What do you do with a heavy heart?
A heaviness set in our hearts when “3-4 years from now, let’s just monitor things,” became “probably this summer.”
An even deeper sink occurred when “probably this summer,” became, “the surgeon needs to see the test results, and you need to talk to him.”
We had the strangest of conversations on Friday when he talked with the surgeon’s office. “They said December is booked, so maybe January,” he said. I looked at him and just knew and said, “I think December’s still an option.”
Sunday, digging around in the back of my closet for a winter skirt to maybe wear to church, I saw the dress I had planned on wearing to the wedding of a dear friend of mine’s son. “I won’t need it,” ran through my head.
And then, when I expected to wait forever, word came.
It is to happen in December.
Testing starts next week.
Next.
Week.
Breathe.
Let the scramble of keeping the life I run for my kids be set in motion. Find the people. Figure out the details. Make the spreadsheet.
Stop reading about surgery complications because it’s scaring the tar out of you. Surgery can’t be avoided – if it doesn’t happen soon, he may not be here next year, maybe even sooner. Stop worrying and trust Him more. He’s always always always good. All-the-time style.
I had steeled my heart to wait well, to take thoughts captive, to BE His love in the midst of this stretch.
But yesterday, I snapped at my beautiful daughter. I later apologized, and she forgave, but UGH. You know. More of Him, less of me, okay, none of me, because I’m likely to just be terrified if I THINK too long.
Just pray.
And just prepare. Don’t think, just DO. THE. NEXT. THING.
Unfortunately, the next thing started with telling my friend I wasn’t going to make the wedding. I’m sad about that, but I know where I need to be.
Truth be told, I was really looking forward to getting all dressed up and going out with my husband, going to a wedding, thinking all day about marriage-y things. Dancing at the reception, celebrating LIFE. Both the life He gave us, and the raw breathe-in-breathe-out of knowing someone for nearly 3 decades, and being married close to a quarter of a century to him.
We’ll dance instead with an IV pole, he and I.
I hope…pray…beg…honestly…
Somehow Christmas will still happen, and I’ve been looking for an excuse to get a TINY tree… looks like this will be the year.
Oh, yeah, it’s Christmas.
He insisted “Life continues as normal” for the kids. I wrapped my arms around him and said, “Normal is different now.” I don’t even know what that means, or if it matters.
We had a great fight this weekend. At one point he asked me a question, to which I replied, “Because I’m really mad at you right now, and I don’t want to.” He said, “Well, that was transparent!” and we both laughed.
This magazine showed up in the mail today:
When I saw it, I did a double-take, and whispered to the One Who Knows Me, “Father, let it be so.”
Right now, the “Season of Joy” is a choice I’m making. Minutia moment-to-moment style making that choice. Doing what is right and not giving way to fear (1 Peter 3:6 Sarah style).
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for today, yesterday, for this Now. I choose.
I hope Christmas is a sweet time for us all as a family. I’m not looking forward to a number of things that are about to become a really difficult Now to be in, but we’ll get through it.
Together.
I’m most thankful right now for the gift of foreknowledge He gave me. It occurred to me that He prepared me for this, that He didn’t shock my heart with this news of this really different Holy-day season of joy upon us. I am thankful that He’s taught me to listen and this once, I paid attention long enough to just know and not be surprised.
Thanks for being on the journey with me. Somehow I feel like I’m crawling this rough part of the road a little better because you’re here – I’m not alone.
For now, I’m clinging to this:
Psalm 119: 57-68
57 The Lord is my portion;
I promise to keep your words.
58 I entreat your favor with all my heart;
be gracious to me according to your promise.
59 When I think on my ways,
I turn my feet to your testimonies;
60 I hasten and do not delay
to keep your commandments.
61 Though the cords of the wicked ensnare me,
I do not forget your law.
62 At midnight I rise to praise you,
because of your righteous rules.
63 I am a companion of all who fear you,
of those who keep your precepts.
64 The earth, O Lord, is full of your steadfast love;
teach me your statutes!
65 You have dealt well with your servant,
O Lord, according to your word.
66 Teach me good judgment and knowledge,
for I believe in your commandments.
67 Before I was afflicted I went astray,
but now I keep your word.
68 You are good and do good;
teach me your statutes.
I’m sorry I don’t have a question for you today. I don’t really know why I’m writing about this stuff… feel led, yes, but it makes no sense to me.
This… this image below is the one that I see over and over in my head.
Then… then the tears come. Because I don’t know what’s down that road. Actually, I have a bit too much experience with thoracic surgeries with my boys... so I know some of it, but not anything about heart surgery.
So there’s that.
And there’s “road girl.”
She’s doing all she can to take her thoughts captive.
Love to you,
Nina, my husband Ray has been having some health challenges, too, this year. Doctors have done tests to find out what is causing the pain, prescribe meds that don’t work, and guess again. And the guessing and tests are costing a lot of money even with good insurance. So this post about the “unknown” and focusing on the now and being thankful is timely. We can take nothing for granted. Thank you for sharing so openly. You have always inspired me so. You are such a godly wife role model for those of us who battle daily with it. Blessings and I am praying for your hubby’s complete healing, fast recovery, peace, and the surgeon’s skillful hands with no complications. May you know God’s sabbath rest in this time. Beth
Be joyful Nina! Be joyful for the moments you have had and will have…
Open heart surgery has come a long long way! Yes its still a scary thing, but surgeons today have it down pretty good!
