Have We Walked away from Femininity?
I once had the privilege of talking frankly with a married man and his wife about his addiction to pornography.
One of the things he said that stuck with me for years when talking about why it was so hard for him to break free was the statement, “The women are so demure, so attractive, so… captivating.”
I wondered about that. A lot.
And recently, God brought it back to my memory, which as a woman pushing 50, you know is no small thing.
Maybe even miraculous.
I’m going to make an assumption that we all know the devastating effects pornography has on marriage, how it causes a dopamine response in the brain which can be addicting. So yes, make sure your computers, ipods, ipads, notebooks, kindles, etc., all have Besafe and NetNanny on them. Work out Covenant Eyes solutions for your older boys leaving home.
But what I want to talk about today is this notion of being “captivating.”
Yes, by all means, respect your husband – and we’re putting up the 101 ways to do that list from last week very soon.
But I want to make a confession… It has become obvious to me in the last week that many of us are good, maybe even great at being professional, respectful, and non-argumentative (the palatable way of saying, “submissive”)… but we’ve lost our way in terms of what it means to be female. To be feminine. And this can negatively impact our marriages. I’ve also noticed that The Respect Dare includes elements of femininity in it – not on purpose and of my doing, mind you, but again, of God’s, which is why the book has had such a profound effect on marriages. Again, I don’t think I wrote it.
I don’t take issue with the word, “feminine,” but I do realize the word, “feminist,” has some connotations that confuse and sometimes upset others. I’m not referring to the “ist” version of the word, but rather today, I want to hear from you about what makes us uniquely female. Last week, I asked the question about three or four different ways on the Facebook® page, and discovered that we have some rather thin definitions.
I got a little frustrated with the “style my hair” and “wear a skirt” and “wear make-up” responses. Not because I disagree, but I’m looking for something more… I don’t think these exterior things alone make us female or feminine – “attention to ‘pretty'” might, but I’m sure there’s more to it. I’m sure that there are character traits that God imbedded in the majority of average females out there that makes us different than men.
I recently read that men consider “playing with a strand of hair” as attractive female behavior – I’m thinking that counts, but I also think there’s more. As an aside, I’ve never seen a man twirl his hair – while I have raised boys who spend time fixing their hair, I’ve never seen either of them twirl it. At any rate, I think there are more of these behaviors, and some traits that are unique to female behavior.
Or maybe I’m wrong.
But I don’t think so.
We’re going to get back on the path next week to discussing what the Bible says about marriage, divorce, conflict and communication, but will you walk this short leg with me?
I think it matters – and here’s why – in our quest for respecting our husbands, sometimes we forget to be feminine with them. I’m noticing a huge impact in the way my husband and I do conflict and resolve issues better because of focusing on this small element in my persona. I have actively been evaluating whether my behavior during conflict is masculine or feminine, and been shooting for more of the estrogenic approach.
I’m interested in what you think, what you’ve read in the Bible, about what makes a woman uniquely female and feminine? Not the brain stuff, we’ve been over that – but the behaviors and traits that our culture and even cultures in the past, have designated as “female.” What did you read from The Respect Dare that encouraged you to be more feminine? Feel free to suggest the ones with negative connotations, too. Let’s talk about it all. Maybe even what you think the culture teaches us about being feminine…
Humbly submitted.
Can’t wait to hear from you.
Love to you,
~Nina
Reblogged this on LAST FREELANCE.
I while back, I went through a book study using “Fascinating Womanhood” by Helen Andelin It was great sharing thoughts with other women from all over the world on Facebook. It was a private group and we shared honesty. I want to go through it again real soon. I was encouraged to be more lady like, wear dresses, put out flowers, be gentle in spirit, wear the beauty God gave me, etc.. Our men need us to be Fascinating Women! Thanks for this article. I remember as a teen hearing the song “I am woman” by Helen Reddy. That song was maybe a wrong answer to and ageless problem. Being weak, doesn’t mean we are suppose to fight back with our own strength of determination, but with the strength of our feminine inner and outer Beauty designed by God.
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an’ pretend
‘Cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
No one’s ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul
Oh yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am woman
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin’ arms across the land
But I’m still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can face anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am woman
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I remember this song that was a sort of roar of the feminist movement. I also remember a comment I read (I don’t know where 🙁 ) “I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman, I am tired.”
We have bought into some lies of the enemy:
I can do it all,
I can be it all.
I don’t need anyone or anything even God or men.
Men are the enemy. They are tyrants who will stifle our dreams and drain every bit of life from us.
Not true.
We are lovely creations of the gracious God who loved us enough to put on skin, come down, and serve, living and dying for us. Part of being like Jesus is to serve. Serving is a life of true purpose building people instead of tearing them down.
Hugs,
Mary
Humility is the ability to receive grace and, oh, do I need grace.
