I Am Sorry…
Earlier this week I wrote a blog post about a conflict between a husband and wife. Told the story of the interaction, asked what people thought. The comments ensued, and there were lots of interesting points made.
What I found most interesting was the level of certainty some of us had regarding the situation.
Myself included.
And I was wrong.
It’s interesting how many different perspectives can exist from one story – one in which we admittedly have limited information from only one perspective. Our own backgrounds, experiences, professions, marital status, histories, parenting status and maybe even level of abuse or lack of it in our past or current relationships certainly impacts how we interact with the story.
And that’s all it is, a simple story from someone’s life.
I wonder how we would respond if all the details were present?
I wonder if we would look at it differently if the man, or woman, had an arrest record for domestic violence?
Or if they were separated, because the man had had an affair and was just at the house to pick up his kid for the weekend?
I wonder if any of these details would impact our perspectives?
I really had no idea where this discussion would go when I posted on Monday.
And yes, I’m still working on the response for Wednesday’s blog. Divorce, tough topic.
I had thought of filling in the extra details that might change how we perceive the situation, but I need to end the discussion because it’s too much to ask of the person who generously shared the story with me.
And I’m sorry. I think I made a mistake.
I don’t pretend to know all the answers, and I haven’t kept my license to do anything any longer, so perhaps I shouldn’t even be asking the questions.
But the reality is that we are often too quick to rush to judgment.
Okay, I’m too quick to rush to judgment. Even when I don’t think I’m doing it, sometimes.
To clarify (and I’m doing it as much for myself as anyone) James 1:19-20 reads, Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
I don’t think anyone got angry in their responses on the post, but I do think I could have been better at being quick to hear and definitely slower to speak – mainly because I made assumptions that I wasn’t even aware I was making at the time.
But we (I) make assumptions and suggestions based on our own experiences and histories, instead of simply loving people in the middle of where they currently are, praying for them, and pointing them back to God.
And while it is debatable the extent to which we (I) didn’t do this, I think even though I could articulate that as my goal, I failed in seeking prayers and loving the subjects of Monday’s story well.
At the time, I really didn’t know what I thought about the exchange. The person simply suggested putting it out there. And I thought it was fine to do so. As we started getting comments, however, I started forming a few opinions.
Right, wrong…whatever…irrelevant to this post.
Because, the truth is, we never fully know the truth about someone else’s situation.
We’re not God. Only He knows the intimate details.
If I’ve learned one thing in the last week as a result of this dialogue, it’s been those three things, love, prayer, and Him are often the best answers we should offer up.
In the midst of all this, someone wrote me feeling awful because she’s recently suffered the loss of several close family members…but what was causing her the most pain is the Christian people who kept telling her she needs to stop sinning by being selfish by mourning, because those she lost are believers and in Heaven.
I wonder how often I’ve been too quick to speak, slow to listen, and vented righteous judgment all over someone who just needs to be heard, some compassion and time to heal?
Perhaps too often, even here on my own blog.
In dealing with this particular post and the pain of the one it is written about, I’ve learned much, at what is perhaps too high a cost, and for that I am really sorry. Some of the comments (my own included) deeply wound, and for that I am also sorry.
The simple truth of the matter is that we can never fully know the FULL truth of what’s going on in a relationship, and we have to be careful to not judge or be prescriptive when we respond.
I really do wish I had known now what I didn’t know then, but I’m truly thankful for the learning and the grace and forgiveness that has occurred. I hope you experience the same, and I am really sorry for opening a can of worms here.
So, once again, I want to apologize for the lack of leadership, and for the hurts that the post has caused. I have learned as Titus women, we need to be on mission to clearly encourage others in love, prayer, and always point others back to Him. Yes, we need to restore those who sin gently, but we need to be ever so certain first. At any rate, I hope you, dear sisters, can also forgive me.
Love to you all,
~NIna
Hi Nina!
I just read the article that ‘started’ all of this and I left some feedback to a comment there but I wanted to chime in here as well.
As a marriage and family therapist for years, I really feel like your discussion was not only a great idea, but attracted some great advice and assessments of the situations. I wouldn’t let anyone make you feel too bad about the feedback. If you put something out there for feedback, you’ve gotta expect people are going to dive in and give it. 😉
I think you’ve got a great thing going here and I wish you the best of luck!
