A heaviness set in our hearts when “3-4 years from now, let’s just monitor things,” became “probably this summer.”
An even deeper sink occurred when “probably this summer,” became, “the surgeon needs to see the test results, and you need to talk to him.”
We had the strangest of conversations on Friday when he talked with the surgeon’s office. “They said December is booked, so maybe January,” he said. I looked at him and just knew and said, “I think December’s still an option.”
Sunday, digging around in the back of my closet for a winter skirt to maybe wear to church, I saw the dress I had planned on wearing to the wedding of a dear friend of mine’s son. “I won’t need it,” ran through my head.
And then, when I expected to wait forever, word came.
It is to happen in December.
Testing starts next week.
Let the scramble of keeping the life I run for my kids be set in motion. Find the people. Figure out the details. Make the spreadsheet.
Stop reading about surgery complications because it’s scaring the tar out of you. Surgery can’t be avoided – if it doesn’t happen soon, he may not be here next year, maybe even sooner. Stop worrying and trust Him more. He’s always always always good. All-the-time style.
I had steeled my heart to wait well, to take thoughts captive, to BE His love in the midst of this stretch.
But yesterday, I snapped at my beautiful daughter. I later apologized, and she forgave, but UGH. You know. More of Him, less of me, okay, none of me, because I’m likely to just be terrified if I THINK too long.
And just prepare. Don’t think, just DO. THE. NEXT. THING.
Unfortunately, the next thing started with telling my friend I wasn’t going to make the wedding. I’m sad about that, but I know where I need to be.
Truth be told, I was really looking forward to getting all dressed up and going out with my husband, going to a wedding, thinking all day about marriage-y things. Dancing at the reception, celebrating LIFE. Both the life He gave us, and the raw breathe-in-breathe-out of knowing someone for nearly 3 decades, and being married close to a quarter of a century to him.
We’ll dance instead with an IV pole, he and I.
Somehow Christmas will still happen, and I’ve been looking for an excuse to get a TINY tree… looks like this will be the year.
Oh, yeah, it’s Christmas.
He insisted “Life continues as normal” for the kids. I wrapped my arms around him and said, “Normal is different now.” I don’t even know what that means, or if it matters.
We had a great fight this weekend. At one point he asked me a question, to which I replied, “Because I’m really mad at you right now, and I don’t want to.” He said, “Well, that was transparent!” and we both laughed.
This magazine showed up in the mail today:
When I saw it, I did a double-take, and whispered to the One Who Knows Me, “Father, let it be so.”
Right now, the “Season of Joy” is a choice I’m making. Minutia moment-to-moment style making that choice. Doing what is right and not giving way to fear (1 Peter 3:6 Sarah style).
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for today, yesterday, for this Now. I choose.
I hope Christmas is a sweet time for us all as a family. I’m not looking forward to a number of things that are about to become a really difficult Now to be in, but we’ll get through it.
I’m most thankful right now for the gift of foreknowledge He gave me. It occurred to me that He prepared me for this, that He didn’t shock my heart with this news of this really different Holy-day season of joy upon us. I am thankful that He’s taught me to listen and this once, I paid attention long enough to just know and not be surprised.
Thanks for being on the journey with me. Somehow I feel like I’m crawling this rough part of the road a little better because you’re here – I’m not alone.
For now, I’m clinging to this:
Psalm 119: 57-68
57 The Lord is my portion;
I promise to keep your words.
58 I entreat your favor with all my heart;
be gracious to me according to your promise.
59 When I think on my ways,
I turn my feet to your testimonies;
60 I hasten and do not delay
to keep your commandments.
61 Though the cords of the wicked ensnare me,
I do not forget your law.
62 At midnight I rise to praise you,
because of your righteous rules.
63 I am a companion of all who fear you,
of those who keep your precepts.
64 The earth, O Lord, is full of your steadfast love;
teach me your statutes!
65 You have dealt well with your servant,
O Lord, according to your word.
66 Teach me good judgment and knowledge,
for I believe in your commandments.
67 Before I was afflicted I went astray,
but now I keep your word.
68 You are good and do good;
teach me your statutes.
I’m sorry I don’t have a question for you today. I don’t really know why I’m writing about this stuff… feel led, yes, but it makes no sense to me.
This… this image below is the one that I see over and over in my head.
Then… then the tears come. Because I don’t know what’s down that road. Actually, I have a bit too much experience with thoracic surgeries with my boys... so I know some of it, but not anything about heart surgery.
So there’s that.
And there’s “road girl.”
She’s doing all she can to take her thoughts captive.
Love to you,