Captivating Femininity
My wife was following this thread and asked me last week for my definition of femininity. At that time, being the sarcastic clod that I am, I simply said “of or relating to being a woman”. It was both an attempt at superficial humor and also an attempt to obscure the truth that I really didn’t have a good answer (very scary when I take great pride in always having a good answer for everything).
So I’ve spent some time over the past week actually thinking about “what does it really mean for a woman to be feminine?”, and since the post this morning – “captivating.” That Nina started the post with a quote about porn addiction threw me for a bit of a loop…
I was immediately struck by that quote at the beginning, as it seemed at first that Nina was attempting to find a golden nugget of wisdom and truth in the cesspool of porn addiction (I breathed a sigh of relief as I read the rest of the post and interpreted that not to be the case). But I was more struck by it because I too was addicted to pornography for nearly 30 years and for all of that time would have said the same thing – that pornography was attractive and extremely difficult to give up because the “women were so demure, attractive, and …captivating.” This reasoning of course carries the implicit assumption that “real life women” are the opposite – aggressive, ugly, and uninteresting – hence the preference for pornographic women. However I discovered through the process of Jesus dragging me out of that particular swamp that, like all of Satan’s schemes, it was a LIE. What really makes pornography addictive and difficult to break free from is that it very powerfully feeds a man’s inherent selfishness – a desire to meet a physical need for sexual gratification with no strings attached. To get what you want and not have to give anything back. To have total control over all the parameters of the relationship. It has nothing to do with the “attractiveness” of the women in the magazines and videos – it has everything to do with the selfishness of the man consuming it – and that is exactly what a man does with pornography – he CONSUMES it. He eats it and then goes back for more, with an endless smorgasbord of new options to choose from, and an endless stream of excrement in his wake.
Pornographic fantasy women are “captivating” in this way precisely because they are not real. They allowed (even enabled and empowered) me to continue to be selfish and become more selfish still. They didn’t tell me how hard it was to deal with the kids that day while I was safe at the office. They didn’t gripe if I wanted to watch endless hours of TV instead of helping with the laundry. I didn’t have to pay for their food and clothes. I didn’t have to take care of them when they were sick. They didn’t care if I got bored with them and went looking for a new thrill elsewhere. They let me get my physical jollies and then left me alone until I wanted them again. I was able to consume them and move on to the next one, just like a key lime pie (another issue of mine for another day)… But another thing I learned from Jesus on the way out of the swamp was that even what I thought was so fulfilling about my pornographic women was also a lie. Someone else was consuming ME – very cleverly using a false fulfillment to lead me to the place of ultimate unfulfillment, suffering, and death.
I also learned on the way out of the swamp that the first place to go when looking for the Truth was the Bible – and if the answer can be found there, I need not look elsewhere. Much has been written about “Biblical Womanhood”, “Biblical Femininity”, or whatever term you wish to call it – I will boil it down to this, which can be gleaned from the first two chapters of the very first book – “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.’” (Genesis 2:18). There are two parts to God’s reasoning for creating woman – man needs a companion because it is not good to be alone, and man needs a helper (for usually obvious reasons) – so a truly feminine, attractive, and captivating woman is the one who purposes at being a companion and helper. It is also often useful to examine what something IS in terms of what it is NOT – in this case the opposite of companion and helper can best be described as “antagonist” and/or “competitor”. Other passages give some examples of ways that women can be helpful companions, and examples of ways how not to be competitive antagonists, but there is nothing in the text to indicate that these lists are exhaustive or exclusive. There can be much latitude here, and each relationship is likely to be unique.
This ended up way longer than originally intended, so I’ll wrap it up with this observation from my own marriage…
In the (now much rarer) occasions where I see my wife as an antagonist or competitor, my natural response is to be more selfish – to “fight” for my own way, to defend my own sinful behavior, or to just withdraw and pursue something else as a distraction.
In the (now much more frequent) occasions where I see my wife as a companion and helper, my supernatural response (a la Holy Spirit) is to be less selfish – to put her needs above mine, to give of myself in ways I didn’t before, can I even dare to say – be more Christlike?
Porn women aren’t (and can never be) captivating – they’re “captive making”.
My wife encourages and motivates me to be more Christlike… now THAT is captivating femininity!