Judy
Oh! One more thing! I might send a couple of colleagues to check out your blog and even weight in on a few of these topics because I find the core principles of your ministry fascinating–refreshing and invigorating! The best to you!
Judy
What I didn’t know, Judy, is that the husband is not neurotypical.
So, having said that, and still trying to protect her and his identity, I have learned a few things about blogging other people’s stories. You probably know better than I the difficulties, and since I try to reach the wide swath of “average” people, if I had known this then, I probably would not have used her story.
Glad you are here – thank you for the encouragement!
Love to you,
-Nina
You stated under the Title Page of “the Respect Date” “Join us on the Journey” and I believe your blog is a portrait of an ongoing journey. The many little stories that intersect and overlap, sometimes speak parallels and bring a sense of “I am not alone”, just when someone might need it most. I am, currently, on a journey of recovery from codependency with a group of women I am lovingly calling my “Soul Sisters” . Along the way I have picked up a few more here and there, here on Facebook. The comments have sometimes been just the nudge needed to take that next step to look closer and ask the Lord to reveal yet another layer of transparency so we can grow to become all that He has called us to be. “Beautiful, loved, strong, vulnerable, loving, compassionate, empathetic, torch carrying, God fearing, servants of the King” The sanctification process is brutal at times, but when we can, truly, sing in the fire, (the Refiner’s Fire) it has its rewards and is a beautiful sound. My prayer is, where He is filling me with His holy spirit and flowing through each little crack, His love will flow out of me and onto others along the journey’s path.
Nina – God can bring good of anything and God knows your heart. And it seeks Him and seeks His will. This will be a blessing – the post, the comments and your response here. Don’t be so quick to judge yourself my dear! Let God so some amazing things now – step back and see! I have faith that this honesty and love will bring some amazing blessings to everyone!
Nina – you are the fragrance of Jesus (as written in 2 Corinthians). Abide in the Vine and keep being fragrant! Love you bunches my friend.
Nina – I thank you for your courage to delve into deep dark places. We need this discourse. We are lost. You are a woman after Gods heart – we need to hear these stories and have opportunities to think in them, discuss them and pray for Gods truth and light. Don’t beat yourself up .. You are helping us all tremendously. I don’t know specifically how you perceive damage has been caused – but I will say – again – we need the discourse. And lots of grace as we all blunder through along the path to Him. Love you sister!!!
Nina,
Thanks for what you do and your heart for the Lord. Thanks for your willingness to apologize in this way but don’t feel too bad about this! I actually think you did a great thing here. I’m coming from a scenario of real and severe domestic violence, a period of separation, and a host of other extreme issues within my marriage to a fully recovered marriage grounded in Christ and producing fruit in His Name today, I just might be able to add something here. I can say for pretty darn sure that my past could raise the bar on extremely bad situations. There were plenty of times when I heard things that caused me pain. Sometimes they were true and sometimes they weren’t. Just because they were painful didn’t mean that I didn’t need to hear it. I could have broken down and expressed my pain each time this happened, but that wouldn’t have done anything but made the other woman feel bad for doing the right thing. Talking about this stuff involves pain. If it didn’t, it wouldn’t be worth talking about except for gossip purposes.
If this was my situation (and it was… dozens of times with all of the background you hypothetically described) and I gave you permission to just put it out there, none of the comments I’ve read would have offended me. If I was just asking to put this situation out there for some other folks to comment on, what happened is why I’d be expecting. If we’re going to talk about a talk I had with my husband, how does his history matter? I’m new here, but I reckon we weren’t here to discuss this good woman’s husband anyway. Even the paragraph at the bottom of the post said to think about what SHE did right and what SHE could have done better. I felt in reading through these comments that there was some major Holy Spirit stuff shared by some really amazing women. Some of it might have been off compared to my situation and none of these women know even a small peak at my situation, but I can tell you that all of the advice that actually focused on what this woman could have done differently would have helped my situation. The only comments that were useless to me were the ones focused on the man here. I didn’t need help judging his wrongs or receiving agreement that he messed up. So, I think these ladies poured out their hearts and not only tried to help, but did help many who might read this story. If just don’t see how if either of these two folk had an record for domestic violence or a history of verbal abuse or a separation due to an affair would have mattered here. One of the things I learned in recovery in my situation is that if you’re going to give an abusive man a chance, you can’t use his history as an excuse to stop working on only your behavior. Oh and if you’re going to give an abusive man a chance without clear and proper boundaries to help him recover too, then its just being irresponsible. So, if what played out here before this conversation had crossed one of those boundaries, then this conversation shouldn’t have happened.
