What is Modest?
So yesterday I shared a question from a reader on our Facebook page. She was wondering how being modest fit into being married when the competition dressed more provocatively. Was I saying we shouldn’t dress to please our husbands??
The answers and input from readers nailed the question. Be sure to check the comments. 🙂
THANK YOU. 🙂 We have some wise folks contributing, don’t we?
I promised to share with you what my husband had to say in response to what a gal should do if her husband wants her to dress in ways that show off cleavage and the details of her body, curve-wise.
He said, “If he wants his wife to dress like a prostitute, if he wants other men staring at her and thinking sexual thoughts about her, that says a lot about him as a man. He’s got issues.”
Interesting.
So while I work out, watch what I eat, and make effort to stay healthy, I know I do it for my marriage, for myself, for my husband, for my kids – obviously I don’t want the kiddos thinking inappropriate thoughts about women by what I model, either. I encourage you to do likewise. There’s tons of research out there about the positive effects exercise and eating healthy have on you – endorphin release is not the least of these. Freaking out about being super-thin also sends the wrong message. The world doesn’t need more young women obsessed with physical image – and we have to fight against that, even if we’re raising kids in Christian homes.
Honestly, the part of exercise I like the most?
Being done.
I love the way exercise makes me feel physically, but I also like the benefits to my skin, my brain, my sleep, my level of pain daily, and my energy levels. I run, do aerobics with kick boxing, ride horses (yes, that counts, but not in the cardio department) and do strength training. We have an elliptical that helps me get through the winter, along with a short-term gym membership.
And… the best part about running? The music and time with God. I pray when I run. It’s the best.
And then I get to be done for the day.
With the sweating part, I mean. I’m never done talking and listening to God.
Wish I had better hearing.
What about you? How are you taking care of the temple of the Holy Spirit? Want to join me this Lent in choosing to ADD something for 40 days, giving up COMFORT? I’m choosing two things – adding intentional risk taking in conflict resolution, telling the Truth of confiding where I’m at in a moment (respectfully, of course) and am already seeing benefit in doing so. I’m giving up communicating when angry or emotional to take a break so that I don’t say things I regret later. I’m also giving up comfort by being more intentional about diet and exercise. I won’t bore you with the details. 🙂
So chime in, Titus women! What are YOU doing for the Lenten season this year?Â
And if you are parenting little people, you should totally follow Leah and Debbie if you have tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings. Like us on Facebook so you can know when Daughters of Sarah becomes available in video format this year, or schedule one of our weekend retreats. I’m also active on Twitter as @NinaRoesner.  Come join the discussions!
Love to you,
Here are my thoughts on modesty:
When the hemline is halfway between the knees and the top of the legs, or shorter, it’s immodest.
If more than a little cleavage shows, it’s immodest.
If undergarments are not covered up, it’s immodest. (Sometimes they show, but that should be the exception, not the norm.)
I would much rather see feminine styling and detail than your private parts.
All these rules would apply to my daughter or wife. I will not show off my wife for other men.
As far as enforcement, I would ask my wife to dress modestly, if she didn’t. But I would require my daughter to dress modestly.
I agree with being modest in public. I would never want my wife to put herself on display for other men. At home however, if a wife wants to wear outfits to entice her husband, I think that’s fine. As long as it’s for her husband.