Scott, thank you so much for commenting on this post. I have been married to a man with a porn addiction our whole 18 years of marriage. At times I have been able to stay numb to it and other times it tares me apart. I have learned that it is a battle that only God can handle cause my husband holds onto that addiction like it is more valuable to him than the air he breathes. You have helped me to feel better about classifying who those women are in the pictures and what they stand for. I am smart and I know they are not real, but I have at times allowed them to hurt me. It is just natural to compare yourself to what seems like the competition even if it is just an image on the magazine or computer screen. My husband has nailed it about why he does it is because he is selfish. He will tell me that right out and spout ultimatums, that if I don’t like it I can leave. I have twice, but with four kids with the man and I feel my Christian values I am always coming back hoping for his heart to change. Please pray for Alan, my husband that he will be pricked by the Holy Spirit and feel convicted about his addiction. We all need him to be the Godly man I thought I was marrying. At times I really feel betrayed. I let so many others go cause I thought this was the man God had for me to marry. I really try to reason with God about it if this is my test of faith is why Alan lost his faith and brought this baggage into the marriage. I really have to lean on God a lot to keep going sometimes cause otherwise I can not find purpose in being married to this him.
Hi Darla,
I will pray for your husband. It took much pain and many years of my wife (and others) praying for me before Jesus decided that I had run from Him long enough and brought me to conviction, repentance, and ultimately – salvation. My wife too thought she was marrying a Godly man but I was anything but. I hid my true self from everyone, including myself in many ways. Only God can break through that kind of darkness. I will pray that He does so for your husband. Until then I would simply encourage you to keep praying for him and find other believers that you can share your pain with and who will join in praying for you and him both.
If your husband is willing – I would recommend the online course “The Way of Purity” at http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com. It’s solidly scriptural, free, and he would get matched up with an online mentor to help and guide him “out of the swamp” as I like to call it. There’s also a course called the “United Front” for the spouse of the addict as well. This was very helpful to my wife and I.
God bless,
Scott
Scott, Thank you so much!! I will never give up praying for him. I will definitely check out the resources that you mentioned. Take care!
Scott, this comment is amazing. Do YOU have a blog? I’d gladly read it.
I studied godly femininity a good bit as I was learning about respect. I had always been a tomboy. Just wore jeans and a t-shirt growing up. Didn’t ever feel “feminine.” My figure was not at all curvaceous, and I felt completely non-womanly as a teenager and into my 20s and 30s – until I began to study godly femininity. I began to wear skirts every day. A book I read suggested that the more feminine a wife is, the more masculine her husband will feel, and the more chemistry there would be. I read it to my husband and laughed about how ridiculous it was. He asked, “Well, do you feel different in skirts and dresses?” I said emphatically, “NO!” But then I decided to wear only skirts for a week and just see what I noticed.
Partly, I am sure, because I was studying godly femininity at this same time, I noticed a big difference! I was in shock! I felt softer, more graceful, more beautiful, more gentle. I also was able to use the skirts as a tangible reminder to me that “I am a girl! And I actually LIKE being a girl! I don’t ‘wear the pants in the family’ anymore.”
Some things that I believe are uniquely feminine and captivating:
– openness – our wide eyed wonder at the world. Our openness to our men’s ideas, their leadership, their suggestions, their emotions, their sexual desires for us…
– that look of adoration in our eyes – the look that tells our man, “I think you hung the moon!”
– making life FUN for him! Flirting, being playful, letting him enjoy himself and even more importantly – us enjoying him!
– Making home a sanctuary and haven of peace. Bob Grant talks about that women “create beauty and bring comfort.”
– savoring his attention, enjoying him sexually, delighting in his desire for us.
Wow. I think I’m not very feminine. Never have been. I’m strong and opinionated. I remember when I was in middle school I would try to be quiet when the school year started because the boys always liked the quiet girls. ID last 10 minutes. Sometimes I feel like being feminine means being less of who you are to lift up a man. I’m brave. I’m confident. Often more so than my husband. It’s so hard to pretend I’m not. I like to achieve more than I like to nuture. I do my best with my four kids, but I’d rather get something done than cuddle with them. It’s so discouraging. I just don’t think feminine is “me”. In college I could date any man I wanted, but I’m starting to think that it was only because I was good looking.
Lulu –
I can so relate! I grew up being a “tomboy” and it seemed like everything “feminine” in me wasn’t encouraged – until it was overly encouraged as “power” over men… I know, weird, but I have learned that to be fully female is also to be brave, confident (in God, and the gifts He’s given me, not my own selfish nature or skills) and I’ve also seen that I’ve squashed some of the confidence in my husband by not encouraging his input and opinions. We’ve figured out (finally) the balance of when to seek input from each other, and I’ve seen that positively impact my husband. For what it’s worth, I think these things look a little different in different marriages. 🙂
I am wondering if there is a continuum of sorts, and if your husband is more of a nurturer? Dr. Kevin Leman says the research says around 15% of marriages are flip-flopped like this with the male being more nurturing, and the female being more systems-based. Does that fit with your situation? I’m interested in your thoughts and am so glad you are here – would not want to exclude you. 🙂
Love to you,
~Nina
It’s hard to say if my husband is more nurturing. He is very nurturing, but he also has a life outside of caretaking. If he’s alone with the kids for a couple of hours he becomes grumpy. I’m more nurturing if I can get a break, but its not unusual for me to go 6-8 weeks without one. Maybe I’m nurturing but depleted? I’m not sure. I’ve been a mother for 10 years, and had bad phases and good ones. I’ve never had a child reach 3 1/2 without having another one (I have 4). Maybe I’m just burnt out. It’s all work and no play over here.
