you are going through and remember what that time felt like for me. I wish that there was something I could do to help but from experience I know that it is a time of ‘one foot in front of the other’, deep breaths to hold back tears and lots of praying. My heart aches for you as you go through all of this and I pray everything will go smoothly and you will come out the other side stronger than you were before!
🙂 August. Thank you for this. Those words above will encourage many, and they cost you much. Thank you.
Love to you,
Oh Nina! You have put God’s finger on my pulse. He has taught me to be thankful in the Now of heartache and loss 2Cor.6:10. He has taught me to live expectantly in the Now of rejection Psalm62:5 and He continues to teach me to love exuberantly in the Now of renewal Romans 5:5. So grateful for His faithfulness Ephesians 3:20. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Love to you Nina and gratitude to our Father. He does all things well!
His timing is always so perfect, too. 🙂 So glad you are here, Amy.
So sorry you’ve suffered… but we’re not alone, are we?
Love to you,
Comments are closed.