The Reality of Depression …
Dark night, interrupted by nursing. Baby asleep, the young mother stopped before leaving the room.
Through the doorway, she saw the dim light in the bathroom softly pouring across the hallway floor.
Shadows recoiled from the small light.
Too many still loomed.
Turning, she pressed her back against the door frame and leaned.
She looked down at her feet on the hardwood floor.
Bare toes, one foot inside the room, the other out.
She stood in the darkness, straddled between room and hall.
Straddled between life and death.
The bathroom door waited on her right side. It led to razor blades and water warm.
And to the left, baby (her baby) lay in his crib.
Breathing.
Seconds passed.
Time slowed.
Palpable pressure laid the path to escape the pain.
Thick air filled her lungs.
And to the left, gentle wisps sucked in and exhaled out. Three months old. His breath smelled sweet, like flowers.
She remembered.
The command to escape wasn’t audible, wasn’t from within, wasn’t really real, so she thought. But after months of fighting the constantly welling tears, the fear that plagued her daily, she had grown tired – tired of the weight of the sadness that descended, deepened, and refused departure.
In fighting against stereotypes and judgment, treatment still remained a concept “the weak” used. She just needed to “pull herself out of it,” so she was told.
So she tried.
But the depths of depression pulled her down like cement blocks.
And this night, she did all that she could.
Tonight, “all that she could” meant to simply stand.
Tonight, strength meant to not move…to not take a step toward the bathroom.
Stand. For life.
Silent tears streamed down her face.
She wanted to call for help – she desperately wanted rescuing, not death. For months now, the idea of describing to another the hellish thoughts that plagued her consciousness kept her silent. Once, to someone close to her, she bravely timidly offered, “I might be depressed,” and a contrary lecture ensued.
One more time a sliver of bravery bubbled through the murky black depths of depression. All she could do in an attempt to call for help at the top of her voice emerged barely a whisper, “Post-partum depression – I think I might have it,” she revealed through tears.
This time the lecturer, a pillar of religion, centered judgment around her “lack of prayer” and “lack of faith,” although neither assertion was true. She couldn’t disagree, however, because her cry for help used up the last bit of bravery within her.
And she did pray, she did have faith, she did beg God to heal her.
And He had said, “Not this way.”
So she hung on, until it all became too much, and lies promised freedom from torment and tears by way of blood mixed with water until life ebbed silently away.
Temptation lured.
She looked at the bathroom door.
The baby stirred and then sighed asleep still.
Husband’s alarm sounded. Five o’clock AM.
The groggy man entered the hallway and spied his bride leaning in the doorway to the baby’s room. He stopped, confused. “What’s wrong?”
A long pause…then, “I’m not safe.”
Tears.
Confusion.
“Here,” he said, wrapping his arms around her. “Come back to bed. I’ll hold you.” She relaxed and let him walk her back to the bedroom.
She wept.
He kept his word and held her until she finally fell asleep.
And he took her to the doctor that day. They asked the hard questions. She did her best to answer.
Then there was medicine.
And finally, hope.
And five weeks later, she smiled again.
Three babies more each brought the torment of hell on earth in the form of post-partum depression. Each time was a little easier, due to earlier medical intervention. Even the miscarriage brought the dark despair to the forefront of her experience for a brief time.
She breathed life through gray until the drug kicked in, and then her eyes focused on the sunshine and colors of life abundant once more. Having been the “girl with the positive attitude” and the woman whose eyes and smile “lit up the room,” depression’s harsh reality came as an intense, cruel surprise. And regardless of how much others judged, criticized or commented the truth simply wasn’t pretty. And she was one of the blessed ones – medicine helped her.
There was a friend of hers, a girl in high school, that it hadn’t worked for…
Relief for her was found in the bathtub.
…
Don’t you know someone who has committed suicide? A few decades on this planet, and it is likely that you do.
I don’t know why we sometimes miss opportunities to show love to one another when suffering brings horrible circumstances into another’s life. And we all know people right now who are enduring difficulties beyond our comprehension. Perhaps our lack of understanding comes from our lack of experience, and that is judgment, which is a sin. Just because we have not experienced something does not mean it is not very real for the sufferer. How dare we hold ourselves in such high esteem?
As we have seen through the life of Jesus, judgment condemns and separates, compassion connects.
Dare you today, if you are suffering with depression, to get help – maybe therapy, maybe meds, but do something about it – you don’t have to feel like this any longer. If you are judging yourself as “weak,” let that go. It’s a lie.
Dare you today to pray for Pastor Rick Warren and his family who have lost one of their children to suicide this week. Regardless of what you think about him or his theology, he is a grieving father, worthy of compassion. Would you want to walk in his shoes? And remember, if we have issue with someone who sins against us, we are to take it to him personally, instead of gossip about him.