Prayers for you both, Lulu. I understand the lack of the break thing, too. We have never had the blessing of living near family, so that makes it even tougher. Do you know about MOPS groups? Have you tried that? I found it extremely helpful! 🙂 At the very least, please feel encouraged to swap care or something so you can get a break doing something you like. We’re better mommies and wives when we take care of The Temple of the Holy Spirit, ourselves. 🙂
Love to you,
~Nina
Yes. I need to do that! I need friends!
Thanks. 🙂
Wish you lived in Cincinnati, Lulu. There’s plenty here that would wrap their arms around you today. 🙂 But having said that, I know you can bloom where you are planted, just like He did with me… 🙂
Love to you,
~Nina
Isn’t it terrible! We’re not allowed to “shame” women who flaunt their sexuality inappropriately, yet when asked about the stuff you do or are that is all girl, there is a knee jerk shiver of shame, as if there is guilt by association with all the media hyped, boob jobbed, under dressed female caricatures. It’s like your husband asking you about that cookie you got up after everybody went to bed and finished. Pop cultures depictions of the feminine have turned it into something I cringe at, and somewhere in the middle of this mess, men are teaching women to walk in heels.
I think at the heart of it all, the vulnerability of desiring to be attractive and surrounding yourself with what you find attractive and pleasurable, even when it’s dumb, out of place or just not even remotely what someone else would like has a lot to do with femininity. It has so much to do with self love. Confidence – porn stars certainly don’t lack confidence, although I will toss in that they are not feminine, but they are a reduced caricature of a mans ideals on femininity being conveniently folded away until it’s used for his pleasure. It is femininity lite, not about *being* but *appearing* feminine. They are not taking any risks or owning anything about themselves that someone else has not asked for.
We have to reclaim our inner dumb girl on this one. Go back through all the mean boys who said you can’t play because they’re doing boy things, all the times mom was placated by the boys letting you be Daisy Duke or Jody Banks, but you really felt like it was pretty stupid that you got less play in the game than the swingset gas station. Okay, I’ll bring out bandaids and you pretend to fall down and – hey…. Hey… come back here… HEY!!! YOU THERE! IIII”M TEEEELLLLING!
Aw, but mom, we were letting her play! (at this point the porn star and slut shamee’s flash their cleavage hoping to get the attention they feel will validate them…)
Wanting to express your feminine nature and to be upheld and esteemed for it was a sure fire way to get left out. So instead of submitting, it was ass kicking time. If my car can’t be faster than yours, I’ll jump on you from the top of the swingset when you go by and bite your leg.
Fast forward thirty years. We really haven’t changed all that much. I’m actually having to recompose myself right now at the frustration of being unable to go beat the neighbor kid up again for saying that we have to play the game how the show goes, and his earnest determination that ‘you can’t do that, it’s not how the show goes’
Alright, so I was playing their game wrong, but there was nothing else to do and I was bored and lonely. So I whooped em and went home. Then when they sat on my swingset I beat them up again.
I guess the hinge is that we learned somehow that by being feminine, we weren’t going to get our needs met. The need to be part of the game, but to have our part of the game be on our terms is feminine. The pain we feel when we can’t both play someone elses game and play by our rules is feminine. It’s a pain caused by an unfilled space, it’s receptive pain. Phantom limb pain.
The pain that we cannot reach out with that phantom limb without censoring it seems to be the starting point of the feminine. I want to be able to reach out without fear of having the feminine sentiment that inspired the desire smashed into the mud by mean boys. I am going to continue to reach out, at first to people who seem likely to validate that desire, and later towards people who can help shape that desire into fruition. To be able to leave a trail of flowers in my wake, without feeling I have derailed someone elses high speed train. To experience the protected harbor of a relationship with a man who values your desire to reach and who is capable of protecting those pearls from the swine of the world.
We are also manipulated daily by the media culture, who silently wraps around that starving bit of ourselves and deliberately directs it towards things that make us feel powerless. Sick and starving children all over the world, war, loss, pain, the pain of people we will never meet and cannot heal just for wishing we could, and then in our day to day lives, the apathy keeps us from reaching in our own world. Our difference is not big enough because we can’t save them all. This is where our wonderful men come in, to remind us that we are important. Our femininity is important and it is necessary that we allow ourselves to reach and be vulnerable. First at home, and then as we get stronger, out in the world.
As for behaviors? Fake it till you make it. Find the little lost marbles in the garden, put them back in the jar and put them on the windowsill to think upon. They might need some flowers.
