Three Things to Consider Before Getting Married…
The marriages all start out the same – big party, gobs of joy, intense happiness.
And about 2-3 years in, I’m getting a phone call or email from the bride.
She’s lost her joy and wondering what to do about it.
I know when it happened to me, I was surprised, shocked, and miserable. I literally thought I had married the wrong person.
Thankfully, I was wrong about that!
We spend a lot of time talking about how to walk through our marriage in a way God intends for us here, and there are many things one should consider before getting married…
These are just a few that jumped off the page to me today.
Three things you should know if you are considering marriage:
- 1 Corinthians 7:28 lets you know you will have trouble if you get married – someone in your life might be trying to tell you that. You should listen. The way you feel now is going to “wear off” as the “infatuation stage” dissipates for nearly all couples sometime between 6 months and 18 months after marriage. Yeah, I know, you’re probably young, believe it won’t happen to you, and because your frontal lobe (the part of your brain that facilitates common sense) isn’t fully developed until ages 25-27, you think you know better. Okay. Come back in a few years. I’ll be praying for you. 🙂
- You should not get married to someone who does not follow Christ. 2 Corinthians 6:14 is pretty clear – and understand, when you have the “trouble” mentioned above, it’s worse when your husband or wife doesn’t have faith as a basis for decision making. We see this frequently – it’s worth talking about and making certain you and your future spouse will have the same foundation upon which to do life.
- Check your spouse’s level of anger before you get married. Proverbs 22:24-25 tells you not to even associate with someone easily angered – these folks are not just contagious as the verse says, but immature – you’ll become like them. Understand that what causes someone to get angry is a significant reflection of a person’s character and maturity. This means be engaged for at least two years like Dr. Kevin Leman recommends, so you can see your potential mate in a number of different circumstances. Know you can’t change this person, btw. If parents who have known and cared for him/her better than you do at the moment haven’t been able to facilitate growth for this person, what makes you think you can change him or her? It doesn’t happen – and if this is a 2nd or 3rd marriage for either of you, understand that your chances of success are even less likely, statistically speaking. Listen to your friends and family. They aren’t caught up in infatuation. 🙂
What about you? How have you dealt with some of these things? I know some of us married unbelievers and angry men anyway, and many of us are dealing with the troubles!
And God is good all the time, isn’t He? He means it for our good – so how has good come out of your situation? Dare you to share today, and maybe join us by subscribing as we journey through The Respect Dare together, learning how we can turn things around and find our joy again. 🙂 We’re on Dare 14 this week, but we’re just doing one a week, so just jump in – you’ll get caught up in no time! 🙂
If you are parenting small people, you should totally follow Leah and Debbie if you have tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings. Like us on Facebook so you can know when Daughters of Sarah becomes available in video format this year. I’m also active on Twitter as @NinaRoesner. Come join the discussion!
And PLEASE keep us in our prayers as we walk through the next steps of finishing the work for the video version of Daughters of Sarah!! We’re back in the studio this week. I can speak to large groups of people, but the camera… not my favorite!
Love to you,
This is amazing advice and I wish it were around 27 years ago when I married!! I would like to offer some hope for those who may be facing challenges today. My husband was not saved when we married and I truly thought he would change when I married him. He was and is a great man but unbeknownst to me had some demons from his past when I married him. Over the years he has struggled with this demons and just last year I found The Respect Dare right after I met with our pastor because I didn’t think I could do it any longer. I didn’t want a divorce but couldn’t live the way we were living. I started reading and working through each dare. It brought ME closer to God (yes me!) and opened my eyes to what I needed to be doing in our marriage. I can tell you that it has completely transformed me, my husband, and our marriage. It had an almost immediate impact on our relationship and the change in my husband is nothing short of miraculous. We are happier than we have ever been in our entire lives and both of us would tell you this. He tells me daily what I mean to him, how much he loves me, how he cannot wait to get home and he frequently text me to see how I’m doing. God does know what he’s doing when he brings us together! He can work miracles if we get out of HIS way and let HIM. If you are one of the people like me that didn’t have Nina’s great advice before you married don’t give up. Seek HIM, Respect your husband and do what God has called you to do and HE will take care of the rest. I am so GRATEFUL and happy that I didn’t give up and finally got out of God’s way and let HIM take care of my husband.
