And I’m not really a writer…
But sometimes it helps to write… not sure why…
My friend Sandy spent years talking to me about the benefits of journaling.
I told her one day, “I just don’t journal, I can’t.” (it actually fries my hands, so yeah, not going to use a pen and paper for much)
She said, “Oh, Nina, you journal, you just call it ‘blogging.'”
And feeling a little helpless today, I need to process or feel like I’m doing something…
Because this morning at 6am, they shut off the epidural pain medication.
It was a caine drug, numbing his torso, where the 2 bars are implanted.
At 8:20am, he woke up, due for meds, he said he was a “9” on the 1-10 scale.
There just aren’t words.
I guess that’s just for the two of us.
But when my heart ripped in half and I desperately wanted to turn back time and undo it all, I held back tears, put on the brave mom face and said, “We’ll get through this. They’re doubling everything they’re giving you. It’ll kick in soon. I’m so sorry. I’d trade places with you in a second if I could.”
Brow furrowed, he slightly shook his head, “no.”
And wrought with the deepest ache a mother’s heart will ever endure, I have a sliver of a glimpse of something really special.
I’ve known this before, but right now, I want to cling to it, dig my nails into it and
I wondered at the depth of this, and then I suddenly just knew…
and a gift showed up…
“That’s how much I love My children.”
A pinprick of overwhelming understanding – on the cross, Jesus bearing our sins, our pain, in love.
Because He Loves Us.
To bear the pain, our pain, the sins of the world.
to want to bear that for us...
With as much of everything I would give in the right now to trade places with my child to remove his pain, to bear it myself because I love him that much, I realize I know The One who actually did this… Christ did…for all of us.
How does He contain that much love?
I could maybe burst into flames or something right now understanding it as little as I do, and it overwhelms me.
I don’t think He contains His Love at all.
I think it bursts out of Him in creation, in His listening, His speaking to us.
In reminding me of that one small fact that is The. Most. Important. Thing.
I don’t deserve it, and I shake my head, “no,” and the tears fall.
And I am filled.
I do all that I can do, which is pray, quietly, with him, then, now.
And I thank the Creator. And I beg Him to help me think/move/breathe/act in His love, because He IS Love and His love is bigger than the infinite universe.
I hate what we are going through right now. But I know I am deeply loved, and so is my son, by the One who made him.
And right now, that’s more than enough.
Love to you,