Still thinking about porn stars and femininity lite, perhaps that is a big part of the appeal of the women of porn, they are ‘feminine’ yet their femininity does not command respect. Whatever you do is okay with me, anything you do gets the same response – fake orgasms are the prettiest kind and when the guy is done, she is done as well. Her only need is his pleasure. What a fantasy! She is only feminine as long as he is interested and then zap, push the little button and she’s gone. He has no obligation to create the safe space for that femininity to come out. She’s an exhibit, not an individual. They have *Tweeeee!* Femininity. Make big eyes, chew a fingernail vapidly and say it with me. “Tweee!”
Sprained a brain cell, din’t ya 😀
Forgive me, but I have no idea what you are saying. You said a lot and it’s probably got some really good points that I think I would like to understand, but I’m really lost. This kind of reminds me of John Steinbeck. I didn’t understand anything he wrote, but everyone says he’s brilliant. Could you give me the Reader’s Digest version? I mean no disrespect. I’m just utterly confused.
Lol… Feminity has been undermined at it’s very roots. From the first time we didn’t get to play with the boys the same way we played with the girls, seeking friendship and admiration. What’s a 6yo girl to do? Tell? Run off in a huff? Sink to their level? With equality and egalitarianism we say we are meeting them on their level and behaving as they behave to better live amongst them, but it puts us into a competition we can’t win and a relationship that wont work unless we are moving farther and farther from the core of our femininity, eventually leaving us unable to relate to ourselves or them. We create a false persona based upon seeking the same acceptance as a man in a mans life. In order to really define and find what femininity means, in a way that’s more meaningful than put on a dress and point your toes when you’re sitting around barefoot, we have to figure out why we threw it away in the first place. In the current generation becoming mothers and wives and doubly so for our daughters, there seems to be a knee jerk accusation of shallowness and unimportance that has been cast over the feelings and actions that come of femininity. Statements like “I don’t really hang out with other women, I’m not interested in the things they talk about” are so common amongst women, even when these same women would love to have some female friends. They just don’t know how to bond with those friends in a way that wouldn’t alienate them from the boys. Because we’ve embraced the machismo of the male half of humanity, we end up comparing our softer parts to it, and feeling like they fall short as human traits. We’re no longer “allowed” to be feminine, because to be feminine is often reflexively seen as been less.
Pardon the rambling, I find, when I ask, where did me who played with dolls and wanted to be a princess on a special white pony go, I would have to say practicality ate her. Being feminine became a luxury I could not afford and a waste of time – it was seen as ornamental, weak, useless – –
But since we are communicators and men are fixers, when we go back to those basic roles and work towards a strong relationship that is about the family, not the individual as just another horse in the harness, femininity is a necessary and currently missing puzzle piece. We just never learned how to mature it into a functional tool in the world.
I love this and fully agree. I used to have all male friends, afraid of girlfriends, not sure how to interact with them…and God has blessed me so much, having healed that broken part of me. (I am not saying, here, however, that non-“girly-girls” are somehow “less than, either – we are living within the confines of this body, which has very specific capacities for linear thought and empathetic thought as designed in our brains – by God Himself – and so some men seem naturally more nurturing and some women more linear – that’s the 15% Dr. Leman references – not wrong, just different, and very real).
While I could carry my own in corporate America, that doesn’t deeply connect with my alpha male – but femininity does. 🙂 I will not pardon what doesn’t need pardon, Miss Mandi, as your “rambling” consists of deep thoughts worth a slow steady chew. 🙂 But I also wonder about those of us who are not wistful about being a princess… I am guessing femininity is a spectrum, just like masculine behavior could be potentially described that way in men…
Love to you,
~Nina
I don’t see the connection between the boys excluding you from playing with them the way you wanted and the undermining of femininity. I think femininity was undermined more by our tendency as flawed humans to covet what we don’t have. The grass is greener syndrome. We believed the lie that said “if you want to be equal you need to be more like a man”. Then we embraced it and made it our own and taught other generations that our God given role is not valuable and unsatisfying. The crazy part of that is that we were blaming men for oppressing us, but were oppressing ourselves by thinking we couldn’t be happy in the role God designed us for.
Mandy, now it’s my turn for LOL. My husband explained what you meant and it seems we are pretty much on the same page. Sometimes, I’m just a little bit slow to catch on. Thanks for the the reply
Good point.
Manipulation involves causing a person to doing what they would not otherwise do. Manipulation requires cooperation. I try not to be manipulated or to manipulate others. If a person is manipulated they will eventually grow to resent the manipulator and the manipulation. It is not manipulation to ask nicely and to use wisdom in your contacts. It is not manipulation to make an appeal by presenting the positives and any perceived negatives and allowing a person to freely decide. Manipulation is inherently dishonest and not appropriate for a godly woman. There is dignity and integrity in genuine femininity. As for pretending, consideration and courtesy may run counter to our natural selfcentered impulses but pursuing our self interests especially to the detriment of those we profess to love is neither loving nor Christlike. We have the most important job in the world, we build people not by simply having babies but by instilling faith, values, and character in our children as well as other people in our sphere. Is your husband a better man because of having you in his life? Are you building up or tearing down each member of your family?