nice read.. I’m one of those young married couples that knows and believes the infatuation stage will wear off.. Good thing I married him for more than his looks! (;
There is no such thing as the “right” person. I think that gets us in a lot of trouble in Christian circles and society as a whole. It lends itself easily to the false notion that “the one”/your “soul mate” will fall out of the air and into your lap because “it’s meant to be” and at the first sign of trouble (that God said we would have) we’re sure its all wrong or that this just isn’t how “its supposed to be.” I would also add that someone who is going in the same direction as you (same Christian faith, same worldview, same goals, same idea of marriage and parenting, etc.) and by “same” I mean aligned and/or complementary not that it will just magically be exactly the same.
Agreed. Makes me crazy what’s taught in some of the Christian culture! So glad you are here today, Kimber.
Love to you,
Engaged for 2 years? My word. I have been dating a man for 1 year, plus 2 years to be engaged (if we were to get engaged, which is not in the cards right now.) My eggs will be rotten by that time. Totally discouraging.
Ash. Discouraging indeed. Though there’s plenty that would say that many Christians equate “dating” and “engaged” if the dating is serious to begin with. Tough to make life choices in such a short period of time, but if you’ve known him for a while, maybe that counts. 🙂
Prayers for you, regardless.
Love to you,
I have been dancing around getting your book, Nina. I wish that the “dating” was serious, I thought that it was, but now, I don’t know. I brought up the idea of going to pre-marital counselling even if we are not “engaged” and he has said that he is “unsure” and doesn’t feel “at peace” about moving forward. He also doesn’t have the guts to call if off (my words, not his) I am so frustrated. I would like a plan, either move forward towards marriage or move away from each other. I just don’t know if he is a plan kind of guy and I don’t think that there are enough role models/leadership in relationship for men. He doesn’t have a dad, so that’s not an option. He is a Christian. Obviously you don’t know either of us personally, but what advice might you give? I don’t like staying in this limbo and feel like I have to perform a certain way to try to get him to want to choose me. Gosh, this probably doesn’t make sense or sounds crazy.
I would be sure to include to seek God FIRST in choosing a husband and not to simply ask for approval on someone you’ve already chosen. I think most people who skip this step say things like “Why did God have me marry this person?” Well, he gave you free will and you didn’t seek His. That doesn’t mean He won’t work it for His good and perfect will but that doesn’t mean it will be easy either.
Also I would add that they be a follower who brings out your best and refines you to be better. Again, a lot of young wives I talk to say that they felt “tricked” because their husband said he was a believer and went to church with them and then when they got married, just stopped after they got married.
And marry someone you can parent with. Most people just hope to make it through premarriage counseling and into the first few years of marriage and then are 1) surprised when these little people come along and 2) that they have to parent with this person. Prepare for parenting similarly to preparing for marriage as it will occupy much of it.
The wisely and Godly counsel of many advisers is important. If everyone you know well and knows you well doesn’t think he’d make a good husband, I don’t know why you’d consider marrying him.
And getting rid of the idea of only ONE right person existing for you. There is a big picture you get to be a part of it, But you are not a player on a chess board being forced against your will. If you follow the first one (seeking God FIRST) you are working to align your will with His anyway to make good and godly decisions that are a part of the big picture.
“Marry someone you can parent with” – now THAT’s one I haven’t heard! 🙂 Awesome.
Thanks so much!
Love to you,
And I’ll add Proverbs 23:12 today too.
1 Corinthians 7:9
OH YES THERE IS THAT!!! 🙂 LOL!
Love to you, Tee!
I am forwarding this to my daughter. She will possibly read some of it, I pray. Although there is not a prospective man in her future yet, I do wish there had been this kind of mentoring for me during the early years. That being said God is good and has been there every step, trip, and valley on my journey through this my second marriage. Still I appreciate your blog and the truths God gives you to share. Thank you.
Any good is from Him, Pat. Glad you are here.
Love to you, beautiful.
FABULOUS COUNSEL NINA! And to boot, extra points for using the word “gobs.” :p
Thanks, Kyle. Who doesn’t like extra points?
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