Thank you so much for sharing your emotions as you travel into this unknown season in your marriage. Your daily posts encourage and inspire me as I minister to women who have conflicts with their husband. I have shared with a few women your Respect Dare book and am looking forward to hearing the testimonies. I appreciate your ministry to women and praying for a blessed Thanksgiving with your loved ones. Let go and let God and see his miracles in the midst of it all.
Blessings
Angeles –
God is good indeed. 🙂 All the time, right? Even when we don’t see it. I’m glad He’s called you to leadership – few choose to walk that lonely road, and it’s good to know you are there. I feel like He’s calling an army of women to lead and help others. I pray more follow your example and say YES! 🙂 I love what He’s doing – and am thankful to not be alone. And thank you so much for your prayers. 🙂
Love to you,
~Nina
You are sharing your heart and God uses your thoughts to touch us. Many of us will be or are walking through difficult life experiences and you honest sharing encourages us! Thanks and many prayers for you and your hubby!
Thank you, Loretta. We appreciate the prayers. I’m glad these things are useful to you, any good is all Him. Love to you,
~Nina
Thank you for sharing life with us… I’ve been so blessed by your writings in the past, and even today, continue to be. I am praying for your family, and thank you again for letting the Lord lead you, and showing us what that looks like. Blessings to you and your family.
Any good is all Him, Debbi. 🙂 Thank you so much for the prayers and encouragement.
So glad you are here.
Love to you,
~Nina
You have no idea how on time this was for me. I thank you for writing your journey. I have surgery next week and I’m fearful about it. I have been a wreck all week, my poor family. Your words gave hope and light. Sometimes we just need to know we aren’t alone. God bless you and I am praying for you!
Praying for you, too, Starlit. I know how this is, and I’m so sorry.
I’m glad He reached you with Himself today – any good is all Him. 🙂
God bless you, and may your surgery go well. So glad you are here!
Love to you,
~Nina
Thank you, love back to you as well! 😉 ~Tinika
Sweet friend, my heart is there with you and I’m praying. Praying that you do what you can to enjoy the holidays while laying down all sense of necessity outside of the actual necessities. Praying for the surgery. Praying for a swift healing. Praying over the continued success and growth of your marriage and the ones you’re called to grow. Praying for your ministry “arms” to continue growing and picking up where your role has changed a bit and grown.
You’re a beautiful woman of God. I’m honored to know you. Honored to admire and respect you. Honored to be your sister.
Thank you, Jen. Any good is all Him… my heart, well. I know you know. And the honor is mine, baby. 🙂
Love to you,
~Nina
My heart bleeds with you. Keep trusting and know that God sees the big picture and already knows the outcome. Keep taking one step at a time with your hand in God’s hand. Knowing that you’re with Him. Prayers going heavenward for you and your family…
Arlene – Thank you for your kind words. That whole image of “bleeding hearts” takes on a totally new meaning these days. Thank you so much for your prayers. They’re precious and highly coveted.
Love to you,
~Nina
Nina, go about your holiday traditions as much as you can and when satan crawls in your mind and leaves with doubt and worry, repeat to yourself or pray..”God’s(you’ve) got this. God’s(you’ve) got me.”
My dad was diagnosed with cancer again last week, this time much worse than the last. God’s got him. God’s got me. I think about how much he suffered at only a stage 1 and I’m sad because it’s much more advanced. God’s got this. I’m mad because he waited SO long to go to the Dr. to find out why his breathing is so shallow…God knows why. He is in God’s hands. Spend the time now to love and forgive and you will look back and realize that the joy of the season is Jesus and not circumstantial “do what the magazine on the shelf says” happiness. Much love and I’m praying for you and your family.
Kat – Oh, baby. I’m so sorry about your dad. And wise words. Thank you. I do believe this season will be one of essentials only, as there’s not going to be time for much else. And we really do believe less is so much more… I know you know. Thank you for your prayers – I’m offering my own up on your behalf today for your dad and your family. May His will be done, but may His glory shine in the midst, and most importantly, may we all SEE it, and find His hope in this Now that we are in.
Love to you,
~Nina
Nina, we are all standing with you in prayer, holding you and your hubby up before our good and loving God. I don’t know what else to say, other than, you are not alone, you are cherished, you are loved xxx
Louisew -thank you. Knowing you are praying is more than … well, anything. 🙂 Those prayers are precious to us. Love backatcha! 🙂
~Nina
Thank u for sharing your heart, Nina. My heart goes out to you. I cannot even imagine what you are going through and appreciate u taking the time to share your story with us, even if it doesn’t make sense to you to write about it. You are being obedient to God’s prompting and that pleases Him. You are also an inspiration to us in doing life one day at a time, trusting God. That is all we can do sometimes: do the next thing in front of us and trust God every step of the way.
Blessings to you and your family. You are in my prayers.
Aixa (have I told you how pretty your name is?). Obedience is hard on this sometimes, because honestly, I’d like to hunker down and just go back to bed. If God uses my feeble words to inspire, know it is Him who is doing it. I’m just trying to breathe. And not cry all the time. And trust Him with this Now that is unknown. And yes, those steps are small, and hopefully moving forward more than back.
Love to you,
~Nina