My Husband Was Addicted to Pornography…

I receive a lot of email, and I read all, even though I can’t respond to all of it, but I love when people send me things they feel led to write. Some end up in blog posts I write, others are saved for future books, some are not for sharing, but for holding close, and some just leave me speechless.

Like this one.

A little while back, a man shared about his addiction to pornography in the comment section on my blog – his words were so powerful, I had to just turn the whole thing into a post.

And then his wife wrote me.

It is with great humility that I share her words with you today.

I feel like this is a very special gift, something that we’re often not given the privilege of seeing. I know you’ll appreciate it.

God is about His business, and I’m just thankful to be part of it in a small way.

These words cost her much, but she holds both the cost and the gifts loosely (if at all), as she sees her life as fully His. For those of you who have been sexually abused, this might trigger a few things, so be discerning if you choose to read it, but know this couple is walking in the midst of the Hand of Hope, held up by the Healer Himself. At the very least, you may be inspired at what is possible.

…

From Scot’s wife:

“Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath.  And behold, there was a woman who had had a disabling spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not fully straighten herself.  When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said to her, “Woman, you are freed from your disability.”  And he laid his hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and she glorified God.” (Luke 13:10-13)

Before my husband confessed his pornography addiction, and his need for Christ, I went through some painful revelations of my own. First, I had left my first love. Christ is the one and only fulfiller and satisfier of my soul. Yet I had grown tired, discontent, and distracted.

It was easy, convenient, and in my mind, justifiable to blame my husband for all of our problems. Clearly, I was the victim.

Miserable and hopeless, I sought Christ, again. And I was humbled, again. Clearly, I was a sinner, and clearly there it was, at the Cross – grace. During that difficult season, I learned to cling to Jesus and run to Him, my strong and mighty tower. He revealed painful things, beautiful things, precious truth and glorious, boundless love. I learned to trust Him. I confessed my sin, my unbelief. He gave me faith and taught me to believe. He gave me joy in the midst of unbearable pain and rejection. And He began to uncover a horrible truth that He knew I had to face, that I had to conquer, that I had to open up so that He could heal what only HE could heal.

It started with a dream, He uncovered the burden of shame I was desperate to scrub away. I found Him waiting for me, and even though I had been running away, suddenly I found myself facing Him. Then I wasn’t dirty anymore, in the cleansing flood of His love, I fell into His arms. I had never before felt so complete, nor known such passionate and pure love as this. I awoke with every image and emotion still vivid and real. I broke, literally just fell broken to the floor sobbing, asking Him… why? As images of my father went through my mind, and the emotions came bubbling forth, the words to the following poem began to flow just as fiercely.

daddy

all those tears I cried

all those years I died

a little more inside

daddy

how can it be

that you hurt me

daddy

all those years I tried

to be a little girl, to give you pride

to fix the horrors I had to hide

daddy

how can it be

that you were so blind

and hurt me

daddy

all hope is gone

childhood never mine, never knew, didn’t belong

grown up before I was born

curled up and alone

daddy

how can it be

you blame, accuse, and tell me I’m wrong

and hurt me

daddy

I see the other girls

treasured, protected like precious pearls

their daddies hold them tenderly

my heart aches with need desperately

I’ll never know such love as this

only your grotesque selfishness

daddy

how can it be

you destroyed so carelessly

and hurt me

Daddy

From years of crying fearfully

I hear You calling for me

You wipe away all those tears

You calm and soothe all the fears

I was dead, but You died for me

Now life stirs up and sets me free

Daddy

How can it be

This Amazing Love

That You my God should die for me

Daddy

Your love Your little girl still strives to earn

So much I still have to learn

The depraved things I hid so long

The shame and dirtiness has clung

Jesus spread out His arms and won

Washed clean, pure, the rags flung

Sin’s deathly grip undone

Daddy

How my heart sings praise from my tongue

How can it be

This Amazing Love

That You my God did die for me

Daddy

You always knew

All the pain I suffered through

You didn’t leave me, forsake me not

Faithfully You held me and patiently You sought

I can dance for You and childlike be

Rejoicing for in the womb You saved me

Let nothing steal away this joyful glee

Let me be Your little girl for eternity

Daddy

How I soar with the wings You give me

How can it be

Your Amazing Love

That You my God died for me

Daddy

You changed the way I say that name

The name that made me shake with fear and shame

Now it’s Your Name and You are the One

I come to, my arms outstretched, my strength none

I know You will smile when I giggle and run

I know You will hold me when I come undone

You showed me that day on a hill

I am Your treasure, precious pearl and always will

Be Your little girl

Daddy

How I love Your Name above all Names

And yes it is true

Your Amazing Love made it so

You died on a cross for me and now I know

A Daddy’s love

It has taken me a long time to acknowledge I was sexually abused.

Years actually. And I’m still accepting it and dealing with the pieces of broken memories as they surface. But the healing began that day.

Jehovah Rapha – the Lord Heals. He takes the bitter waters of my suffering and makes them sweet. Knowing my brokenness, He was preparing me, having me draw deeply from the well of forgiveness and grace, so that I could receive my husband in the time of his brokenness. I am so grateful for God’s tender mercies to us both!

I am sharing this because it needs to be shared. My husband shared his struggle and the victory he has through Christ, because that needs to be shared. No longer can this stay in the dark. It is my earnest prayer that the Lord use my pain and my story, to reveal His goodness, His love, His glory, and His desire for all his beloved girls and boys to be healed. Step into His light. It is the only place you can be free.

To the woman who is reading this that has been sexually violated, He is calling out to you and is ready to lay His hands upon you and declare you free.

I know it is scary.

But there is nothing in this world… nothing… that can wash away the shame, extinguish the fear, vindicate you from the guilt and free you from the cacophony of painful emotions other than Jesus.

Only Jesus can.

Run to him, fall into His arms, and cry and shout and pour your broken soul out to Him. He will catch you. He will hold you. He will heal you. He does not want one more day to go by where you are still bound and tortured by the pain of your past. Be brave and go to Him.

To the woman reading this that is married to a man caught in the trap of pornography. He is calling you too. What can take away the painful stab of rejection and the lonely and dejected state of feeling unloved and neglected?

Only Jesus can.

He accepted the ultimate rejection so that you never have to.

To the man or woman reading this struggling with pornography addiction – He is calling you too. Deep down, I know you are in so much pain. There is only one Person that can finally fill that empty ache, and that hunger for love and acceptance. There is only one Person that can conquer your fears of failure and irrelevance, and fill you with the strength, courage, and ability to be the man or woman He made you to be.

Only Jesus can.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matt. 11:28)

“The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.” (Rev. 22:17)

“Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.” (John 6:35)

…

Humbly submitted.

Thankful we are on the journey together.

Love to you,