So, my sister, I don’t think you have much, if anything, to apologize for. I think the expectations of the one who shared this might have more to do with the pain than anything. But from a group of God-fearing women like this, I wouldn’t want anything less than what played out for me. I could go on for hours about my wounds, my pain, the injustices done to me, but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be challenged to be better in spite of it all.
Love you all of you and thank you ALL for sharing profound words of wisdom!
~Tiffany
“An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.” ~Proverbs 18:15
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” ~Proverbs 27:6
“Then Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!'” ~Matthew 18:21-22
This is probably the most powerful and impacting thing I’ve ever read. God bless you, sister for your bold faith and willingness to share your testimony. I’m a little wrecked reading this.
WOW! I’m new here, and new to blogging, but SO glad I found you. I’m not sure I fit in here, since most of the readers seem to be female. Perhaps I will bring a different perspective in time to come.
After being married for 47 years this coming October, we have gone through what I would call some major changes in the last 5 years. 2 years. 6 months. 6 weeks. Without what happened at each of those points of change, the next one would not have been possible. The past 6 weeks have given us the marriage I (we) have always desired. (withmoretocome) But it’s been a PROCESS. I’ll be quick to admit that most of the changes have been in me. My motivation has been one of the biggest part of my change. I realized that I was treating her better SO THAT she would then treat me better. When she didn’t fulfill my expectation… UhOh, watch out!
I had to learn to treat her in the right way “BECAUSE of” instead of “In order to get you to…” Change in her brought about because I manipulated her in some way seldom(never?) lasted.
As I have changed, (as God has changed me) she has responded to those changes. But those changes have usually been different than I had in mind at the time.
Thx, Nina. I love this site. I love following the interaction you create amongst your followers. I’m happy to be one of them. JIM
Jim, I absolutely LOVE that you are here. We are women trying to do life honoring God by respecting our husbands. I’m so excited that you joined in the dialogue today – and I fully believe that for most people, what you said is true – if we will get our motives right (James 4:3) we will receive God’s blessings. 🙂 And this is regardless of gender. I am praising God for your marriage and learnings – and am hopeful of future interactions with you. I love a man’s perspective on what is discussed here.
Respectfully and in His great love,
~Nina
Nina,
This is how we learn, by making mistakes. You were not intentionally out to hurt anyone. What is so wonderful about you is you own up and make an apology. I am just so happy to read your blog daily it is such a help. Bless You!
Just wanted you to know how much I appreciated your post today. I have had mixed feeling reading your blog for the past four months – my situation involves a very deceitful husband who broke our marriage covenant, whom I heard from “Christians” how I needed to submit better or forgive more or be more respectful, while He got applauded for miniscule effort …. We finally separated three months ago after three years of “trying”. My own parents are so deceived and have distanced themselves based on my husbands lies…. It is so painful for me and my kids when others think they have “THE ANSWER” with no clue of the agony the is endured behind closed doors……
Thanks for being open and honest…. A much needed post!
Much love to you! You’ve taught another valuable lesson is your apology. We never know how another’s situation is from their perspective. We just have to love like Jesus did.
This is what makes you a GOOD leader and teacher, Nina: the fact that you ARE a mere human and exactly like the rest of us – not perfect. For me, it is far easier to learn from -and relate to- someone who is right next to me and not “above”. In this instance, your apology taught me something new: that I was seeing the situation just like you did and that the apology should come from me as well. Thank you for your humility AND the lesson! xoxo
Nina, I love your humble heart. We all make mistakes, but a good leader admits and uses them for others to also learn from. God’s mercies are new every day. Much love to you today.
Love to you, Nina. You are a beautiful person!