My mind was elsewhere, and I looked at her. I saw my friend and coworker’s mouth moving, and couldn’t answer the question she was asking.
It was something about upcoming possibilities with the ministry, but because it was a future situation, all I could think about was how dramatically different things might be…if my husband dies.
I took a deep breath, and said, “I’m so sorry. I have no idea what you just said. I haven’t been listening. I can’t believe I’m even thinking about this, but it’s clouding everything. Last night, he went out to buy dog food, and I thought, ‘Will it kill him to lift that?’ and…”
And then my heart filled my throat.
The tears welled.
My nose burned.
I put my face in my hands, trying to protect her from the sorrow and fear leaking out around my edges.
She got up from the table, walked over to me, and put her arms around me.
“It’s okay to cry,” she said.
“I just can’t right now,” I responded. “I have a meeting in half an hour, and I can’t start something that will last a while.”
The week before, the tears didn’t stop for hours. And I confess, I would rather be thinking about getting ready for the holidays than wondering if we’ll be spending them in a hospital.
The theme of the now we’re in seems to be “WAIT.”
We hoped to hear today or tomorrow what the surgeon thought about the latest test result – and when to schedule the surgery.
Instead, last night we found out that the records haven’t even been sent yet.
Moments of anger, fear, you name it…
So instead of having an answer this week, we have another full week to wait.
I don’t know about you, but I’m lousy at waiting. I’m better at it than I used to be, however.
I realize that God will often give you a dream, and then make you wait for it to come to fruition. Think through the Hebrews “hall of fame” passages – Hebrews 11.
Look at the wait God had for most of them.
Not much is said about it, either.
But the two most powerful words in the passage that communicate volumes to me are these: “By faith…“
By faith, they waited. By faith, moment to moment, in the minutia of the moments, those who are praised in the Bible are men and women of great faith.
And many of those minutia moments are tiny decisions, hundreds of times in a day, to battle back the fear, and choose faith instead.
This is what it means to walk in the Spirit.
We need to remember that the journey is a marathon – not a sprint.
This is how strength rises as we wait upon the Lord.
Isaiah 40:28-31 ESV
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is he everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; is understanding is unsearchable. 29 He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. 30 Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; 31 but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
Notice the walking and the running – implying some respite – and we are strong (in His strength) when we are weak.
I’m not striving for being awesome, however. I’m just trying to walk this leg of the journey well. I want to represent Him well in the midst of this Now. What does that look like? I wish I knew.
Am I waiting well? I don’t even know. I’m spending time with God, friends, family. I’m staying busy in the waiting because there is much to do (Daughters of Sarah launching in January, website upgrade, and too many writing projects going on). The thing that seems to help the most is being in His Word every chance I get, whether from an online devotional, or extended time reading.
Prayers are appreciated.
I feel like I’m daring us all to wait well.
What about you? Are you in a period of waiting?
What have you found that helps?
Would love to hear from you today. 🙂
Love to you,