(You cannot Nurture if you are only concerned with your own safety.)
“The wise woman in the storm prays not for safety from danger but for deliverance from fear.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Great thoughts to grow from…. It seems to simply come down to Respect with a Meek and Quiet Spirit. (yeilding to God’s ways and all that intails) Accepting who God made me to be for Him and to Him. This is very personal, humble and according to the authority structure he has placed me in. (To Serve rather than be Served) I am also Woman of God and not a Man of God for His purpose and plan.
Well I guess ill begin by saying, I’m not a wife. I’m a 17 year old girl who stills follows the respect dare pretty closely simply because one day… I will be. It’s such and encouragement to see the wisdom and truth shared not only through the blog posts but the comments as well.
I usually sit quietly a just read and take it all in but when I read this one i thought I’d put my two cents in.
Femininity has been on my mind and heart so heavily these past couple months. Because up until recently I never noticed how important it is. I’ve sought truth in my bible and also read some really incredible books by Christian authors. So what i say is not anything ive come up with myself but have learned and hidden in my heart.
When I think of feminity I don’t think of weakness. I think it’s a compassion and gentleness God placed within us. It’s our nature. And when God placed that within us, he revealed something about Himself in the process. We were made in Gods image and all though we can never compare to God. I’ve learned that if we evaluate our own hearts we will learn something new about Gods. We will learn about the side of Him that Is graceful, beautiful, delightful, kind, nurturing, and as nina said “captivating”. That’s why we shouldn’t be ashamed of our feminity or think it makes us less than. Because its beautiful, and without it we would miss understanding a very significant side of our creator who desires to knows us more.
Maybe I’m over my head and I know I have so much more to learn. But I’ve been encouraged and strengthened because of this post today and the comments shared. Thank you all very much.
Jordan! So glad you are here, your humble heart is just lovely. And I concur, the wisdom in the comments is beautiful – and insightful. One of my favorite aspects about ministry is creating environment where others can make an impact. :). Glad you are here!
Love to you,
Nina
I am in awe of your comment! First because you are so young and already so wise! Stay in the Word and the Lord will always guide you! The man that God has planned for you is one lucky fella!
Wow, Jordan! You have such a head start on so many of us . I didn’t begin to recognize Jesus as my Lord as well as my fire insurance until just after my 30th birthday and I am still learning 34 years later. You are seeking truth from God’s Word and that truth transcends anything you can learn anywhere else. You have a lovely spirit and are wise beyond your years. Keep close to Jesus and never forget what you know now.
Hugs,
Mary
Ditto to what Nina said ..
Thank you for your beautiful and wise contribution Jordan ..
Youth makes no difference when you are wholeheartedly listening to God 😉
One of the things I need to work harder to remember has to do with something my husband said to me once. We were discussing – due to a question I asked – the art of conversation. Specifically, how my approach can affect whether or not his defenses are up before we even start talking. I will never forget what he said to me – “There are moments when you come ask to talk to me and there is a softness in your face. Your look is seasoned with grace. And in that moment I am eager to hear what you have to say.” I asked him to explain further and he began to describe the “look” he was talking about. He mentioned a gentleness in the eyes, a calm, loving tone in the voice, etc. I finally said to him, “Are you trying to tell me that a ‘feminine’ approach works best?” He laughed a bit and said, “Maybe.”
What it boiled down to was this – if I came at him ready to assert my right to be heard, he felt like I was competing with him. He worked for 14 years in an international shipping company (think brown!) and that’s the way his bosses and co-workers would approach him when trying to get him to do something for them. I certainly don’t want to remind him of the years he spent in a job that made him miserable!! On the other hand, if I come to him in a more feminine manner, he actually wants to do whatever he can to help. The challenge is I have to make sure that I let him be him!! I can’t expect him to react exactly like I do because he isn’t me. Gender aside, we don’t think alike!
Based on this discussion (and others in the same vein) I’m beginning to understand that “femininity” in my home means gentleness, a willingness to consider that his suggestion, while different, is just as good (or maybe better) than mine. Bottom – he doesn’t want me to approach him like he is my competition.
MOJ, this if beautiful. Feminine is an attitude, not a look or a gesture. I’m so happy your husband was able to convey that to you in a way you could hear. Such a good thing for us to remember.
Yes!!! This is getting at the heart of what I am looking for!