Double dog dare you to have some compassion toward those dealing with circumstances or illnesses, mental or otherwise that you have no personal experience with – the easy thing is to judge, but perhaps, if finding yourself in the same situations, you might have done the same thing. Who are we to criticize someone without asking them questions or confronting their sin against us Matthew 18 style? I am reminded of a pastor friend of mine who was criticized for having dinner in a bar once a week – turns out, that was his “off duty ministry.” He was reaching the lost by going where they would be found.
Often we find we are wrong in our assumptions when we take the time to inquire instead of assign blame.
Dare you to engage in dialogue and seek understanding instead of dishing judgment today and all days.
Luke 6:33-42 (ESV) And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. 37 “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; 38 give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” 39 He also told them a parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? 40 A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. 41 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.
Love to you,
~Nina
I hope that I love my future wife enough so that she will be able to tell me if she is depressed, so that I can hold her and get her help.
Thank you for this. I have struggled with judgment in this area because I have a family member who self-diagnoses himself with lots of conditions and it’s hard to sort out the real from the exaggerated when he does this and it makes areas gray for me when I want to have compassion. I appreciate your truth and your compassion. This is beautiful encouragement and has made me really think about comments I have made which could have been very hurtful to people and I am seeking forgiveness for my wrong thinking. You are wonderful
Oh, Leah, It is GOD who is wonderful… I think part of the reason God allowed all that pain for me years ago was because I needed compassion…and I had such deep judgment… He is so good. 🙂
Love to you,
~Nina
Well said! To anyone who has never suffered depression: “God Bless You. You have no idea how fortunate you are.” To any and all who HAVE suffered depression, post-partum or otherwise, “God Bless You! YOU ARE NOT ALONE.” My doctor told my husband that he should lock me up and throw away the key because I would never recover!! Well, 48 years later, I am stronger – mentally – than ever in my life. Each year I have learned more how to deal with anything which might cause depression. With God’s help and a better doctor “way back when”, I’ve been honored to be able to help others fight depression and win the battle because if I could do it, anyone can do it. I have vowed to do all within my power to prevent anyne else from going through what I suffered through so long ago: 22 shock treatments in 6 months; repeated hospital admissions/stays because the doctor did not “meet me at the hospital” as he had said he would but, instead, he had me admitted and given more drugs and shock treatments. Fortunately, I did get the opportunity to tell him my opinion of his poor treatment when I surprised him by following the instructions of another physician who showed me how to live strong, raise my own children, be a good, strong wife and employee and friend. I did it so I know that others can do it, also! God Be With You!
Jan.
So glad you are here.
Your voice encourages those who have suffered.
And it brings healing with His chastisement for those who have judged and condemned. God uses you, and me, and our experiences to heal to help to love…
And I know you get that.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
I’m so glad you are here.
Love to you,
~Nina
In 1991 one of my best friends decided the world was better without him. It was not the friend who threatened to die, it was not even the one who appeared down. It was the one who was always there, the one who never let anyone down who just couldn’t bear the weight of his loneliness and pain any longer. No warning, no hint. Just gone. At his funeral and after I heard so many hateful things about him, hurtful things to his family. He was weak. He wasn’t a man. He should have saved everyone the trouble by not being born. It went on and on. It broke friendships. It put wounds that never quite stopped weeping onto good and loving hearts. It is a shadow that crosses my heart when I hear a song, see a smile or miss our good times. His death brought me to an edge I never want to see again. EVER. I would never wish the pain of suicide upon any family, and feel only compassion for those who struggle with depression and those who are invisible in their hurt. Thank you for this post Nina. God bless you for standing and letting God fight for you. I struggle too. And I am praying for the Warren family and their church family. This is a pain that wounds to the bone, but God can and does heal us, In HIS time. Until then saints, gather around, and pray for and over one another!
Shanyn –
I am so sorry for your loss.
And I am sorry for the words of others who cut like knives through the memories.
Thank you for sharing here.
You are lovely.
Love to you,
~Nina
This hit very close to home. I struggled with post partum, but was too ashamed to get help. I opened up to a lady in the church whom I trusted and respected and she told me to “pull myself up by my own bootstraps”. I was devastated. Confused. Alone. I struggled for 2 years with horrible thoughts and feelings. Then, I finally got help! And my life was changed!! Praise the Lord! It is still a battle I fight everyday, but now the veil has been lifted, the weight off my shoulders, and I can fight back. God is faithful, merciful, slow to anger quick to mercy. Thank you for sharing this, it blessed me this morning. Remembering where I was makes me thankful for where I am.
Awesome. So sorry you’ve had to struggle with this, too. For me, the Lord used it to slay my selfish nature, one that still exists in diminutive form relatively today. Apparently, He knew the stubborn nature within me better than I knew it myself. 🙂 God is awesome – so glad He blessed you and you gave a thank offering this morning.