I agree with all the posters that modesty begins in our hearts with a love for God, a desire to honor Him above all else and a self confidence to NOT put ourselves on display for the world to see when our persons need only be viewed and appreciated by our spouses (men can be immodest too). I was raised in a Chrisitan home being sent to private schools with a dress code, supervised by a very Godly modest ( in all aspects) Mother. That being said I was taught self respect is what motivates my apparel, my Dad always said “you will receive the kind of attention you dress for”. Shorty short skirts or shorts, low cut blouses or spaghetti strap tops and bikini bathing suits were not allowed as well as large amounts of makeup. I rebelled against all of these perceived contraints and for 10yrs (18-28) got all the “attention” my Dad warned me about that I wanted but didn’t understand what I wanted kinda thing. I found that I was disrespected profoundly in that attention and wanted to be noticed for who I was but didn’t give anyone the chance to see the real me with the hiney and cleavage hanging out all over the place. 20yrs later, I am not raising girls to pass this knowledge on to but a house full of boys!!! The Lord has given me great understanding of what motivates the heart of a man young or old and alowing me to see how the girls in the world around them are perceived. My husband finds a myriad of ways to express his desires and wants to me and appreciates the Lord turning my rebellious/immodest streak into self respect and need only to “share” my person with him alone. I do not think that “Jesus Girls” as Lysa Terkeurst calls us, should ever be guilty of displaying themselves for personal attention. If what we wear doesn’t make someone want more of Jesus then we should pray about what will and be willing to change in that area or it will set itself up as rebellion, and inner beauty far out ways an outer adornment and if it causes someone else to question our committment to God then it would be wrong. In my life, what was once rebellion has become personal conviction so for me to do less would be sin. My husband appreciates a more conservative outer apperance so that HE is the only one to see the “real” me but can know that he is being approved of by God and respected by his peers in that I do not shame him by dressing immodestly, i.e., cleavage, thighs showing, bare shoulders, low backed tops, red lipstick all says “available” so I avoid those things and bring honor to God, my husband and my self. I am working on submitting my attitude and mouth to the Lord…much tougher than the dress code ever was!! Be Blessed!!!
Modesty for me, means that I don’t put myself into someone elses mental space against their will or consent. It means that I am mindful that being forward in my dress is no different than being forward in my actions or words. It means that I recognize that displaying myself inappropriately disrespects others marriages and is a foothold for temptation to a man not my husband and a source of insecurity for another wife and to choose not to be that person who puts their need for validation of sexuality before the need to support and respect the marriages and self esteem of my peers as I would hope they would support and respect me and my relationship. When it comes down to it, most people do not desire or need to know their friends that intimately. Even on facebook I have friends who are married who will not let others look away from the steamier aspects of their relationships and I just cringe. Who really wants to know that their high school pal is into comic-con-bondage-swinging? Yuk. I don’t.
Are there times where I dress more enticingly? Absolutely. There is a time and place for everything. Date nights are a whole different set of rules. When we’re on a date night, I’m dressed for my spouse. I’m with my spouse, his preferences are definitely a consideration in my dress, BUT in all things, keep it classy. A questionable skirt can be layered or have tiers/linings added, a risque blouse can be made sexy chic with a camisole under it or a tailored jacket over it. Heck, same thing goes the other way. I wear inappropriate shoes to the grocery store regularly with jeans and a cardigan set because it makes it fun and I have the cart to hold myself up with, but the context is set by the venue and my behavior.
In dance, we talk about body language a lot, we communicate a message with the body. The difference that hair up or hair down makes is SIGNIFICANT. Hair down, hooded eyes and a tipped head can make any presentation appear sexual rather than sensual. Hair off the face, open eyes and a clear countenance can ground out some less conservative choices in dress. Long story short, if you’re going to wear something less than modest in context, your BEHAVIOR and body language have to be without question. They have to be the body language and behaviors of a respectful married woman.
To the gal who’s hubby would like to display her; we have a few moments that fall into this category, BUT my mode of keeping it tasteful is to remember, anyone can turn a mans head with a hemline. It takes some creativity and talent to show nothing and get the same effect. I think we tend to fall into the all or nothing mentality with modesty, that to dress modestly is to dress in formless garments that cover from wrist to ankle. It ain’t so. Modesty means that I do not wear my sex life on my sleeve. Think Audrey Hepburns little black dress a la Breakfast At Tiffanys or Vicky Dougans backless head turners from the 50’s. Sexy, classy, modest and drop dead gorgeous. There is a happy medium. An air of unavailability, a lock that has only one key.