All Men Want is Sex… ??
About once a week, I hear from a man regarding something I’ve written.
The latest submission explained very clearly one man’s thoughts about what men want.
What do you think? Here’s what he said:
I read your 101 things to do for your Husband. Nicely written – but purely from a woman’s perspective. Men don’t need any of those things – except – “Initiating intimacy” – that’s it. This really is all men need emotionally. This one thing alone tells men that my wife is in the right spot and loves me. Now, most women – including yourself, would think “how shallow, No, I wouldn’t want a man like that!” But the truth is, men were made to be tough and ignore a lot of things. But Physical intimacy speaks volumes to them. Since you are not a man, I can understand you not agreeing with me, or even understanding this perspective, but we men are designed to be able to “push” through the BS, and strive on. We really don’t need emotional support, but we definitely need physical intimacy.
I hope I haven’t lowered your thoughts of a man, but again, we men are highly efficient, taking the path of least resistance , in order to get to the final destination ASAP. We are Men.
In all fairness, he didn’t know that we got the list of 101 Ways to Respect Your Husband from research, from readers and their husbands, and from a well known acquaintance of mine, Shaunti Feldhahn. Her research says more than what he had to say, but I’m still seriously wondering what YOU think – can I trouble you to ask your husband what his thoughts are on this? Can you ask some of the other men in your life about it?
Can’t wait to hear what your reactions are to the above!!
Love to you,
KatyS.. I love that you spoke so openly with your daughter. I wish I had had these lessons earlier..
I think that just like women, all men are a little different in their needs, wants and desires… Maybe this man is serious that for him, that would be enough.. maybe once he got that need met, he would realize that he wants the other stuff too..
I know from asking my husband, that respect is MAJOR for him. If I tease too much, contradict him in public or in front of the kids, get too bossy/mommy like with him, that those things are a turn off and cause arguments..
YES, we have a healthy sex life.. YES I initiate.. YES, I flirt.. YES, I make an effort to make myself look a little better than sweatpants when he is coming home… but sex is not the be all end all of our marriage.
Respect is major for women too, it’s just that man made doctrines such as those that are pushed on marriage websites, have men thinking that only they are the ones who should get respect. And the doctrine has us silly, silly, weak women thinking that we do not deserve respect and that we should only give it to our husbands and worship and exalt them as we blowdown to them.
How wrong and how sad this all turns out. . I believe it might work better in relationships if we would not over do the “man needs respect” notion. It does a grave injustice to women, because it encourages emotional, verbal, and even physical abuse from men.
I pray for this nation. I pray for men who do not respect women and I definitely pray for the marriage websites written by men and women, that tell women to worship and exalt men.
Oct 9, 2014
Hey Jean, I’m glad you stopped by. I have been spending the last hour or so researching gender differences in communication behaviors – turns out there are many. I can appreciate your frustration for sites that don’t talk about women’s needs and I’m sorry if I offended you with this post or any others. I hope you’ll stick around so you can see my heart – I’m not a proponent of weak women, or women being second class citizens, nor am I a supporter of “stupid men” or “dominant men.” It is my heart to support and encourage women, and I’m sorry if you didn’t see that in the post above. I’ve not been writing long, and I have much to learn.
Love to you,
Nina
Jean, do you also pray for the men who do respect women, but who never get any respect from their wives? That’s how my marriage was.
our husbands need to feel wanted. this is a deep need and desire – to be desired. they feel wanted and desired when their wife wants to have sex with them. so yes, you could certainly say this is their #1 need, the only one if you had to choose just one. in my husband’s words, the other 100 things are nice, but honestly, if he feels wanted and is having that affirmed in the bedroom, the house can be a mess, the kids out of control, his job a wreck, and in general, the world can be falling apart around him, and he will be okay. he added, this is exactly how pornography hooks so many men. it is designed with this need in mind, and to the man looking for someone to want him, those women depict that desire perfectly and for a moment it satisfies. like all deceptions, it proves to be empty, but the trap works and the shame keeps them there. personally, his answer is a huge relief to me. I’ve got one thing to focus on that will make him feel on top of the world no matter what is going on. I put a lot of pressure on myself to ‘measure up’ in so many areas that I can easily overcomplicate life, so it feels like a gift to have this simplified for me.
was just thinking how sex communicates to men acceptance, love, desire, affirmation. it’s communication. as a woman, I can easily turn sex into just a physical act, a physical need. I think we may have it backwards when we say men just want something physical. for them it is so much more.
My Knight suggested an alternative title this man might have in mind: #1 thing you can do for your husband and 100 other things that are nice. We laughed. So this is our conversation:
him: At the end of the day, if you ask me “do you want sex or a respectful wife”? I’d say sex.
me: So, if your wife is disagreeable all day long, her body language is such that she dislikes you, you still want to have sex with her?
him: well …. yes I still want sex, no, not with her …. but that complicates things *smile* I still want sex, I just won’t pursue it with her.