Love to you,
~Nina
Suicide leaves a lot of hurts behind. My family is still dealing with the loss after two years.
Sherri – I am sorry you are suffering this. 🙁 The angry and uninformed call suicide “the ultimate selfish act” but those of us who have fought the dragon know it’s not that, but rather an escape from the torture of our own minds that is desired. Prayers to you, lovely.
~Nina
Yes, people don’t understand the pain that often goes unheard before someone finally goes through with it. It will be two years on the 14th that we lost my brother-in-law.
Reblogged this on Sherri Wilson Johnson – Sharing Jesus In My Own Unique Way.
This post strikes close to my heart. My heart grieves for Rick Warren and his family. I fought with depression in my teens and early adulthood. I grew up in a Christian home, went to a Christian School and Church. I received Jesus into my heart when i was 4. My parents separated when I was 8 and divorced 2 years later. My experience with Christians was not good when I was young. I was told that God brought everything on us whether good or bad and I was also judged and condemned since I was from a broken home. There were parents at the Christian school I went to that did not want their kids to hang out with me since my parents were divorced, it was like I was disease and that God made me that way but no one loved me because of it. It broke my heart and I started to isolate myself and become detached and depressed. My parents allowed me to switch to a public school in the middle of my freshmen year to see if that would help. It did to an extent, I was happier until my senior year and then the attack of a deep dark depression set in. My mom took me to the doctor, they tried multiple medications that did nothing. I turned to alcohol to numb my pain and to feel comfortable in my own skin. I was a party girl and was fun to be with at least when I drank. My heart continued to bleed. My freshmen year of college I went into a state of not caring and ended up taken 13-15 assorted pills hoping I would wake up in the arms of Jesus. I woke up the next day completely out of it and confused that I was still alive. My equilibrium was distorted and i had a hard time seeing straight, i called my mom and let her know what happened, she was distressed and I went to see a psychologist who put me on more meds, talking to him helped a little. We discussed the damage of my past and the lack of relationship with my father but it didn’t heal me, I still ached and felt like a walking wound. A year went by and I was almost killed twice in a car accident and a motorcycle accident. I finally went back to church, a new church my mom went to but this time it was different than before. I learned God was good and the devil is bad and they hadnt switched places.
John 10:10 AMP
The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy.I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).
Jesus heals, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. His Spirit convinced me I could be healed and i knew He would heal me because all who came to Him were healed in the Bible. I had not known this before. I went to Him and He healed my heart and delievered me from the enemys clutches while renewing my mind with His Word. He was an exact representation of Our Father while He walked this earth and He bore our sins and shame and by His Stripes we are healed.
1 Peter 2:24 NKJV
who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness— by whose stripes you were healed.
I know in my heart that He healed me for this testimony to glorify Him and live in Him a new life. I am ever grateful and thankful for a merciful, loving and full of grace Heavenly Father who gave us His Son so that we might live through Him and be made the righteousness of God in Christ.
2 Corinthians 5:20-21 NKJV
Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God. For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
Thank you for sharing this post, its our duty as sisters and brothers in Christ to speak the truth in Love. If people need help they need to seek it. God wants them healed. Doctors want that too. People need to know there is hope and not to be judged because they are struggling, hurting and ashamed. God is love and we need to be more like Him because we are His children.
Thank you for your blog Nina you’re being a light in darkness and showing love to the world 🙂
Kristie –
Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story here. I loved the verses and the encouragement you give to others. You are beautiful.
Love to you,
~Nina
Even some who ARE getting help, still think depression is something that you can “pull out of” thinking it is caused by an external event they just need to “get over”. What isn’t understood is that depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. Sure, it may have been triggered by an outside event, but it needs to be fixed by correcting that imbalance – whether by medicines or “natural means”. Taking antidepressants (even if you have to do it for the rest of your life) doesn’t make you weak. It’s no different than taking a multi vitamin to maintain your dietary health.
So very true Gail! I have to say I notice a difference when I don’t take my medicine daily. I’m more prone to mood swings and worrying over the least little thing. I first thought I was weak for having to take it, but after a year or two of having to take it, I realized that life was much easier to deal with and I knew I would be able to handle whatever life threw at me.
Gail –
True dat. Chemical imbalances can be treated with medication. Agreed. Crazy that there’s a stigma attached for some still…
Love to you,
~Nina
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When we are in the grip of despair with the enemy’s voice whispering that they would all be better off without us, that is so hard to remember. But the tunnel grows brighter, I promise you. I have felt that drawing to end it all but I’m so glad I didn’t.
A great many of us who serve Him with all of our lives eventually war with this one. Thank you for the wisdom. Glad you are still here, too. 🙂
Love to you,
~Nina