I think Marysheartisathome came the closest to what I think is a good definition. We don’t need to be weak or needy to be feminine. A man that is secure in who he is in Christ won’t need the false reassurance that he is “strong” by comparing himself to his “weaker” wife. I think of femininity in terms of a softness and tenderness that is not the same as weak. I think when we are comfortable in ourselves in Christ and our God given role as women, we probably appear feminine without trying. Some women have used “feminine” gestures like hair twirling, downcast eyes and head tilts to manipulate men, but they are anything but feminine in their spirit so I’m not sure that’s a great way to gauge femininity.
When I think of feminine I look back in time. Bear with me if this takes a few steps. 🙂
I look back on the women I thought of as ladies. The women who modelled something I felt drawn to. And then I look at the men they were around. I think it is about being ladies and gentlemen to one another. Men have lost their chivalry in the crush of feminism as well.
To me being feminine is being a lady. Which means you ACT like a lady, you TALK like a lady and you EXPECT to be treated as such. To a country girl raised in the west where men say “Ma’am” and still either take off their hats or tip them it is less complex than for my sisters who don’t have that culture around them.
Ladies can be tough. A feminine woman can be strong. My great grandmother farmed, broked horses and drove a team. Raised children. While wearing a dress, with her hair pinned up and in gloves. Side saddle. She didn’t cuss. She didn’t act ‘tough’ because she didn’t have to. She was a lady first and was treated as such. Understand she was no doormat, and while she was respectful and submitted to her husband he knew she was no doormat either.
So to be a lady (I prefer that to being feminine which is more a style of dress where I come from) you need to have the spirit of a lady. The Bible has a lot of them. Which is your favorite Biblical woman? Why? What about her embodies being a lady?
Mine are Deborah and Jael. Also my grandmother and the stories of my great grandmother. And how cowboys and farm folk treat their ladies.
We walk away from being a lady when we stop teaching our sons, and encouraging our husbands and brothers and fathers to be gentlemen. Let them open the door, carry the stuff. Let them tip their hats. It is okay be called “Ma’am”. It is good to lower your eyes and be gracious.
I used to be a fire fighter. That is a dirty stinky job which I loved. I also didn’t get to ‘dress up’ much because I was either in turnout gear or coveralls. I had one of my sweetest compliments the day I was dressed up for an event in town. One of the older gentlemen in town came by, he tipped his hat and said, “I knew you were a lady even in your gear, but it sure is nice to see you all dressed up!”
So I am teaching our son to be a gentleman. And to accept that some girls and women won’t know what that means, or how to respond. That it is okay, and still the right thing to do. Just like we women have to fight sometimes to be ladies in a world that wants us to be anything but. It is okay to be a lady. It might mean jeans and boots – it is how you carry yourself. It might be an evening gown and pearls. It is how you treat yourself and how you act that makes you a lady or feminine.
Sorry this was so long, bless you for getting this far!
I think the most feminine thing we can do is NEED our husbands. I think society has pushed women to believe they are “equal” to men. That’s a lie. Even though we can be just as successful as them in the workplace, we need to leave out prestige at the door. I think a lot of men have lost the true meaning of being a man because feminism has told them we don’t need them and can do everything on our own. No wonder marriages are falling apart – the feministic movement has almost pushed men out of our society by repeatedly telling them we don’t need them and that we are perfectly capable without their help. God didn’t create men to be strong by accident…they thrive on being a stronghold in our homes and relationships. I think when women realize how much our men need us to need them, relationships will never be the same.
I think I learned best about the feminine heart and what it menas to “be” feminine in Captiviating by John and Staci Eldridge. It was a beautiful picture of the completion of a man’s heart – and the two together forming a whole image of God. This is why marriage was ordained by God – to show the whole of His being. I’m sorry I can’t remember all of the points off the top of my head, but they were knowing you are beautiful and who you learn that from, the gentleness of the heart and emotions, and the desire to be someone’s princess and “be saved” (i.e. husband taking out trash or washing the car or carrying heavy boxes and of course much more complex than that as well).
It showed that as women, we all have these traits, but they show differently in each one of us. And our heart’s complement – our husband’s – will differ also in their end (Wild at Heart, same author) and the two together will form an image for the Lord.
I hope this makes sense…drippy brain syndrome is kicking in…
The Bible sets the stage for our roles in Genesis. The man is the provider and the woman is the nurturer. In “The Respect Dare” we are given tasks to increase that nurturing behavior by searching out the needs or desires of our husbands. It is the natural way God made us to behave toward each other and when we behave the way we should our relationships run more smoothly. I know if I try to take on the leadership role in our home that my husband is offended. It is his place and I am to respect that. If there is a conflict to be addressed it is in how I approach it that will reflect the outcome. I should take it to him to see how it should be handled.