We then had a full on conversation (with our bride to be daughter included) about how sex is necessary.How THIS scenario is what leads to adultery and/or pornography. Man wants sex ALWAYS and if his wife is no longer desirable to him (because of actions and attitude – HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PHYSICAL APPEARANCE) he will choose other means to satisfy that need. We told our daughter the importance of building up her husband and the follow through of lovingly meeting his needs, she is going into her marriage knowing that there IS a #1 but the other 100 are keys to a good marriage.
BUT then the conversation went to both of our previous marriages. My Knight was married for 17 years. He said that when the “honeymoon” phase wore off he was confused by the lack of sex. His wife moved to disrespect quickly in their marriage, she treated him like a child, her attitude was not attractive to him – bedtime would come and even though he NEEDED sex. he chose not to pursue that, and she never complained. I asked him if he ever told her that her actions were causing him pain and pushing him away, he said it never crossed his mind. For him, he took his marriage vows seriously, he believes that pornography is adultery and did not pursue that either but he said that he fully understands why some men go that route. Sex is important, it’s #1 in importance but it is NOT the only thing. This is a REAL example that even though he needed sex, he chose to go without because those other 100 things weren’t being tried.
My Knight can see the point of the original writer but does not stand side-by-side with him on his take of sex being the ONLY thing.
(shared with permission)
Although my husband agrees that a man likes it when a woman initiates intimacy because it makes him feel loved and it makes him feel he is doing something right in the relationship, he disagrees that a man’s only emotional need from his wife is – “Initiating intimacy”. He believes that the man who wrote this is probably very young and/or not married for very long. He agrees that your list of 101 Ways to Respect Your Husband expresses more in line of what it takes to make a man feel loved & respected.
I have two comments here:
1. Yes, the list is oriented to the needs of men, not women. But there is one big need I have as a man, and that is to know how I can meet my wife’s needs, and to know that I am, in fact, meeting her needs.
2. I am not the stereotypical man; I will want lots of hugs with my wife, and I will want to emotionally connect with her. I used the word “stereotypical”, because I don’t believe that all men are alike. But the only man you ever hear about is the one who wants only sex from his wife. What I will want is lots of hugs and some sex. And I’ll want my heart to be able to safely trust her. I think there are a sizeable number of men like me on these issues, but sadly you never hear about them; you hear only about those men who want sex and nothing more. Likewise, I believe there are women who demand sex from their husbands, but who otherwise don’t care about their husbands. But you never hear about them either.
Thank you, Nina, for publishing the 101 list for men. I REALLY want to know how to meet the needs of my wife when one day I remarry.
I should have said that the list is oriented to the needs of women not men!
I don’t think this man speaks for all men when he says “we don’t need emotional support”. My husband does not agree anyway. Perhaps what he’s trying to suggest is that without the physical intimacy, all the rest falls short. We can’t make up for a lack of sex with better meals, a cleaner house, a bigger paycheck, or more “I love you”s.
I love the comparison with women needing conversation. A husband can provide, protect, defend, but if he does all of this without speaking to us, we won’t feel loved. (Generally speaking, lol)
That’s my $.02 for what that’s worth. 🙂
If I didn’t know otherwise, I would have thought that my husband wrote this. Physical intimacy would be at the top of his list, too (thought I’m not entirely sure it would be the ONLY thing on his list, but close). In 31 years of marriage, he has only ever openly asked for emotional support one time, but physical intimacy is extremely important. In fact, I would say physical intimacy is his emotional support. It saddens me when women think, “how shallow!”. I believe, like the writer said, that is how men are designed, just like women are designed with a more emotional nature (yes, I know there are exceptions and variations within each gender, but let’s not pretend men and women are interchangeable. As the French say, viva la difference!). My husband is not shallow; he is a wonderful man with many great qualities and he loves me. I am happy to provide “emotional support” whenever he wants it.
While I think it’s true, that as men, we need more than sex, it’s also true, that sex is the only thing that our wives can offer, that no one else can. Obviously I’m speaking of Christian marriage. in a worldly marriage, I hear men constantly talking about their infidelity, as if it’s something to be proud of.And women throughout my marriage have offered themselves to me sexually.This is as common, as it is sinful. And it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with the enemy’s design for us.
Enthusiastic sexual desire for your husband is the wall that keeps the enemy at bay from temptation. It is also a very palpable indication of your respect and admiration, that if lacking , puts an air of insincerity to all other forms of respect.My humble opinion, worth every cent you paid for it. God bless you, and yours.
Thanks for the specific wording “an air of insincerity” – that is GREAT information for me.