He prefers that I be more feminine by how I dress, how I behave, the example I set for our children, daughters and son alike. If you take your cues from society you will not be on the right track. The world is very confused right now. The gender roles are so screwed up! The truth comes from the Word of God and by listening to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. If you want to know how to behave as a Christian woman, wife and mother do not follow the standards of this world cause they will not be right. Proverbs 31 speaks of a virtuous woman. This “virtuous or an excellent woman” is a woman of high morals who is upright in all her ways.
This is just saying that her worth cannot be measured in earthly things, such as rare stones (rubies). She is on his side. She is beside him helping in everything. She loves to please him. She respects him and builds him up when he is down. She does not tear him down, but instills confidence in him.
Proverbs 31:22 “She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing [is] silk and purple.”
She looks nice for her family. She takes care of herself and dresses nice so her husband will be proud to tell people that she is his wife.
The efforts she makes to honor others are rewarded to her. These silk and purple garments are expensive evidences of the blessings returned to her by God’s grace. A man’s good reputation begins with his home and thus the virtue of his wife.
Proverbs 31:30 “Favour [is] deceitful, and beauty [is] vain: [but] a woman [that] feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.”
Here, it says that doing favors’ can be good. To have a wife who is attractive to look at is nice, but the very best you can do is to have a wife who fears God and keeps His commandments; and she will have all of these other things as an extra.
I believe we are feminine by our emotions. We express our love, feelings, thoughts, etc. in a different manner than men. Actually, I think we express them period as where many men do not express them at all, and honestly I don’t think they know how to. God wired us differently for a purpose and I believe that it is where we build and develop together to work through those differences to meet in the middle. I haven’t really put this much thought into it until I started reading The Respect Dare and using the different methods of communication. Please believe, I have a LONG way to go, but I have found, as my husband has as well, that I really look for the best way to respond and react to those differences that God created within us. I believe that is what marriage is all about. Working through those differences but also relishing in them and becoming one in the Lord! Thank you for this message today. It has brought a whole new meaning to being “feminine”!!!
Being feminine is being lovely from the inside out. Loveliness begins in our heart and works itself out in bringing beauty to all parts of life. We need to leave bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness and bad attitudes on the curb for pickup with the rest of the trash. If there is any competition let it to be in showing love, respect, and kindness to others.
When you squeeze a sponge what comes out of it? Whatever is in it. When squeezed by life let’s have wisdom and integrity come out of us. Wise words, kind words, sweet words spoken softly change the tenor of any conversation.
By all means put on blush and mascara but first put on a smile. A woman can be feminine in jeans and aggressive in a dress so wear dresses at least on occasion but put on a uniquely tender spirit. Be strong without being tough.
Love is a response to finding something beautiful. Store up beauty in yourself to be discovered. Be lovely from the inside out.
Hugs humbly submitted,
Mary
Femininity is not a selfcentered attitude. Femininity is not too much makeup and being high maintenance. Femininity is not weakness but gentle strength.
When I think of being feminine……… a lady, soft in nature, modest in attitude, not boisterous, not manly.
From my husband…….. clad in modest clothing clearly for a female. He said his was more visual since he is a man 🙂
First, it is a gentle spirit. We aren’t created to be strong women–we are created to be women of strength. It doesn’t mean powerful in the same respect that men are (physically) powerful. It means that we have power in being who God created us to be. Scripture tells us we may even win our husband over to Christ if we are respectful. That’s powerful. Femininity shows up on the outside with the twirling of hair, or the wearing of a dress/skirt, or in putting on jewelry or makeup…all based on whether we truly have the gentle spirit. But God tells us to adorn ourselves with good works (1 Timothy 2:9-10), modestly (in moderation, without trying to draw attention to ourselves/our bodies), wearing clothing that makes us look like women (and I’ll add that when I wear a dress or skirt–it makes me more likely to ACT like a woman, than when I wear pants). Femininity has been lost in both big ways and small ways.
Melissa, I have to admit as a man that I totally agree with you, “wearing clothing that makes us look like women (and I’ll add that when I wear a dress or skirt–it makes me more likely to ACT like a woman, than when I wear pants).”
When women wear pants almost all the time, it appears to me that women may tend to act more like men and not show as much of their femininity–though kindness and gentleness is really attractive in both women and men—though women are generally more kind and gentle.
Great post Nina! This is giving me pause for thought. To me, being feminine includes needing help. That sounds whimpy, but to me, I’ve been learning that being feminine means backing away from being so ‘capable’, and being just a little… in need. Not the needy ‘I am helpless’ attitude, but more of a ‘Are you willing to just handle this?’ kind of attitude… I am still praying, still trying to put my finger on how to express it. The way it has played out in my life, is that my right arm is injured. I can’t do everything I used to. So I ask for help. A lot. And my marriage is better. I feel more like a ‘girl’. I act more like a ‘girl’. And my husband really likes it and responds positively to it. Of course, attractive underthings (matching!) and being intentional about looking sweet don’t hurt either. LOL